


By the blinding lights

by chlolou1208



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: AU, Childhood, F/F, Strangers to Lovers, subway meeting, teen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 08:02:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 99,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27649946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chlolou1208/pseuds/chlolou1208
Summary: AU. Jen and Judy meet on a train in New York City.“...nothing helps rid her of the thought of Judy.The girl on the train who had somehow suddenly become so much more.”
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 98
Kudos: 70





	1. Beautiful Mystery

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Ao3 is looking a little empty recently so I had to pull my finger out and actually contribute to this fandom haha. I’m missing reading Jen and Judy fics every night but I guess rereads will do :)
> 
> Tag like for this will probably look something like- Jen and Judy become friends then something more after meeting one random afternoon on a subway in New York City. 
> 
> I don’t know much about New York, college there etc, so most of these places and institutions are fictional. (I’m from the Uk hehe) 
> 
> In this fic Jen and Judy are around high school age when they first meet, and I based the time period around the 90s/2000s. 
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy this new fic. Please comment if you do, or even if you don’t! ;)   
> X 
> 
> @chlo_barnes12 (Twitter)

“Oh! Sorry!” A hand reaches out to pat the shoulder of an elderly man she’s almost just knocked over while smiling apologetically before tuning towards the subways closing doors that very nearly traps her jacket she’s carrying inside. Judy tugs the dangling sleeve away from the door and holds it closer, scanning the fairly empty carriage for a seat.

Finding one near the disability seats, she hurries on over, gripping the other seats for balance as the ground moves quickly beneath. Her legs cross and hold her rucksack, knees bouncing with the rattling of the tracks. She takes out her badge from the front pocket, smiling proudly to herself at her name in red italics printed on the rectangular black badge. Her fingers shake as she tries to pin the badge to her uniform, a black skirt and white shirt that makes her shiver whenever the doors open at the stops, she shrugs her jacket on. It’s New York though and not quite yet winter so she shouldn’t be too cold, probably just first day jitters.

_Get it together Judy._

She’s worked so hard for this job, after applying to at least fifty others and scanning windows and café boards for posters, so she figures she deserves this job.

_Needs it._

Judy’s set off an hour early to make sure she’s there in plenty of time but on the walk to the station she’d taken a wrong turn and ended up on the wrong street so she’d had to break a sweat running to get the train she’s currently sat on. She swipes a hand across her forehead, messing up her bangs as she does, she quickly pats them down.

Her eyes roam around the carriage. There’s a man with a briefcase right across from her, he’s talking away on the phone pressed against his ear held up by his shoulder as his hands flick through a certain file he holds against his lap, every so often the train jolts and the pages threaten to fall to the floor, Judy’s hands wait to pick them up. As his eyes flicker up to look straight ahead, Judy’s own avert to the left and her cheeks redden a little, landing on a tall redhead with wavy hair that cascades down her shoulders and curls at her lower back. She carries a bag and is leaning against a guy that looks like he has sacks of potatoes for muscles, his arm wraps around her waist as she giggles as something he whispers in her ear.

Judy’s always been a people watcher, ever since being little, her mom would leave her in the car while going into a store or on a park bench while she went to pick up something from Andy, her ex boyfriend, well- _almost ex_ she guesses, they still live outside his house parked up in a trailer and he comes over sometimes at night and other mornings she wakes up alone and her mom would tell her she went with Andy. She’d watch and listen and imagine, conjure up images of families and pets and hobbies and create a whole life for the oblivious person she sets her eyes upon. Perhaps to fill an emptiness caused by Eleanor’s flakiness or her lack of mothering.

“Excuse me.”

Judy’s eyes follow the voice, finding a young blonde probably around the same age as her, trying to get past the couple, currently acting out every PDA there is, so she can find a seat. Judy watches she lowers her bag onto the floor beside a seat a few away from the tall business guy. She’s a little taller than herself, Judy thinks, although that could be the large doc martens she’s wearing. Her hair is up in a tight bun, like the ballerinas in the little jewellery boxes in stores that twirl and play music. Judy thinks she’s pretty, can image how popular she is at school because who wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who looks like the blonde does. She wonders what her name is, what’s inside that bag she’s kicking further under her seat. She must be staring because she feels eyes on her and suddenly she’s flashing a smile at the girl instead of looking away quickly, almost as if her eyes are fixated. Judy can’t look away, doesn’t. She just keeps smiling and staring a little like a deer in headlights. The blondes mouth tugs at the edges, and for a second Judy thinks she sees the start of a smile smile until her lips purse and eyes look away awkwardly. A sigh puffs and clouds in the air, _it really is cold._

Judy finds herself walking to ’Bella’s’, the restaurant she’s about the start working at, internally thanking the blonde for looking away and bursting the strange bubble she’d been trapped in because if not she’d have missed her stop. She’d practically tripped over her own feet running towards the doors, she probably imagined the blonde smirking a little at her but honestly she wouldn’t be surprised after making such an ordeal.

The walk from the train stop is longer than she thought, and only when she gets to the doors inside the warm staff room does she realise she should’ve gotten off at a stop later, she jots it down on the inside of her wrist with the pen she uses to clock in so she doesn’t forget for next time.

…

“Okay so that’s two spaghetti and meatballs, one no garlic, two regular cokes and a kid’s pepperoni pizza meal with orange juice?” Judy asks, pen in one hand as she tries to write the families order as fast as she possibly can while still making the handwriting legible.

The mother, she presumes, nods with a smile and Judy tells them there food will be with them shortly. She’s surprised at how well it’s going, so far she’s only gotten one drink order wrong and the gentleman had been pretty understanding about it, even going far as to leave a review saying how ‘lovely and chipper’ the new waitress was. It makes her smile and whole, pleasing people, the tips aren’t what matters to her and she says as much that night when all the employees are dividing the total amount of tip money between them all. It’s against the rules not to include everyone though, so she pockets her share in the front of her bag with a proud grin.

Judy returns to the table with their meals. “Here we are…” she sets them down gently and stands back with a smile. She’s thanked and then she’s moving off to seat another few guests who’s just arrived.

Overall her night isn’t too busy, it gets quite hectic around eight pm especially with a load of theatre goers wearing ‘Wiked’ t shirts and hoodies, but apart from that her first night is fairly quiet. On the way home she grabs a corn dog from the vender settled right next to the station with the tip money she received. The gentlemen refills her water bottle for her kindly after Judy searches her pocket for any more change for a drink to go with her food and comes up short. She smiles, thanks him and stuffs her filled bottle back into her bag. The corn dog warms her up as she makes her way to the underground platform, passing only a few people on her way compared to the masses on the way. It’s 9pm and a Wednesday night, New York is always busier on Friday’s and when there’s shows on in the town square. Judy approaches her platform and squints at the notice that tells passengers the train is ‘2 minutes’ away.

She finishes the corn dog seconds before the train gets in and quickly finds a trash can before stepping inside. It’s eerily silent on the way home, except for a group of women in the far side of the next carriage to hers and…the blonde. Again. Judy’s breath hitches and she clears her throat which seems to echo in the empty carriage. Something must get stuck in her throat because she finds herself choking almost as she tries to swallow the saliva in her mouth, it must get lodged in her throat and she rummages through her bag quickly to find her bottle of water. The cold liquid relieves her coughing and she dries her mouth on her sleeve before putting the bottle back. Judy looks up to find the girl looking over at her and she pulls her bottom lip between her top one and smiles.

“Thought you were a goner.”

Judy laughs a little. “Almost.”

The girl moves a strand of her behind her ear, the bun from earlier a lot messier and half of her fringe falls and frames her face.

A few stops after and the blondes stepping up and heading towards the doors, dropping her gloves as she goes and she must not notice because Judy finds herself scrambling to pick them up as the doors open and calling after her.

“Wait!”

Judy holds the gloves out. “You forgot these.”

The other girl takes them and puts them on. “Thank you.”

Judy shrugs. “No worries.”

The girl steps out and onto the ground, the doors stay open for a few more minutes and Judy finds herself stood still waiting at the door way instead of going back to her seat.

“Don’t die yeah?” The girl says then and Judy’s not expecting it because she doesn’t click on straight away to what she’s saying until the girl mocks Judy’s coughing fit earlier, a hand fisting against her chest dramatically.

Judy smiles and bites down on her cheeks to stop it from stretching all the way across her face, as if it hadn’t already. “I’ll try.”

The girl gives a wave and begins walking away and if Judy wasn’t still watching through the windows then she’d have missed her turning back around. Their eyes meet and they smile across at each other, each giving another wave before the train pulls away.

When Judy gets home that night, the pile high dishes in the sink and cigarette ash around the oven top doesn’t bother her as much as usual, and she’s less bothered by the fact that her mom’s passed out on the couch with half a can of beer in one hand. If it wasn’t for the loud snores coming from her mouth Judy would be worried, she looks like a corpse. Before she goes to sleep that night she thinks back to the girl on the train. It sounds very much like a fairytale, a story, a mystery when she puts it like that. Judy doesn’t even know her name but she finds herself wanting to know everything about her, what she likes doing, what her favourite food is, if she’s a Capricorn or a Sagittarius or a Gemini, she wants to show her the stars and tell her all about constellations. Judy’s eyes flutter closed and her mind slips into a dream state, most likely filled with flowers and animals and _colours_ and now a mysterious blonde with the most beautiful smile she’s ever seen.

*

Friday night is her next shift. Eleanor hasn’t been home since Thursday morning so Judy’s spent the last couple of days alone in the trailer drawing and doing some school work despite it being the beginning of summer. She’s in her second to last year before leaving for college and has hopes of going to NYC’s College Of The Arts, it specialises in dance, photography and visual arts, specifically painting and sculpture work. Her teachers have said that in order to apply for a scholarship-they know of her financial situation, she won’t be getting into college from her mothers income (or _like, non-come)_ alone-she’ll have to do exceedingly well in her subjects, so she takes school very seriously. Judy doesn’t have friends really, but she doesn’t mind, she gets to spend her lunch times drawing and working and sometimes she sits with her favourite English teacher Miss Jenkins. She’d been more congratulating than Eleanor about getting a summer job, had bought her a cupcake from the canteen, chocolate flavoured with rainbow sprinkles.

Summer is more alone than term time, she doesn’t get interaction with anyone except her mother and maybe Andy, so she’s glad she has a job now to pass the time. Not that she’s spoken to anyone apart from the customers yet, but she supposes there’s time for making friends once settled, it’s only her second day.

Judy turns her head away from her current sketch, a still image of New York City at night, at the sound of the toaster and bread popping up. She grabs butter from the fridge and spears a thin layer over the top of the two slices. There’s not much in the freezer, and Judy’s not sure when there next will be so a couple of slices of buttered toast will do, and an apple which she grabs from the now vacant fruit bowl.

After eating she changes into her uniform, tidies the kitchen and hangs her sketch up to dry, she manages to add a few watercolours before changing, and then she locks the trailer door and begins her walk to the station. It’s about 20 minutes and even less with the brisk pace Judy walks at, it’s unerring being on the dark streets alone at night and she’s thankful for the streetlights and the stars providing a little light.

She arrives at the station with ten minutes to spare so she sits on a lone seat beside a ticket machine and waits.

*

“Mother f-“ Her legs threaten to give out as she tries to run to catch the train that’s almost two seconds away from leaving, her ‘Rosary Dance Company’ personalised bag knocks her legs as she does. Jen manages to reach the train just in time to click open the doors and step onto the carriage. Her boots drag on the floor and leave behind dark footprints because if her day wasn’t miserable enough already, it was raining. Jen finds a seat and takes off her hood, unveiling her bun that’s still perfectly intact thankfully, it had taken her a good five minutes to get the right shape before leaving.

A buzz in her pocket makes her jump. She takes out her phone and reads the text, it’s from her mom.

**You’ve forgotten you’re ballet slippers, I would drop them off but you know I have the hospital today. Sorry honey x**

“Great!” Jen sighs loudly, shoving her phone back in her pocket, she’ll reply later. She knows it’s not her moms fault, it’s not the cancers fault either but _fuck_ does it feel good to blame them. Her ballet slippers were sitting on her bedroom drawers this morning, instead of putting them in her bag like usual she had to rush to help her mom to the toilet so she can throw up half her guts. _Breast cancer sucks._

“Are you okay?”

…

“Hey?”

Jen feels a tap on her knee and looks up, releasing a soft sigh when she sees the small brunette from the other day who’d been kind enough to give her gloves back instead of selling them or keeping them or just ignoring it altogether. _Probably something Jen would do._

“Sorry, hi.” Jen replies.

“Hi!” Judy says again and it makes Jen smile more despite trying to hide it. “I was just asking if you were alright?”

Jen raises her eyebrows. “Oh! Yeah I’m fine, I just-“ She shakes her head, “you know what? It doesn’t even matter anymore.”

Judy nods, eyes roaming Jen’s face, then body and then everywhere else when Jen notices her looking. Her eyes land on the bag at Jen’s feet and her eyes widen comically as she sees the curly lettering in bright prink peeking out from behind Jen’s leg. “Oh my god! Are you a dancer?”

Jen pulls a face amusedly. “Um, yeah I am.”

“That is so cool! I pass all the street dancers and west end show venues and studios on the way to work and I always get so jealous because how amazing would it be to be able to just..” Jen watches Judy talk with her hands and mouth, the former flailing about everywhere animatedly. “..be able to make movement and stories with your body.” Judy grins. “Well, I mean…I guess you know.”

Jen nods. “It’s not as flowery as you make out though, your feet get blistered up to hell and sometimes they stretch us like elastic bands.” Her arm stretches then and cracks at the joints, as if to prove and illustrate her point.

“I bet it’s difficult.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sure you’re amazing at it though.” Judy beams. “I bet I’ll see you on those posters in the city square some day.”

Jen shakes her head. _Who is this girl?_ Even her teachers have zero confidence in her, she’s not as skinny or tall or musically emotional like the other girls. She’s passionate about dance of course she is, but she isn’t as naïve as everyone else who believes by dancing a few times a week they’ll score a professional job and be dancers for the rest of their lives. She doesn’t pretend that dancing gets rid of all her problems because it doesn’t, the past 16 years have proved that. Dance is her escape from reality temporary as it is, a chance to feel good for two minutes (or however long her music is), but she knows it’s short lived. A correction from her teacher or the music stopping will break that little bubble and remind her of real life. One where her mother is struggling to battle breast cancer, stage three while her dad works hours on end in his tiny office in the basement to put food on the table, plants in the garden and leotards in her dance bag.

Jen lives a well life, they don’t struggle to make ends meet because her mom and dad have worked constantly to get to live in a more than decent sized house in a highly respected area. Her mother was a teacher and ran the local youth group for under privileged kids. ‘Superhero Sammy’, the kids used to call her. She’d got dozens of cards pinned up in her room from parents and kids who she’d helped. Jen knows she misses it. She gets a longing look in her eye whenever they pass the youth club or the school. Her dad runs his own company providing signs for highways, his company has grown massively in the past few years so while Jen takes care of her mom, he works day and night trying to keep his business flourishing. Rosie, her dog, is probably the only one in Jen’s house without the weight of the world on her shoulders. She’s a sandy coloured Labrador, Jen found her one afternoon in a box on the beach when she was 9, had practically begged her mom and dad to take her home once the vets had said there was no microchip. They’d been inseparable ever since.

An announcement over the speakers interrupts Jen’s thinking and she realises Judy’s still staring at her with wide eyes and a smile.

“Well thanks.” Jen replies. It’s nice that someone thinks that she’s a good, well, ‘amazing’ dancer as the girl had put it. “Hey, what’s your name?” Jen asks.

“Oh! It’s Judy.”

“Judy,” Jen repeats, testing it out on her tongue. She’d never met anyone called that before, Judith yes but never Judy. It suits her. “I’m Jen.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” Judy says.

“You too,” Jen smiles. “It’s not often I make a habit of talking to strangers though.”

“Oh!” Judy laughs. “Me neither.”

Jen nods. She turns around and takes a look outside, lights blurring her vision as the sky turns dark already. “This is my stop.” She doesn’t know why she tells Judy that, she just does.

Judy jolts forward in her seat and takes a look around, forgetting that she’s actually got work to go to and a train to stop and get off at the correct stop today. She realises it’s the one after yesterday when the train slows to a stop and she stands before Jen does. “Me too!”

“Cool.” Jen shrugs and steps around the poles and other seats to the doorway, waiting a few seconds before the ‘open’ switch turns green before pressing it with the end of her coat that’s pulled over her hands.

They step out together and walk up the stairs into the square, the rain has stopped but it’s still cold and the wind blows harshly on both of their faces. A loud beep makes Judy jump and Jen turns her head to eye her amusedly, they walk together out of the way of the travel platforms and into the square. Lights bounce off of the wet pavement. Sirens echo to the left of them, the sound of music from the guitar player to the right of them overpowers it somehow. Judy grins to the guitarist and sticks a thumb up.

They pass a load of drunken students, dressed in short dresses and high heals, some carry glow sticks and others wave their cardigans in the air singing some song or other. ‘Bella’s’ is just in front of Judy amongst the circle of restaurants and she slows down, “this is me.”

Jen pauses too, following Judy’s eye-line to the Italian restaurant. “You’re work here?”

Judy hums in response. “It’s my second day.”

“Right! Well I better leave you to go, you don’t wanna be late.” Jen says.

For some reason the air has become thick between the two of them, neither want to leave.

“Yeah I should.” Judy steps backwards a little. “Have fun at dance.”

“Thank you.”

“Alright then….” Judy starts walking backwards, eyes not leaving Jens as she does. “Bye Jen.”

“Bye Judy.”

“Bye.” She waves.

Jen waves back with a laugh. “Bye.”

Judy’s still not turned around and she keeps walking backwards until-“ouch!”

Jen covers her mouth to stop herself from laughing.

“Stupid rock.” Judy says, it’s more of a stump.

“Bye Judy.” Jen says, ushering Judy inside the restaurant and this time she goes inside, waving one more time through the glass double doors before heading all the way in.

*

Judy’s exhausted by the time her shift finishes and she can’t find the energy to walk for her food so she grabs a pizza before leaving, Paul puts it her in two smaller pizza boxes so they it fits in her bag. It’s one of the perks of working in an Italian restaurant, free food at the end of the night. She thanks him and takes a slice out to have while walking. One hand cups the bottom of the pizza which drapes over with the amount of cheese on top, but it’s just as Judy likes it, stringy and greasy and overly unhealthy. It warms her stomach as she eats the slice on the way to the station and can feel the heat radiating from the boxes in her bag.

It’s not that much of a surprise to her that Jen’s sat on the platform waiting for the same subway as Judy. This time she walks right on up to her and sits in the empty seat.

“Fancy seeing you here.” Judy says, shoulder rising to rest her chin on as she smiles sweetly.

“Well hey.” Jen replies. “How was work?”

“Good but busy, there was a queue a mile long outside waiting to be seated for most of the night.”

“It’s always packed down here.” Jen says. “Ah, and there’s my point-“ Jen nods her head to the platform area that’s getting fuller by the minute; drunken men with soccer shirts, students, a hen party…And the train’s still 10 minutes away. Jen tilts her head and smiles, “you got a little red stuff there..” Jen uses her pinky to point to the area around her mouth and Judy clicks on quickly, her eyes widening.

“Oh!” Judy scrubs at it with her palm, “has it gone?”

Jen nods.

“I had pizza, work gave it me for free. Do you want some?” Judy offers already taking the bag from her shoulders and opening it.

“Sure.”

Judy opens the box and lets Jen take a piece out, she winces because it’s still hot and has to blow it before taking a bite.

“Thank you.”

Judy shrugs in response. “No probs, actually..” Judy puts the box on Jen’s lap. “You can have it.”

“Huh? It’s fine Judy I’m good with this piece.”

“Are you sure? I have another box in here anyways.”

Jen seems to consider it for a second before nodding and then opening the box. “We’ll share.” Jen takes another piece and urges Judy to do the same. “My mom doesn’t like me eating junk food, she’d have a fit if she saw me having this.”

Judy’s eyes go into panic mode for a moment and she swallows the bite she’s currently chewing quickly. “Oh well, sorry I just-“

“No.” Jen puts a hand on her arm. “It’s fine, I love pizza, especially plain cheese, sometimes I think people go overboard with toppings, I mean pineapple?”

Judy giggles. “I bet it’s not that bad.”

“Fruit on a pizza?”

“It’s unique.” Judy says with a shrug. She finishes her slice and dusts her hands to remove the crumbs, licking the grease away from her fingers.

“She’s, _my mom_ -“ Jen starts. “Well she’s ill, cancer, and having foods that are all processed and full of fatty stuff isn’t good for our bodies she says, and she’s worried that when I’m older I’ll get it too, it runs in our family.” She tells her, again she questions why she’s telling this much to a stranger. She doesn’t talk about this with anyone even her so called dance friends at her studio or school. Something about Judy makes her feel safe though, it’s as if she gives off a warm energy or something, she cringes at herself for thinking that but it couldn’t be further to the truth. Judy seems kind and caring and everything she’s not, and everything she usually avoids, finding people like her to be too mushy or claustrophobic almost.

Judy’s isn’t like that. She doesn’t know her but she _knows_ she likes her.

“Well she is right, with the amount of grease that comes off of this it should be illegal!”

Judy responds and Jen smiles because she doesn’t draw attention to the big ‘c’ word or tell her she’s sorry, doesn’t give her _that look_ like everybody else.

_‘I’m sorry.’_

_‘Aww honey. If there’s anything I can do let me know.’_ -Jen would think, ‘unless you can cure cancer then there’s nothing you can do.’

“But that’s what makes it taste nice.” Jen says around another mouthful of pizza.

“I hope you and your mom are okay though.” Judy says quietly then.

Jen appreciates it. “Thanks.”

Their train pulls in then and Jen quickly throws the empty box into the trash. Both girls grab their bags and head towards the closest door.

It’s a squeeze once all the passengers are on and it gets fuller and more uncomfortable with every stop. A beefy sweaty guy is pressing right into Judy, he towers above her and his elbow keeps hitting her in the head as he waves his arms up to signal something to his friends at the other side of the carriage. Most people are standing, so they’re like sardines all packet tightly together. Jen reaches for Judy and brings her in closer to herself, she’s backed against the unused doors so she has a little more room to rescue Judy from being squashed. Let’s face it, Judy’s the size of a pea amongst everyone. She’s tugged into Jen’s front and her hands rest against Jen’s stomach, gripping every time they come to a stop for balance. Jen finds herself surprised at the fact she doesn’t mind it and even places her own hands on Judy’s forearms to steady the both of them.

Once they reach Jen’s stop she’s reluctant to leave Judy with another load of drunken mobs coming on, but Judy assures her she’s fine and it’s only one more stop. Jen nods and pushes through the crowd of people to the other side so she can get out of the door. A gust of air hits her and it’s welcomed as she takes in a deal breath, her hair sticking to her face now with how hot it was cramped up in the carriage. She turns around and waves to Judy who waves back as best she can from behind everyone else.

Jen finds herself worrying about her all the way home and while she’s trying to choose her clothes out for school tomorrow. Judy’s definitely unlike anyone Jen’s ever met, or anyone she’s ever cared about. And she does care about Judy already which is why she finds it so hard to get to sleep that night not knowing whether Judy made it home safe or not. She really should have gotten her number. Her mom comes to say goodnight to her while she fiddles with her phone, it’s as if she’s waiting for Judy to text or call, stupidly.

“Good night honey.” Samantha says, kissing her on the forehead and turning the light out as she leaves.

“Night.”

Jen turns over and faces the wall. She shuts her eyes and cuddles into the blankets but nothing helps rid her of the thought of Judy.

The girl on the train who had somehow suddenly become so much more.


	2. Amazing Grace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I’m back! 
> 
> If anyone could tell me facts about New York or places there or anything American because I cba to research stuff, then I’d appreciate it. 
> 
> Also the solo in this and all the other dance-y stuff are taken from my extensive knowledge of the dance world from watching Dance Moms for all of my life more than a hundred times. 
> 
> Anyways, enjoy :)

It’s become part of both of their days, seeing each other on the subway and walking with one another until they each go their own ways, Jen to her dance studio and Judy to work. Judy would often take a pizza home with her and share it with Jen on the way home. They hardly spoke, especially on the train going to the city, it took them a while to realise they could talk to each other and feel comfortable about doing so, by the time they were on the train home though they found themselves speaking up until the doors opened and Jen would step out first, waving goodbye to Judy from the platform.

A giddy feeling overtakes Judy as she steps on the subway today, she’s excited to see Jen. It’s a Monday afternoon and she’s only working for a few hours today, her mom had gotten back last night after being gone since Thursday so she wanted to spend time after her shift telling her all about her job and Jen. If she’d listen.

_She’s a busy person._

Judy takes a double seat in the corner and rests her bag on the one next to her for Jen, of course checking beforehand that no one else needed a seat, but she finds the carriage quiet so she relaxes into the chair, thumbs twiddling on her lap as she looks out of the window at the passing scenery that blurs before her eyes.

When the train pulls up to Jen’s stop she sees the blonde before Jen sees her, she’s got huge dead phones over her ears and is bundled up in a dark green coat. Her hands are gloves and before stepping on she sees her remove them and stick them into her pocket making sure the button is done. Jen pulls her headphones to around her neck and walks to catch up with the door on the train.

Judy sits up straighter as she sees Jen step on, the blonde immediately seeks her out and smiles when she spots her. Jen walks quickly to the seat and Judy removes her bag to let Jen sit.

“Hey!”

“Hi.”

Jen gets comfortable on the seat and undoes her coat, then takes her phone out and hands it Judy. “Before I forget.”

Judy doesn’t take it. “What?”

“Put your number in there.” Jen nudges her shoulder.

“I can’t, I don’t have a phone, I got a job to save up for one.” Judy admits shyly, sinking deeper into the chair. _What normal teenager doesn’t have a phone?_ Judy wishes she could ask her mom for one, or even borrow hers for a few hours a day but she can’t ask her that, she knows her mom needs it for ‘work’, Judy doesn’t know what she does but she gets a feeling that it involves a phone and a lot of people. Her mom never tells her about what her job is though, she daren’t ask.

“Oh.” Jen says, retracting her phone and shrugging. “No probs, I just thought it’d be nice.”

“It would! I promise when I get one you’ll be the first number in there.” Judy says.

Jen brings a hand to her chest dramatically. “I’m honoured.” She smiles as Judy grins back at her, and then takes her headphones off from around her neck to crack it, turning her neck to the side with a wince.

“What were you listening to?” Judy asks.

“Just my solo song, here…” Jen plops the headphones over Judy’s head, it messes her hair up so she moves it away from being trapped between her ears and the headphone sponge, Judy sits there and lets her. She presses play on her mp3 and Judy’s eyes light up as the song starts, ‘Amazing Grace’ playing through the speakers.

Jen suddenly feels shy, as if she’s opening her whole being to Judy, but she snaps out of it knowing better, Judy wouldn’t judge her and she won’t feel embarrassed. She’s dancing a lyrical to this in the showcase in three weeks time, along with her solo she has five group dances, a duet and a trio to learn. Her solo is her favourite piece and she got to chose her own costume, a purple leotard with flared silky sleeves and silver gems across the front.

Judy smiles throughout the song and her head sways to the side, Jen can’t quite tell if she’s on beat but it doesn’t matter because she’s never seen anyone so relaxed. Judy beams and says “you’ll be amazing! I love this song!” A little loudly because the volumes turned all the way up but Jen just laughs and puts a finger to her lips.

Judy makes an ‘o’ shape with her mouth and removes the headphone. “Oops, was I shouting?”

“Just a little.”

Judy hands back the headphones with a smile. “I mean it though you will be amazing.”

“Thanks.” Jen loves the confidence Judy has in her even though she hadn’t even seen her dance. It sparks an idea in her head but she’s not sure if she should voice it. Of course, she’d _love_ Judy to come and watch her show even to just spend more time with her and let Judy have a good time. But would Judy want to?

_There’s only one way to find out._

Jen leaves it to the last minute to ask, they’re walking out of the train and up to Judy’s work when Jen asks “so um, my recital is coming up in three weeks and I just wondered if you wanted to come and watch?” She holds her breath as she waits for Judy’s response, she’s not waiting long because Judy grabs her forearm and says “yes!” Jen laughs. “Of course I do, I mean, thank you!”

Jen shrugs like it’s nothing, but is _isn’t_ , it’s a big deal to her and probably Judy. They’ve never done anything together outside of seeing each other on the train and walking with each other to and from the city square.

“I’ll grab you a ticket then, I get free ones for five people, so far I’ve only used three and 2 are my parents, if my mom can make it.” Jen says, frowning at the latter part of her sentence.

“I can’t wait.” Judy says and Jen knows she means it. Her face breaking smile says as much.

*

Judy thinks Jen should be a model. Her hair frames her face, wavy blonde locks curl around her chin at the front. Her nose is perfectly shaped, buttoned and small and cute. Judy shades one side of it to get it right, smudging some of her pencil to get the right shade of shadowing. Her pencil scratches on Jen’s eyebrows, darkening them at the front and gradually fading them out naturally. They’re thin and prominent yet Judy doesn’t think Jen’s used makeup on them, assumes when she’s dancing she doesn’t wear makeup. Without it her skin is flawless and her lips purse the perfect shade of pink. She’s almost done the drawing, she’s just finishing the background, a simple rectangular shape with a few lines to add texture to the glass windows. Jen’s looking on her phone busy with something Judy doesn’t ask about so it gives her the perfect angle. The blonde poses beautifully without even knowing it.

Judy’s had time to get this drawing almost perfect, the train had malfunctioned on the way home and they were stuck in the city platform for a good 45 minutes. Judy wonders if her mom will care where she is, it’s only 7pm and not as late as she usually finishes work but she’d told her mom she’d be home by 6pm and they’d get takeout with Judy’s first wages.

They’re almost to Jen’s stop so Judy leans forward and taps the girls knee which is hooked over her other leg. Jen looks up immediately and moves the phone from her face. Judy hands over the picture and Jen looks at her with a questioning smile before taking in the picture.

“What the hell!”

_Maybe she should’ve taken more time. Or used colours. Great. Now Jen will hate it and hate her and she’ll be friendless again. That’s if they even are friends, Judy’s never had one before._

“Judy, seriously, how old are you like 15 or 45 because this looks like you’ve been drawing for years and you’re about to sell it in one of those fancy art galleries…” Jen says, disbelief lacing her throat because a) she’s never seen anyone draw as well as Judy does, even if she’s a little biased, and b) no ones ever done something like this for _her_ , this picture makes her actually like the way she looks. Judy’s captured everything perfectly, even the small crease Jen gets in her forehead when concentrating.

Judy breaths a sigh of relief that’s disguised as a scoff. “Stop, there’s people who’re way better-“

“Accept the compliment Judy, and the fact that you’re gonna be a huge artist some day if this is anything to go by.” Jen tells her, tone so certain that it makes Judy want to believe it. Jen’s basically laid out all of her dreams in one, _sure_ waitressing is decent but being an artist is what she wants to do. Art runs through her veins somehow, she doesn’t go a day without finding something to be creative with. Even if it’s folding the napkins at work to make origami boats or fishes to make her colleagues laugh, only Paul does.

“I hope so.” Judy says. “Thank you, I hope you don’t think it’s weird, me drawing you without your permission.”

Jen shrugs her off with a wave of her hand. “I don’t think it’s weird, even if it is who cares…” Jen holds up the drawing to the light and looks at it with pride. “This will be going in my room.”

*

As Jen’s walking down the street to her house she sees flashing lights and people heading into and out of her house. An ambulance is parked outside and a paramedic stands outside, Jen quickens her pace until she’s jogging and by the time she reaches the gate to her home, two paramedics pull a stretcher with her mom laid unconscious on it. Her dad isn’t far behind and he’s barging past the paramedics to try and get into the ambulance first while still holding Samanthas hand.

“Dad?”

“Jennifer,” Her dad takes her elbow and leads her to the side of the ambulance as her mom gets wheeled in to the back. “I was going to call you-“

“What happened?” Jen knows it could be various things, it’s not the first time her mom has had to be rushed into hospital especially during chemo, her blood pressure dropping that low that she passes out, or she injures herself and the wound won’t stop bleeding. Jen didn’t think she saw any blood or injuries on her though, in fact she just looked asleep.

“I’m not sure, after you left this morning she said she had a really bad headache and she hasn’t been able to get warm all day.” Her dad puts his hand over his face and drags his skin, running his palm over his features roughly. “I left her for _five minutes_ to take a call,” Guilt. Jen’s seen that look before. “And by the time I got back she was out on the couch and I couldn’t wake her.”

Jen nods slowly. “Well you go to the hospital, I’ll phone and tell grandma…”

“Right. Thanks,” He says, a hand coming to squeeze her shoulder briefly before stepping onto the ambulance.

Jen watches the ambulance go from the living room window, landline already in hand to dial her grandma Lynn. The sirens make her ears hurt and she goes to heat up some food, just a simple can of chicken soup. She doesn’t even know if she’ll be able to stomach it but as her mother always says, however ironically, ‘you’ve gotta eat Jennifer, healthy food means happy life’. As she bowl of soup heats up in the microwave, her grandma yells in her ear because apparently Jen doesn’t speak loudly enough. Jen tells her what happened and that they’ve gone to the hospital, grandma Lynn tells her that she’ll be heading to the hospital immediately and to let her dad know. Jen texts him quickly and says goodbye to her grandma just in time for the microwave to ping.

Jen takes the bowl to the living room and sets the soup down on the coffee table. A guilty feeling runs through her veins because they’re never allowed to eat in the living room, even on the rare occasions when they order takeout, so she grabs a tray from the kitchen and a napkin to rest on her lap so she doesn’t spill the food anywhere. If her mom came home to a stained cream couch she’d not be happy. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she’s thinking _if_ she comes home, it’s never a hundred percent. But that thought is buried deep inside because she can’t think about that _now_ or maybe _ever._

She clicks to the Cartoon Network channel so whatever cartoon is on plays in the background while she eats her soup, otherwise the silence would be deafening. Rosie comes to lay at her feet and once Jen’s finishes eating and washing the dishes she lays next to her on the couch running a hand through her thick golden fur comfortingly, for Jen and Rosie.

By the time her dad gets home she’s asleep with her head on the arm of the couch and Rosie lays half on top of her, she feels a blanket being draped over her and her dad whispering goodnight. He assures her mom is fine and that they’ll speak in the morning so she closes her eyes again and drifts back into her deep slumber.

Jen finds out that morning about the tests they’re running on her mom in search for any infections she may have picked up with her immune system being so low because of chemotherapy. Her grandmother storms in the house half an hour after she’s woke up screaming for “Fred” and telling her dad “ _Fred,_ the girl is sick and you’re keeping rubbish like this in here! No wonder she’s in hospital…” Jen roles her eyes and heads upstairs out of the way of Lynns shouting with Rosie in toe, she’s never liked her grandma, it’s probably the high pitched voice.

Jen ends up rehearsing in the spare room upstairs that’s officially become her dance area the past few years, there’s mats and a square patch of flooring covering at least ¾ of the room for Jen to spin on. There’s mirrors too on the back wall, along with a cupboard storing all her dance outfits and trophies. Her mom keeps them despite how much she protests, _who wants to see a red and white leotard she wore when she was three anyways._ She _did_ get first place though, in her first _ever_ solo.

When she presses play on the small stereo in the corner, ‘Amazing Grace’ fills the room and as she dances she’s reminded of Judy. Jen’s pretty sure she’s mirroring Judy’s grin right now, and she has to contain herself so she can get balance correctly into her triple pirouette. She manages it.

*

Judy’s morning has been the worst in a while. She spends the walk to the station crying and then she hurries to the bathroom when arriving to check in the mirror for tear tracks and red eyes. She hadn’t done her hair for work yet because she couldn’t get out of the trailer quick enough so after washing her face for all signs of slobbering she takes the brush from her back and brushes out the lugs in her hair.

Eleanor was steaming when she woke up that morning and she’d left the gas on the oven, god knows for how long. And then when Judy had woken her up coughing and fumbling around to turn the gas off her mother had shouted in her face about being more quiet and “ _letting mommy rest_ ”. Judy had backed off a little after seeing the distant look in her eyes. She was high as a kite. Judy knows better than to argue with her mom while she’s under the influence so she’d apologised and went about her morning normally. It wasn’t enough that time though and every thing she did caused an issue for her mom, she only popped herself some bread in the toaster for breakfast when her mom started shouting at her, complaining that Judy “ _never does anything worthwhile”_ and then she’d pasted her across the face with the back of her calloused hand.

There’s a slight redness to her left cheek that can pass off as flushing if Judy lies hard enough, she’s been doing it most of her life so it’s not hard. She reckons with Jen it’ll be harder to lie because she’s the first person who actually _sees_ her, so she braces her self for the oncoming cover story when she steps on the subway.

So Judy waits for Jen to step on the train and for her to sit down beside her, maybe pass her a piece of gum like she usually does or hand over her headphones to play a song. Waits for her to ask about why Judy still looks like she’s been crying for hours on end despite washing her face three times over in the bathroom sink before, waits for the pitiful look and the concerned tone.

Judy takes a deep breath when the train doors open and a gust of people come in and take their seats. A mother and baby, a business woman with a laptop bag, a runner. No Jen. Judy cranes her neck to check the stop and frowns when she doesn’t see a whip of blonde hair blowing in the wind. She stands and checks she’s in their spot, they always sit in the third carriage to the far right in the double seats at the back corner. Jen’s no where else on the train and Judy stops looking after pacing up and down the carriage twice thinking the blonde had just forgotten.

Jen never gets on the train though, and Judy stands alone in the middle of the carriages holding on to the bar waiting to exit at her stop. She heads to work with an emptiness swirling in her stomach.

*

It’s been days since she last saw Jen and it’s almost as if the girl was just a fragment of her imagination, a friend conjured up inside her _stupidly twisted_ mind because she’s so _unbearable_ to everyone else. After the argument with her mother she’d taken off again and Judy had been alone in the trailer since, Andy popped in the night after her mom disappeared which was strange since she assumed they’d be together. She’d quickly got rid of him, promising that she didn’t have any idea where Eleanor was and he’d headed back up into his house, tripping over a stone in his path so he’d spilled all his drink everywhere. All the empty space and time (she didn’t work weekends) had allowed her thoughts to chip away at her. She regrets giving Jen the picture, maybe that’s what did it. _Who even draws someone and then gives it them like that? A stalker that’s who._

_She clearly hates you._

_Everyone does._

_Even your own mother._

Cleaning the trailer is something that helps block the voices out for a little while, she has to empty the bin three times to get rid of the smell of vomit covered tissues and alcohol. Perhaps coming back to a nice tidy home will make her mother hate her a little less.

It’s not always been like this, when she was little her mother treasured her as if she was an angel that had fallen from the sky. They’d lived in a small village where everyone knew everyone and the area was safe enough for children to roam free and play out after school or at weekends. There wasn’t a lot of children on Judy’s street but she didn’t mind that, she preferred her animal friends down at the lake a few minutes walk away from home. It was gorgeous, the lake shimmered in the son and iced over in winter, crackling whenever acorns fell off of the trees arching above. Ducklings would waddle along the patch of grass where Judy usually sat on a blanket drawing or doing school work. She spent more time out there than at home which is probably why she loved animals and nature so much, they’d always been kinder to her than humans had.

When she was about 7 years old things changed, all of a sudden her mother didn’t care about taking her to school or walking to and from the bus stop with her, wasn’t bothered about whether Judy had had a nice day at school or if she was hungry or had made any new friends. Judy vaguely remembers her mother meeting Andy, he’d had dinner with them a few times and he took her out on his motorbike, she’d ridden slowly on the back with a huge helmet on, arms squeezing his waist for dear life. Then one day they’d gotten into an argument about something, Judy heard it was about money or a bag, she still doesn’t know the details, and everything had gone downhill. Andy didn’t come round anymore but others did, David, Gary, Henry, and sometimes her mother’s old school friends would come round and they’d have parties until the next morning. Judy would come downstairs with her homework folder in hand and see about twenty people passed out on various surfaces, her mother included.

They’d lost the house when Judy was 12, she still doesn’t know exactly why but she’ll _never_ ask her mom about it, they’d lived in her mothers car for around a year and a half before her mom had met with Andy again and started dating him again, Judy assumed so anyway because once he was back around they’d moved into a trailer and started living on the patch of land beside Andy’s home.

Since leaving her childhood home Judy had been a punch bag for Eleanor, on rare occasions physically but mostly verbally, she’d shoot cruel words her way especially after a ‘session’ (as she called it) with Andy or when she’d wake up still drunk from the night before. Or the weeks before, they’ve all run into one recently. Her mother would say it’s Judy’s fault, she drives her to do it because she doesn’t _want_ to, Judy’s a ‘handful’, something Eleanor has to be responsible of without wanting to. Eleanor says she’s too much to handle with her ‘artsy delusions’ or ‘constant wittering on’. Now a days Judy doesn’t talk much. She’ll look after her mother and tidy up the messes she makes and put food on the table for the two of them because she figures she’s old enough to take responsibility instead of forcing it on her mom.

Judy finishes cleaning the shower room after scooping hair from the plug to put into the bin with a small grimace. Friday is her next shift so she has two days to do nothing, she wishes school was open because at least she’d have something to busy herself with.

She ends up going for a walk, loving the sound of the brown and orange leaves crunching underneath her feet. A black cat starts to follow her as she walks down the street and once she reaches a wall Judy hops up and the cat does the same, she runs her hand through its thick fur and it purrs appreciatively.

“Hello there mr cat..” Some of the black fur covers a collar then and its pink, name etched into the leather. “Oh, sorry…” The cat nudges her hand as she speaks. “You’re a Mrs cat, Ruby.” The cat walks further to her and puts a paw on her knee to press further into her hand. Judy laughs and continues massaging the cats ears, she seems to like it behind the ears. After a while the cat hops off of the wall and waddles off down the road, not a care in the world. She sighs, tilting her head as she watches the cat go.

“What I’d give to be you…”

*

Jen finds herself walking through the dead of night with four of her dance friends after a late rehearsal Friday night. It’s Judy’s shift day, she hopes she’s remembered that right, and they’re heading to ‘Bella’s’ for a celebratory meal as one of the girls, Isabella, had just competed across the country over in Washington and won a national title for her teen solo division. Jen would’ve been the one competing the solo if it wasn’t for her mother being ill, so she’s happy for her, obviously, she’s not a miserable _bitch,_ but she misses competing. It’d been her life, travelling all over the country for dance competitions, until her mom couldn’t fly anymore and there was no one to take her.

She hopes Judy’s there because not seeing her for the past week has meant she’s more irritable and anxious and angry than usual, she just has an effect on her and Jen can’t shake the happy feeling she gets when speaking to her. After her mom was taken to hospital she’d went to stay with her grandma who dropped her at dance instead of Jen catching the train despite the protests. “ _It’s unsafe Jennifer, who knows who lurks on those dirty platforms and just think of the diseases!”_

The doctors diagnosed her mom with pneumonia and she’s been kept in hospital ever since so Jen’s barely seen her. They’re monitoring her constantly and she’s actually improving, she should be home next week. Jen misses her, surprisingly because they’ve been away from each other for much longer than this before, but there’s a constant dull longing in her chest, especially in the evening when she’s around the table eating with Grandma Lynn, it’s strange spending time with her alone. Usually there’s _always_ someone else there, her mom mostly, or her older cousin Jack who’s wise and cocky personality takes up all the attention. She barely saw Jen before her mom was diagnosed, and it took her a few months to visit even after she was.

Jen’s grateful for the lifts though and the money she gives her for food. She wraps her coat tightly around her as they walk against the rough winds messing up her hair that’s down because they’d all gotten changed out of their dance wear before heading out.

“How’s your solo?”

Jen shakes her head, she hadn’t been listening to the past ten minutes of conversation so she freezes when the spotlights on her, _ha, how ironic._

“It’s cool, it’s finished we’re just changing up some little sections that look messy.” ‘We’re’ as in her teacher changes most of the parts she likes most. Overall she loves her solo though and if it were in competition she knows the choreography matches first or second place for sure. It’s definitely tiring though and her whole body aches as they finally arrive at the city square, ‘Bella’s’ lights up brightly in red lights to the left of them.

Alice takes Isabella’s arm in hers as they walk, the narrow path means Jens stood behind the group of them but she can’t find it in herself to scare, she’s too busy scanning the waiting area for Judy. A tall guy with a beard and brown hair comes to seat them though and the odd number means they’ve taken a booth meant for four people, Jen squashed on the end until the guy offers to get her a seat. They didn’t book ahead and all the other seats are either taken or reserved. Daniella and Nancy talk between themselves while Alice and Isabella get the drinks, there’s an unlimited refill station for soft drinks. Jen takes her phone out in the meantime and shoots a quick text to her mom and then grandma telling her to pick her up in around an hour. She’s not planing on staying long, especially with the mood she’s in.

She tries to engage in conversation but they’re talking about school and Jen doesn’t go to the same one as the other girls, she’s one of the few who travels to the studio instead of living a few minutes away. Boys is another topic she doesn’t really get on board with. Nancy practically _yells_ that she’s seeing someone named Tom who dumped another girl to go out with her, Jen covers her face with the menu she’s pretending to read thoroughly.

“I might have the lasagna.” She says when the topic shifts to their orders.

“Oh me too! My mom makes a _mean_ chicken lasagna…” Alice says and then Jen shifts out of the conversation faster than it began.

…

Jen tells them that she’s going to the bathroom and to text her if their food comes. Alice nods her head and then goes back to talking about duets and trips with the others. She doubts they’ll miss her presence much. Swerving the tables as she walks, Jen scans for the bathroom and quickens her pace when she finds it. She can hear her friends giggling about something, they’re always loud like this which is why Jen usually doesn’t spend _too_ much time in their company. It’s not that she doesn’t like them, because they’ve never done anything wrong to her, it’s just that sometimes she feels out of place. They’re more girly and talkative and enthusiastic about life than she is. She gets on with them all, for a _short_ period of time. Daniella is probably the one she tolerates most, she’s older than the rest of them and a little more mature. She has a car and Jen admires the way she can be fully engrossed in dance one minute and then rolling on the floor with the mini team (the studio has different divisions, sometimes they happen to teach the younger ones) while they laugh at a joke she’s told them. She doesn’t know Nancy that well, but from the way she raves about the five holidays a months she takes _and_ the photography course she’s taking alongside dance she gathers she’s very rich. Or her parents are, because she refuses to get a job despite being old enough, _“jobs are for the dreamers, whereas I am an achiever”_. Isabella is graceful, tall and has a good posture, her teacher tells them all they should learn from Isabella’s “ _stance of a queen”_. Alice is kind and considerate and doesn’t like to leave anyone out, it’s probably why Jens been invited along. Her next _charity case._

She really _does_ need the bathroom, it’s not a farce to spend five minutes away from her teammates to clear her head from the headache that she’s sure is coming on. Jen swerves a waitress and almost knocks everything she’s holding out of her hands.

“Shit! Sorry.” Jen steps backwards quickly to get her balance.

“Jen!”

The waitress, _no,_ Judy stares back at her with half a dozen plates still in her hands.

“Hi.” Jen says with a relieved smile, one that feels like her chest has been released after hours of someone squeezing it so tightly she can’t breathe, she lets out a sigh.

“Hold on.” Judy tells her and then she’s quickly delivering the plates to their respective tables and asking if either customer needs anything. Judy smiles and Jen hears her telling them to enjoy their meals as she walks back to Jen. As soon as she reaches her side Jen tugs on her hand and pulls her into the bathroom. It’s empty and Jen moves them further inside despite Judy’s pulling back.

“Jen I’m working I can’t just-“

“Five minutes, you can take a toilet break.” Jen says and her eyes soften as Judy nods.

“I honestly didn’t think I’d see you again, did you stop going to your dance studio and that’s why you weren’t on the train or?”

Jen shakes her head. “No.”

Judy nods. _The stupid picture._ “Then was it the picture I drew you because I know that it’s weird now and I’m sorry I gave it to you, or if I was too overwhelming or…” Judy’s cheeks go a deeper red than they already are, she’s been working non stop for 4 hours and her feet and arms are _killing_ her, and it’s way too warm behind the kitchen doors.

“It wasn’t any of that!” Jen says a little loudly, and then someone comes out of one of the toilet stalls, a stubby woman with a load of shopping bags trailing and dragging on the floor behind her. Jen pauses while the woman washes her hands, running the water too fast so it sprays out _everywhere_ and she meets Judy’s eye over the woman’s head and Judy quickly averts them and bites her lip, trying not to laugh. The woman leaves and the two burst out laughing.

Judy swipes at her left arm. “I think some hit me…” She says still giggling. Her eyes crinkle in the corners and her teeth bare in a grin.

Jen shakes her head. “It really wasn’t…I loved the picture,” she says bringing them back into the room. Judy looks as if she’s not sure, there’s a little crease in the middle of her forehead and her eyes are uncertain, untrusting in the way that she’s scared to. “I’ve been staying at my grandmas house and she drives me to the studio and back…”

Judy’s eyes widen, after hearing Jen say that she can’t believe she’d gotten it so wrong. She _knows_ Jen likes her, likes being in her company which is why it was such a blow when she’d believed it all to be short lived and too good to be true. Jen hadn’t mentioned her grandma before so she didn’t think they were close, but she doesn’t want to ask why she’s staying there. If Jen wants to tell them she will, Judy’s learnt not to pry. Not to ask _too many questions._

“My mom’s in hospital.”

But Jen tells her anyway, and Judy can’t help but be grateful that Jen feels safe enough to do so. With her.

“She is?” Judy’s shoulders sag sympathetically. “I’m sorry, I hope she’s okay…”

Jen shrugs. “She has pneumonia but they’re monitoring her and she’s staying in for a bit longer, they’ve kept control of the infection though and are hopeful.”

Judy nods. She can’t even imagine what it’d be like if her mom was ill. Sure, her mom is absent and doesn’t really take on any motherly duties but Judy loves her anyway because she’s her mother, she’s the one person who’s always been a constant in her life. Judy doesn’t know who she’d be without her.

“Are you okay?” Judy asks, recognising the tough skin Jen wears as she’d worn the same one many times before.

Jen frowns a little considering her question. “Despite everything I actually think so.” It’s not a lie. Seeing Judy has made it so that it isn’t. Seeing her has made this day, and this whole week if she’s honest, ten times better.


	3. Elastic hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> Currently eating my chocolate from my kinder advent calendar after a day of Christmas trimming up-ing and decorating! 
> 
> Hope everyone likes this chapter, come say hi on Twitter- @chlo_barnes 12 x
> 
> Also, anyone else excited for the online Dead To Me event next week? I 100% can’t wait :).

Around a week after being admitted to hospital the doctors allow Jen’s mom to continue treatment and recovery at home. Fred picks Samantha up from the hospital with Jen in the back seat promising her an ‘in and out’ burger for dinner. She’s grabbed most of her things from Grandma Lynns and they lay next to her in the boot and the backseat, her dance bag squishing her against the car door. Samantha’s treatment went well and they’re happy to let her go home, ordering her on bed rest for the next few weeks and minimal contact. The house is clean from top to bottom according to her dad, who _never_ cleans so it made Jen widen her eyes, it’s probably _fear_ cleaning but it’s better than nothing. Her hands are already sanitised and she promises to wash them as soon as she gets inside.

It’s Saturday so she didn’t have dance today and she had zero plans for when she gets home. She could work on her solo more but her legs and feet are aching from the workout she did at Lynn’s house this morning so maybe she’ll pass. Her showcase is next week anyways and she can’t be achy for that. She closed her eyes and rests her forehead on the car window while her dad fetches her mom, opening them just in time to see Samantha walking out with her arm hooked through threads as he steadies her shaking legs. She looks weak, weaker than even after chemo but Jen straightens in the back of the car and puts a smile on as the door opens.

“Hi honey,” Samantha breathes out, easing herself down into the seat with a puff.

“Hi.” Jen smiles at her through the front mirror where their eyes meet. “Dad’s cleaned the house, _believe_ it.”

Her mom laughs and pulls her seat belt slowly over her, Fred hasn’t yet gotten into the car so she scoffs and mutters “first time for everything.”

Jen nods, leaning back into her seat a little. She was worried her mom would be too weak to come home, that she’d catch something again and be straight back in the hospital or that she’d close herself off from herself and her dad. She’s surprised to see her signature smile still as wide as ever on her face. Perhaps there’s hope after all.

Jen helps her mom inside when they arrive home, taking over from her dad who goes to open the front door and get a chair ready for her to sit in. Luckily her parents bedroom is on the first floor at the back of the house, it had been a strange layout when they’d first moved here from their old house in Brooklyn but now they were thankful for it because it meant Samantha didn’t have to struggle up the stairs. Their en-suite made trips to the bathroom a lot easier to handle too.

They have chicken casserole for dinner prepared by Fred and Samantha actually manages to stomach some down. Rosie brushes Jen’s leg as they eat at the table, and Jen sneaks her some chicken from her bowl of food.

“Jennifer…”

Jen looks up and wipes her hands of the gravy on the napkin. “She was hungry.”

Samantha shakes her head. “She’s had one and a half bowls of turkey flavoured dog biscuits so I doubt that.”

Jen shakes her head, Rosie peers up at her with wide beady eyes. “Judy would love to draw you Rose…” Jen says randomly, bending down to kiss the labs nose and bump foreheads. _Yes the dog is basically her best friend, so what._

“Who?” Her mom asks, narrowing her eyes.

Jen shrugs. “Just my friend. She likes to draw, she’s really good.”

Samantha wipes her mouth with a napkin before speaking, “I’ve never heard you mention her before. Is she new at the studio?”

Jen shakes her head ‘no’, “I get the subway with her.”

“Oh!” Samantha’s…surprised, because Jen isn’t good at making friends, certainly with people she isn’t forced to be friends with eventually. She’s not shy, she just has a preference not to voluntarily involve herself with anyone. Samantha knew she was fairly popular in school, but that wasn’t in ‘friends’ per se, it was more about who she was, a dancer with a sarcastic attitude and a pretty figure. “That’s nice.”

“Yeah.” Jen scrapes her plate clean and finishes the last of her glass of orange juice. “That reminds me, I asked her to come to my dance recital next week.”

“You did?” Her dad chimes in.

“Yep, I haven’t given her a ticket yet but I put her name down on the seating plan next to you both.” Jen didn’t want Judy to be sat alone, she hadn’t thought of asking if Judy wanted to bring her parents or a friend along with her, so she’d stuck her name next to her moms and reserved her a seat in the second row.

“That’s lovely!” Samantha smiles at her.

Jen just nods back, her cheeks reddening a little.

That night she fetches the drawing Judy did from her dance bag, she hasn’t gotten around to putting it up properly yet so it’s a little creased from being folded but she thumb tacks it into her display board that holds a few baby and recent photos of Jen and certificates, Judy’s drawing standing proudly in the centre.

It’s the last thing she sees before she gets into bed that night, turning the lamp out before falling asleep.

*

“She’s beautiful!” Judy says, squinting her eyes to see a fairly poor quality photo ( _no shit she’s not a photographer or something)_ on Jen’s little Nokia brick of Rosie, laying in the tall grass with a large stick hanging from her mouth.

“I wish I had a dog, or _any_ pet!” Judy hands the phone back to Jen with a small pout.

“You can meet Rosie if you’d like?” Jen offers. She probably should have asked her parents first, she hasn’t had anyone over since third grade when Sally Jackson from math class came over and asked why her mom had a bold head (after the first cancer treatment Samantha barely left the house and so she wouldn’t be seen at the school gate, hence perhaps Sally’s confusion and probably fear) and then ended the evening by breaking one of her favourite barbie doll houses. Since then Jen had preferred going _out_ whenever she met one of her friends, like to the mall or the movies. At least then they had something else to do instead of having to be the entertainer herself.

“Seriously?” Judy’s eyes widen.

“Why not?” Jen says with a laugh. “There’s a park and forest near by named Oak Tree, we’ll have to take her a walk there soon, do you know it?”

Judy shakes her head.

That one stumps her for a bit, until she offers to meet Judy and take her back to her house one afternoon when Judy’s shift doesn’t finish so late and she isn’t staying for the evening dance class.

“Are you sure it’s okay?” Judy asks, hesitance lacing her tone. She’s never been to a friends house before, she can only imagine what Jen’s house is like. For some reason she can imagine there’s a lot of white, a lot of greyish tones with maybe a splash of one colour to brighten the interior. And she bets there’s a huge garden that Rosie can run around on with flowers and maybe a trampoline, Jen strikes her as a trampoline type of girl, doing tricks and flips on it in the backyard in summer.

“Course, we’re friends aren’t we?” Jen says with a small smile.

Judy nods, “friends.” She says with ounces of certainty and glee.

Her _first_ friend.

*

“Ketchup or barbecue or Mayo?”

“Ketchup.”

Judy squeezes a dollop of sauce on the large tray of fries and then sprinkles some salt over them quickly. She takes them back to Jen where she’s sat on a nearby bench, sitting down beside her once Jen moves her bag to the floor. Judy balances the tray between them both on the bench, it feels a little damp but it could just be the cold. The two pick at the fries and try to warm up their shivering bodies, the fries are steaming hot which helps.

Jen suggested getting something from the food van parked up near the station before heading home and Judy quickly agreed, she’d not eaten anything since breakfast so her stomach was crying out in hunger by the end of her shift. She’d found Jen waiting outside the restaurant for her clutching a few notes and despite Judy saying they should split the cost, Jen insisted.

Jen’s telling her about the new dance teacher at her studio, Jordan, apparently he’s choreographed internationally in Ireland, Germany and all over America in massive ballet shows.

“He’s so talented, his turns are flawless and his foot is like _never_ sickled, it’s like he has a pole holding it in a perfect position all the time.” Jen’s says around a mouthful of fries, they taste better a few at a time. “But he’s _so_ strict, he won’t even let us talk during break times, he makes us sit in a middle split on the floor and go over routines in our head.”

Judy widens her eyes, “wow, he sounds serious.”

“He is, seriously there’s no laughing or joking when he’s in the room.”

Judy nods in response.

“I don’t mind though, at least he actually cares about what he’s doing instead of just being in it for the money like some of the other teachers.” Jen shrugs. “Anyways, tell me about you.”

Judy visibly freezes but she tries to pass it off as thinking, her brows furrowing at the middle as she looks to the floor. Her hands leave the fries, she rubs them together to get the salt off and then squeezes them between her knees. Jen bends her head to get her to look her in the eye in waiting.

“Um, what do you wanna know?” She asks quietly.

“I dunno, I feel like you know a lot about me but I don’t really know anything about you, except from the fact that you like art.” Jen says with a smile she hopes is encouraging. She’s not used to being the one to try and coerce people into talking about themselves, it’s usually her that’s the closed off one.

Then again Judy _isn’t_ closed off, she’s just quiet and unrevealing in an endearing way that makes Jen want to know everything about her.

Judy pulls her lip between the top one, “well…” she sighs. “There’s not much to tell.”

“Tell me about, I dunno, you’re family, you’re school, where do you go to school by the way?”

“Evergreen High.”

Jen nods, she doesn’t know it but she nods her head anyway. “You?” Judy adds.

“Alison‘s All Girl School, it sucks because most girls are _bitchy_.”

“I’m a girl.”

“ _Most_ girls. Not you. Anyways you’re _deflecting_.”

She is. Usually whenever people ask they’re not as persistent or maybe even as caring as Jen is and the subject of who Judy actually is is left alone and buried so everyone she meets or gets somewhat close to only knows half of Judy Hale.

“You’re right, sorry.”

Jen shakes her head as if to say, ‘don’t be’.

The fries are finished and Jen pushes it through the trash bin placed a few inches from the bench they’re on. Efficient yet _smelly_. She moves further towards Judy.

“I live with my mom, her names Eleanor…” Judy pauses, “I don’t know who my dad is.”

Jen frowns, “how come?”

Judy shrugs. “My mom said he left when he found out she was pregnant, probably didn’t want to be saddled with me.” _Like her mom is now._

Jen can’t imagine what it’d be like not to have a father figure, parenting her had always been a team effort between both her mom and dad. “Sorry.”

Judy shakes her head. “It isn’t your fault.”

“Yeah but still, must be hard for you and you’re mom.” Jen says.

“Yeah.” Judy replies and her eyes begin tearing up, she bits the inside of her cheek to try and stop them from welling up even further. Jen must notice the glazing over in her eyes because she feels a hand over her elbow cupping it gently as her thumb runs over the top of her coat in soothing circles.

“Do you have to be back home for a certain time?” Jen asks suddenly, an idea popping into her head.

“No.” Judy dries her eyes before any tears spill and shakes her head as if to clear it. “Why?”

Jen’s got a glint in her eye that makes Judy intrigued, and instead of telling her what ever she’s planning she stands up, collects her bag and then starts walking away beckoning Judy to follow her. Judy quickly scrambles up with an amused smile and an unanswered remark of “where are we going?”

Jen just turns around and puts a finger over her lip before taking Judy’s hand to pull her through the dark streets as they exit the main square.

…

“Jen seriously where are we going?”

They’ve been walking for a while and it’s getting darker by the minute. They’re further away from the main town square and the streets are only lit by a few street lights, Judy would be anxious if it wasn’t for the feeling of Jen’s warm hand in hers despite the chilly air. It’s fairly quite where they are, there are few cars driving past them and it’s mainly fields and a few small cottage type homes, Judy’s never been this far out of town so she takes everything in as they walk. Jen pulls her through a wooden gate, letting Judy go first and then shutting it behind her.

“Here we are…”

Jen presents the view with her hand out, bowing dramatically and then leading Judy further down the grassy bank. There’s a huge lake and the water glistens in the starry night sky. Only the sound of the water washing up against the rocks and the occasional twitter of an owl fills the vast space.

“You brought me here to kill me?” Judy teases, feigning a fearful look as Jen walks further to the water.

“Yes my plan all along was to befriend you and then murder you with my bare hands in the dead of night…” Jen says, finishing the sentence with a deeper tone that’s supposed to mimic the villains on the films she watches at Halloween, the clown from IT maybe or Freddy Krueger. Her hands come up to Judy’s neck at the same time and her fingers wrap around her cold skin, it makes Judy laugh and then she steps away from her, grabbing her reaching hands between her own. “Joking obviously.” Jen rolls her eyes sarcastically and then pulls Judy down to sit with her. The grass is cold but not wet, they’ll probably have grass stains on them, and Judy will have to put her uniform in the wash before her next shift but it’s peaceful, sitting in front of a shimmering lake below a half moon and a gazillion stars. Judy crosses her legs on the grass, glad she’s wore black tights underneath her skirt today. The two sit in silence for a while, Judy spies a fox running across the grass close to them and she quickly points Jen in the direction of it, catching the last of its bushy tale as it runs inside a nearby bush.

“How’s your mom?” Judy asks then, her quiet voice sounding almost like a thunder strike, breaking the silence between them.

“She’s home now, she’s doing better, arguing with me over what we watch on television so id say she’s back to normal.” Jen says still looking out at the water, mirroring Judy’s gaze.

“Is she still having chemotherapy?”

Jen nods in response. “It’s like her fifth round, two more to go and then they’ll check to see whether it’s actually made a difference, the first time it didn’t and they’d found her cancer had spread further, this time she’s thinking of having the...ya know.”

Judy frowns.

Jen gestures to her own chest area, “they can take them away and hopefully it’ll help.” Her mom had talked to her once she’d reached 16 about a mastectomy and the chances of Jen having the gene, they’re fairly high. Jen’s not worried yet, she doesn’t think about it much but sometimes she catches herself slipping into the future and picturing a version of herself laying in a hospital bed or being told that she too has breast cancer. She doesn’t know whether she’ll have it, _how’s a teenager that’s barely mature enough to cook dinner supposed to know whether she’ll get rid of her tilts in a few years time._

“Oh right.” Judy says, a little embarrassed that she didn’t know what Jen meant at first. It’s not like her mom had told her about anything like that, obviously she knows about cancer and illnesses from biology at school but she doesn’t even know how to _check_ , she wonders if Jen does. If it’s something you even do at this age. “I hope it works for her.”

“Me too.”

Jen starts fiddling with a nearby rock, rolling it in the grass underneath her finger tips as the silence comes upon them once again. It’s not uncomfortable though, it’s easy and safe and neither of them mind that the only sound between them is their breathing that’s almost in sync. And the plop of the stone in the water as Jen throws it. Judy copies her and then they’re seeing who can throw it the furthest. Jen wins, she has longer arms Judy tells her.

The two end up laying with their heads side by side on the grass, hairs sprawled out underneath them. It’s a lot darker and Jen feels her phone vibrating with texts from her dad asking where she is. On the third text she takes her phone out to type back a message quickly,

**‘I’m okay dad, don’t worry, coming home soon’**

before slotting the phone back inside her pocket.

“We should head back.” Judy says then. Eleanor won’t care that she’s out this late, she’s probably not even home but she knows Jen’s parents do with the amount of pings she’s heard for the last five minutes. She wishes she had someone to worry about her.

“Yeah we should.” Jen says with a sigh.

Neither of them move and they stay there sprawled out on the grass for a while longer before the cold and the darkness gets the better of them and they’re jogging up to the gate to warm up. Jen takes Judy’s hand again and guides her through the crowds on the way back through the square, filled to the brim with people. There’s music coming from one of the buildings so Jen figured there’s a concert or show happening inside. She feels protective of Judy, something itching inside of her that tells her to keep her close and she does with a hand on her back while her other hand holds Judy’s until they reach the subway doors and they can sit inside a desolate carriage side by side.

Neither of their hands let go until Jen has to get off at her stop, and Judy walks her right up to the doors and then waves until the train pulls her away.

*

Days of friendship turn into more days and Judy’s never been happier. Currently she’s excited because Jen’s recital is later on in the day, it starts at 6, and she’s trying to choose an outfit from her limited wardrobe. She pulls out a long length skirt that’s brown with white flowers and then a short t shirt that cuts off at the waist. There are a few other outfits lined up on her bed as she checks over them all. Judy wants to impress, she’s meeting Jen’s parents and she doesn’t want them to think she’s just some scrappy kid that lives in a dirty old trailer in the worst part of town.

“Hmm..”

Judy tries on a pair of dark purple, velvet dungaree shorts and pairs it with a plain black jumper and doc martens. When she looks in the mirror she doesn’t hate what she sees, she combs her hair through with her fingers and sorts her bangs out so they fall right, they’re looking a little long so maybe she’ll cut them later. She’s worked out how to do it so it looks presentable enough. It’s not her usual colourfulness but it’ll do, besides she doesn’t want to stand out and wearing her favourite rainbow striped jumper and ripped jeans would probably do just that. Fitting in with Jen’s ‘scene’ is important.

There’s a few hours before she has to set off to get the subway, Jen had offered to let her parents pick her up but she’d politely declined. Jen was already at the studio practising for tonight so she’ll be getting the subway alone. It shouldn’t be too bad at this time, but Jen had warned her anyway about “ _dirty old men tryna look down girls tops”_ as if it was Judy’s first time riding the subway, she doesn’t mind in fact her heart warms at the protection. If that’s even what it is.

Judy sometimes thinks she’s too invested in their friendship and that she’ll seem desperate for Jen’s attention and affection. _Needy,_ her mother calls her. She hopes she isn’t with Jen because the love she feels for the blonde is like the buzz of a bee, fluttering around and reminding her of it every five seconds when she stares at Jen for too long or when she holds her hand for longer than necessary. Judy recognises that Jen never pulls away from her, but sometimes when their eyes meet like Jen’s already been looking her way she averts her eyes away from Judy’s gaze and her cheeks colour. Almost as if there’s a magnetic pull between them that’s a little off kilter. Judy hopes she’s not too overbearing and hopes Jen would tell her if she was, she figures it’s a good sign Jen’s stuck around though. She’s not been forced to invite her to the recital or get lunch with her on random afternoons when their schedules fit, so a flutter of hope grows in Judy’s stomach.

Once the clothes are packed away back inside her wardrobe her stomach growls, reminding her that she hasn’t yet had lunch so she goes to rummage through the fridge to find something. There’s left over tomato and cheese pasta so she heats that up quickly and takes it to eat in her room. A door slamming makes her jump and nearly spill her forkful of pasta on her bed sheets. She assumes it’s her mom but walks out of her room cautiously just in case.

“Hey baby I’m starving whatcha got cookin’?”

“Um…” Judy walks closer to her. Eleanor’s back is turned and she’s leaning against the door while she slurs her words. “Pasta if you’d like?” Judy offers, there’s a decent portion left.

Her mom nods and then stumbles past her to collapse onto the couch, legs kicked up on the small wooden table. “Sure thang, ha..” She scoffs, “the room is spinning.”

Judy keeps quiet. She hates when her mom gets like this, now a days she’s almost never _not_ like this though so she’s used to it by now.

“Don’t just stand there baby, bring mamma some food or I’ll waste away!” Eleanor says in a fake Texas accent that she seems to find hilarious while Judy gulps and pours out her pasta into a dish. Quickly grabbing a fork, she pops it inside the dish, sticking it into a few pasta curls so it doesn’t fall out, and then she hands it to her mom.

“Mmm…” Eleanor shovels three forkfuls in her mouth and moans at the taste, her eyes bulging and she chews. Judy’s surprised she hasn’t choked on the amount of pasta she’s chewing on. “God I’m so _hungry_.”

Judy runs the tap for a glass of water for herself, sipping a bit before asking “where did you go?” Quietly and then holding her breath, fearful for what the answer will be, or what her response will be rather.

“What’re you my mother?” Eleanor scoffs and a chunk of bitten pasta flies across the room making Judy squirm a little and grip the glass she’s holding until her finger tips are a pale white. “Ha! _She_ was a piece of work…”

Judy nods, pouring the last of the water back into the sink before drying her mouth with the back of her hand. She checks the time on the small clock in the corner, half 4. If she sets off now she can walk extra slow to get to the subway, and get out of her moms hair.

“I’m heading out in a sec mom.” Judy tells her, but she thinks it sounds a little blunt so she quickly adds “if you don’t need me here…”

Eleanor shakes her head stirring her bowl of pasta. “Where ya going? Work? I swear to god Judy they overwork you and pay you what? Shit that’s what.”

“No not work.” Judy says. “I’m going to see my friend in a dance recital.”

“A what now?” Her mom scoffs.

Judy frowns and starts to play with he tips of her hair, a habit of hers for when she’s nervous.

“I’ll be back at 9, that’s when it finishes.” Judy says, ignoring her previous remark and grabbing her coat from her room. The ticket Jen had given her the last time they saw each other is stuffed in her pocket and she clutches it between her fingers.

“Look at you dirty stop out…” Her mom taunts, bursting out into a fit of laughter, leaning backwards and banging her head on the wall in the process.

Judy moves towards the door quickly, she’d rather not witness her mom knock herself out before leaving for Jen’s show. She wants nothing to ruin tonight so she doesn’t give her mom a chance, she says goodbye and she’s out of the door before anything else can be said.

*

Judy arrives in the city square no later than when she agreed to meet Jen, she can’t see the other girl yet so she goes to sit on a bench to wait. Her tights aren’t providing as much warmth as she’d like out in the cool breeze and when she breathes out her breath clouds in front of her in the air like smoke. She puffs out a few more times and watches the grey fog appear and disappear, her nose is icy cold and she pulls her fluffy hold up and around her head, she hopes Jen will still be able to see her.

A few minutes later she feels a tap on her shoulder and Judy turns her head to the left, frowning when she sees no one and then smiling when she hears giggling from behind her. A blonde head pops up to the right of her then with a quick “hey.”

Judy smiles and rolls her eyes fondly, “hey.”

“We better get going I’m late meeting you as it is, sorry if you were waiting long.”

Judy doesn’t mind, it’s not as if she’d be anywhere else. “It’s fine I wasn’t.”

“Oh good, come on, I have my leotard on under these jeans and it’s _rubbing_.” Jen sad making a pained expression and pulling at her trousers with an annoyed face, Judy giggles and stands, following Jen as they walk through the square and out past ‘Bella’s’.

When they arrive at the studio, a white and red coloured building with a red rose painted on the front, the same one that was on Jen’s bag pack so Judy figured it’s their logo, Jen leads Judy inside waves to a couple of people she sees on the way in somewhat reluctantly. The walls are a pristine white and the studio looks huge. Inside the foyer there’s at least ten trophies lined up on a shelf behind a glass display and while Jen goes to find her parents, leaving Judy to wait for her, she looks closer at the trophies and sees ‘Jennifer Harding’ etched into one of the biggest trophies there. There are other people in the foyer area chatting, in fact Judy thinks she sees one of Jen’s friends, Alice? Maybe, she’s basing it off the quick glance she’d got at work but she never forgets a face. She smiles quickly when the girl turns around and meets her eyes accidentally. Some other audience members come inside, a large family of four, the mom of the bunch pushing a stroller and trying to soothe the crying baby. They park it right next to Judy and the baby looks at her with a strangely intense stare so she waves and pulls a silly face, the baby laughs so she carries on making little faces and gestures with her hands until the taller woman side eyes her and moves the stroller to the opposite side. Judy clears her throat and whispers a quick, “sorry,” and then she see’s Jen and her parents approaching so she walks to meet them halfway.

She slows her stride as she gets closer, a little nervous. Jen’s parents are stood dressed all formally behind her. Jen’s dad wears a suit and tie and Jen’s mom has a gorgeous long yellow dress on with a black and whit headscarf. She doesn’t look the slightest bit ill, maybe it’s the colour in her cheeks or the lipstick she wears. Judy thinks she’s beautiful.

Jen steps up to Judy and takes her wrist, pulling her closer. “Come here,” she whispers to Judy with a small smile.

“This is my mom and dad, Samantha and Fred.” Jen gestures to them and then back to Judy, “this is Judy.”

Judy stretches her hand out, “hello,” and her dad takes it first not wanting to leave her hanging.

“Evening.” He says with a kind smile and a warm hand that shakes Judy’s before stepping aside to let Samantha do the same. She picks up her dress to step forward in one hand and holds Judy’s with the other. It reminds Judy of a princess the way her dress trails and the softness of her hands. “Hi Judy, it’s lovely to meet you honey.”

Judy let’s her hand fall back at her side where she pulls the sleeve of her arm nervously. “You too!”

“Should I take you to your seats?”

Jen leads them through a hallway with another set of trophies and pictures displayed on the wall of the various dancers past and present to the audience gallery that’s already occupied by a few people. There’s about half an hour until the show starts so Jen sits beside Judy until she has to go back to the dressing room. The room gets fuller by the minute and Judy’s excitement builds. She’s not been to anything like this before, unless she counts her nativity, and she can’t wait to see Jen and her team dance. As Samantha and Fred chat between them Judy can’t help but imagine what it was like growing up for Jen with _two_ parents who actually want to be involved in their daughters life. Who pay for dance lessons and attend competitions and recitals. The way they talk with each other Judy’s never been witness of, the way Fred’s hand rests gently on Samantha’s back is so different to the way Andy (or whatever random guy her mom brings home) clutches at her moms hair when they’re kissing outside, they way he shoves her against the wall and gropes her body. Judy turns away then, but she finds herself starring at Jen’s mom and the gentleness of the two of them.

She goes quiet when Jen runs back into the dressing room area and shuffles in her seat nervously. It’s strange being alone with Jen’s parents only moments after meeting them and Judy doesn’t know whether to speak or stay quiet.

“So Judy, are you interested in dance or just here for the free refreshments?” Fred asks, the latter part meaning to be a joke she guesses, because he laughs at his own words. As if proving his point a lady dressed in all white comes with a platter of chocolate covered strawberries and offers the plate out to their row, Fred delights in taking one and Samantha declines. Judy politely does too.

“I like dance I guess, I’ve never seen Jen dance so I’m excited to.” She says with a small smile. “The food is good organisation though.” She adds with a head tilt aimed at Fred who says “certainly is…” around a mouthful of strawberry.

“Oh, figures! Jen said you work in a restaurant?”

“I do.” She nods her head. “Bella’s, I’m not sure whether you’ve heard of it…”

Samantha seems to think for a minute and then her eyebrows raise “yes!” She turns and elbows Fred, “was it Valentine’s Day or our anniversary when you took me there…it’s Italian right?”

Judy nods. “All the same to me.” Fred responds with a sarcastic shrug that earns him a slap from Samantha.

Soon all the lights go off and a female voice sounds out over a microphone, echoing around the room. A spotlight is turned on the stage and it feels like everyone around Judy goes still. She daren’t move for fear of making the slightest noise, anyone would hear a pin drop.

“ ** _Good evening and welcome to our annual recital at the Rosary Dance Studio._**

****

**_Throughout the show you’ll be the first to see potential award winning solo’s, group dances, duets and trios, and we’ll finish on an improvised number from our elder members of the company. With numbers choreographed by New York’s finest, Jessica Roberts, David Henderson and a few of our very own members._ **

****

**_So sit back, relax and enjoy the show. During the intermission there will be a raffle and the proceeds will go towards funding a new dance studio over in California so obviously you’re all encouraged to buy a ticket, especially since there are excellent prizes up for grabs._ **

****

**_Feel free to purchase programmes and professional photographs from our in house photographer at the end of the show but please refrain from taking photographs during the performance._ **

****

**_Please enjoy the show and thank you for coming along.”_ **

****

A pair of huge red velvety curtains are pulled outwards to reveal a dark stage with a group of silhouettes stood frozen still. The lights come up slowly and encapsulate the three girls stood at the front in a crouched position, two brunettes and a blonde in the middle. Judy can only see the bun on top of her head but she’s sure it’s Jen. As her eyes fix on the middle dancer the music starts, a slow rendition of ‘Chasing Stars’ by Extreme Music fades in and the dance begins. A beautiful contemporary evoking emotion and atmosphere, the girls wear a black shirt dress, their hairs all in buns with a black glittery band wrapped around instead of a hair tie and the spotlight turns into a stage light, highlighting the seven dancers on stage. The movement is fluid and everything is elongated, Judy’s never seen anything as graceful and angelic, she’s mostly watching Jen, smiling when her leap seems higher than everyone else or when she’s featured in the middle. It’s basically another form of art to Judy and she appreciates every second of it.

One dance turns into another and soon Judy hears the first few chords of ‘Amazing Grace’, a song she knows every inch of after listening to it on Jen’s iPod that many times. She sits up straighter and watches in awe as Jen steps onto the stage and begins moving in a way that seems so easy to her, as if she lives and breathes the music and the steps. Her hair is in curls, half up half down, and her purple costume flows gorgeously on her turns. Jen’s eyes meet hers only for a second, but her smile grows wider and it feels like the dance is just for her. Jen’s body moves like the ocean, free and beautifully large, her arms extend right to the tips of her fingers and she can contort herself like elastic.

Judy claps loudly once Jen finishes and the music fades, and as much as Jen tries to remain in character and humble she manages a quick smile at her parents and at Judy, lingering on the latter as she walks off stage with her feet still perfectly pointed.

The first person Jen sees after her recital is Judy and she runs up to her and envelopes her in a bone crushing hug, all the while telling her how good she was. Jen appreciates it and hugs her back with one arm, the other trapped between them. Her parents trail behind and congratulate her on her solo and tell her she was amazing. Some of the other dance parents come and do the same but Jen briskly moves through the crowds with Judy’s arm hooked tightly in hers.

“So you liked it?” Jen asks, dodging a few kids running up to hug Nancy, they’re her little cousins if Jen remembers correctly and are all dancers themselves.

Judy leans further into her side as they make their way to the exit. “Loved it, how do you even do that with you’re body you’re like elastagirl!”

Jen laughs, “years of practice.”

“I bet…”

Jen turns to make sure her parents are still following and they are but at their own pace, Samantha already got two parents, Isabella and Alice’s mom on one side talking to her while Fred waves to one of the dance dads across the room.

“Would you like to get takeout with us? I haven’t eaten yet and I’m starving…”

“Um, are you sure I don’t wanna be a burden, not when you’ve already done _so_ much for me already…”

Jen shakes her head, “a ticket to my dance recital is not _much_ , please come it’d be cool with you there.”

Judy thinks about it, she is kinda hungry, the small amount of pasta she had before setting off hadn’t filled much of her hole. “If you’re sure.”

“I am.” Jen says, tapping Judy’s nose twice with her finger earning a smile.

They’re back in the foyer bit and waiting for Jen’s parents when Judy says she needs the bathroom so Jen points her to the nearest one and Judy hurries off saying she’ll be right back. Jen’s stood waiting a little bit before her parents get to her, her mom looks tired in the way she carries herself over to them, shoulders heavier and legs slower than when they first arrived. Jen smiles as they approach, her mom asking where Judy is.

“Bathroom.”

She nods in response. “You were so amazing tonight, you’re turns were on point in every number, I swear _that Natalie_ fell out of hers in the jazz number towards the end…”

“Thanks mom.” Jen says, widening her eyes and checking to make sure no one heard _that._ “Oh, I asked Judy to get food with us is that alright?”

Fred and Samantha share a look and then shrug, “I don’t see why not, but-“ Her mom pulls a face, “will she not need to get home?”

“Doubt it, she-“ Doesn’t really say much about her home life or her mom, Jen doesn’t know why but she doesn’t want to admit that to her mom. Not when Judy’s made such a good impression, she feels saying how _little_ she actually knows about Judy’s home may ruin that. “She’ll be fine, we can drop her off after right?”

“Sure.” Fred nods, “I’ll go get the car…” He says, rummaging through his pocket for the keys and then swinging them around his finger as she walks out towards the exit.

“Thanks honey…” Samantha shouts after him. “You know, Judy is a lovely girl…”

Jen rolls her eyes, “…but?” She says expectantly.

Samantha tugs and shifts on her feet. “ _But,_ she’s not usually the type of friend you have, I was just surprised that’s all…”

“Why? Because I don’t hang around with girls who think they’re Barbie dolls anymore?”

“No!” She says loudly before shuffling closer to say, “she’s just quiet, and doesn’t seem like one to open up easily so I figured you’d have to even though you’re usually one to do the complete opposite.”

She’s not wrong and Jen knows that, has thought that herself anyway. It’s just Judy, something about her is different to the other girls in her school or at dance. She’s endearing and shy and totally humble in a way that makes Jen wants to try and make her open up, and try until she’s successful. “Judy’s quiet but she’s not boring and she actually listens and _cares_ , she’s not pigheaded or tarty or fake, she’s just… _Judy,_ I dunno…”

Before Jen can say anything else Judy comes strolling over to them apologising for taking too long even though it’s only been a couple of minutes.

*

After eating a burger and portion of chips from Chipotle Jen’s parents ask where to drop Judy off and she pauses halfway through finishing the cookie her and Jen are sharing.

“I can get the subway you don’t have to do that…” Judy says.

“We insist honey, besides it’s late.” Samantha assures from the front seat.

Judy feels Jen’s eyes on her and eventually agrees to let them drive her, telling them the street which Fred puts in the car sat nav. When they pull onto the street beside hers Judy feels her throat clam up because she can’t have Jen or her parents seeing that she lives in a tattered old trailer outside someone else’s house. Her throat feels sore and her eye tear up, she clenched her hands into a fist and wills her brain to come up with any excuse.

“You can drop me here! It’s a dead end and it’s really tricky to turn cars round there, it’s much easier.” Judy says, hoping her voice doesn’t waver.

The car slows but Fred asks if she’s sure, and Judy assures them she is, asking them for their rubbish bags so she can throw them out as she goes. Fred pulls the car up on the side of the road and keeps the engine running while Judy steps out.

“Thank you for tonight, I had a great time.” Judy says while holding the door open and bending down so she can thank them all, most of all Jen for inviting her in the first place.

“Thanks for coming.” Jen says back.

“Hopefully we’ll see you soon Judy?” Samantha shouts form the front seat and Judy nods quickly but doesn’t want to assume, so she quickly thanks them again. “No need. Be careful walking.”

“I will.” Judy steps backwards. “See you soon?” She says looking at Jen.

Jen nods, “bye Judy.”

Judy waves the car and watches as they pull off back onto the main road. On her walk back home she dumps the bags into a trash can on the pavement and shoves them deep inside so she my don’t blow out again. It’s windy and freezing so she quickens her pace so she can get inside and showered.

Eleanor is no where to be seen once she walks through the door and the pasta bowl is left half full on the side from earlier, but Judy can’t get rid of the smile on her face that’s so wide it hurts her cheeks after the night she’s had. It’s probably been the _best_ night she’s had and she’s got Jen to thank for that.


	4. Cold days, colder nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, hope you’re good. I’m back with this chapter, Idek why I’m writing this tbh but it’s something to do haha. 
> 
> How’s everyone feeling after the Christina and Linda content yesterday? Linda’s hairrrrr omg and also, “I wish you would love yourself more” was my favourite moment. Ever. Of LIFE. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter :)

They’ve arranged to meet up this surprisingly sunny-yet icy cold-Sunday afternoon, the trains are quiet enough for Rosie to come with Jen without fuss so they’re meeting on the subway, changing at the stop after Jen’s and then hopping on a bus to the park. Jen says she knows the way. Judy sits in their usual spot with her head leant on the window. She thinks over the past few weeks and how much her life has changed just because she’s not got Jen in it. They’ve seen each other practically every day since Jen’s recital, had gotten lunch a few times on days where Judy’s shift is in the afternoon and Jen has an hour break from the studio. Jen says they’re getting ready for boot camp, a week long of activities where children and other teenagers come in and do a week of intensive or beginner dance workshops and lessons, at the end they’re offered a chance of joining the studio. Judy’s working almost every day now, she takes up a lot of overtime because it isn’t like she’s got anything else on her radar. Her mom pops back to the trailer every now and then but mostly she’s out, she’s seen her twice this week and both of those times she’d come home for a mere change of clothes and a bite to eat and had disappeared yet again. Judy finds herself caring less every day about where her mom goes, she _knows_ wherever it is has drugs and alcohol because whenever she comes home she’s high or falling all over the place. Having Jen distracts her from that and she worries a lot less about Eleanor now than she used to, she can’t change her and she’s just about accepted that.

They pull into Jen’s stop and Judy sees her holding Rosie on a red leash, Rosie wags her tail as Jen goes about moving towards a door and Judy sits up in her seat waiting. She sees Rosie walk on first and then Jen, who smiles in greeting while walking over to her.

“Hi!” Judy reaches out to let Rosie who happily complies and shoves herself between the seat and Judy’s legs.

“What am I chopped liver?”

Judy shakes her head smiling. Jen sits beside Judy and hands Judy Rosie’s leash, “here.” Judy takes it with a smile and grips the leash in her hands, Jen’s trusting her with Rosie so she can’t mess this up, one leg steadies Rosie as the train jerks into movement so she doesn’t fall.

“How are you?” Judy asks then, her hand constantly running through Rosie’s thick fur.

“I’m okay, tired though, I stayed up last night trying to choreograph a dance for the mini’s who’re coming next week…” Jen says while stretching her arms over her head. Her back cracks as she does and she struggles to get comfortable on the hard train seats.

“Did you manage to come up with anything?”

“Like a few eight counts but the music is awful, it’s not even a real song and it sounds like it’s sung by a bunch of five year olds.” Jen rolls her eyes, “anyways how about you?”

“I’m good.” Judy nods. She wracks her brain trying to think of something to tell Jen in return, she’s shared with her and now she feels guilty she doesn’t have anything to share back. Except for…”oh, Paul says he might have an art commission for me, he wants his nephew painting for a gift for his birthday so he asked if I’d be up for it.”

“Seriously!? That’s amazing, is he paying you?”

Judy had forgotten to ask that part when Paul had proposed it to her, she was just so excited that someone actually _wanted_ her to paint for them, especially as a family birthday present. It’s quite stupid when she thinks back on it now, she’d just agreed right away without any thought about whether she’d even have the right supplies or time to even get a painting done. She hasn’t completed a piece in ages because of work.

“Um, I don’t know I didn’t ask.”

Jen shakes her head, “don’t let him not pay alright?”

Judy just nods tight lipped.

“I mean it, I will come and tell him myself, Judy Hale doesn’t work for free.” Jen tells her with a serious look on her face. There is is again, the defence and protection that Judy’s _never_ had before. She doesn’t really know how to handle it.

“Thanks.” Judy settles with and pats Jen’s knee.

Jen shrugs, “oh, come on this is our stop…”

Judy stands up, the leash held tightly in her clammy hands. They make their way to the door and when the train stops they hop off the train letting Rosie jump down off the ledge first. They walk up the stairs and out onto Bridge Street, walk a few minutes until they reach a small corner store named ‘Sallie’s’, it’s a small newsagent, a convenience type of store and Jen tells just she’s going to grab them snacks for the park while Judy waits outside with Rosie. She comes back out moments later with a black plastic bag and a big bottle of Coke wedged under her right arm.

They walk on, down a few more streets and then through a green painted gate, which some of the paint falls off of like thin tree bark in Judy’s hand as she pulls it open and releases it shut again. The park is practically empty save for a few runners and bike riders. There’s a forest area to the left of them that bends around the back of the park into a sort of exit/entrance situation at each side of the park, the trees opening in a clearing at either end. There’s benches dotted around the park beside a path that circles in between the grass, a patch of field is in the middle and there’s a small basic park with a simple swing set and slide in the far end. It’s fenced off so Jen bends to unhook Rosie’s leash who runs off after the tennis ball Jen gives Judy to throw for her, it doesn’t end up going very far and Jen side eyes her trying not to laugh.

“Oops.” Judy says, taking the ball again when Rosie brings it back to them.

They walk on the path and into the forest, there’s a stream running though the middle with stepping stones and rocks so Jen says they should sit there for a while. Rosie runs through the water at full speed and splashes them both with freezing cold water, the springy lab looking mischievously back at them both before heading off to explore the trees.

Jen dumps down the bag and coke, waiting a little bit before opening the lid and taking a gulp. She offers the bottle to Judy who accepts and takes a sip.

“I forgot about cups sorry.” Jen says, taking one last drink before putting the lid back on.

“No worries.” Judy says, not minding at all that she has to share a bottle with Jen, or the fact that Jen must be wearing lipgloss or chapstick which gets on the lid before Judy got a sip.

Jen empties the contents of the back into the rock they’re sitting on, “okay so I got us gobstoppers, Doritos, the chilli ones I hope you like that flavour,” Judy does. “Fizzy lacy sweet things-I don’t know they were cheap…” Judy laughs, taking one of them from Jen’s offering hand. “And Oreos.”

“Healthy.” Judy teases, wincing a little from the sourness of the Apple flavoured lace. Jen’s face mirrors hers and she smacks her tongue against the roof of her mouth dramatically.

“Rosie!” Jen whistles for her, she’s off god knows where and Judy would be worried if it wasn’t for Jen’s confidence that she’d be fine. Seconds later Rosie appears carrying a large stick over to them, “oh no you better drop that before you come Rose…” Jen says, her arm stretching out to prevent Rosie carrying the stick any further.

“Here Rosie!” Judy takes the ball from her pocket and throws it, a little further than earlier but it does the trick as Rosie drops the stick and fetches the ball instead. Jen picks the muddy branch up with her index finger and thumb and throw it halfheartedly away from them. She wipes the mud off on her coat. It’s black anyway.

Judy sits cross legged, she looks much younger than she actually is with a dark green beanie pushed onto her head and her flyaway bangs peaking out from underneath. Her cheeks are rosy and Jen can see her teeth chattering from the cold, so she offers her scarf to Judy without actually waiting for an answer because knowing Judy it’d probably be ‘ _no thank you I’m fine’_ even though she’s not, so takes it from her own neck and loops it around Judy’s, taking the longer end of the scarf and tucking it under the knot. Judy leans into it with her chin, it’s warm from Jen’s neck.

“My moms having her next chemo round tomorrow.” Jen tells her, it’s never been this easy before, to just tell someone about the shitty stuff that’s happening in her life, especially anything involving her mom’s cancer because she can’t stand the fake understanding or even worse, pity. With Judy it’s like spreading already melted butter onto hot toast.

“Do you go?” Judy asks, “to the hospital I mean…” she clarifies.

“I used to go a lot when I was younger…” Jen says. She remembers sitting beside her mom’s chair, playing with her polly pocket dolls either on the chair next to all the large hospital equipment (that used to scare her a little) or the cold floor while her mom had drugs pumped into her to fight that the cancer that was spreading like wildfire. The nurses would play with her sometimes or bring her orange juice specially for her, the one without bits in because she didn’t like that kind. “Now not so much, but sometimes I do. She has friends there so she’s not lonely or anything.” Jen says, making sure Judy knows she’s not heartless. She hates going to chemo sessions with her now, the room is filled with sick people, those later on in the cancer journey who may have not got long to live, those who are terrified to start it and those like her mom who keep reappearing in the same hospital chairs over and over again because the cancer won’t take a hint.

“Good!” Judy says, then regrets the choice of wording because it’s not _good_. “I’m sure it’s hard for her, and you.”

Jen nods, the sigh indicating that she doesn’t know what else to really say. So Judy does what Judy does best and steers the topic in a more light hearted direction, talking about how musically the birds chipper above them or about how she’d love to paint the scene in front of them with the water and trees and Rosie running through them. Jen loves that about her. _Loves_? Likes.

She doesn’t know what else she’d call it though, ‘likes’ seems too empty, because she feels deeply about how happy and free Judy makes her feel even if she doesn’t want to admit it. She can’t deny it though, this past month with Judy has been one of the best. It feels like flying with out the constricts of an aeroplane.

“I like history!”

“Boring…”

They’re talking about school and what subjects they like, and _of course_ Judy loves practically all of them.

“ _Maths_ is boring.”

“Finally one you don’t like.”

“I’m right though, algebra is just a bunch of x’s” Judy waves her hands when speaking, passionately so about her dislike for maths.

“And y’s.” Jen adds, a grin creeping up on her face.

Judy laughs in response, and once it quietens again she takes a sip of coke, eyes tearing a little at the fizzy-ness. Or maybe it’s because of the cold. Because her nose is running and she thinks her feet are numb, so she stands and walks over to the stepping stones and carefully walks across to the other side avoiding the water. She turns back to face Jen and smiles widely, as if saying ‘I did it!’, and then hops back over with a spring in her step.

“My legs feel like stones.” Judy says, offering a slight explanation for the impromptu wonder. She doesn’t sit down beside Jen, instead she shifts from one leg to the other and tries to get rid of the tingling in her feet.

“We can walk for a bit if you want?” Jen suggests with a shrug.

“If you want.”

“Do _you_ want to?” Jen asks her.

“Alright.”

Jen shakes her head with a laugh, “pull me up.” She reaches her arms forward and flexes her fingers before Judy takes her hands and dramatically heaves her up, almost falling backwards in the process. Jen falls into Judy’s chest as she releases her hands and it’s soft and…cushiony. It makes her feel a little awkward so she steps back a bit, relaxing when Judy’s still got the same wide stretched smile on her face. Jen snaps out of whatever fixation she just had and calls Rosie, her collar jingling as she runs over to the two of them.

As they walk side by side, the path is narrow and there’s muddy patches to either side of them, _that’s_ why they’re walking so closely, their hands brush against one another’s, neither step away or fall behind a step. Fingers touch like two magnets not quite meeting, the pull is there but they move up and down, circling each other until something gives and they connect, positive to negative. Jen eyes Judy as they walk, she’s smaller than her so it’s easy just to look down at the corner of her eye, the scarf is still bundled around her neck and she can just see her pointed lips over the material. Jen looks ahead at the slightly rockier path and decides just to take the leap and grasp Judy’s hand in her own, she doesn’t even look at Jen in question, she just holds her hand back yet Jen still feels the need to justify her action. She _likes_ Judy and doesn’t want her to fall, she _is_ often unsteady on her feet.

“So you don’t trip.” Jen voices, air clouding in front of her as she does.

Judy seems confused for a second before feeling a squeeze on her hand, “my hero.” She says with a fond smile.

From anyone else it’d sound sarcastic or cringe and uncomfortable, from Judy it sounds like her favourite song.

*

It’s only the beginning of week 3 of summer break and Jen comes home from dance to a pile of homework sent from school, balancing on the end of the kitchen counters. Her dad points it out to her and she says she’ll take it to her room, bundling the files and folders into her arms and heading upstairs before she drops them all. Her arms are about to give way and she gets to her bed just in time to dump them on the top, herself too, flopping down next to them making the bed cream at the weight. Her head lands beside the stack of work and she turns away, laying on her back looking up at the ceiling. Jen doesn’t feel like moving, let alone taking the leotard off that’s under her clothes, least of all making a start on dinner that _she_ has to make tonight. That whole arrangement had started because Jen’s dad had complained that she did too little around the house and that once a week she should make family dinner for the three of them. She’d reluctantly agreed, telling them after her first meal (which will be disgusting because she _can’t_ cook to save her life) they’ll be scrapping that and she’ll just have to watch the dishes or something instead.

It had been full on in the studio today and then her and Judy had walked around the shops close by at lunch so her legs were aching and her feet hurt from being cramped inside of boots and ballet slippers all day. She rolls her ankles and her left one cracks, Jen lets out a little ‘ow!’ Her arm squishes in next to her, between the stack of work and her thigh, she _really_ needs to ask for a double bed.

A knock sounds on her bedroom door then and Samantha steps inside, pulling a face when she sees Jen half on and half off her bed, t-shirt rising half up her torso. “You got your summer work then?”

“Yep.” Jen nods with a groan, sliding off of the bed with a thump. She rests her head on her arms on the duvet, closing her eyes and silently willing her mom to leave her alone for at least five working days. Maybe she’ll have recovered by then.

“You know Jen…” Samantha grabbed Jen’s desk chair and pulls it to sit on, crossing her legs once she does. “Me and your dad were talking earlier, have you even started applying for college yet?”

“No.”

“Jen it’s next year, you are going right?”

“Yes.” She huffs, blowing her stray hair from her face. “I haven’t thought about it.”

Samantha frowns, “well you should start, you know Tammy next door has a daughter your age and she’s already been on campus tours!”

“Well she’s a smart ass who probably has to do ten examinations before she gets into her _elite_ colleges…” Jen says, rolling her eyes, _what does Tammy’s nerdy daughter have to do with this anyway._

Samantha shakes her head. “Do you know what courses you want to do?”

Jen shrugs lazily. “Something involving dance but, I don’t know if I’m good enough to get in.”

“Are you sure? You know, _obviously_ you’re amazing at dance but, college is more about developing something so you can eventually get a job, don’t you think dance is more of a…hobby?”

“Well thanks for the confidence _mom”_ Jen huffs, pulling herself back up on the bed to sit against the wall, it’s too cold on her back so she flinched at first but then relaxes into it.

“Jen…”

“No, you _clearly_ don’t think I can get a job as a dancer so what _do_ you think I should do?” Jen asks, a little harshly because she knows herself that isn’t good at anything else.

Samantha stumbles a little, probably a little guiltily, before saying “well, business or marketing maybe, you’d enjoy that, it’s about bossing people around.” She says, jokingly to try and soften her other words.

Jen rolls her eyes.

“It’s not that I don’t think you can be a dancer, it’s more that I want you to be a hundred and ten percent sure that you want to pursue something as gruelling and harsh as a career in dance, you may never make it, that’s not me being cruel, it’s a fact…”

Jen nods slowly. She recognises how hard it is to break into the dance world and that a girl from her background, an ordinary family living on the outskirts of New York City and her perhaps _cold_ attitude at times makes it even more difficult to be seen. After all, she’s not like the other girls at dance who shove themselves to the front of the queue for any audition or volunteering position.

Perhaps she should be.

Judy would tell her to go for it, follow her dreams if that’s what she wants. Jen thinks of the beaming smile she receives whenever she speaks about dance in front of Judy, it’s like Judy sees her as some sort of superstar. She’s basically her number one fan. She has more hope for Jen than her whole family put together probably, and it’s endearing how Judy believes so much, has so much faith in her.

“I know, but I’m not offended so easily, and I’m not good at anything else, I can’t see myself being a businessman like dad or a teacher like you…” Jen says.

Samantha nods slowly. “If it’s what you want then go for it, I’ll grab the laptop and after dinner we can look through some options okay?”

Jen really doesn’t want to, she’s tired enough as it is and she wants a shower after she’s made food (if you can even call it that once she’s finished), but her mom _does_ so she figures it won’t exactly hurt. “Okay.”

*

“So do you have a boyfriend Judy?” Tessa asks her, leaning her back against the break room door and eyeing one of the other girls, Natalie, with a small smirk that Judy catches but pretends not to. It’s easier.

“Um no…” Judy says, forcing a smile.

Paul gives her a reassuring one back, coming to stand beside her. “She’s got high standards right Judy?”

Judy nods tight lipped.

Natalie scoffs and whispers something into Tessa’s ear, it makes Judy feel uncomfortable, especially when it’s just the four of them on lunch break because it feels like a fight could break out at any second, Tessa would start it and Paul would defend her or himself. Never does anything actually break out though, instead Tessa continues pouring petrol on an already ignited fire and the room just gets hotter and hotter the longer they stay in there, Judy hates lunch times when she doesn’t go out to meet Jen. Today is one of those days because Jen’s working through her break with the mini team at her studio. She wishes she could channel her energy in these moments, her confidence and feistiness and her ‘take shit from no one’ attitude. Judy admires that _a lot_.

Instead she stands in the corner with two judging pairs of eyes on her, hiding behind Paul’s shadow.

“And what’re those standards?” Natalie asks.

“Um…” Judy shrugs, her mouth opening and closing like a Venus fly trap waiting for it’s pray.

“You must have a type, for example-“ Natalie elbows Tessa, “hers is tall, brunette, bad boy, _absolutely no_ facial hair, and he has to be older than her by a few years.”

“I’m sure you’ll find him someday.” Judy says, Jen would say she’s too kind, she tries to back out of the conversation then, busying herself with looking through her back for something that doesn’t exist.

“So go on Judy, what is your type?” Tessa asks, tilting her head in a way that seems patronising and sarcastic.

“Just someone with a kind heart I guess, someone who cares about the world and someone who isn’t afraid to be honest.” Judy says, biting on her lip once finishing. It feels like she’s going to cry, her throat is closing up and her eyes avoid Tessa and Natalie’s gazes.

“Aww!” Tessa nudges Natalie. “Sweet…”

“I’m sure _you’ll_ find that too some day.” Natalie says, the crinkles in her eyes as she tries to not laugh (she doesn’t try very hard) tells Judy it’s not honest, and she’s so thankful when Mathew comes to tell them that break is over and Judy’s needed on table 9.

While walking home after stepping off of her stop, she thinks about Tessa’s question. She’d slipped in in conversation with Jen on the way home, a simple ‘do you have a type…’ and Jen had just answered ‘not really, guys annoy me’ and Judy didn’t feel so alienated then. At least Jen isn’t the only one who doesn’t have a type or think about having boyfriends, well, a single boyfriend _obviously_. She’d been panicking all day thinking maybe she was different to everyone else, that’s why Tessa and Natalie didn’t want to be friendly with her like they are with the other new employees. Hearing Jen say she wasn’t into that made it okay.

It’s not that she hadn’t acknowledged before how disinterested she was in that type of thing, at school she never had a boyfriend unlike almost all the other girls in her year. Boys wouldn’t ask her out though and she probably would only say yes to be kind. Tessa and Natalie, and Paul because he likes guys as well, would often point out customers they fancied and Tessa would flirt with them _and_ would like it when they did it back. When guys talk to her that way, it’s not happened many times but she’d been complimented by a few of the older teenagers that come in to the restaurant, she hates it and it twists her stomach all the wrong ways. Maybe because all the male figures in her life have made her feel that way, like Andy. Maybe it’s because she lacks male figures in her life too, like her dad.

*

Judy’s been thinking about asking about him for a while now, she’d always wanted to but she’d never had the courage before and she didn’t want to hurt her mom by bringing up her non existent dad. All she knew about him was that he disappeared. She wanted to know what he was like, how him and her mom met, his _name_ even.

One night when her and her mom are both at home together, it’s a rare occasion, she decides to just ask. _What’s the worst that could happen?_ She finishes doing the dishes from the grilled cheeses Judy had made for dinner, her and her mom had actually eaten together and Eleanor didn’t look high or say anything cruel towards her so she figures now is the best time to ask.

Judy turns around, dries her hands on the towel and then walks to sit at the opposite end of the couch. Her mom flicks through the small tv, huffing and puffing at the options she sees. “Mom.”

Eleanor cocks her head.

Judy takes a deep, shuddering breath. “Can you tell me about, my dad?” She finishes, biting her lip once it’s out.

Eleanor’s eyes roll and the remote is thrown down on the table, the bang making Judy jump. “What about him? He’s a scum bag that’s all you need to know.”

Judy sighs, “what was his name, at least?”

“Johnny Evans. He worked in a café which I used to go to and it all started from there.”

Judy nods.

“Brunette. Big, expressive eyes like yours. He’d meet me after his shift and we’d go done the park, he was older so he’s buy the booze.” Eleanor shifts, uncomfortably. “We’d go to parties together and that’s when everything got worse.”

“How?” Judy asks. Something pings in Eleanor’s pocket and she takes out her phone, reading it with a deep sigh.

Eleanor shakes her head and stands up. “I’m going out.”

Judy’s mouth drops open, “wait I wanted-“

Something switches in her mom then, she visibly sees her eyes turn and her cheeks redden. She doesn’t understand what she did wrong, maybe she asked _too many questions._

“Yeah, _you_ wanted, it’s always about what you want isn’t it Judy!”

Judy shakes her head, “no I-“

“Fuck I can’t handle this, _you_ -I can’t handle you Judy you need to go.”

Judy stands, tears in her eyes and she wishes they weren’t there because her mom hates it when she acts ‘like a baby’. “Go?”

“Yes, right now.” Eleanor says, walking in to her room and back out with her purse, rummaging through the contents of it.

“But-“

“Judy just fucking go!”

Judy watches as she pulls out everything in her bag, then widens her eyes as she empties her bag on the table, earrings and lipstick tubes and everything else falling on the floor. Eleanor swings around and upon noticing she’s still stood there she pushes Judy back, “mom please…” Judy tries resisting but Eleanor’s stringer, her hands grip Judy’s wrists and push her towards the door.

“Get OUT!”

A slap rings out in the kitchen, Judy’s cheek stings as Eleanor walks back into her room to grab something else seemingly unfazed. Judy steps towards the door and opens it, leans against it as it closes behind her. She brings a hand up to her face that’s warm and now damp with tears as she walks. Her arms bump over in goose pimples, she doesn’t have a coat and if the dark clouds are anything to go by then Judy figures soon she’ll be looking like a drowned rat. She wishes she had somewhere to go, she’s got her wages stuffed in her pocket so she can at least get a cab or a subway somewhere, but _where_ is the question.

The only person she thinks of is Jen. But she doesn’t know where she lives. And it’d be strange to turn up at her house at almost midnight. She wishes Jen was here, she’d know what to do or say. Or she’d just give Judy a hug and crack a joke and everything would be okay. She takes the last running subway, making it just in time and sitting at their usual spot. No one else is on, and Judy wishes she could just stay there riding back and forth all night and watch the world flash by through the window. She doesn’t know what she’s doing but she gets off at the stop Jen does, the one before hers on the way home so Judy’s only sitting for about five minutes. She steps off and folds her arms in front of her, she walks up and out of the platform and into an estate. The houses here seem polished and clean, the bricks the perfect colour of light brown and matching with one another. Big gardens accompany most of them, the streetlight makes it light enough for Judy to just see the flowers dotted about, she stops to look at the rose bush to the right of her, carefully touching a petal and minding the thorns.

The further she walks the posher the houses get, she doesn’t know how long is been but her feet are getting tired. She looks around, spying a bus shelter on the opposite side of the road. Looking left and right, Judy jogs across the empty road, not a car or pedestrian in sight. She’s thankful for that, as she sits down beside the bench, curling up on the stone cold floor underneath the shelter and closing her eyes for the night.


	5. Too close to home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Almost Christmas!’ I have to say I’m loving all these Christmas fics recently so please keep them coming :) 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter, I have an idea to do a time jump (soon, but not too soon) to the ages Jen and Judy are on the show, what would you think? Any ideas? 
> 
> :) bye x

Her legs ache like hell after her morning stretch, her arms are no better and she struggles to lift her chair back to her desk after moving her mat. Samantha shouts her down for breakfast so she quickly rinses her face and heads downstairs, grabbing the buttered toast to eat while walking around the room looking for her phone.

“Have you left it in your room?” Fred asks, going about the morning in a rushed state, trying to tie his tie while grab his shoes at the same time.

“If I did I wouldn’t be looking down here…” Jen says sarcastically with a small grin, her dad rolls his eyes and heads back to the office with one shoe on and one shoe kicked under the kitchen table.

Samantha heads down the stairs then, holding the railing as a spell of dizziness rushes over her and then waving a hand when Fred looks as if he’s about to rush over. “Here…” Samantha reaches the bottom and outstretches her arm to Jen, the missing phone offered on her palm. 

Jen takes it with a sigh, “thanks,” and then puts it in her pocket, forgetting to check the time beforehand so she takes it out again shaking her head, “shit…”

“Language.”

Her parents voice ring out simultaneously, going half ignored to Jen as she quickly grabs a bottle of water and her bag. “I’m late….” She quickly moves around her parents, getting her coat on and slipping on her boots.

“Bye!”

“Have a good day honey,” Samantha shouts after her.

“You too.”

…

“For gods sakes…” Jen storms back through the door a few minutes later, rushing upstairs to get her purse which she’d forgotten she’s taken out of her dance bag last night, she’ll have to run for the subway at this rate.

“Okay, bye…again” She heads out of the door, slamming it a little too hard behind her as she strides out.

*

The birds chirp irritatingly as they fly around and reach wherever they’re heading within a matter of seconds, while Jen thuds her feet on the ground and tries to keep her quick pace up as she gets closer to the platform. It’s cold but she’s sweating, her cheeks burning as she practically jogs done the street against the bitter winds. There’s no sun this morning and it’s dim, foggy almost and she can only see a short distance in front of her.

Heading through the alleyway she checks her phone, half past 9. The trains due in 10 minutes and she’s probably about 20 away, she’ll never make it. It’s not that she’s all prim and proper about being on time and punctual because she’s missed and been late to dance before, especially Wednesdays when they’re doing tap first, her absolute _worst_ style. It’s more the fact that Judy will be on that train waiting in their usual spot.

Jen clicks her tongue against the roof of her mouth, making a ‘tut’ sound as she see’s another minute pass on her phone. Once out of the alleyway she runs across the road and waves to the elderly man in the car that slows down in front of her to allow her to cross. The bus shelter she’s coming up to tells her she’s about 10 minutes away, 6 if she runs. She quickens her pace again, it’s hard to do with the weight of her doc martens but she hurries on anyway, swinging her arm that isn’t weighed down with her bag for extra acceleration (if it even does anything, it doesn’t seem to make a difference to her, just makes her feel like a strange sort of penguin).

As she approaches the bus shelter, she see’s a bundle on the floor. Her mom’s warned her about homeless people, especially ones around this area who feign sleep but then jump up and mug pedestrians, there’s been about 12 cases of it reported in the last 2 months. In fact, their next door neighbour got mugged around here a couple of weeks ago, not that he had anything overly expensive to take except a few dollars in his wallet. That’s why Jen’s parents are overprotective when she walks on her own at night, it’d taken weeks of convincing before they’d eventually agreed to her riding the subway alone.

Jen reaches inside her pocket for her keys, the sharp end held between her thumb and index in a fist just in case. The bundle is indeed a person, but they’re small and don’t look like the drunken men she’d seen around here before. Brown wavy hair peaks out from the top, and Jen feels a rush of uncomfortable heat pass through her because, _it can’t be_. She doesn’t even have a sleeping bag, her head rests on her own hair as a padding of some sort between the concrete and her head. Jen slowly her pace, coming to a stop behind the shelter. The drawing on the girls hand is what does it for her, a small crescent moon on her wrist and two stars.

Jen’s heart practically breaks. She doesn’t know what to do, or say. Judy is sleeping on the street, does she sleep out here all the time? Where’s her mom? Had they fought? She’ll be cold, she might not have eaten anything and now Jen wishes she’d packed one of her breakfast bars in her pocket like she usually does, Judy could’ve had it.

She realises she’s not even woken Judy up, instead she’s stood over her like a _fucking predator, well done Jen._ Jen crouches down beside Judy’s figure, she doesn’t want to scare her but she’s also sleeping, so shouting her name would be an awful way of waking up.

“Judy.” Jen whispers, leaning forward so her breath practically blows over Judy’s face. In sleep she’s frowning, a crease between her forehead that Jen finds herself having the urge to smooth away.

“Judy,” a little louder this time. Jen leans backwards, sitting on her knees, before bringing a hand to Judy’s face to move a lock of her from her face. That gets her stirring, and she see’s the sleep leave her body as Judy opens her eyes, they’re glazed over and squinting up at her as Judy says “Jen,” in a way that makes Jen want to bundle her up in her arms forever and never let her go. Never let anyone hurt her. There’s a familiarity with the softness, the tugs of Judy’s cheeks as they pull back in a smile just for her.

“Hey…” Jen says back, a hand resting on Judy’s shoulder.

A confused look appears on Judy’s face then, and she pushes herself up into a sitting position quickly. Panicked almost.

“What-I, um…” Judy shifts backwards, the walls visibly building around her as she tugs her legs into herself, hugging them with her arms.

“Jude it’s okay.”

Judy just shakes her head, not meeting Jen’s eyes.

“Judy,” Jen reaches out for her again and Judy just starts to cry. All Jen can do is wrap her up in her arms, she hopes they warm Judy up a little because she’s freezing. She can feel her icy cold cheek through the thickness of her turtle neck jumper as Judy buries her face in the crook of Jen’s neck. The wind picks up around them but neither of them move from the position they’re in, Jen’s definitely late now but she’s not leaving Judy, not for anything. Judy’s still in her arms except for the sound of sniffling as she tries to catch her breath, her body tensed with every sob.

“Come home with me.” Jen says then into Judy’s hair.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“You’re too nice to me, I need to go home and, _god_ I’m supposed to be working today and-“

“Stop,” Jen pulls back just enough to put her hands on Judy’s shoulders and look her in the eyes, “just, _come_ , please, we’ll work everything else out after but for now just come with me so we can get a warm drink inside of you.” Jen says, the concern evident in her voice as she internally wills Judy to say yes.

Breathing a sigh of relief when Judy nods, Jen quickly gets to work on helping Judy stand and then hooking her arm around Judy’s waist as she steers her in the right direction. Judy’s legs are numb from sleeping on the ground so she walks a little unsteadily beside Jen, she holds her up. Its cold as they walk home and the cars that zoom past are a blur. Jen keeps an arm around Judy, nodding her head every now and then to show Judy the direction of home. Hopefully her mom and dad will be out by now but even if they’re not Jen doesn’t care, she needs to help Judy and that’s that.

All that’s running through her head as Jen helps her through the gate and up the front steps is _how did I get so lucky to have met this...person_ and _how is she still here_. Jen had seen Judy _literally_ at rock bottom, camped out like a piece of litter under a bus stop and here she was inviting her into her home. Judy can’t speak, the warmth hits her like a welcome home hug as she heads inside, Jen’s arms help guide her coat from her shoulders which she hangs up next to the others on the hooks beside the door. Her heart swells at that even, _her coat_ just there, snug tightly next to Jens’ and her parents’. Jen leads her further inside and tells her to sit down, pointing to the most _lush_ couch Judy’s seen only in display store windows before. She moves to sit cautiously, hovering over the seat, hesitant to crease the fabric with her weight. Hands rest on her knees as she leans forward awkwardly.

Jen walks about the kitchen, grabbing bits every now and then in the cupboards. Her dining table alone is as big as Judy’s whole bedroom, there’s room for at least 8 people and Judy thinks about thanksgiving or Christmas meals and the table being trimmed up with fancy napkins and cutlery with family sat around, talking and sharing company. So different to her own Christmases, spent walking the streets if it snows or in her room, mostly alone.

Jen walks towards her with her arms full and Judy stands quickly to help unload the tray of food Jen’s prepared, along with a cup of coffee and a blanket. “My mom never lets me eat here, but I’m making an exception for you.” Jen says as she hands her a mug , with ‘Jen’ on it in pink cursive writing.

“I can move to the table?” Judy says, “it’s kind enough to invite me here, I couldn’t live with myself if I got this couch dirty or spilt-“

“Jude, just eat your porridge, it’s honey flavoured…” Jen puts the bowl in her hand and rests the tray on her knee for extra coverage. Jen would clean it out anyway if anything spilled, she’s replace the whole couch if it meant Judy wouldn’t get into trouble. “I made it so it’s probably disgusting, I mean it looks it…” Jen takes the spoon and stirs it a little, Judy smiles a little when she lifts up the spoon and a big dollop of it drops sloppily back in the bowl.

“It’ll be lovely _.”_

“You’re too nice.” Jen sits beside her and flicks the tv on.

“ _You’re_ too nice.” Judy says, receiving a fond eye roll in return. She spoons a mouthful in and it’s kinda chewy and probably not fully cooked but she’d never admit that to Jen, “mmm, just what I needed.”

Jen grins and leans back into the couch, switching over the channel to some cartoon they put on it mornings, it’s not as if _the news_ is anymore interesting. Tv is boring at this time anyways. They sit in a somewhat comfortable silence while Judy eats, well except from the quiet voices from the tv. Judy can feel Jen fidgeting beside her, eyes lingering on her that quickly avert back to the tv as if snapping herself out of whatever trance she was tuck in.

Judy knows their friendship will probably end here, who wants to be friends with _someone like her_ , without a real house like Jen’s and a real mom or dad like Jen’s. No one could blame her. Judy doesn’t blame her. She can’t tell her what her mom’s really like, social services could get involved and Judy or her mom could get taken away. Judy knows some secrets are better hidden, the ones between her and her mom only grow bigger and more dangerous, adding petrol to the flames between them. Maybe one day it’ll explode, catching Judy as collateral damage. No matter what her mom does though, it’s always her fault, _she’d been the one to ask about her dad._ She _knew_ talking about him would end like this yet she asked and pushed for answers anyway, _selfish._

“Whatcha thinking?” Jen asks then, and Judy’s pulled back from her thoughts. She better make the most of that friendship, _she thinks_.

“Um…” she swallows, placing the warm mug of coffee back onto the table. “Just, this coffee, it’s really sweet, I love it!” She smiles forcefully and prays Jen doesn’t notice.

“Oh it’s caramel flavoured, I hoped you’d like it.” Jen says, and if Judy wasn’t trying to hide tears filling in her eyes then she’d have sworn that Jen was blushing at the compliment. The almost shy smile Jen wears makes Judy’s smile real, and once again she makes everything okay.

_Well, almost._

“You can take a shower if you like? I bet you’re freezing after...ya know being _there_ all night.” Jen says once Judy’s finished with her porridge which she managed to finish.

Judy nods her head, “thanks,” and then follows Jen upstairs to the bathroom where Jen shows her where everything is and grabs her a towel for after, one for her hair too.

While Judy showers Jen gets her some clothes out, Judy’s basically the same size as her yet smaller, so Jen looks in her drawers for a simple t shirt and jeans. She pauses at her underwear drawer but shakes her head and grabs some out anyway, Judy’s bra is on a pile in the landing with her other clothes so she takes it from the top and lays it beside the fresh clothing folded on the bed ready for her to change into. Jen heard the shower turn off so she goes to wait downstairs while Judy changes in her room, she phones her studio too and tells them that she won’t be in today because of a family emergency, later regretting her choice of words because they’ll definitely assume it’s about her mom.

Judy quickly walks across the landing to Jen’s bedroom not wanting to leave wet footprints on the carpet, taking her clothes as she goes to leave folded up into the smallest pile at the bottom of Jen’s bed. Jen’s room is as she’d expected, _not that she’d been thinking about what Jen’s bedroom looks like because that would be weird,_ there are few accessories and the colours are muted, there are a few photo’s and frames Judy see’s and can’t help but look at. One with Jen at her first competition it looks like, a tiny blonde with a fringe stood on stage accepting a trophy that’s taller than Jen herself. One with her and Rosie at the beach, wind blowing Jen’s hair from her face while she wears a toothy grin. Judy dries herself with the fluffy towel as she visually explores every inch of Jen’s room, that’s like a castle’s quarters compared to her tiny box room. Her heart flutters at the neat pile of clothing Jen’s left out for her, they smell just like Jen even when on Judy and she traces the pattern of the cherry in the left corner of the white t-shirt as she looks in the mirror.

Judy joins Jen after tidying the bathroom towels up, Jen smiles as she walks in the living room with her hair wet and dripping on her t shirt, leaving darker, transparent spots.

“I can plait it for you if you’d like?” Jen offers as Judy joins her on the couch.

“Would you?”

Jen laughs, shaking her head. “You know, there’s this thing you do, I ask you a question and you reply with another…” She tells her, an amused look in her eye that almost makes Judy squirm under her watchful gaze.

“Do I?” Judy says, rolling her eyes at herself once she realised she’d just confirmed _exactly that._

“Here…” Jen pays the spot in front of her on the couch and kneels. Judy scoots in between Jen’s legs, leaning back on her as long fingers comb through her wet hair gently. The sensation causes Judy’s eyes to close and she leans into Jen’s gentle hands. Jen splits her hair into two parts down the middle, moving her bangs to the front of her hair and catching her now cold fingers on Judy’s forehead. Their eyes meet up close and silently grin at one another. Jen leans back around and uses a tie from her wrist to hold Judy’s hair in place while she works on the left side first. She tries not to pull and whenever there’s a knot she gently eases it out while holding the other two strands, with her own she’d either give up there and then, or rag a brush through her hair until tears formed in her eyes.

Judy could sit forever and let Jen do her hair, the only sound being Jen’s soft breaths on her neck and an occasional curse when it wasn’t going right. Though, the silence let’s Judy’s mind run anyway with itself, she’ll have to go home eventually, hopefully her mom will have calmed down by now or even better she won’t be there at all. These days Judy prefers it when she isn’t there. Yet that thought makes this so much worse because it’s her _mother_ and she shouldn’t have _thoughts like that_. Eleanor had stayed with her, they’ve only got each other; except now she kinda has Jen. It makes her realise that having Eleanor isn’t better than not having her at all, it’s toxic and Judy knows it. Normal parents don’t treat children like Eleanor does, Jen’s parents don’t, she vows to never treat her own children like it either.

She longs to tell Jen everything, about what her mom _does_ for a living and what she does to her when that ‘living’ is disrupted, about why she couldn’t ask Fred to drop her off right outside of home instead of down the street. She wishes she had the guts to. Frankly, she doesn’t have any room left for rejection, even if she 99% feels that Jen wouldn’t anyway.

“So, I have nothing to do today so I was thinking we could spend the day here together? I don’t think it’s a good idea to go to work…” Jen says hesitantly once finished wrapping the band around the bottom of the last braid. She flicks the pigtails to the front of Judy’s shoulders, the plaits falling just on her collar bone.

Judy’s eyes widen, she’d _completely_ forgotten about work. “I’ve never missed work before, do you think they’ll fire me?”

“No! No way, it’s one day, I’ll call them for you even, I’ll tell them your sick.”

Judy nods. “Okay, thank you.”

Jen shrugs, “no big deal.” She’s about to reach for her phone and ask for the number but she pauses, leaning back into the couch. “Judy,” she sighs, “how come you slept out there last night?” Once she’s said it she can’t exactly take it back, she’d been wanting to ask since this morning but she’d contained her concern for as long as she could. But she couldn’t _not_ ask, because Judy may be in trouble or in danger. She’d never forgive herself if something happened to her friend and she never avoided asking questions because she was too much of a coward. Jen braces herself for denial, she doesn’t know whether she’ll accept it and change the subject or push Judy, gently, for answers.

Judy shakes her head and averts her eyes, the floor seemingly interesting. Her palms are clammy and she runs them against her- Jen’s-jeans. It’s not as if she wasn’t expecting this, the promise of giving an explanation at some point had ghosted around her since Jen had found her, only blindsided by Jen’s kindness and warmth. A hand is placed on her knee then and Jen gives her a gentle squeeze. She _wants_ to tell her, _so badly_. She just can’t find the words.

“Can we go somewhere?” Judy asks quietly then, looking up at Jen in anticipation.

“Um…”

“I’ll explain everything when I show you.” Judy says.

Jen frowns in confusion but nods slowly anyway, “alright.”

*

They hold hands as they walk down the street together, Jen recognises it from the night of her dance recital but Judy keeps walking past the spot they dropped her, it’s a dead-end street so Jen figured it must be one of these houses where Judy lives. Judy’s a little in front of her, guiding her by the hand while Jen strolls behind and takes in her surroundings. It’s a lot different to where she lives, it’s a cul-de-sac for one, and the roads are narrow and have pot holes. It’s a fairly quiet neighbourhood Jen thinks, until a couple come out of one of the houses and the woman throws a beer bottle at the guy which smashes up against the car parked outside. Judy’s hand tenses in her own and she quickens her step.

Jen’s a little confused once they reach the end of the street and Judy’s not tugged her into any of the houses yet, but she keeps her mouth firmly shut and keeps walking. She’s pulled to a stop then and points at the small trailer style van Jen hadn’t noticed.

“This is where I live.” Judy says with a shrug.

“Here?” Jen doesn’t mean it to sound as judgmental as it comes out, she’s just shocked, she’s never met anyone that lives in a trailer before, she’d never seen one up close even, she thought elderly couples travelled in them or pop stars camp out in them while gigging, she didn’t ever envision actually calling one a ‘home’.

“Yep.” Judy nods, kicking her feet up against the ground. “It’s nothing like your home, but it’s all we have.”

Jen nods. The tension radiating from Judy back in the car that night makes sense now, she clearly didn’t want any of them to see where she really lived because she was embarrassed, maybe even ashamed. Jen doesn’t want her to feel that way however she can’t school her shock when she see’s how small the trailer is inside, there’s barely enough room to turn around. Judy’s bedroom is tiny, it’s more like their bathroom at home than a bedroom, but the Judy-like touches; the flowery bedding, the drawings pinned on the ceiling and the walls, make Jen feel at ease.

She sits on the bed beside Judy. “It doesn’t change anything, I still wanna be your friend because, well…I like being your friend.” Jen says, cheeks blushing.

A smile breaks out on Judy’s face so it’s worth crumbling her walls of ‘no emotion’ for a minute, even though she’s quite consciously aware that those fell down like tons of bricks the second she met Judy. “I like being your friend too.” Judy says back and that does it for her, Jen reaches over and pulls her into a hug, her chin finds a comfortable position on Judy’s shoulder and leans in.

It’s a few minutes before a door slams and Judy pulls back as if on fire and Jen was a metal rod . Jen frowns, figuring Judy’s mom must be home. “Are you okay?”

Judy shakes her head a little, eyes tearing up and hands running up and down her jeans nervously. “Come on, let’s go out.”

Jen shrugs confused, “okay but w-“

“Judy!”

Judy puts a finger over Jen’s lips, worried eyes meeting hers in a silent plea to stay quiet. She holds her hand out, gesturing for Jen to stay still and then she walks out of her room and closes the bedroom door behind her. Jen watches through the door slits, pressing her forehead to the wood.

A mans voice sounds then, muffled through the door but Jen hears as much as “…little runt where is she…El fuck, where is it-“

“Mom?” Judy’s usually familiar voice sounds not so familiar with the wavering, Jen notes her lip worried. She’d never met Judy’s mom before and it seems as though Judy doesn’t want her to.

“Where’s the money Judy? I left it right here…”

“I don’t know I’ve not seen any-“

Jen gasps as Judy lets out an ‘ow!’ And it takes everything in her not to go out there because Judy told her not to.

“Mom please I don’t know what money you’re talking about…” Judy pleads, trying to wrangle out of her mothers grip.

“Eleanor you said you had it for fucks sake!”

“This little cunt has probably taken it Ty I swear I did have it-“

Judy gasps as Tyler-Judy’s seen him before a couple of times and he’d installed their shower for them when they’d first moved into the trailer-whips his hand across Eleanor’s cheek, a slap ringing out along with a yell.

Jen shakes her head, _she can’t stay here while Judy’s out there alone,_ she pulls the door open, struggles because it’s cut too far down to the carpet so it scrapes lines along the cream coloured floor. She heads out into the kitchen, and places herself in front of Judy who widens her eyes in fear and tries pulling her back.

“Jen-“

“Who are these people?” Jen asks and doesn’t wait for an answer before turning and holding her phone up, “you need to go right now before I call the police.”

Judy’s heart hammers in her chests as Tyler laughs and shakes his head, teeth practically snarling at Jen. “Fuck El who is this?” He walks towards Jen and towers over her, “you are calling no one…”

“Judy just get her the fuck out-“

Judy shakes her head at her mom, tears threatening to spill but she holds them back with all her might. “Jen, please,” She meets the blonde’s eyes, and shakes her head stiffly again.

“Fuck this.” Tyler slams his hand against the kitchen counter without flinching. “I’m outta here.” He says, pausing a second before heading towards the tv, Eleanor tries to stop him as he rips the tv out from its wires and heads out with it under his arms. “This is only half of what you owe me. I’ll be back.”

Eleanor sticks her middle finger up at him as he heads down the outdoor steps, “fuck you!”

Judy takes a hold of Jen’s hand in a silent ‘thank you’, pulling her behind herself as she faces her mom. She’s dishevelled, but not from the raving winds, as she comes back inside and slams the door shut, there’s a redness appearing on her cheek and her eyes are bloodshot. If Judy were to guess that her mom owes Tyler money for drugs, she’d be right on it. It’s not the first time her mom had failed to pay one of her ‘friends’ back, it’s the first time anyone’s been psychical about it though so Judy can only imagine how much money she owes back.

Eleanor scoffs at Judy and Jen, and heads towards the bathroom where she slams the door shut. Jen turns around to Judy who’s still shaking, “Jude…” she steps forward and holds her arms out in offering and Judy shakes her head stepping away from her advance. Jen tilts her head sympathetically and lets her arms fall back to her sides.

“Can we spend the day together another day?” Judy asks then, looking back at the bathroom and then to Jen again with tired eyes, the light in them seemingly dimmer.

“Sure.” Jen says, about to step forward again but then thinking better of it. “I’ll just head home, I remember the way to the station.”

Judy nods, biting at her cheek to stop herself from asking her to stay.

“Bye Jude.” Jen pulls her bottom lip between her top one to somewhat smile at Judy on her way out.

“Bye Jen.” Judy shuts the door behind her and breaks out in tears once she’s out of view, collapsing on the door and sliding down it as she cries. She hits the floor with a thump and buries her head in her arms, which hug her legs tightly, tears soaking Jen’s jeans like waterfalls. 


	6. Strawberry kisses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy, how is everyone? 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter, I wanted to bring Ted and Lorna in as a little ‘link to the future’, but obviously it’ll always be about Jen and Judy. 
> 
> Also the time jump is coming soon, after one more thing I want to add in the next chapter hehe.  
> :)

Judy braces herself for whatever version of her mother lurks behind the doors, she’s almost praying that it’s an absent one so she can collect her thoughts into a hearted apology, after spending the day with Jen she doesn’t want to cause another argument by delivering a somewhat ‘lazy’ apology to her mom but right now she doesn’t think she’ll be able to summon up the strength to give her an honest one.

Walking into the trailer, she blindly reaches out for the light switch, tripping up over the front door mat that’s curled under the door. The door shuts and it falls back to the floor, Judy wipes her feet on it before stepping in further and listening, the shower’s running so she heads to her room quickly. She hates avoiding problems and here she is hiding in her room, probably until morning, from her own mother. The shower turns off a few moments later and she hears a curse word yelled and a bang, she quickly shuts her bedroom door and sinks into her bed. Her art supplies are scattered over the bottom of the bed from the other day where she’d left them and she thinks about painting to take her mind off everything but as soon as she flips to a clean page in her sketchbook and gets a pencil in her hand, she throws the pad back onto the bed and flops backwards with a huff. She doesn’t feel like painting right now.

Judy’s mind is whirring, thoughts of Jen and whether she got home alright and if she’s scared by what she saw. _Who wouldn’t be?_ The way Tyler had towered over her friend had sent her into a suffocating panic, he could’ve done anything to her, could have hit her like he did her mom. Jen was the one standing in front of Judy, protecting her from her own home and mother. Judy would’ve never forgiven herself if he’d had laid a finger on her, it was too close to happening.

Judy feels a little guilty for thinking that the worst part is that she sent Jen home, they were going to spend the day together, perhaps they’d have gone to the park again or the lake. Jen had been so kind, taking her in and feeding her breakfast and all she wanted was to spend a day off with Judy. She’d ruined that.

It’s started to lightly rain outside, the droplets of water on the bedroom window race down the glass, colliding into each other or dropping quickly to the bottom. Judy sighs, leaning her forehead on the window as she goes to reach for her sketch pad again. She’ll draw for Jen, as an apology or even a start of a way to make it up to her. She considers drawing a landscape, maybe of the lake they’d gone too that night, with a patch of stars at the top half of the page, but she thinks Jen might find it a bit boring. Her face lights up with an idea and she reaches for her watercolours and gets to work.

*

Jen arrives home after taking the subway with a longing in her chest and an anger bubbling away inside, at herself for not insisting that she would stay with Judy, _what sort of friend leaves the other in need,_ at Judy for asking her to go, even though she knows it’s not her fault, at this Tyler guy being a complete dick but most of all at Judy’s mother, who while all this was going on stood there with her arms folded and a distant look in her eye, not caring in the slightest that her daughter was standing beside her practically shaking in her shoes.

  
Jen decides dancing is the best way to take her mind off of it all, but she just ends up imagining how Judy’s doing the whole time and she can’t concentrate even on the simple stretches. She crosses her legs, sat on the floor and flexes her feet, pulling them until they stretch in all the right places. Judy had looked so sad when she’d left, the bright eyes she usually looks at her with were dim, timid and ashamed. Jen wishes Eleanor was a real mom, one that would take care of Judy and one that would _generally_ just _care_ , because after what she saw she doesn’t think Eleanor really does. Especially while on whatever she’s shooting up her nose or in her arms, deep down Jen thinks Judy knows that she doesn’t either. 

She wonders why Judy would keep living there, why she wouldn’t seek help or stay with- _oh._ That’s when it hits her. There is no one else. Just Eleanor with her clouded eyes and cruel tempers, but that’s all Judy has.

Samantha arrives home from her book club, she’s only been going two weeks and has about five new best friends-Jen would be jealous about how quickly she made friends if she was bothered about that type of stuff-already, and comes up to her studio to ask if she wants a glass of water and a snack. Jen almost feels guilty for saying yes, because Judy doesn’t have no one to offer her that and now Jen’s practically reevaluating everything about her relationship with her parents, whether she takes advantage or takes them for granted. She’s always been comfortable, they could afford holidays and Christmas presents, and sometimes Jen had hated going on holidays with just her parents because for one, the heat was unbearable, but mostly because she thought once you hit 15 it’s lame to be seen on a beach or at a (kid friendly) bar with her parents. She bets Judy’s never been on holiday.

“Thanks mom.” Jen says, sitting down at the kitchen table in front of a plate of cheese, crackers and small fruit slices; apples and a few pieces of watermelon.

Samantha just shrugs and sits beside her, her own larger bowl of watermelon; it helps with the mouth ulcers she gets from chemotherapy, placed in front of her.

“Did you enjoy your book club?” Jen asks around a piece of apple, it’s sour and and resists the urge to pull a face.

“Mhm.” Samantha responds, waiting to swallow the piece of watermelon before adding “we’re reading Michelle Obama’s autobiography, very empowering.” Her face changes then, frowning before asking “wait, it’s dance day right? Why aren’t you there?”

“Oh um,” Her mom would hate being lied to, and despite being a good actress (musical theatre helps) she _can’t_ do white lies to save her life, her eyes widen and her cheeks turn red instantly. And she always tries to divert the subject but it never works so she gets flustered. But it’s Judy and she’s afraid of what her mom might say, but then she remembers how she’d always convince Jen to try and help out at the youth shelter with her (Jen always was ‘busy’) and she thinks maybe telling her would be beneficial for Judy. _But,_ then it’d be basically betraying her she thinks. “I missed the subway, there must have been an accident or something.” She goes with, standing up to grab a glass of juice so her mom doesn’t look at her face.

“Oh really, well you could have asked someone to pick you up.”

“Like who?” Jen pulls a face.

“Your friends, grandma.”

“No thanks, anyway I had headache this morning anyways, didn’t really feel like going.” It’s not a lie, she was feeling shitty this morning.

Samantha just shrugs and goes back to her watermelon chunks, reading through the newspaper left on the kitchen table.

Once finished with her lunch she heads upstairs, she has time to finish that application she started a few days ago for college so she sits in the office room and searches up ‘tips for personal statement’ on the computer. It takes her ages to find things to say about herself, she’s good at dancing that’s about it. Judy says she’s confident, that must be a plus so she adds that on there too,

**I am a confident young woman-**

She erases the last two words because it sounds lame.

**I am a confident person,**

Better:

**I am a confident person, who can communicate effectively and work well independently as well as with others.**

She hates working with others, but she supposes group dances are decent.

It takes her a while to finish it, searching up alternate words for ‘dance’ and ‘determination’ because those two words take up half the word count. Finally, once she’s added her predicted grades and achievements, she clicks send on the page and sits back in her seat, half relieved that finally _it’s done_ but also anxious because if that isn’t successful then she doesn’t know that she’ll do.

*

They don’t talk about that day much, and everything basically goes back to normal. Except from the humble apology and beautiful painting Judy gives her, that certainly wasn’t needed as Jen had told her, they don’t mention that day anymore at all. Jen finds it weird that Judy just brushes it aside, and as a friend she’d obviously be there for Judy, to listen, but it seems she just wants to forget so Jen goes along with it. Whenever there’s silence between them she’s tempted to ask how things are at home, or ask if Tyler has been back and if Judy okay, but Judy always manages to dissipate the silence with another conversation starter or a question of her own, so Jen tries to ignore the unease.

It’s Friday when Jen asks Judy to a party that Saturday night, one of her dance friends Natalie is throwing it because her parents are out of town and it’s her birthday on Sunday. Jen’s been to the parties before and they’re fine if all you wanna do is get drunk, and yes she has gone completely for that purpose before, but it’s mainly full of girls and guys making out on couches and on top of work surfaces, and awful dancing to house music. Jen figures it’ll be bearable with Judy there, and it couldn’t hurt to go for a couple hours and then head back to Jen’s. She’s invited her to the house before the party to change and have dinner with them, Judy’s hesitant to say yes but eventually agrees, a million ‘thank you’s’ along with the ‘okay’.

Before work that Friday morning, Judy tells her mom she won’t be back until Sunday afternoon, Jen’s insisted she sleeps at her house after the party. Eleanor pulls a face and shrugs her shoulders, a small ‘whatever’ mumbled before surfing the fridge for a bottle. There’s none so she slams it shut with a curse.

“Hey, wait a second.” Eleanor says before Judy’s about to head in the shower. She stands still holding her towel in her arms, squeezing it like a life jacket in the middle of the ocean.

“Yeah?” It comes out almost like a squeak, she clears her throat.

“I need a favour.” Eleanor tells her, stepping closer with eyes that pierce through Judy’s. “I’ve still not forgiven you for bringing that _girl_ back here while Ty was here.”

Judy swallows, the lump in her throat doesn’t budge and she feels her eyes start to well up, she grips the towel to stop herself. She doesn’t speak, it’s best not to do she waits for her mom to finish.

“I need you to do something for me.” Eleanor cracks her knuckles, now pacing the small kitchen area.

“Like what?” Judy asks timidly.

Eleanor shakes her head, tapping her chin in thought, “Sunday, when you get home I’ll tell you, whatever you do you cannot tell anyone.”

“Okay.”

“ _Anyone_ Judy I swear or else-“ She stops herself, forcing a smile back on her face. “This will make up for the other day alright?”

Judy nods slowly. “Am I okay to go shower now? I’ll be late if I don’t.”

Eleanor nods, smile stretching, breaking her face. “Have a good day.”

Judy smiles back, “you too.”

It’s not real, any of it. When Judy turns on the shower Eleanor digs her phone out of her bag and taps a message to Gary, named in her phone as ‘G’ and tells him **‘we’re on’** with a satisfied smile. She rummages through the cupboards this time, finding a bottle of vodka with about a third of liquid left inside, mouthing a relieved ‘yes’ as she opens the bottle and swallows the jackpot.

*

They head to Jen’s after a day of dance and work making it inside just before it starts pouring with rain, Fred’s car isn’t parked outside and when Judy asks Jen says her parents are out for the evening at Lynns, and they’ll be back later on tonight. Judy’s in awe of Jen’s house even the second time she steps through the door, and she’s careful to leave her shoes in the correct place on the door mat, even waiting behind to move Jen’s over beside hers when she kicks them off. Rosie greets her this time as she comes in, tail wagging rapidly from side to side as Judy strokes under her chin.

“Here I’ll take your bag upstairs.” Jen holds her hand out and takes Judy’s rucksack, jogging up the stairs after telling Judy she’ll ‘be right back’.

Judy walks further into the kitchen and she’s hit with a sense of familiarity and warmth in turn as she takes a seat on the couch. Rosie jumps on beside her and paws at her leg, begging to be fussed again and Judy complies happily.

“Okay, so…” Jen strolls through the door with a smile, “drink?”

“Sure.” Judy nods, standing up to help.

“Hot or cold?”

“Cold.”

Jen goes to the fridge, “orange juice, water, strawberry flavoured water or Dr Pepper?”

Judy would be happy with tap water, her eyes widen at how full Jen’s fridge is and she just asks for whichever, then points to the orange juice when Jen asks again with an eye roll.

“Do you want to watch a movie? We could order pizza too the party doesn’t start until 9 so we have a few hours.” Jen asks, carrying both hers and Judy’s drinks to the table to set them down on top of a coaster. They sit down side by side on the couch, Jen in the middle of Judy and Rosie, who takes up the full right side of the couch when she lies down.

“Alright. Thanks.” Judy smiles, taking a sip of her juice and clacking her lips together at the strong zing.

“You don’t have to keep saying thanks by the way.” Jen adds with a smirk as she reaches for the landline balanced on the other arm chair.

Judy mouths an ‘okay’ as Jen dials the number to the pizza place, ordering a margarita for Judy and a pepperoni for herself and fries to share between them, it’s the kind of unhealthy that’s perfect before a party. At least if they do drink, Jen doesn’t know if Judy will, she doesn’t strike her as a ‘drinker’ type at a high school party but just in case, at least they won’t be drinking on empty stomachs. Hopefully they don’t end up spewing dough cheese and tomato sauce up either.

“Right, what movie?” Jen asks, heaving a box out from the ottoman in the corner that’s full of DVD’s. Jen flicks through some herself, reading the titles out to Judy.

“You choose.”

Jen sighs, of course she’d say that. “Pick a number between 1 and….40” she guesses the maximum, they probably have about that much, more upstairs in Jen’s room.

“14.”

Jen counts her finger along the top of the covers until the reaches the fourteenth one, “Parent Trap.”

“Is that okay?” Judy asks, helping move the box back inside the ottoman with Jen.

“Course.” Jen says. She slots the disc into the DVD player and switches the tv onto the correct option and presses play once the movie comes onto the screen. Jen goes back to sit down quickly and she stretches her legs out on the coffee table in front of her, carefully minding the glasses. Judy sits cross legged beside her and rests her linked hands on her ankles, eyes fixated on the screen. Jen leans into Judy’s shoulder unconsciously, they’re squished together as it is because of Rosie’s stretched out legs but neither seem to notice that halfway through the movie they’ve practically moulded into one, Judy’s hands now rest on Jen’s knee, her legs folded to the side as she leans against her.

Jen finds out that Judy’s a very…active movie watcher, she giggles at the slightest thing and full on belly laughs at the typical comedy bits. Her eyes tear up when the parents are reunited at the end, and Jen fights the urge to laugh because she’s never met anyone that gets that invested in movies. Then, while the credits role and she finishes off her pizza- it was delivered halfway through the movie and made both of them jump with the loud bang on the door- Jen thinks about the reason why Judy gets so involved in a fantasy world, and then finds it endearing and heart breaking at the same time.

Judy finds herself trying on a million and one different outfits as Jen dresses her for the party, an excitement bubbling inside of her mixed with a little anticipation at the thought of attending her very first ‘high school’ party, she’s sure that feeling will only increase as it gets closer to 9. Jen’s apparent eye for fashion distracts her though, and she switches t shirt for crop top, jeans for skirt as she tries to find one that will suit Judy. Well, look ‘freaking amazing’ on Judy, as she’d said once they’d finished pizza and headed upstairs to finally start getting ready.

It’s dark outside already, and Jen factors that in but remembers that they’re getting an Uber there and back so they don’t really need coats. Jen’s bedroom looks like an explosion of clothes, shoes and accessories and they’ll have to tidy them up so they can actually sleep tonight, but Judy’s never been happier to be amongst all this mess and _chaos_ because Jen’s enjoying herself which means she is to, and getting so witness this side of Jen, the one that’s open and passionate and joking, is an honour. It’s why Judy doesn’t mind changing in front of Jen, she’s stripped down in her underwear while Jen finds a jumpsuit outfit for her and she feels safer than ever even while almost naked in Jen’s bedroom.

“Finally, here try this on.” Jen holds out a long length jumpsuit, it’s yellow and has frill along the top and white daisies dotted around. It’s not Jen’s usual type of outfit but then Jen says “it used to be my moms, I hope you don’t mind” and again the sense of honour returns, Jen’s giving her something her own mother used to wear and go out to dinner parties and meals and business evenings, and Judy feels a sense of pride as Jen tugs her over to the full length mirror.

“I love it.” Judy says, running her hand down the smooth and comfy material.

“Is this the one?” Jen asks, coming to stand behind Judy and look over her shoulder, easily because she’s taller.

Judy nods. “You’re mom has great taste, I bet she looks beautiful in it.”

Jen mirrors her smile, “yeah, she’ll be glad to see you wearing it though since it hasn’t been worn in a while.” Jen snaps a picture of Judy on her phone, telling her to ‘say cheese’ and then goes to get her own outfit. She decides on black jeans, an over the shoulder red puff sleeve style top with a black blazer to go over the top. She finds Judy a white cardigan to go with her outfit, knowing for a fact she’ll get cold and then they make there way downstairs after tidying up the scattered clothes.

Rosie’s already asleep on her bed, and after quickly tidying up the pizza boxes and glasses that were left out Jen wraps Rosie in a blanket, Judy pouts and gets down on the floor to say goodbye. Jen grabs money for the cab and then they’re heading out once it pulls up outside, Jen shouting a “be good Rose” before leaving and locking the door behind them checking it twice. She stuffs the keys inside of her bra shrugging at Judy who quirks her eyebrow in response.

The drive doesn’t take long and the roads are fairly empty, the cab driver refrains from making small talk with them which Jen is happy about, and Judy just sits with a tight lipped smile and her hands tucked under her legs, Jen knew she’d be cold. When they arrive Jen helps Judy out of the car with a hand, and doesn’t let go even as she pays the driver and walks up the steps to Natalie’s house. Music booms loudly from the house and it looks pretty full, it’s big enough to hold that many people though and there’s a huge garden on the back to accommodate.

Judy feels a little overwhelmed as they walk through the door, without knocking, and she sticks close by Jen as she says they should try find Natalie first to at least say hi. There’s small bubbles of people everywhere that seems to mesh into one in the living room where the couch and the tv are pushed back to create a sort of dance floor. Everyone’s holding drinks and talking with one another and Judy looks around at all the little groups she can distinguish, the girly girls whore all wearing almost the same shirt skirt and crop top, the guys who’re playing bear pong on the kitchen table, the smokers who’re in the back doorway pretending to blow their smoke out of the door but really it just blows everywhere else. Judy turns her head back to Jen who points and says “found her” over the loud music, quickly cutting through a group of people to get to Natalie and the rest of Jen’s dance friends, with a couple of additions.

“Hey Natalie, great party.” Jen says, breaking up the circle with her loud voice, Judy’s on the outside of it until Jen pulls her in and wraps an arm around her waist.

“Jen!” Natalie downs her drinks in one, “I know right,” she adds after with a smirk, “nothing had been broken yet either.”

Jen smiles. “This is Judy,” Jen says, and then introduces her friends in turn.

Alice and Isabella greet her enthusiastically, she recognises them from the restaurant and the dance show, they were both in a trio with Jen if she remembers correctly, and she leans in with a laugh once they wrap her up in a triple way hug.

“Love your outfit!” Alice says, standing back to look her up and down with a smile.

Judy eyes Jen with a small smile, “thank you! I love yours too, all of yours.” She adds making sure to dart her eyes around the group.

“Oh! Go check out the punch bowls outside under the gazebo,” Natalie tells them, pointing her finger towards the doorway.

“Sure, I’ll see you later probably, have fun tonight.” Jen says, her arm guiding Judy away from the group as Judy waves to them all.

They’ve only been inside a few minutes but already the stuffy air is overwhelming and it’s nice to get outside into the fresh breeze despite it being a little chilly. There are three huge pink barrel type bowls of mixed alcohol and various add-ins, strawberries, lime, Haribo sweets, and Jen grabs two cups and peers inside the bowls.

“Are you having one?” She asks Judy, she’s grabbed two cups but doesn’t want to assume Judy would be having alcoholic drinks, she totally doesn’t mind if she doesn’t.

“Okay!” Judy says, and points to the Haribo filled bowl when Jen asks which one she wants.

Judy pulls a face at the taste and then it shifts into a smile, “actually once it’s down it isn’t that bad.”

Jen laughs and tries her own, she’d gone for the strawberry one and it’s _kinda fucking rank_ and has to much vodka in, her eyes tear at the taste. “That is terrible.” She pours the rest away and grabs another cub going for the same as Judy this time.

They head back inside afterwards and into the living room, Jen doesn’t seem keen on mingling with any other people and Judy’s fine with that as long as _she’s_ not the reason why she isn’t, Jen had assured her straight away that she wasn’t. They manage to squeeze on the couch, two other guys and a girl take up the other spaces and Judy has to practically sit on Jen’s lap to fit, one of her legs drape over Jen’s. The songs are either cheesy pop songs or ones without words that everyone jumps and head bangs to, Jen makes jokes about how they all look like clumsy idiots and predicts that the tv will be the next thing to be knocked over after the plaque of Natalie’s attendance award that came off from above the fireplace half an a hour ago, _so much for_ ‘nothing’s been knocked over’. Natalie’s parents are usually chill about that stuff though, and they still let her throw a party every year knowing what happens each time.

Jen’s people watching is interrupted later on by Natalie insisting that they’re playing spin the bottle and Jen and Judy _have_ to join in. Judy agrees and shrugs apologetically at Jen before standing up to follow Natalie, “ _she looked so excited to play Jen I didn’t wanna disappoint her by saying no_ ” and Jen reluctantly lets Judy pull her up out of the couch to go after Natalie. They head up to Natalie’s room with Alice, Isabella, and a few other girls that Jen recognises from the audience of the dance recital; Jessica, Caitlin and Stacey she thinks their names are, and there’s a few guys too, some she doesn’t know but two she does; Adam is Natalie’s cousin of whom she has a strangely close relationship with, and Ted; his mom rents out the dance studio and every year they come to watch their Christmas showcase, Lorna criticises the set at least three times after.

They sit in a circle, some on Natalie’s double bed, some on the floor or been bag chairs, and a bottle is placed in the middle of them. Each of them take a turn to spin, and make up the rules as they go along; answer a truth question, do a dare, kiss whoever the bottle lands on next. Natalie ends up lap dancing for Adam, Ted’s sick idea of a funny dare, it makes Jen squirm and she takes a look at Judy who’s trying not to grimace.

“Your turn Jen.”

She frowns in response, “do I have to?”

A chorus of ‘yes’ and a few sighs gets her quickly leaning forward to spin the bottle reluctantly, feigning carelessness about where it lands. It stops after a few turns and Jen follows the tip to where it points at Ted.

_Fuck._

“Truth.”

“No that wasn’t the round, you can’t choose, we’re doing spin for a kiss so do what you gotta do Harding” Natalie says teasingly, waggling her eye brows.

Jen flips her off with an eye roll. “You’re just making up the rules now.”

“It’s _my_ party.”

“Come on Jen just kiss him already.” _Fucking Isabella_ joins in and the next minute their all chanting ‘kiss him’ like a bunch of kindergartens.

“Fuck sake! Fine just shut up already,” Jen stands quickly, using Judy’s knee to push herself up, she purposely avoids Judy’s eye-line and focuses on clambering through the other crossed legs to get to Ted. She gets on one knee and surges their lips together, it’s smelly and itchy because there’s speckles of stumble on his chin. Ted seems to catch up just as Jen pulls away, his advancing hand missing cupping her cheeks as she pulls away and moves back to her death with a huff.

“Happy now?”

Adam nudges Ted and they whisper together about something, Jen feels slightly dirty as she sits back down beside Judy who’s gazing up at her with wide eyes and an unsure smile. She doesn’t know why she’s so bothered about what Judy thinks because _it’s just a game_. It’s not as if she wanted to do it yet she feels like she has to clarify that to Judy. Shaking her head, she takes another sip of her drink to block out the laughing erupting around them.

“Judy!” Natalie nods her head in gesture to the bottle.

Jen sees her hesitance, “you don’t have to.”

Judy chews on her bottom lip in thought, it would be weird she thinks to kiss a stranger, and she’s never done it before so she’d probably do it wrong. But she wants to join in and the fact that Jen did it is enough to convince her that it’ll be fine, she leans forward and gives a good spin of the bottle and waits for it to land on someone. It keeps turning and then slows down, Ted; Judy’s glad it moved past him, Adam, herself and… _oh._

Judy follows the tip and up to familiar eyes that are already staring back at her. Out of every one for it to land on she didn’t expect for it to be Jen, and it’s weird for her to kiss her friend, _right?_

_Then why was she almost hoping for it to stop on Jen._

Judy clears her throat, “well?” She’s never been braver, she thinks, than in this moment, with Jen lips pursing and then leaning in to capture her own. Jen places a hand on Judy’s jaw, as if to steady her, it’s a little clumsy and their noses bump. It’s soft and sweet, a mix of vodka and Haribo’s coating each of their lips and tongue. It barely lasts longer than a few seconds but something spurs awake inside of Judy almost, a heat or a burning or a desire. For what she doesn’t quite know, but she figures that if it elicited something as strong as that inside of her then she enjoyed it? She shakes her head, turning to look at Jen who she notices doesn’t screw her lips together and wipe them on her sleeve after kissing her like she just did with Ted, Judy shrugs her shoulders and slides the bottle closer to the next person.

The game continues but Jen feels like it happens outside of her reality, like she isn’t there. The kiss with Judy had left her confused because with Ted she didn’t feel into it but with Judy it felt…nice, safe. Perhaps that’s because of their already established bond, _that’s it._

Except for some reason Jen can’t stop thinking about the tenderness of Judy’s lips against her own throughout the rest of the night which is made even worse when they get home and sleep in the same bed, Judy’s eyes drooping as the seconds tick by. They say goodnight and head to bed as soon as they get inside, changing quickly into pairs of Jen’s pyjamas before climbing under the covers with full sets of makeup still on. Judy’s that close to her that she can see the way mascara clumps together on her eyelashes, the way the lipstick fades on her bottom lip. She could probably count every freckle, every eyelash. The last thing Jen sees before closing her eyes is Judy’s sleepy smile, opening and closing after whispering a “goodnight Jen”, she almost doesn’t want to turn over but she sleeps on her left side because she hates looking at the window.

And if Judy face falls when she turns over then…

She buries her head further into the pillow and succumbs to sleep.


	7. Whatever we’re doing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. Another little surprise at the end of this chapter ;) that hopefully you’ll enjoy
> 
> Is there any thing anyone wants to see from Jen and Judy? Any cute prompts etc? I could incorporate them in? 
> 
> Hope you like this chapter x

Morning brings a heavy bout of rain and slight sunshine, a rainbow forming in the distance is the first thing Judy see’s once awake, and the bunch of Jen’s hair beside her head that falls over her pillow like a waterfall. Her head is cloudy, like she’s got a cold and her nose is stuffy as she breaths in, she doesn’t feel sick which is probably a good sign. The clock reads 8:45 on the bedside table, the numbers blur into one another so she closed her eyes again tiredly. Jen hadn’t woken up yet and Judy figured it’s still too early to be awake on a Sunday, especially when they didn’t get home- _to Jen’s,_ until around 3 in the morning, so she listens to the slow rhythmic breaths beside her echo in the silent room and quickly falls back to sleep.

It’s Jen who wakes first after, and ends up waking Judy when she stretches and bangs had wrist against the headboard. Jen rolls over to face Judy after, bringing her hands under the covers and Jen’s the first to wake after, reaching up in a stretch she bangs her wrists on the headboard which accidentally wakes Judy up too. Jen rolls over, tugging the covers and pulling them further around her until it creates a sort of hood over her head. Judy blinks tiredly and gives a lazy smile, whispering “morning,” once she’d cleared her throat.

“Morning…” Jen sighs, giving a smile back which breaks into a yawn. Her eyes slip shut again and Judy just stares, still smiling, tracing Jen’s slightly curved mouth and closed eyelids until Jen coughs and snaps her out of it.

“God…” Jen sits up slowly, hair framing her face messily. “My throat’s so dry.” She clacks her lips together, can still taste the alcohol they had last night, and the cold left over pizza they’d ate when they’d got home last night, stumbling a little over one another until Jen just said they should head to bed before anyone gets hurt; Judy had caught her foot on the step as she walked through the door and Jen had only just managed to catch her. Jen could definitely hold her drink better than Judy, probably because she’d had a bit more practice at previous parties, but after only a couple of drinks Judy was like a walking spaghetti, falling over everything and giggling once Jen had stopped her going all the way with an arm around her waist.

They’d had a good night after the slightly awkward game of spin the bottle, once they’d gotten more involved in the life of the party it was easier to go downstairs and join everyone else. They’d danced and laughed at other people dancing, colliding into each other and others as they tried to keep up with the Macarena. Jen had noticed Judy getting more and more tired, her eyes dropping slightly when they were in the bathroom together catching their breaths, and had called a cab around 2am. Judy said she’d enjoyed herself more than once since they’d arrived home, and a couple of times in the cab while her head rested on Jen’s shoulder, and Jen was glad, she deserved to let lose and feel like a normal teenager without worries of any Tyler’s or reckless mothers.

“Here,” Judy reaches behind her for one of the glasses of water they’d set of purposefully last night, one of the things they managed to do before collapsing on the bed together in a mix of laughter and exhaustion.

“Thanks.” Jen gulps the water down in one and swipes her mouth with her palm once finished.

Judy takes it from her and sets it back down. They’re both sitting halfway up in bed, covers up to their chests and backs resting against the headboard. Their makeup is still on from last night too, Jen’s eyelashes are stuck together from the dried mascara and Judy’s got a slight smudge of tinted lipgloss on her cheek. Clothes are scattered on the floor from where they’d changed quickly and climbed into bed.

“Thanks for inviting me to the party, I had fun.” Judy says with a smile.

Jen shrugs, “no worries, I had a way better time with you there. Even if you did almost throw up in the car on the way home…” she says with a laugh. Her palm rubs at her eyes as she tries to wake up further, she’s starving and suspects Judy will be too.

“ _Almost_ …” Judy nods.

It falls quiet for a minute again, the sound of rain patters against Jen’s window is loud in the silence. Then one of their stomach rumbles, Jen knows it wasn’t hers but Judy’s blushing enough as it is so she just suggests they go and get breakfast from downstairs.

Samantha and Fred are at the dining table when the two of them make it to the kitchen wrapped up in a dressing gown each of Jen’s, Judy’s is pulled around her tightly because it’s a little big.

“Morning you two.” Samantha says, eyes peeking over the top of her reading glasses as she bookmarks a page in her book. She stands, “I’ve made scrambled eggs and toast if anyone wants any?”

“Please.” Jen answers for the both of them, pulling Judy’s chair out beside her dad and then gesturing for her to sit before she does so herself.

Jen’s dad’s busy doing the crossword, eyes focusing on a particular clue he can’t get when he tilts the page to Judy’s side and silently invites her to look. The top of his pen is in his mouth, teeth chewing the lid as he grumbles, tracing letters of an answer which turns out to be wrong when there’s too many letters. There’s one Judy think she knows, ‘a type of art form that presents the world from a subjective perspective, originated in Germany’, she thinks the answer is expressionism and once Samantha places a plate of breakfast in front of her and she’s thanked her for it, she gathers the courage to point at the boxes on the page, guiding her finger across them saying “I think that one is expressionism” quietly and then turning back to tuck into her food shyly.

Fred traces the letters with his pen and then raises his eyebrow when he realised she’d correct. Smiling, he pens in the letters, dotting the ‘i’ once he’s written the full word. “Thank you!” He tilts it further to her then, “if you know any more feel free, I hate leaving them unfinished.”

Judy nods, “I will.”

Jen eyes Judy with a sly smile and then looks back to her own plate teasingly. A dollop of ketchup is squirted over the top of Jen’s eggs and then she mushes them round until they’re a pink/red colour, testing the balance of ketchup and egg and then putting the lid back on and asking if anyone else wants any.

“Did you enjoy last night?” Samantha asks, looking to both Jen and Judy for a response.

She receives two nods and once Jen’s taken another bite of toast she says “yep, I mean it was just the same as any other party she’s had but…” she eyes Judy, “definitely more fun this year,” and gets a doting smile in return.

“I don’t know how her parents let her throw them every year, _imagine_ the mess.” Samantha shakes her head frowning.

“Remember the time when the police showed up?” Fred brings up, scoffing Jen’s way.

“Someone started a fire in the garden!”

“Someone being Natalie trying to set off fireworks because it was her sweet sixteen, you know..” Samantha grabs a napkin from the side and wipes her mouth before saying “when I was young our parties involved playing outside for a couple hours and then parents would put on a spread of food and that’s about it… these days kids think they’re partying in Ibiza not there own home.”

Jen fights an eye roll, of course no one had parties back then, _it wasn’t far off the end of rationing_ she wants to say, but Judy’s here so she restrains herself,, “well at least I don’t throw parties like that.”

“You don’t throw them at all!” Fred says laughing as he sips his coffee, seemingly proud of himself for that one.

“Ha ha.”

Judy watches and listens to them interact and banter with each other as if she’s a ghost that’s happy to sit back and watch, like an invisible presence or a fly on wall witnessing an ordinary breakfast time at the Harding’s. It’s all she’d ever dreamed of, it feels like a real family and she’s just happy that she’s able to witness something as humble and warm as chatting around the dining table while eating eggs. Judy can’t remember the last time she had a cooked breakfast never mind sitting round a table with cutlery and glasses of juice.

The morning goes by faster than either them would’ve liked and soon Judy’s packing up her things in her rucksack room take home. Jen sits on her bed, playing music quietly from her little Bluetooth speaker. Honestly, she’s not even listening to the lyrics because she’s too busy thinking about the spin the bottle game last night, _the kiss_. She doesn’t know why she keeps being thrown in at the deep end within _her own fucking mind_ , picturing Judy’s soft lips and fragile smile. It was just a game, it’s not like Judy _wanted to_ , she was just playing along like Jen did for the awful kiss with Ted, she just happened to like one kiss better (a whole lot) than the other. _no big deal._

She shakes her head, only then realising that it’s quiet and the music has stopped playing because she hasn’t switched to another song yet. Judy stands up and heaves her bag on the bed just as the next one starts playing. She stands awkwardly, not sure when to make her leave or whether to stay for a few minutes longer, it would only be a few _minutes_ because she needs to go home, dread fills her gut when she’s reminded of her and her mother’s chat they’re supposedly having. ‘The favour’, whatever it is.

Jen pats the bed and Judy takes the offering, shifting her bag up to crawl into the spot up the bed. “What time did I say your train was?”

“Half past.” They’d checked online before, Jen didn’t want them waiting for ages outside as it’s still raining, even though she wouldn’t particularly mind spending more time with Judy even if it was outside under the pouring rain. She’ll spare Judy though, and even insists that Judy borrows an umbrella and takes it with her, she can just give it back next time, Jen had said. The promise of a next time makes Judy’s heart jump less each time, and now whenever she hears it it’s like it’s inevitable and she can’t wait for the next time even though she doesn’t want _this_ time to be over.

Jen closes her eyes to the song playing and leans on the headboard, “you working tomorrow?”

Judy nods, “you dancing?”

“As always.” Jen says. It’s nice to have a routine of some sort, going to their respective places together and going home together ¾ of the way, and meeting up for lunch in the middle of the day. It’s repetitive but Jen finds herself not caring, as long as it’s with Judy every time she doesn’t mind.

As Judy looks around Jen’s room, nodding her head slightly to the music playing, she notices her drawing of Jen, the one she did on the subway one of the first times they met, and her heart swells. She didn’t think the weekend could get any better, but she gets a feeling in her stomach at seeing her own picture up on Jen’s wall, displayed almost _proudly_ Judy thinks in the middle of the other photos. Clearing her throat, she says “you kept it then,” and Jen looks at her as if it’s the craziest thing she’s ever said, and in a second she’s saying “of course I kept it,” and pointing towards her desk where the other painting she gave as an apology gift sort of thing is blue tacked on to the wall.

It feels like ages ago since Judy first handed her the drawing, her shy hand creeping across the carriageway to hand Jen the paper as if it was nothing. In reality it had only been a matter of weeks, days passing by of getting to know each other more and more, loving spending time with each other even weeks later. Simple things, like eating together or walking to and from the station provide comfort for both of them, an escape from work, dance, cancer and drug addict mothers. A lifeline, an anchor keeping both of them sane.

“We better get going, unless, you could always stay? My mom and dad won’t mind?” Jen asks, pouting convincingly.

Judy would say yes, almost does, but she knows her mom would be mad if she didn’t come home for their chat. “I can’t, sorry, I’d love to though.”

Jen shrugs, standing to fetch their jackets. “Yeah,” she throws Judy hers from the back of her door where they’d been hanging all night, “some other time?”

“Of course.” Judy says, holding her arms out and then stepping into the coat when Jen opens and holds it out for her.

Judy says her thank you’s and goodbyes to Jen’s parents, Samantha giving her a brief warm hug on the doorstep and telling her that she’s welcome anytime, and then her and Jen huddle under the same umbrella, Jen has one in her hand but _they may as well_ , there’s… _more room_ on the path with just one umbrella. Judy holds it above them and Jen has to crouch underneath, it’s uncomfortable as they walk and the wind blows the umbrella inside out a couple of times, but it’s amusing watching Judy trying (and failing) to hold it in place, giggles spilling out as rain pours on them both.

They huddle under the shelter once arriving at the station and it’s not long before the train comes and the other passengers are lining up to get on. Judy turns back to Jen, putting her umbrella down and clamping it tightly in her hands. She peeks up at Jen through her wet bangs, and before leaving she stands on her tip toes and presses a sweet kiss to Jen’s red and cold cheek. The blonde freezes and finds herself unable to speak for a moment.

“I’ll see you.” Judy says, stepping backwards while still looking at Jen, like the first day they met-Judy bumping into the post outside of her work-and Jen smiles fondly.

“See you.” Jen watches and waves as the train pulls away and she sees Judy find their usual spot, it’s weird not being on it with her, Jen thinks, and again she wishes Judy had a phone so they could text and she could ensure Judy had got home safely. She guesses seeing her tomorrow will have to do. Once the train had disappeared out of site, Jen opens her own umbrella and walks back home, the path seemingly wider than it was on the way here.

*

It’s strange how stepping into her own home feels so cold and empty compared to how it was stepping into Jen’s. Instead of shoes by the door, Rosie and the sense of home cooking and warmth, the lights are off, the door mat is crumpled again and her mom is no where to be seen. She wonders if it’ll ever change, if it’ll ever be like it was in the old house where it was a little more like home, or if it’ll ever be like Jen’s house, somewhere she feels comfortable enough to bring friends round. The scattered beer bottles she sees once shutting the door and clicking the light switch reminds her that her mother isn’t like Jen’s mom or anyone else’s she knows.

Judy heads in to her room and empties the contents of her bag, they still smell like the party; alcohol, smoke and takeaway pizza. It was way better than she expected, not that she envisioned anything about the party, honestly other than what she’d seen on tv she had no idea what to expect. The only parties they’d ever had were her moms, and they were full of drinking and smashing glasses and smoking drugs, not games and dancing and karaoke. She’d hid upstairs during most of them, sometimes behind the door so no one could come in, remembers the pure panic when her door handle rattled and slurred words came muffled from the other side.

Natalie’s party was amazing, Jen was amazing, she’d stuck by Judy all night, even after their kiss. It’s weird for Judy to think about because it almost feels like a dream, like it didn’t happen because they’ve not really mentioned it. She supposed that’s the point, it was just a game after all. For the first time though she felt included, they invited her to play and she was brave enough to, instead of usually sitting on the outskirts, like she did at work when Tessa and the others would play cards or charades in breaks. Judy’s so grateful not only for Jen’s friendship but because of everything their relationship enables her to do, go to her _first_ party, have her _first_ kiss; she’s counting it as a real one since she hasn’t had any others, have her _first_ sleepover. Jen’s given Judy more than she ever imagined and it feels greedy to wish for more.

She can’t help it.

Eleanor stumbles in around an hour later, yelling Judy’s name as soon as she comes in. Judy braces herself, takes a deep breath, before heading out of her room. She offers her a glass of water, prays that she isn’t too drunk because she really doesn’t fancy cleaning any vomit. Eleanor takes the glass and downs it in one, slamming it on the counter once she’s finished.

“Sit.”

Judy does as she says, perching on the arm of the couch hesitantly.

“How was the party?” She starts, sliding in across from Judy and resting her hands on the table in front of her, smiling from ear to ear.

“Okay, how was your night?” Judy asks out of politeness rather than interest, she can clearly tell what she’s been doing all night and morning.

Eleanor waves her off with a hand and shrugs, “ya know…”

Judy just nods awkwardly.

“So…” Eleanor takes out a phone, it looks like Jen’s only slightly bigger, Judy wonders where she found the money for it. She slides it across the table and points to Judy, “you are borrowing this from my pal Garry.”

Judy lifts it up, inspecting the front and back. “I am?”

Eleanor takes a SIM card from her pocket and passes it over to her. “Listen…”

Judy takes the sim with a tight lipped nod.

“You’re going to do a favour for me right?”

“Yes.” Although she wishes she wasn’t, wills herself to say no but she just _can’t_ and it drives her insane.

“My friend,” said with a certain hiss, like this ‘friend’ isn’t a friend at all, “needs you to take this…” Eleanor heaves up a bag onto the table, it’s black and looks like a gym bag, a Nike symbol across the side. “…to this house,” she pulls out a piece of crumpled paper and unwraps it, flattening out the creases so the address can be read.

“That’s it?” Judy asks, although she doesn’t know why her mom can’t take it herself, but if this makes up for her mistake the other day then she’ll do it.

Eleanor grimaces, chewing her lip between her teeth, “there are some _things_ inside here that no one can see or know about or you will be in serious trouble.”

Judy gulps visibly, Eleanor’s eyes stone into her own timid ones, flicking back and forth between the bag and her. “What’s inside?”

“Just…” Eleanor opens the bag and moves the disguise of gym clothes to reveal, “don’t leave this bag unattended, don’t let anyone look inside, don’t open the bag…”

Eleanor lists off a set of rules Judy has to oblige to or she’ll be in ‘serious trouble’, like her mom said, and Judy can’t take her eyes off the packets inside, drugs. Loads of them, piled on top of one another like sardines, they’re different shapes and sizes and colours and Judy wonders where she got all of these from, whether she’d raided a pharmacy. Turns out the drugs aren’t hers, she’s delivering them to someone in payment for a debt, or rather, Judy is. Judy asks why her mom can’t do it, she’s ‘way better at that stuff’ than she is, she says, fingernails scratching together under the table, peeling the skin off around her nails anxiously. She can’t do this, she shouldn’t do this, it could ruin everything; her job, she’d be put in prison, school…

Eleanor slams her hand on the table, “are you listening to me Judy?”

Judy shakes her head, “sorry, I’m listening…”

She takes in her mom, sat across from her like a shell of the person she used to be , before the drugs and the parties and the trailer that’s supposed to be home. Her eyes go inwards, shrinking into the back of her head, bags drooping underneath. Judy knows she hasn’t slept in weeks because sometimes, when she’s in, she hears her pacing the room, muttering to herself. Her hands grip the other one like a lifeline, and they’re shaking, both of them trembling together on top of the table as her mom pretends she doesn’t notice.

“Are you going to do this for me Judy?” She asks, too sweetly, grin threatening to crumble if Judy refuses. “It will solve everything, I won’t have no more debts to pay off, and we can use money for food and more clothes instead of for those idiots, you’ll be helping both of us…”

Judy’s eyes seek Eleanor’s for any signs of honesty, but she can’t read her as well as she used to, her eyes are empty now, the person behind them seems gone. But… _Maybe this time she’s telling the truth, maybe they can go back to how they used to be._ Judy wants to believe that, and she once read somewhere- perhaps in a tattered book at her school library-that if you want something so badly you have to believe in it.

So she agrees and goes to bed that night with guilt lurking under her bed and dread in her stomach.

*

They’re at the park one evening after Judy’s last shift for the week and Jen’s gruelling dance rehearsal when Jen receives a call from New York College of the Arts, a woman named Rebecca calls to chat about Jen’s application and asks about an audition. Both of them are on the swings when she calls, luckily Jen had heard her phone buzzing in her pocket, usually it’s on silent. Judy had waited, making questioning faces and hand gestures while Jen talked on the phone until Jen put a finger over her lips and shushed her with a smile.

After around 10 minutes Jen hangs up and Judy pounces, throwing a gazillion questions at her at once. Jen has to tell her to slow down with a laugh, reluctantly because Judy’s face is like a child on Christmas, eyes beaming at her from the other swing as she waits to hear what Jen has to say. She’s more excited than her about it.

“They invited me to an audition, it’s on Monday.”

Judy gasps and drags her swing closer to Jen by her feet to pat her on the shoulder, “I knew you’d get in.”

“Not quite in, but one step closer.” Jen says, once Judy’s back in her seat fully she kicks off the ground and swings lightly.

“Some people don’t even get an audition, and look how quickly they’ve called you…” Judy points out, taking Jen’s lead and mirroring her gentle swing.

“You’re right.” Jen says. She doesn’t want to get excited about it incase nothing happens but with Judy it’s like the giddiness radiates between them both. Upon applying she’d never thought she’d actually get an audition, some of her grades aren’t the best, mainly the more academic ones like biology and maths, she’s just glad her mom encouraged her to apply. She’ll call her on the way home, she’s having chemotherapy late tonight so she’ll hopefully be glad to hear the news.

“What do you have to do for the audition?” Judy asks, swinging a little higher now and looking down at Jen whenever the swing passes.

“We have to prepare a solo and then learn some choreography on the day.”

Judy nods. “Which solo are you thinking of doing? I mean, if you’ve thought about it yet.”

“Probably my Amazing Grace one, it’s probably my favourite.” Jen says, side eying Judy as she swings even higher, wind whipping her hair behind her like flames on a rocket. One of the reasons it’s her favourite is because Judy loves it, it’s the only one that Judy’s seen so it’s a little stupid even in her own mind but she can’t help it. She smiles as Judy comes to a staggered stop, grating her feet on the ground with her pumps.

“You’ll be amazing whichever one you choose, they’ll be idiots if they lost the chance to have you on their programme.” Judy says with a proud smile.

“Stop…” Jen turns her head away, blush creeping up on her cheeks.

Judy laughs, “it’s true.”

Jen shakes her head smiling. “What’re you thinking about doing?”

“Right now?”

“Noo,” Jen tuts, “for college or just, after school, any plans?”

“I’ve not really thought about it, I still have a year left but in an ideal world…” Judy hums in thought and then says “…I’d love to study art, or art therapy mixed in with education, I dunno-“ she shrugs her shoulders. Kids like her don’t go to college, kids like Jen go to college because they’re talented and special and have the money to pay for it and the attitude for a great social life. Judy just has a few art supplies and a probably unreachable dream.

Jen turns her swing, “are you gonna apply?”

Judy shakes her head, “I don’t know.”

“Why not? If I can do it so can you.” Jen insists.

“You think?”

“Course, if you’re worried about-“ Money, Jen wants to say, but it seems like overstepping the mark, she’d seen Judy’s home and knows she can’t afford much, but still. “Anything then there’s scholarships and entry schemes and things you can apply for, I can even get my mom to help you look if you like? She’s good at that stuff.” 

“Really?”

“Again with the double question thing…” Jen teases, kicking off swinging again.

Judy shakes her head. “Thank you, if you’re mom will help me then I’ll be happy to accept it.”

“Good. Now, let’s see who can swing higher, I’m done with all this serious shit about futures…” Jen says.

Judy laughs, “okay,” and starts swinging her legs as high as she can.

No matter what she does she can’t get as high as Jen, and the blonde knows it, teasing her as she flings her swing higher. Anyone would think she was trying to get it to wrap all the way round, she used to try get as high as she could as a kid to see whether it’d wrap around the bar at the top. Would sulk when her mom would stop pushing because it was too high. Judy’s legs are shorter than hers and ‘her swing is rubbish’ she says as an excuse.

“Come sit on this one then.” Jen says, skidding to a stop with a breathless laugh.

“You’re on that one.” Judy says confusedly.

Jen rolls her eyes, “duh, come on…” and pats her lap, beckoning Judy to come over. Judy’s not sure she’s serious until she raises her eyebrows in waiting, and she hesitantly walks over to Jen’s swing that seems like it’s miles apart from hers, the air suddenly thick. She doesn’t quite know why. It reminds her of the game at the party, the same glint in Jen’s eye.

“How do I…?” Judy stands awkwardly in front of her, feeling gangly as her arms fall to her sides. She fixes her bangs for some reason.

“Just wrap you’re legs around…” Jen gestures to either side of her, holding onto the chain with both hands to steady the seat, it would not be good to fall on this freezing cold floor.

Judy clambers on and it’s the most ungraceful thing Jen’s ever seen and at one point she’s worried that the swing will snap or that this was a really bad idea and they’ll fall off, but then Judy settles on her lap, warmth leaking through her cotton black work trousers, at least she wasn’t wearing a skirt today. Jen wants to wrap her arms around her, but she has to keep her hands around the chains of the swing to keep them both steady. The wind blows harshly on Judy’s jacket and it hits her face, she reaches up to pull it away and almost falls back out of Jen’s lap, the blonde tilts her knee quickly to push her forward so she can grab the chain quickly.

“Fuck Judy!”

“Oh my god.” Judy giggles, now gripping the chain for dear life.

And just like that the awkwardness is gone, dissolved into the breeze. Jen pushes them off with her tip toes, the weight making it harder but she gets it to move a little bit, swaying back and forth as they laugh into each other’s shoulders.

“Stop my stomach hurts…” Judy says, biting her cheek to stop herself from laughing any further, a grin still stretched on her face.

Jen pulls back to look at her, the creases beside her eyes showing a true smile, her beaming eyes watery because it’s _absolutely freezing_. For a moment she stops swinging, feet scraping on the ground as they dangle from the seat, just to look at Judy. The way she smiles so deeply that lines have formed next to her mouth, cheeks that are red rosy and eyes that have a smile of their own as they pierce into her. Her wavy hair whips around and frames her gorgeously and perfectly shaped face, Jen wants to trace her jaw with her fingers just to see how straight and sharp it is. Well, to remember, to feel Judy’s skin under her fingertips again like at the party, but she clears her throat and snaps herself out of it because friends _don’t think about other friends that way,_ she thinks.

It’s too late, as Judy asks “what?” With an endearing smile, despite the fact she’d just been staring at her like a _fucking Cheshire Cat_ for the past minute and a half.

Jen shrugs, “I just…” it’s cringe and weird she thinks, to say that she just loves looking at her when she’s smiling and laughing and being totally carefree, that she finds it adorable the way she snorts when she giggles, that she’d love nothing more right now than to do a replay of what happened at the party. “Love seeing you happy that’s all.” She goes with.

Judy purses her lips and tilts her head, “you make me happy. Are you happy?” Judy asks quickly.

“Yes.” And Jen doesn’t have to think about it for long, being with Judy makes her so. A laugh escapes, covering up the tears that have somehow welled up in Jen’s eyes when she thinks about just how overly happy and content she is right now, sat here on a swing with _Judy._

They’re that close their noses almost touch, each other’s breath blowing softly onto one another, Jen can hear the small squeaks when Judy breathes in through her nose. Brown eyes gaze into blue like magnets, neither look away or pull back for ages. The park blurring as if they’re in their own bubble with just them and the smell of vanilla and pasta sauce, Judy must have gotten some on her work clothes. Jen tilts her face up and nearly bumps her nose to Judy’s chin, she thinks about tilting her head up just a tiny bit further and closing the gap properly. Before she can work up the courage or go through the pros and cons in her head of doing so, Judy closes it before her, leaning down to capture Jen’s lips in a slow kiss. A safe, familiar warm blossoms in her chest and Jen tilts her head, her keen mouth warm and sweet, Judy’s dark hair falling like a curtain around the side of Jen’s face. A hand wangled it’s way into blonde hair as Jen’s own find their way to Judy’s waist, clutching at Judy’s belt hoops and pulling her fingers through them as mouths move in sync with one another’s. It’s like before but longer and more daring, Jen’s mouth is the first to open for Judy, tongues dancing like lyrical number, that’s the only way Jen can think of describing it. Judy makes kissing graceful and elegant and soft, yet she can feel a slight burn on her thigh and a desire by the way Judy’s hand clenches, still gently, in her hair.

The need for breath has them both pulling back, daring to look at each other straight, both cheeks are coloured a deeper red and lips are slightly pink. Judy sniffs up and opens her mouth and Jen can sense an apology rushing out so she closes the gap again, more surely and certainly and spreads her palm against Judy’s back, pulling her even closer. It lasts a sweet moment before Jen pulls back and curls one of Judy’s strands of hair behind her ear, she leans into it.

“I wanted to do that.” Jen blurts out, her voice like a pin dropping in a silent room.

Judy’s brows crease and a hopeful smile creeps up, “me too.”

“And to be clear, it’s not a continuation of the spin the bottle game…” Jen says lightly, grasping at what she does best, cracking jokes, in case she’s dreaming and Judy didn’t actually just say that she wanted to kiss her as well.

Judy nods. “I don’t see a bottle.” She says. “I don’t know how to do this.” She adds then, lips down turning a little.

“Do what?”

“Whatever it is we’re doing.”

“Me either.”

Judy nods slowly. _Well,_ if both of them are clueless then she doesn’t see the harm in leaning in for another kiss, tugging Jen’s lips in with a hand on her neck. Teeth bump together because they’re both laughing into it but they keep going like that until the skies get darker and the clouds break open, rain pouring heavily as they rush to the station.

They part with a kiss that night on the way home and both forget anything else about whatever’s happened to them.


	8. Something like betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a quick chapter I put out because I’m so excited to write the next one! 
> 
> Tw maybe? Slight drug deal talk etc, not really though idk 
> 
> Hope you guys like this chapter :)

It’s Monday, the day of Jen’s audition and she doesn’t think she’s ever been this nervous, her stomach is in knots; although it could be the couple days old yogurt she ate yesterday at breakfast by accident. There’s no reason for her to be nervous, she knows the dance off by heart and can learn choreography in all of five minutes and execute it perfectly, Judy had said as much last night when Jen had invited her to the studio to watch her solo again. She’d added a few different turns and new steps just for extra pizazz and Judy thinks it’s even better than the first time, Jen actually thought so too, and the kiss Judy had given her after watching her first run through had affirmed it in a way. Jen didn’t expect it, but when she’d ran through her dance again she couldn’t wait for it to finish, for it to be better than the previous time so Judy would compliment her and _maybe_ give her a kiss or two again, _maybe_.

Since the park last week something had changed between the two of them, they were more confident with each other, Judy especially who had started reaching for Jen in a different way to before, with her gentle hands and chaste kisses. What Jen enjoyed the most about this apparent change was that nothing had actually _changed_ between them at all, it was still just the two of them navigating whatever was between them together. Judy was still a ball of constricted energy, like the sun, and more often than not now she’d release some of it when she’s with Jen, in the form of cheesy jokes or excitement at seeing that Starbucks now uses paper straws because it’s better for sea life. Jen loves that part of her the most, can tell when she’s holding herself back like she does the few times Jen’s sat with her at lunch at ‘Bella’s’ and Tessa and the others have been there. And Jen’s still the sarcastic, grouchy blonde with huge doc martens and perfect hair, perfect feet, perfect posture…only with Judy she’s relaxed, more open and quite soft. On the couple of sleepovers they’ve had, one on the day of the party and one on the weekend since, Judy finds herself unable to stop staring at Jen when she’s fully pure and natural, when her hair’s messed up in the bun from a nights sleep and her head is bundled up under the covers because she always gets cold in the morning. The only thing different was that they’d kiss now too sometimes, nothing extravagant, just light pecks every now and then whenever they wanted, that was something that had been a welcome change. It’s a silent mutual agreement to take whatever this is slow, for now they’re content in enjoying each other while still discovering more about one another.

Jen presses pause on her music, she’s running her solo for the last time before leaving with her dad to the station, he’s got the day off work to drive her halfway so she has time to shower before leaving, then she’ll get on the subway and then another bus (she thinks, she’ll check at the station) and she’ll be there. It takes around an hour altogether. Judy’s working today so hopefully she’ll see her on the way. She wipes the sweat from her brow and refills her water bottle, downing a few gulps before letting out a satisfied ‘ah’ sound and drying her mouth. Jen tries to forget about her solo while showering because there’s only so many times she can go over the same dance in her head and physically, but it’s no use and all she can think about it whether her costume will look good enough or whether she needs more leaps.

Her mind is working on overdrive and she doesn’t eat breakfast that morning until her mom forces an apple inside of her. Adrenaline alone is what Jen’s running on, only when she’s in the car waiting for her mom to say goodbye to her dad does she allow herself to breathe. She watches as her dad kisses her on the doorstep, bites her lip and takes a deep breath as he rounds the car to the drivers side.

“All set?” He asks strapping himself in.

“Yep.”

*

“You mess this up Judy and I mean it, _we’re finished_.”

“I won’t!”

Judy promises, taking her moms hand only to have it snatched away from her. The brunette steps backwards and frowns, the gym bag lies at her feet, taunting her. She thinks about not going, about saying she was mugged or she lost the bag on the way but Judy thinks it would make everything 10 times worse than it already is. Although that seems impossible.

“Here…” Eleanor puts the borrowed phone in Judy’s back pocket of her jeans. “Text the number ending ‘8779’ when you’ve done it, it’s already in the contacts list under ‘G’.”

Judy nods, shoving the phone in her pocket further. She swipes the bangs from her face and looks up at her mom, who stands over her as if she’s a kid ready to be reprimanded. She searches her face for any sign of gratitude or warmth or move towards her and comes up empty, there’s nothing, just eyes of stone, desperate for a next fix. Judy accepts that this is them now, she’ll do this and there’ll be no one storming the house at 2am to take a tv or oven or anything in payment. Until the next time.

Judy heaves the bag onto her shoulder and slips her vans on. She’s not working today, had called last night to fake an illness. She feels terrible about lying, she _hates_ lying. Especially to work because they gave her a chance when no one else did.

“I’ll get going.” Judy moves to the door awkwardly around Eleanor’s harsh stance, she doesn’t step out of the way so their shoulders brush roughly.

“Don’t get caught.” Eleanor says from behind her, Judy faces the door and her voice sounds like a devil on her shoulder, overpowering and bitter. Then she adds “be careful baby, I love you for doing this” in a soft voice she hasn’t heard in a while and Judy’s all confused again because it sounds so much like the mom she was before, not the shell of a mother left behind that Judy’s so used to nowadays.

“I will.” She settles with, heading outside into the cold, head screaming ‘don’t get caught’ and ‘we’re finished’ back at her like colliding microphones. It’s deafening, despite the heaviness on her shoulder and a growing resentment she carries on walking to the subway, eyes looking elsewhere every second in paranoia.

*

Jen doesn’t see her straight away because the subway’s quite busy, she can’t remember whether she’s working mornings or evenings so she doesn’t check their spot as she gets on, there’s a guy sat it in anyways. She walks down into the next carriage and then the next, and as she’s about to get to the end of the train and accept she isn’t working until later, she sees a familiar peek of brown hair and bangs.

Waving proves useless because Judy’s got her head down, so she quickly makes her way over to her with a way too wide smile, she tones it down a little (tries to) before lifting the bag on the chair to sit down next to her.

“Hey.”

Judy practically jumps out of her seat and snatched the bag back with wide, panicked eyes.

“I was just moving it sorry, hey-“ Jen moves to sit crossed legged and puts her own bag on the floor in front, “what is in that thing it’s so heavy?”

Judy shakes her head, “nothing!” She’d forgotten it was Jen’s audition today with everything going on and that’s another thing for her to feel guilty about. “Hey! Good luck for you’re audition, are you ready for it?”

“Thanks, and yeah I think so, too late to turn back now…” Jen says, turning to her then with a concerned look, Judy has to avert her eyes quickly. “Are you okay though? You seem different.”

Judy nods quickly, _too quickly_ for both of them, Jen’s going to know somethings wrong, so much for _not getting caught_. She counted on not seeing Jen today, she can’t lie to her. “I’m great!”

It’s not convincing. “You don’t have your work clothes on like usual, are you not working?”

“No? I mean yes…” Judy swallows. She can feel herself getting hotter and her fingers itch to tug her skin until it comes off and she disappears. Away from Jen’s concerning face and questions that Judy’s coming so close to just answering and let that be the end of it all.

“Jude?” Jen shifts in her seat so she’s facing her and puts a hand on her shoulder.

Judy feels herself being pushed closer to the edge, her eyes well up and she melts under Jen’s touch. The bag under her feet feels dirtier than ever, she feels dirty, and now she’s lying to her best friend, or _whatever they are_.

“Tell me please, you can tell me anything you know that…” Jen says softly, and the soft peck on her cheek is what does it.

She can’t do this, lie. “My mom’s making me do something and I’m scared..” she says in a hissed whisper, tears escape and cascade down her hot and clammy cheeks.

Jen leans forward so that she covers Judy’s frantic crying from onlookers, already a guy with massive front teeth and a huge beard is looking over at them and Jen feels like punching him. The train stopping to let more passengers on provides a distraction and Jen turns her attention back to Judy, who’s got her face covered with her hands and she’s practically clawing at herself as if that’ll stop the tears.

“Please look at me,” Jen takes her hands gently to pull them away from her face, at first Judy resists and then finally something gives and her hands fall to her lap with Jen’s wrapped around them.

“What is she making you do?” Jen asks quietly, using one hand to quickly wipe away a few tears.

Judy shakes her head, “the bag…” she whispers, gesturing to the floor, “has drugs in it and she’s making me take it to this house…”

Jen’s eyes widen and flick back and forth between Judy and said bag, she bites her lip and struggles to find something to say, a way to fix this. She knows they’d get in serious trouble if they were caught, because it is ‘they’, there’s no way she’s letting Judy do this alone.

“You can’t Judy that’s dangerous.”

“I have to. I promised.” Judy says, drying her face now and pulling on the mask she wore when Jen had first seen her 5 minutes ago, It’s colder now, determined even.

“Judy.”

“Jen,” she turns to her, eyes softening as she looks into Jen’s worried ones, pleading with her to not go through with it. “I have to, you don’t understand…it’ll be better once this is done”.

“How?”

“I don’t know, it just will.”

“You can’t surely believe that.”

Deep down Judy doesn’t think she does, but she has nothing if she doesn’t try.

It’s one more stop until the square, where Jen has to change to catch the bus to her audition, honestly she feels like cancelling it all together.

“You can’t, Jen _go_ to your audition, I want you to go.” Judy tells her, placing her hand on Jen’s forearm and squeezing to get her to look at her. Judy’s never been sure about much, but she’s sure about this. “You’re not missing your audition because of me.”

“I have to.”

“No.”

Jen sighs. “My audition’s important, but you’re way more.”

“Then you’ll go for me, please Jen I’m begging you to go…” Judy says, tilting her head desperately trying to get through to the blonde, stubborn as the day they met, kind and caring and amazing as the day they met too.

Jen goes silent and stands up without waiting for Judy and heads to the doors. When Judy catches up to her and the train slowly comes to a stop, she notices her hands gripping the hand rail and turning white at the knuckles. Judy places a hand over Jen’s one and pries it away from the railing, she doesn’t fight it surprisingly and the step off the train hand in hand when it stops. Everything’s a blur after that, they’re heading up the stairs one minute and then her hands empty and Jen turns around in time to see the back of Judy’s head as she runs through the people, she tries to follow but there’s too many passengers and it feels all stuffy and trapped and all she wants to do is get out of there. The cold air is welcomed when she steps out of the station and onto the square, her bus is already in its dock and she walks towards it like she’s on autopilot.

She barely remembers her audition, barely taking notice when she steps into a building with a large foyer and high ceilings. Jen goes into a world of her own, everything around her becomes a blur so much so that she almost misses her name being called by a man dressed in a suit and holding a clipboard. She jumps up quickly and composes herself when he turns his back to lead her into the audition room. Nailing the solo was the one thing she came here to do and she thinks she did okay, but finds it hard to pay attention to the feedback she gets from the three professors there watching, judging.

They take the audition-ees on a tour around the school, it’s got the best dance floors and mirrors Jen has ever seen and there are students practicing in some of the rooms already, it seems amazing but all Jen can think about is Judy. She worries so much that she misses a step later in the group choreography they learn in half an hour and when she gets home she tells her mom and dad that she’s basically flunked the audition and heads to her room to sling herself on her bed and burry her head in the pillow, wishing she could stay there forever.

*

Nails dig into the skin on Judy’s palm, leaving crescent moon shaped indents that are raw with anger, guilt and pain. Cars and neighbourhoods pass by through the window, the bus stopping every few minutes to let people inside. Thankfully there’s enough room on the bus that no one has to sit next to her, she’s right at the front so she can get off quickly when her stop arrives. A text comes through on the phone she’s carrying telling her to get off at Rovers Lane so she keeps checking through the window, squinting to see what road they’re at. She presses the bell quickly once she sees it in the short distance by and it jerks to a stop, almost missing it because Judy pressed it really late, she apologised to the driver once she walks past to get off.

The bag weighs down her shoulder again as she heaves it up further, she’s sure it’ll leave a mark, a reminder of what she’s doing, the soreness a punishment for treating Jen like she did, running away and not saying goodbye. She’s all she can think about while walking, she hopes her auditions going okay. As she turns down another path she comes across a white feather in her path, she leans down and picks it up, twiddling the end between her fingers as she tries to locate the apartment. She feels it’s a sign almost, perhaps that everything will be okay. One day at least.

Judy sees the apartment without even looking at the number, it’s flooding with people and playing loud music and before she can knock a guy approached with two other woman that come to stand behind her. Judy lowers the bag from her shoulder and places it on the floor in front of them. Her eyes don’t meet the man’s and she stares at the floor as he bends down to look inside, grinning when he sees its contents.

She feels a scratchy finger underneath her chin, tilting it up into the face of the guy, he doesn’t introduce himself, just winks and nods his head, then takes the bag inside with the two women following. Then she just runs. Faster than she’s ever ran before and she doesn’t stop all the way until she reaches the alternate bus stop beside the one she stepped off at. Judy feels like crying, but she doesn’t. She manages to keep it in until she gets home and into her lumpy, cold bed. And then it’s like the floodgates open and she can’t stop.

*

“Jen?”

Another knock sounds on her door. Jen knows she can’t just stay in her room and not saying anything after coming in 10 minutes ago, storming upstairs and yelling to her parents that she messed the whole ‘shitty’ audition up. She’s calmer now, still thinking about Judy but she dries her eyes and sits up against the back of her head, shifting so a pillow supports her back.

“Come in.” Her voice is a little weary from crying and her mom must notice because she sits down beside her and pats her thigh gently.

“Honey…” Sam tuts, kicking off her slippers then so she can sit back on the bed fully, mirroring Jen’s position. “It can’t have gone that bad?”

Jen shakes her head. “It’s not…” she sighs, she doesn’t really know whether she wants to tell her mom what it’s really about. Judy would get in so much trouble, she knows Eleanor would probably be in more trouble and they’d get split up from each other and then who would Judy have? But another side of her, the sensible side wants to tell her mom because maybe she can help, she’s helped older kids like Judy before when she worked at the youth centre. Jen’s the only one that knows about Judy’s situation but she can’t do anything about it, she doesn’t even know where she’d start.

A hand on her shoulder squeezing reminds her that she could start by telling her mom what Judy’s mom made her do, because she’s out of her depth, _lets face it._ Judy can’t live that life forever, it’s dangerous and Jen’s worried about her. Scared that something might happen, something could have already happened and Jen wouldn’t even get to know about it. If only Judy had a _goddammedfuckingphone ._

“Jen?”

Deep breathes, _she can do this._ “It’s not about the audition.” She says, drying the corner of her eyes so she doesn’t start crying again, once in a day is already enough.

“Then what is it?” Sam asks softly, encouragingly.

So Jen tells her everything, about the trailer, Tyler (she goes mad at her for getting involved but she tells her _it’s Judy what was I supposed to do_ ), Judy’s mom forcing her to deal drugs today and maybe sometime before Jen doesn’t know. It’s not like they’ve been friends long even though it feels like forever, she has no idea what else Judy’s been through like this or how long she’s been living like she is. Her mom assures her she’ll help Judy, kisses her on the forehead and tells her that dinner will be ready in ten.

Jen feels like she’s just betrayed the one person in the world that she would _never_ want to hurt. And now she completely hates herself for it, hates herself for hoping that Judy will thank her for it instead of being mad. She’s going to be mad, she told her not to tell anyone and here Jen is, spilling everything to her mom. For some reason she feels like something shifts, within the _fucking world or whatever_ , it’s such a Judy thing to think and Jen wonders why she feels that way, there’s a stinging pain in her stomach throughout the night that she can’t describe.

All she can think about is Judy.


	9. By the beach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! 
> 
> So, don’t be mad at me for this ... :)
> 
> There will be flashbacks so get ready for those.   
> I was going to reveal ‘it’ in this chapter but I wanted to keep you all waiting just for a bit :) you’ll know what ‘it’ is after reading.
> 
> I hope you like this :) x

**Laguna, 2018.**

_Drop dead._

_You fucking prick._

_You make me sick._

_Get outta my head._

“Fuck.”

A hushed whisper and a slammed hand stops the music bellowing from the car, currently parked outside a grief group meeting her business partner and friend (although he may not be after this) Christopher has practically bribed her into going too, how could Jen Harding _possibly_ pass up _2 whole crates_ of wine. As she looks in the mirror she brings a tissue to her crying, sore eyes, dabbing at the corner of them with shaking fingers. Jen shakes her head to snap herself out of her sorrowful state and forces herself out of the car with the mindset that she only has to go to one meeting and she’ll never see any of these people again.

It’s easier after that to make her legs move in the direction of the entrance to the small outdoor meeting space Pastor Wayne (a friend of Christopher’s Jen’s just _dying_ to meet) had set up for their ‘grief circle’ as he called it over the phone. It’s a decent place she has to admit, it’s secluded and has a gazebo tent sort of thing, and _coffee_ which she makes a beeline to as soon as she spots the table.

Some people are already sat down she notices, just two empty spots left at the chairs, assuming there’s one for her and one for another pitiful soul that ended up here. Never did she think she’d _ever_ go to a grief group, despite the amount of grief she’s had in her life, she’d lived with it. She hates sharing and hates listening to other peoples stories, she has her own problems why would she want to take on anyone else’s, she’s learned that she’s _not_ good at helping other people anyway. Just like other people can’t help her. It’s a farce really, being here, being expected to tell a bunch of strangers about her _feelings,_ but she’d promised, and the wine is probably waiting for her at home with Christopher who’s probably struggling right now to look after her kids, she scoffs at the thought, he’s _never_ volunteered to watch them before. She figures she’ll at least give this thing a try, for Charlie and Henry, she needs to be better for them and she knows it, she’s just not sure how going to a grief group will help.

Turns out the coffee is _horrible_ and she spits it out halfway through a mouth full back into the styrofoam cup. _Great start_. Another woman walks up to the spot she was just in to try the coffee and she supposed her good deed of the day can be to warn this woman that is absolutely fucking _rank_.

“I’d skip the coffee, it’s horrible.” She surprises herself by doing so, usually she’d do anything to avoid conversation with random people, but she figures she’ll sacrifice a moment of her time so that the woman doesn’t have to go tasting the same toilet water disguised as coffee she just did.

The woman looks up, through her long-ish bangs, and Jen finds it hard to look her in the eye with all the distracting colours she wears, a rainbow striped coloured t shirt and a long flowing skirt.

She smiles up at Jen and then frowns, “I made it.”

_Oops._ So much for _good deed of the day._ “Oh. I’m sorry.” She says awkwardly, stepping back from the table and the quite…striking brunette who’s looking at her with puppy dog eyes.

She stares at her for a minute and Jen feels her face colouring up, and then breaks out into a small laugh with “no I’m just kidding…”

_Oh my god._ “Oh, ha.”

“I’m Judy.” She adds then, sticking her hand out in waiting.

_Hmm, formal._ “Jen.” And she hesitates to take her hand a little, she’s hardly ever heard the name Judy, mainly Judith or-

Jen links her hand with the outstretched one and shakes it twice, the brunette seems to linger, eyes narrowing intensely. Jen doesn’t know what it is but something about her seems familiar, like she’s having a strange sense of de ja vu. She shakes her head and puts it down to the weirdness of this whole situation and steps back a little, about to head off into her seat until the woman speaks again. _She’s relentless this one,_ Jen thinks and urges her feet to stay put. She seems nice, there’s nothing awful about her, and she has pretty eyes so Jen owes it to her to stay at least until the meeting starts, she doesn’t suppose she’ll have any better conversations with the others.

“Oh you live in Newport?”

“Yeah-“ she smiles, “I know I, look like I don’t belong there…”

“It’s not a bad thing to not belong there.” Jen says with a smile, then reaches inside her pocket and holds out her card to Judy, “but if you ever need an estate agent you know where to find me.”

Judy takes it with a smile, “thank you! I might,” and Jen wonders how she keeps it up for so long, there’s smile lines at the side of her cheeks though and Jen thinks it’s actually genuine.

She learns that Judy’s husband died of a heart attack suddenly, his name was Steve and he was some big businessman that Judy dotes over. Jen doesn’t reveal much until the topic of forgiveness comes up and asks ‘how can I forgive someone who crashed into my husband while drunk driving, meaning my children now live without a father and might as well not have a mother too because I’m so fucking shit at being one’, leading several pairs of eyes to land on her all at once and she overwhelmingly looks away, only to land on Judy’s eyes in the next chair but one, and calm a little. She doesn’t know why but her anger subsides, perhaps it’s just Judy’s hipster vibe she gives off.

The group isn’t as bad as she thought it would be, she shares a tiny bit about her trouble sleeping which wasn’t really resolved so she didn’t really see any point in sharing it and she laughs twice at a joke Pastor Wayne tells. Jen leaves a little lighter than when she first came (only slightly but she supposed shouting at a circle of strangers has given her some release). In fact, she even feels good enough to go into work she thinks. Since Ted had died she hadn’t been working more than a few times a week because for one; the boys needed her and for two; she could snap at any minute and doing so at a young couple ready to buy their first home wouldn’t be good for business or her reputation. And, dealing with Lorna was hard enough on a good day, never mind on days when Henry crawls into her bed halfway through the night because he’d had a nightmare about Ted’s car accident, or days when Charlie shouts angry accusations at her about Ted driving that night. Which, she wasn’t completely innocent in his actions that night, they’d had a fight, a pretty big one. But husbands and wives argue all the time, what husbands don’t usually do is go out at 1am because he simply can’t bare being in the house with her any longer.

Once she’s packed up her chair she slips away from the circle easily and pops on her sunglasses and she thinks she’s getting away undetected until someone jogs up beside her, Judy _of course_. Jen stops walking slightly and pulls her glasses down her nose, showing her eyes a tiny bit.

Judy puts a hand on her forearm and holds out a small piece of paper, “here…” Jen takes the paper and Judy’s hands clench together, fidgeting seemingly nervously. “I’m up all night, feel free to call me.”

Jen just nods trying so show appreciation with the small smile she gives her, it’s a little word, she hardly knows this woman, but it’s also kinda _nice_ she has to admit.

*

Her day only gets worse from there though, when she arrived at work she found Lorna discussing with some of her of contacts about planning a memorial service, most likely for Ted’s birthday that’s coming up in a few weeks time. She hasn’t forgotten but it’s not like Ted can be here for it so _why do anything at all._ Then, Henry had said before heading to bed that he didn’t want to go to school tomorrow and that he wants to stay with her because he ‘ _didn’t want her to be alone’_ and that has her balling her pitiful eyes out on the toilet for a good half hour. When she finally pulls herself together, she changes into something more comfortable; an old college t shirt she still had and some pyjama bottoms before climbing into bed. She lies their hours trying to fall asleep, realising when she looks at the clock for the hundredth time that it’s been two hours, it’s now 12:06.

It’s another half a minute before just decides to _fuck_ _it_ , she’ll just do it. Judy offered after all. Jen climbs out of bed and goes to fetch her jacket that she had on earlier, she digs through the pocket and takes the paper from earlier with Judy’s number on, a heart drawn underneath that Jen rolls her eyes at with a small smile.

It rings a few times, and Jen thinks about hanging up because of the unexplainable hammering in her chest, she wills it to stop and shakes her head against the phone. Then there’s a small rustle and a small “hello” and Jen’s stammering to say “hello” even though it’s just one little word.

_What the fuck is going on?_

“It’s uh Jen from the grief group thing.”

A realisation happens and then Judy’s saying a more excited “hi!” and assuring Jen it’s not too late when she asks if it is.

“What’re you wearing?” Judy asks then and Jen frowns confusedly, then remembers to speak because Judy can’t actually see her _obviously._

“Um an old shirt and pyjama pants that are slightly too big…” Jen replies, wondering where this is going.

Judy hums and then says “slower” in a seductive voice, then they’re both laughing through the phone until it quietens for Jen to ask “what the fuck…” with a scoff. “You’re a weird person Judy.” She adds then with a strangely fond eye roll. She hardly knows this woman.

Judy must shift her position a little because her “thanks” is muffled, and then it sounds like crunching so Jen asks “are you eating something?”

“Mhm, it’s an Entenmann’s cookie you know the little ones?”

“Why, yes I do…”

And then they talk for who knows how long, eating cookies and Jen sipping wine. Judy tells her a little about Steve, he’s handsome, owns a big house and is practically rich, and Jen shares a photo of Ted over messenger and tells Judy a little about her work, Charlie and Henry, and her hell of a day. It’s in the early hours when Jen yawns, and Judy points out that she’s tired.

“I am.” She says, she hardly noticed, it’s been nice, talking to someone her own age that isn’t always Christopher, his relentless enthusiasm can get annoying.

“I’ll let you go…”

“No.” Jen says before thinking it over, “will you…would you mind staying until I fall asleep, like _all the way_ asleep?” And she grimaces once it’s out, she wouldn’t be surprised if Judy hangs up right there and blocks her number. But Judy’s better than her.

“Sure.”

And honestly it’s the best night sleep she’s had in a long time.

*

It becomes a ritual, having a shitty day and then talking to Judy and feeling like she can wake up in the morning.

…

“I can only imagine how _fun_ that is.” Jen says sarcastically, because working with a bunch of old people like Judy does sounds completely awful. She can see how Judy would like it though, from only the few times they’ve spoke she can tell she’s patient and kind, the way she’s dealt with her over the phone outbursts about how _fucking shit_ life is at the minute anyone would think she’s an angel.

“I love painting, and some of them are nice except a lot of the women make fun of my outfits,” Judy says and Jen can imagine her pouting on the other end of the phone. “Abe always tells them off for it though, he’s lovely on the inside but a stone wall on the out but somehow I got through to him.”

“I’d probably like this Abe.” Jen says.

“You would,” Judy agrees, “he’s basically on older, male version of you!”

“Except when I’m older I won’t be living in an elderly home.”

“An assisted living facility.” Judy corrects with a laugh.

“I swear to god I will disown my kids at 80 if they even think about it…”

*

“Autumn is my favourite time of year, it’s a month of transformation and a time to reflect and embrace change…”

Judy says in response to Jen’s complains about the weather changing and having to shuffle leaves already on the pathway when she goes to and from the house, it’s still supposed to be summer but the world isn’t acting like it. Judy sounds like Jen’s old English teacher.

“And leaves are so pretty.”

Jen scoffs, “I think sunshine and martinis by the beach are prettier.”

“Oh, so you’re a martini kind of girl” Judy teases, a flirtatious glint in her voice that Jen’s pretty sure she isn’t imagining, “let me guess, dry with two olives…”

“Three, extra ice.” Jen says, “and for you…hmm, anything fruity I’m guessing.”

“I do love a good fruity tasting drink, especially cherry, oh! And I love a classic pinacolada.”

*

“You’ve never had one?!” Judy exclaims.

“Nope.”

“Well I’ll have to change that, they’re amazing, and such a simple breakfast, your boys would love them.”

“Something called a frittata doesn’t seem like it should be nice,” Jen says with a short scoff.

“Mine are.”

“I bet.”

There’s a few moments where they’re just eating, cookies again and Jen hates the crumbs that are going into her bed but it’s almost midnight and sitting at the kitchen counter again will make her ass go stiff and back worse than it already is. And ‘Facts of Life’ is on, a show they mutually enjoy and they’ve been watching every night when it comes on, Jen can’t believe she only found out about this when Judy had told her, she’d loved the show when she was younger. Judy’s a hundred percent a Mrs Garret, even though Judy claims to be a Tuti, ‘“ _it’s layered”_.

They’re watching one night outside Jen’s, glasses of half full wine in hand and blankets draped over their laps, it may be summer but it’s nearing autumn and it’s cold outside at night in Laguna. The stars twinkle in the night sky, the only light coming from the tv and the circular lights dotted around Jen’s _fancy_ outdoor living room, as Judy had called it, and it’s bliss. No stress, no worrying about what her kids are doing because they’re at Lorna’s and have already texted her goodnight, no work…

Jen leans back into the seat with a content sigh.

“You are such a Blair.” Judy comments then, making her lean forward as if startled.

“Fuck you.”

“What? Why?”

“I’m a Jo,” Jen scoffs like this is a fact, and then leans forward to rest her glass on the table.

“How are you a Jo? You’ve got the long blonde hair, and you’re gorgeous, _and_ I’m sitting here watching tv in your outdoor living room that looks like something from a movie…” Judy says, Jen feels her heart flutter at the compliment, but doesn’t address it, instead focusing on the absurdity of Judy believing she’s a Blair.

“I’m a fucking Jo,” Jen says shaking her head. “I’m tough.” She shrugs and adds “and I’m from Brooklyn.”

“You are?”

“Yep.”

“You don’t sound like you’re from Brooklyn.”

“Well when I was a kid I used to have an accent but, it kinda fizzed out because I lived in New York for a while and then LA even, I’ve travelled quite a lot…” Jen tells her, reaching forward to sip the last quarter of wine.

“What did you sound like?” Judy asks with a glisten in her eye, and then Jen can’t refuse to do the accent, and she’s glad she doesn’t because it makes Judy laugh like she’s never laughed before, and Jen feels a warming in her usually stone cold heart.

“Wow, you’re a Jo.” Judy says, nodding her head firmly and finishing the last part of her wine, once she’s done she wraps the blanket further around herself, her leather jacket (that Jen’s pleasantly surprised to see her wearing because she wouldn’t picture Judy wearing something black for one, or so…regal-y and casual and biker girl-ish, not that she’d pictured Judy, _obviously_ ) not doing much to provide warmth.

“Yeah I’m a piece of work…” Jen says, “according to my business partner Christopher,” she tilts her head and extends the last syllable in sarcasm, “my anger is hard to work with and an _issue_ ” she adds finger air quotes with an eye roll.

“I think you’re anger is understandable, maybe you should try meditating or channelling it in some way,” Judy says with a teasing yet caring smile, Jen wonders how she does that, so many things at once, then wonders how she can read her that well after a few days of knowing her.

“I meditate.” Jen says with a shrug.

And that’s how they end up in Jen’s car, Judy looking a little cautious as Jen bangs her head so hard she could get whiplash to whatever music is playing, then as she carries on driving she gets more into it, even starts bopping her head to the song Jen plays next. The look Jen gives her is something like a thank you, for not being repulsed or weirded out by her individualistic, _unique_ way of grieving, mediating. Judy just smiles and tells Jen to take the next left because she has an idea, which is how they end up on the beach with a blanket from Jen’s car.

They sit close enough that their body heat is passed between one another, knees bumping every so often when one of them shifts. The ocean washes up and down on the shore, and Judy tells her how peaceful it is, how compared to the ocean they’re just like tiny grains of sand. The breeze is even colder by the shore, and Judy shuffles even closer until an arm is behind Jen as Judy leans back on it and their thighs tough.

Judy seems to have another light bulb moment, leading her to search her pocket and pull out a joint and ask Jen if she wants some. Jen forgets it’s legal sometimes, she did it twice with Ted but, it wasn’t exactly enjoyable with him using it as an excuse to feel her up after every puff because “weed fuels my desire, Jen”, that was _before_ her mastectomy, _of course_ because he never touched her after that.

Jen resists for a moment before Judy says, “it’ll help you sleep” and then she thinks _fuck it_ and moves to take it from Judy’s fingers.

As Judy moves it towards Jen, her sleeve rides up and reveals a bracelet on her wrist, and as Jen carefully focused on taking the joint without dropping it she pauses, fingers touching, and notices a tattoo on her wrist, a small crescent moon and two stars. Something draws her eyes to it, and without thinking Jen takes the joint with her other hand and used her left to pull Judy’s sleeve up. Judy frowns but stays still.

“Umm, Jen?” Judy asks with a giggle, “I’d blame this on the weed but you’ve not even had a drag yet.”

Jen shakes her head with a smile, “sorry I-“ and what is she supposed to say, she doesn’t know what to think but she has a strange sense of de ja vu, images in her head of a bus shelter and a subway and swings. She takes a drag and tips her head back, blowing clouds of smoke out in front of her.

“Are you okay?” Judy asks and places a hand on her leg.

“Yeah, sorry…” Jen takes another drag and laughs. “It immediately feels nice…”

Judy laughs with her and rests her head on her shoulder, Judy’s somehow warm cheek seeping heat through her coat. Jen rests her head on top of thick hair, breathing in the scent of weed and coconut shampoo.

There’s still a feeling in her stomach, something gnawing at her but she doesn’t know what it is. Jen reaches for Judy’s hand, tracing the tattoo on her wrist as she stares at it, she’s seen it before but she can’t think of where, it’s not like she spends her time looking at constellation or tattoo symbols or anything.

“This is nice,” Judy says then, nuzzling further into her shoulder and moving her hand to link with Jen’s, fingers intertwining.

Jen nods in a silent agreement, gazing out absentmindedly to the ocean. It glistens against the twinkling night sky, washing up and down further on the shore than when they first arrived, waves crash against the rocks carried by the wind. It’s picking up and Judy pulls the blankets further up around them.

“Lights out.” Jen says and Judy takes the joint from her. She doesn’t realise how high she actually is until she starts laughing for no reason and the sand becomes a big blur of dark mustard coloured ground. Jen glides her fingers through it and picks some up to release it and watch it fall to the sand and disappear amongst the other grains.

“Good you probably shouldn’t have anymore anyway.” Judy smiles and takes Jen’s sand dusted hand, brushes it off and then holds it between both of her own again.

“Yeah, I don’t think so either.”

Judy giggles and shoves Jen’s shoulder with her own, muttering something about how she’s so fucking high and they should either catch a cab or wait to drive home.

They decide on walking into the pier where a few of the takeaways are open, Jen’s car’s still parked up in the car park ready for them to eat their food in once collected. Jen’s a little wobbly, Judy’s seemingly better at handling the high than she is, she feels like she’s walking on clouds that disintegrate and let her fall through as her wedged shoes sink into the sand as she walks. Judy’s giggling at Jen, one arm wrapped around her waist to steady her.

“I’m better at being drunk than high…”

“Total opposite for me, I’m a light weight.” Judy says, steering them on to the steps up to the path. “Are you fancying anything in particular?”

Jen thinks about it and then points to a burger stand, “one of those, with a load of greasy onions and cheese and pickles.”

“One of those it is, wait here I’ll get it for us.” Judy leaves Jen at a bench and she sits down and crosses her legs, she thinks she has the urge to go to the bathroom but that could just be the damp bench. Her mind is just, not even _her mind_ right now.

Judy returns a few moments later with a burger for Jen and fries with cheese melted on top for herself, she ends up sharing half of them with Jen anyway. They sit together on the bench instead of the car because Jen’s burning up and her hands are sweaty, the cool breeze is actually quite relaxing. It’s quiet, the burger van closes after a few more people order and the beach is just as desolate as it was when they got here. Flashing lights come from a bar further down the pier, music drowned out by the wind and waves.

Jen turns to look at Judy, peeling a bit of cheese off of the fry with her teeth, she seems to examine it before plopping it in her mouth. Her legs dangle off the bench and she kicks them, like Henry would. Her leather jacket is zipped up now but her nose runs and she sniffles every so often. So, Jen takes her coat off and wraps it over Judy’s shoulders despite protests from the brunette that Jen will be the one cold then, Jen just shakes her head and takes a big bite out of her burger so she doesn’t have to fake a halfhearted reply to maintain her stubborn bad bitch image. She’s pretty sure that’s already dropped with Judy though after the couple weeks of knowing her, she questioned how she was a Jo after all.

“That was fucking amazing.” Jen says, wiping her mouth with a napkin and then wrapping it up inside the paper wrapper that the burger came in, she tosses it to the trash can next to them and cocks her head with a smirk when it lands inside.

Judy tries and fails to get her rubbish in, which Jen picks up for her and throws herself. Judy turns to Jen then.

“I don’t feel like going home.” Judy says sadly, it’s getting late and Judy can only get inside the assisted living facility before 11pm, Jen still finds it pretty miserable that she lives there all alone even though Judy insists it’s fine.

“You could stay? The boys ate at their grandma’s and I don’t have work in the morning?” Jen offers with a small smile.

Judy shakes her head quickly, “I wouldn’t wanna overstep.”

“You wouldn’t be, I offered, just say yes.”

Judy thinks about it before saying a quiet “yes,” and then smiling gratefully at Jen. “Thank you.”

“Thank _you._ ”

“For what?”

“I dunno,” Jen shakes her head, and then says, almost shyly, “just for, coming into my life I guess like some, weird little pot fairy.”

Judy smiles.

“And for not pitying me or being repulsed by my version of…whatever it is I’m doing with my life.”

Judy places a hand over Jen’s on the bench and links their fingers, “thank you for the same.”

They spend a few more minutes looking at the view and basking in the warmth of holding one another’s hand, Judy’s not cold anymore so she gives Jen her coat back. Then Judy yawns and Jen says they should head back. It’s only a 5 or so minute walk to the car and Jen’s head is clear enough to drive so she climbs into the drivers seat and starts the car, leaving the radio and music off. They drive home in a comfortable silence and Jen realises when they’re gone that Judy’s fallen asleep leaning against the window. Shaking her shoulder to wake her up, Judy stirs and checks her surroundings in a moment of panic, Jen reassured her with a whispered “hey,” and then helps her out of the car and up to her bedroom.

It has to be her bedroom for no other reason than the guest bed isn’t made up and the guesthouse is full of Ted’s shit still. Judy suggests sleeping on the couch but Jen just tugs her upstairs wordlessly with a shake of her head.

She hands her some clothes to sleep in and a toothbrush, they stand side by side bare faced and pyjama clad while Jen does her nightly routine, teeth, face, moisturiser and Judy combs over her bangs with Jen’s hair brush. Jen thinks she’s never felt this ease with Ted, they often went to bed at different times and sometimes she’d be working at night or he’d stay in the guesthouse when he’d been using his music equipment in there.

Judy climbs into bed first with Jen encouraging her to go ahead, she pops a quick eye mask under her eye and fills a glass of water and downs it before heading to bed, tossing the mask in the bathroom bin as she goes.

“You think you’ll be able to sleep okay tonight?” Judy asks facing Jen, cheek sinking into the pillow.

Jen smiles softly into Judy’s tired eyes and says, “you know what I think I might.”

Judy smiles. Jen leans over to switch off the lamp and rolls back over to face Judy. The brunettes eyes droop shut and Jen’s follow a few moments later, they slip into a state nearing unconsciousness, Judy quickly saying a mumbled “goodnight Jen” and the blonde returning it, before each of them slip into a comfortable slumber.


	10. I want you to stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!
> 
> I couldn’t stop writing these chapters, you’ll see why :) 
> 
> Hopefully they’re all grammatically correct because I just couldn’t wait to upload so I didn’t read through them properly beforehand, please lmk if there’s any obvious mistakes. 
> 
> I hope you like these two chapters, especially the next one ;)   
> There’s a lot happening in these two as well so I’m not sure, it may be too much? I got excited :)
> 
> Anyways, enjoy x

_“Look how pretty they are Jen!”_

_Jen takes the shell from Judy’s hand, it’s a cream colour with the slightest tint of pink._

_“You know if you put it to your ear you can hear the ocean,” Jen says, lifting the shell to Judy’s ear and watching the girls face perk up in delight when she hears the echoes._

_“Wow!”_

_Jen takes it away and hands it back to Judy, the girl’s got a bucket in her other hand for her collection and she carefully placed the shell inside on top of the others. Judy loves rocks and crystals and shells are no different, she says they represent good fortune. She’s going to paint them when she’s home, tells Jen she’ll clean one of the shells or pretty rocks up so it can go in her bedroom as a good luck symbol, Jen asks for one for her mom too and Judy searches for the most special one for her._

_Her parents were somewhere buying cheap clothes from the little shops scattered beside the beach, Jen didn’t fancy dragging her feet in all of them so her parents had let them head to the beach alone, they’d join them after purchasing half of the content in the stores. The sun beats down on each of their faces and Judy keeps handing her sun screen because Jen burns like a marshmallow over hot fire. The sand clenches between their feet as they head back to their blanket spread out near the top of the sand and Judy empties her collection out and sorts through it deciding which ones to keep._

_“This one can be yours,” Judy holds up one of the pebbles in front of her face and she takes it, it’s wet from the sea water Judy’s used to remove the dust and sand._

_“Thanks.”_

_“It’s like your eyes,”_

_Jen smiles, it’s got a hint of teal-blue and is shiny in the sun._

_“Jen…”_

_“Hmm?”_

**_“Jen…”_ **

“Hmm?”

“Sorry! Your phone rang and I answered it, it’s Lorna, Henry has come down with a cold and she’s dropping them off early.”

Jen blinks, she’s in her room, wrapped in warm bed sheets with Judy leaning over beside her. It’s morning barely, she squints and reads the clock saying 8:05 and groans. She reaches for the phone and tells Lorna to pick him some medicine up on the way home because there isn’t none here and she agrees, saying she’ll be here in 15. Jen says goodbye and hangs up, letting the phone drop to the bed beside her.

Judy hovers over her and smiles, “sorry, I should have woken you to answer…”

Jen shakes her head, “it’s fine.”

“Well, Lorna thinks that I’m you’re ‘one night stand’…” Judy says with a grimace, sliding back under the covers once it’s clear Jen’s not moving just yet.

“Oh fuck… sorry Judy,” Jen covers her face with a hand, wiping the sleep from her eyes.

“I tried waking you lots of times! You just must have been in dream land,” Judy says with a laugh to change the subject. “I worried you conked out on me…” she winks and Jen smiles back.

“Yeah, I-“

She remembers her dream so vividly yet it seems like she wasn’t actually there herself, like it was a movie she’d watched and could remember every detail to instead of it actually being about her. How could it be anyway? Perhaps her mind had messed up shell searching with getting high on the beach at 3am with Judy.

Jen snaps out of her thoughts as Judy waves a hand in front of her face. “God, sorry I’m just, I must be still tired.”

Judy shakes her head. “It’s okay!” She purses her lips then, “hey, I could make a breakfast frittata for you?”

“Is your kindness just a disguise to get me to compliment your cooking skills?” Jen teases, raising an eyebrow.

“Both.” Judy winks and then sits up. “I could make the boys one too?”

Jen smiles a little and shrugs.

“I don’t have to, yeah that would probably be weird, actually do you want me to go before they-“

“Judy!” Jen stops her rambling with a hand on her shoulder, squeezing lightly, of course Judy would take her hesitation for ‘no fuck off out of my house’. “I didn’t say no, they’d love that.” Jen says, “it’s just... a _one night stand_ has never offered to stay for breakfast before.”

Judy laughs, “well this one night stand is different,” she stands up fully then and wraps Jen back up in the covers. “Am I okay to use anything in the kitchen?”

“Go ahead.”

Judy clicks her tongue and makes a gun shape with her fingers which she directs as Jen as she heads out of the bedroom, Jen shouting ‘weirdo’ behind her. Somehow Jen just knew Judy would be a morning person, she barely looks like she’s slept with the spring in her step, the only tell being the way her bangs are messy and her hair is a little frizzy. Apart from that, Judy looks like she’s in one of those commercials for yogurts or breakfast cereal, all smiley and enthusiastic, the difference being with the actors in those it’s _fucking annoying_ where with Judy it’s actually quite _adorable._

She’s not fully awake enough to consider what that means, or why she dreamt about her and Judy last night collecting rocks on a beach.

*

“Jennifer…” In a shrill, snappy voice is the first thing she hears when walking downstairs for Judy’s breakfast frittata, colliding with Lorna and the boys as they walk in through the door.

Jen rubs her eyes, feeling a little exposed in her night clothes and dressing gown while Lorna glares at her in a black and white expensive power suit. She focuses on Henry who’s sniffling by Lorna’s side and opens her arms for a hug.

“Hey,” she says, squeezing Henry for a second and then stepping back, “how are you boop?”

“Cold…” he shivers dramatically.

Charlie steps to the side of them and heads into the kitchen, muttering something about it smelling good.

Jen takes their bags from Lorna and dumps them on the stairs for the wash later and tells Henry to go get a blanket and sit in front of the tv.

“Thank you Lorna.” Jen says, walking to the doorstep.

“Make sure Henry gets better soon.” She replies, a sour expression, “and whoever is in your kitchen better not distract you from your mothering duties…”

Before Jen can reply Lorna’s shutting the door to her car and driving off somewhat dangerously, skidding as she turns the car at the end. Jen shakes her head and goes to fetch a glass of water and medicine for Henry.

_Oh shit, Judy._

“Oh um guys-“

“Hey mom,” Charlie says with raised eyebrows, perching on a stool as he shovels food into his mouth.

“Hey, um this is-“

“Judy I know we’ve met.” Charlie rolls his eyes and pushes his empty plate back, “can I have another one of these?”

“Sure!” Judy says, eyes flickering to Jen who just shrugs, hopefully she remembers to fetch more eggs from the grocery store.

“How is Henry?” Judy asks, in the middle of emptying the contents of the pharmacy bag Jen had placed on the counter while she filled up a glass of water, and getting an empty shot glass (which Jen thinks is an interesting choice) to fill with some of the pink coloured medicine.

“He’s hungry!” Henry says in a scratchy voice, entering the room then with a large blanket wrapped around him, half of it trailing on the kitchen floor as he walks.

“You should be resting.” Jen says, taking the medicine glass and water and ushering him back to the living room.

“I wanna meet your friend!” Henry protests, pouting.

“Henry Judy, Judy Henry, now come on you need to rest so you get better faster, you have rehearsals for holy harmonies next week and you don’t wanna miss those right?” Jen places a hand on his hand and edges him on.

Henry sighs. “I’ll bring you some of this in Henry if you can stomach it?” Judy offers in a soft voice and an even softer smile.

“Please!”

Henry walks into the room then of his own accord and slouches on the couch, still shivering in the blanket. Jen sits beside him and Charlie soon joins them, assuming if Henry can eat in here then so can he. He’s grabbed a tray though for his plate to go on so she lets it slide just this once. Charlie let’s Henry have choice of programme and he switches to some show about a sponge and a pineapple Jen thinks is a little scary. Especially the music Henry sings along to at the beginning. Judy comes in with a tray of two plates and Jen’s takes it from her to rest on her knee.

“Thanks Judy!” Henry says, his appetite still clearly in check.

“Thank you,” Jen says with a grateful smile that turns into a frown once she see’s Judy perch on the arm of the chair plateless, “aren’t you gonna have some?”

Judy raises her eyebrows, “oh! I just-“

“Jude…” Jen says, in a tone that says _of course you can make yourself one you’ve been kind enough to make all of us one_ , and Judy nods with a shy smile, heading back to cook one quickly up and then joining the rest of them in the living room.

The boys ask questions about Judy and she replies with questions of her own, asking Charlie more about school than even Jen ever has and getting deep into conversation about birds with Henry. She learns of ‘dadbird’ which is a small robin that comes to Henry’s window each morning that he believes is his dad in some reincarnation shit that Jen _totally_ doesn’t believe in but Judy definitely does. She even offers Henry one of her crystals with he gladly says yes to. Charlie seems to like her, but he rolls his eyes at a lot of stuff Judy says, but there’s definitely a small smile he’s trying to hide when he does. When they’re finished Judy says she’ll wash up but Jen tells her to leave it and she’ll do it later, she takes the plates and trays back into the kitchen anyway.

“It’s disgusting.” Henry says when it’s time to take his medicine.

“Just do it.” Charlie huffs.

“It’s a tiny bit.” Jen adds, holding the glass to him.

Henry screws his lips and nose in disgust.

“Just think of it like a pretend shot, just top it back in and slam it on the table and we’ll cheer you!” Judy says with an encouraging smile.

Henry nods seeming to like that idea and he downs it in one and grins when they clap him, Charlie claps sarcastically with two fingers. Jen hands him the glass of water to wash it down and makes a mental note of the time so he can have the next dose in four hours.

When Charlie heads upstairs and Henry’s engrossed in the tv, Jen and Judy head upstairs to get dressed, it’s only 10am and Jen wants to ask Judy to stay without it being weird. They’ve only ever spent time on the phone together, time at the grief group and yesterday at the beach, somehow spending a day together with the boys present seems like a big step. One that Jen’s actually eager to take if Judy wants to, she can’t explain why but something about Judy is different to other people. There’s an understanding, maybe because both of their husbands have passed, or because they’re just two middle aged women who are lonely.

“Are you doing anything today?” She asks casually as they walk into her bedroom.

“Nope! Are you?” Judy sits down on the bed.

“No, I was wondering-“ Jen busies herself by removing her dressing gown and hanging it up so she doesn’t have to look at Judy while asking “if you wanted to stay?”

“Really?”

Jen nods, “yeah, we could have a movie day, I doubt Henry’s up to doing much and Charlie just does whatever.”

“Alright! Thank you.” Judy moves to stand in front of Jen, looking up at her through long lashes as she smiles widely.

“As long as you don’t mind the chance of getting a cold?”

“My immune system is high.” Judy winks, following Jen into the en-suite to use the tooth brush Jen had given her last night.

“Suppose it has to be working with old people, bet they get sick all the time…” Jen says around a mouthful of toothpaste.

…

Judy’s given a change of clothing since hers from last night are covered in sand still, and Jen thinks she looks a little weird in her muted clothing and _jeans_ , she’s never seen Judy in them before. They hug her in all the right places though, better than they do herself, while she ticks the dark navy t shirt in because it almost reaches her knees. Jen wears a simple outfit too, black jeans with a green blazer Judy said she liked.

They spend most of the day watching movies, with breaks to get snacks or drinks. Charlie’s sitting with them too for once, it’s been a long time since they’d all sat together in the same room doing something together, the only other time being dinner where the boys excuse themselves when finished anyway, mainly Charlie, Henry sometimes sits and waits until she’s finished, talking about his day. With Ted Jen hadn’t even been a part of meal times, she’d eat it late heated up after a long days work or the days where she’d be home Ted would order takeaway and the boys would take it to their rooms. When they’d first met she couldn’t remember spending meal times eating across from him, the only time they spent with each other was in bed at night, which got less frequent as their relationship went on. For the last few years though it had been the other way round, Ted was out gigging or touring while she stayed in and tried to be a good mother to the boys, which was hard to do while working a full time job. Ted sometimes left them for weekends at a time, returning with presents for the boys and a bottle of wine for her that he thought made it okay. It didn’t, yet Jen found herself biting her tongue for the sake of the boys and somewhat herself, she thought it was better to have someone than no one at all. Although it felt like she had no one at most times.

Judy cries at ‘Finding Nemo and the sequel, Jen’s not surprised in the slightest, she tries to hide it by bringing the blanket up to her face but they’re sat that close together than Jen feels her shoulders shaking and hears quiet sniffles. She rolls her eyes and rubs her leg affectionately, to which Judy gives her a look and scoffs at herself, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes.

Then they watch a horror movie, ‘Woman in Black’ and Jen allows Henry to watch it because it’s a 12, and he’s experienced more horrific things in life than shit that’s in the movie. Judy takes a hold of Jen’s hand when the first jump scare happens and doesn’t let go after that. Charlie eyes them suspiciously and then cocks his eyebrow over at Henry, who smirks and then turns back to the screen.

“Are you gonna have nightmares if I keep this on?” Jen whispers to Judy about 20 minutes in, Judy’s leaning against her, squashed up on the couch as Henry’s joined them at Jen’s other side.

“Shush.” Charlie says from his chair, eyes fixated on the Gil currently spilling a load of blood from her mouth. She grimaces and turns to look at Henry who’s covering his mouth with one hand.

“Are you sure you wanna watch this Boop?” Jen asks quietly.

“Yes!” He snaps back at her and puts a finger over his lips while he tries not to look horrified as the girl on the screen dies.

The actor being Harry Potter gives her slight reassurance that this movie won’t be _too_ bad for him or Judy. _Surely._

Judy shifts further down into the seat and her fingers absentmindedly play with Jen’s, not that she minds. Their hands are warm under the blanket, resting on Judy’s knee. Jen’s other arm is around the back of the couch near Judy’s neck and hair dangles on the back of Judy’s hand from her pony tail. If she moved her hand a little she’d trace the little hairs at the crook.

Once it’s finished the boys are hungry and Jen says she’ll order in from the Thai place they like, Judy nodding her head with a smile when Jen asks if that’s okay with her. They eat their food around the table and the boys don’t even protest, Charlie even stays until Judy and Henry start discussing some musical or other and then politely excuses himself to his room. Jen clears away the cartons and washes the plates, and the ones from this morning that were left from breakfast.

She can hear Henry and Judy’s conversation, hears Henry laughing about something Judy has said. She smiles fondly as she watches them interact, Judy’s so good with Henry. She almost can’t believe she doesn’t have kids of her own, she’d be an amazing mom if today is anything to go by. Henry has taken to her instantly, she persuaded him to take his medicine even though he literally _despises_ medicine of any kind, and had been at his beck and call whenever he needed something today, whereas Jen has teased “ _you may have cold but your legs still work buddy”_ , he was pushing his luck and knows it, but it seems Judy will do just about anything for her kids. Charlie even likes her, a little bit, she can tell. The way he doesn’t completely dismiss Judy like he does to her a lot of times has to count for something. She’d seen him grinning earlier when Judy had pretended to reenact Lady and the Tramp with her noodles at dinner, and she saw him schooling his features when Jen had met his eyes.

It’s a little sad when the day ends and Judy gets ready to leave, Henry’s tugging at her hand and asking when she’ll come back and she crouches down to say she’ll hopefully see him soon. He smiles at that and then heads up to get ready for bed, it’s school tomorrow and Jen figures he’s well enough for that if he can sit scoffing Doritos and fizzy laces all day. Charlie had said bye earlier, so it’s just her left. Jen walks her to her car that’s parked up beside hers and stands in front of Judy as she leans her back against her car.

“I’ve loved today.” Judy grins, a glint in her eyes.

“Me too.” Jen puts her hands in her pockets and shrugs coyly.

Judy leans forward and presses a light kiss against Jen’s cold cheek, and then rubs her hands up and down Jen’s arms, “go back inside, it’s freezing, I’ll see you soon?”

Jen smiles, “see you soon,” stepping back and accidentally hitting the post box outside her home. “Fuck!”

Judy bites her cheek to contain a laugh as she asks “are you okay?”

Jen rubs her back, _fucking post box._ “I’m fine…” she pulls a face at Judy who pouts back.

_There it is again._ A strange sense of this has happened before and _I’ve been reincarnated or something with only half a memory._ She shakes her head and waves as Judy gets into her car and drives away. She tries to remember whether this has happened before, but Judy was right, _it’s fucking freezing_ , so she heads inside and tries to ignore the strange de ja vu working at her brain.

*

“Good evening…”

Judy grins down the phone.

“Good evening.” Jen says, a teasing edge to her tone.

“Shall I come over?”

Judy’s been over a lot since the other week, has even picked the boys up from school a few times on her way when Jen’s working late and doesn’t want to ask Lorna.

“I’m coming to you.”

Judy sits up from her position on her bed, “you are?”

“Yep, I’m pulling up outside…”

Jen steers into a parking spot easily; the car parks pretty empty. Grabbing her bag, she hangs up telling Judy she’ll be up in a few. Jen’s never been inside Judy’s work place before, and she takes time to look at Judy’s paintings that are hung up on display as she heads inside, mostly of children, young girls with bangs and pigtails, wearing yellow, purple, pink dresses and all with heart shaped…holes? Jen frowns and stops to look at another painting, it looks exactly like Judy, a tall woman in a flowery dress with a heart shaped hole where her stomach should be drawn. Jen traces the picture, and her eyes follow the dress to the legs and then to Judy’s signature at the bottom of the white background.

“Hey.”

Jen turns around, “oh, hey.”

An elderly man stands in front of her, he’s the only one awake at this time it seems, and all the lights are off so she guesses it’s bedtime here.

“You’re Judy’s friend right?” He asks, eyeing her up and down with an unreadable expression.

“Oh, yep. How did you know?” Jen asks, she figures this is Abe, Judy’s stubborn old friend, the _male version of herself._

“You’re tall, blonde and pretty, and no one else ever comes here unannounced.” He takes her arm and guides her in further.

“She’s mentioned me then?”

“She doesn’t stop.” Abe says, patting her arm lightly.

“You’re Abe.” Jen says, he confirms with a nod. “She mentions you a lot too, you’re a good friend to her.”

Abe nods, “I know. Poor kid deserves it though…”

Judy pops her head out of a room they’re nearing them, waving excitedly.

“Right.” _Right?_ Jen thinks back to the painting and wonders whether she should ask about it.

“Have a good night.” Abe says then, pushing her further towards Judy with a pat on the back and a salute to Judy before he goes into his own room.

“You too.” Jen says, smiling, before heading towards Judy who steps aside for her to let her inside.

Jen raises her eyebrows when she walks in, it’s…small. And smelly, and there’s hardly any light coming in through the windows.

“Hi!” Judy says, holding her arms out to take Jen’s coat which she shrugs off while giving the place a once over.

“Hey,” she says distractedly. The bed is a single, the walls are an awful mustard colour and there’s hardly anything that shows that Judy lives here. She thought there’d be crystals, rocks, paintings, flowers…etc, it’s so bland for someone like Judy.

“Thanks for coming! What a nice surprise!” Judy says. “Oh!”

Jen watches as she jogs over to her bedside table drawers and pulls the bottom one out, coming back with two glasses and a bottle of whisky.

“Drink?”

“Always.”

Judy fills her glass and hands it to her, then perches on the edge of her bed looking up at Jen like she can’t believe she’s here. She wears a giddy smile and her bangs are flatter on her face, poking her eyes, and Jen wants to brush them away from her face. Trace a finger a long the laugh lines. She takes a seat beside Judy instead, resting the glass on her thigh.

“It kinda smells in here…?” She scrunches her nose and looks at Judy.

“You get used to it.” Judy shrugs.

Jen looks around, it can’t be fun living somewhere like this. Judy should have space to paint, somewhere that’s not occupied by a bunch of old women criticising her style, and she should have a bed that’s bigger than the one in here. If Judy weren’t small she’d roll out of that thing.

She doesn’t give much thought before saying. “Look, my guesthouse is open, Ted used it for his music and stuff but he’s…” Jen tilts her head, “not using it…”

Judy creases her eyebrows sympathetically.

“But you’re welcome to.”

“Welcome to what?”

“To come stay with us…”

“No-I, that’s so generous, _you’re_ so kind but-“

“Jude,” _okay so we’re on to nicknames now._ Jen moves forward before she can over analyse it, “just say yes, it’d be nice having you there…”

So that’s how Judy ends up trailing her clothes and a few bags to her house after work the next day with Charlie helping her carry her stuff inside, Judy gives him pocket money for helping and he takes it with a thankful smile. When it had just been the two of them, Charlie had told her he thought it was a little weird that she was moving in to her dad studio and Judy had said that she understood, but had assured him that she wasn’t trying to replace Ted in anyway. And when she’d asked him to show her some video games sometime he’d perked up a little, even more so when the money was mentioned.

Jen hasn’t had time to move Ted’s stuff from the guesthouse yet so Judy leaves a lot of her things in storage until she feels ready to do so. She changes the bed sheets into her own and hangs a tapestry on the back wall and it feels more comfortable already. Jen says she can have free run of the house obviously but makes her promise to be always there to make her delicious frittata’s that went down a treat the other week.

Judy’s first night in her new, well, _home_ , is the best night sleep she’s had in a while without the smell of tuna coming from the canteen while she sleeps in or weekly fire drills, which is actually a thing at elderly resident homes Jen’s surprised to hear about. Judy makes them breakfast and drives Henry and Charlie to school when Jen says she’s running late and they’ll have to catch the bus, that had earned her a few brownie points with the two of them.

She tells Abe about how amazing her new home is, about Henry and his love for music and performing and about Charlie’s interest in video gaming. Abe tells her he’s happy for her, and that she deserves it.

Abe met Judy when she was just graduating college, in a coffee store late one night in California when she was working on a painting away from her dorm, her roommate wasn’t particularly… _encouraging_ of her degree. Her name was Olivia, she was doing a Business and economics degree, and she practically hated Judy’s guts for some reason Judy wasn’t aware of. Abe had said it was jealously, that evening when Judy had come into the little café near her halls with a folder under her arm and red eyes from crying. She’d ordered coffee and sat down on a table, every one was free apart from one in the back corner, which Abe occupied. He’d complimented her on her painting and she’d thanked him in a teary voice which lead him to sit with her and buy her a cupcake. He listened to her problems like no one really had before, had given her advice and she’d listened to him speak, about his late wife, Flora, about moving into a residential his step grand children had pushed him into. Every weekday evening she would take her assignments and head down to the café where she knew Abe would be, it hardly ever had more than ten other customers in, and Judy loved that. It was a hidden gem, away from the bustling streets of Laguna and only the lucky ones found out about it.

“She’s amazing.” Judy says when Abe asks how Jen is. “She just, invited me into her home, and she loves my cooking and laughs, _sometimes_ at my jokes.” Judy puts down the brush in her hand, they’re in the middle of painting a landscape for Judy’s latest art class. The others have given up a long time ago but Judy sits with Abe as he colours in a well drawn woodland style image.

“Sounds like a keeper.” Abe cocks his head.

“I hope so.” Judy says, cleaning her brush to move on to the blues. She’s painting the beach, the one that her and Jen visits many times to smoke pot, or drink wine. Sometimes neither. Perhaps she’ll give it Jen as a gift, a ‘thank you for inviting me into your home’.

“There’s just something about Jen that makes me feel so safe, so-“ Judy shakes her head, “I don’t even know how to describe it, we’ve only known each other for a few weeks but it feels like forever. She really gets me, ya know?”

“I know.” Abe nods his head, eyeing her sideways, “are you sure she’s just your friend?” He asks winking.

Judy nods her head with a laugh and gets back to her painting, Abe looking over to see her face drop in thought. Whatever the thought is seems to clear because then she smiles and continues with her work.

“At least she isn’t an asshole like Steve.”

Judy almost flinches at hearing his name, a frown creeping up on her features and she mixes the paint water furiously.

“Yeah…”

“Judy my paper has ripped!” One of the women, she thinks it’s Hazel, shouts and waves her hand frantically for attention.

“Coming!” Judy stands quickly, almost knocking the water over but she manages to steady the cup quickly. Abe places a hand over hers and gives her a look, “I’m fine!” Judy pats his hand and tells him to carry on with his painting, it should be finished soon. And then she goes to help save whatever mess Hazel has gotten herself into.

*

It happens one night when they’ve just finished eating Judy’s vegetable Bolognese. Charlie and Henry had just gone upstairs to complete homework for the night, Jen had patted herself on the back when she’d ordered them upstairs after dinner to do school work, it made her feel like a real mother.

They’re spooning spaghetti into containers for dinner for another day, Judy had made enough to feed the whole neighbourhood it looks like, when the door bell rings and two loud knocks sound on the door. Judy looks at Jen, they weren’t expecting anyone, and the taller woman frowns with a shrug before heading to the door. Judy follows behind, it’s this thing they’ve come up with, they answer the door together; in case there’s too much takeaway containers when they order it, or it’s Jehovah’s witnesses and Judy can get rid of them politely while Jen just feels like punching them. It’s just how they’re doing things. Jen gets to the door before Judy, she’d had to quickly dry her hands on the towel after washing them before trailing behind Jen. She opens the door and Judy feels her heart physically stop.

Jen steps back, a shocked look on her face. “What…” Jen turns around, glares at Judy and then turns back to the guy who’s supposed to be six feet under, who instead is stood on her front porch.

“Jen I can explain-“

Judy’s voice is drowned out in the background as Steve says, “I heard Judy’s living here now, please give her these and tell her to stay the fuck away from my house”

“You’re Steve.” Jen says, eyeing him and and down to make sure this isn’t some nightmare where her-well, supposed friend, has been lying to her about her husband being dead. He see’s Judy then and the gap in the doorway allows him to shove past Jen and walk straight up to Judy.

“Stay away from my house Judy I mean it.” Steve prods a finger at Judy’s chest, and the brunette shrinks into herself, stepping backwards like prey, sub-missing to predator.

“I just wanted to get the blanket Steve that’s it!” Judy says, tears welling in her eyes as her hands come up in front of her defensively.

“Yeah well too bad because you’re not _fucking_ having it.”

Jen storms forward when she see’s Steve’s hands fist in Judy’s hair and pull her face, like some _fucking_ rag doll, towards him. She grabs Steve’s forearm and yanks him backwards.

“Hey prick get off of her,” Jen steps in front of Judy protectively. “I don’t know what’s going on here but you need to leave before I punch your fucking face into next week.”

“You don’t know a fucking thing.” Steve yells in her face. Judy flinches and practically cowers behind Jen, and the blonde feels a pit of fury bubble inside of her gut, at Judy for lying about Steve being Jen and then having the _cheek_ to hide behind her now, at Steve for coming in here like a psychopath and thinking he can grab his…wife? Fiancé? Like that.

Jen pushes him towards the door and ignores him spouting shit about Judy being crazy, a life ruiner, ‘where Judy goes chaos tends to follow’, “don’t come back!” Jen slams the door behind her and sighs, taking a deep breath before facing the next issue. Judy’s just been _what?_ Lying to her all this time? For what? And Jen just believed her, never asked too many questions about Steve’s death because Judy seemed to hate speaking about it, so she’d done the right thing and just ignored it. Judy hardly ever mentioned her life before so Jen had never brought it up. She should have asked more questions, maybe then she would have realised that the whole time Judy had been living with her, the whole time she was her ‘friend’, she was betraying her.

Judy’s in the kitchen, back to her when she walks in. She grinds her teeth together at seeing her there, at wanting to still see her there after this. The brunette turns around then, tears streaming down wet cheeks and her arms are folded over her chest, shaking.

“Jen I can explain, please let me explain.”

Jen scoffs, “please do Judy because you’re _dead husband_ just turned up at my door and I’d very much like to know how that happened.”

Judy begins pacing, “I don’t even know where to start-“

“Start by telling me why you fucking made up this whole lie about you being a widower, about how you came into my home and pretended to understand…” Jen shakes her head, the words don’t even feel like words coming out of her mouth. A lump has lodged in her throat, and the more she speaks the angrier she gets and the thicker that lump becomes. She stops speaking, hands twitching at her side.

“I do understand, in-in a way…” Judy’s shoulders jerk up and down as a sob takes through her body, she’s gasping for air as she tries to tell Jen everything, it comes out like a disjointed poem, choppy and changing the subject because Judy doesn’t know how to tell her, knows that pretty much however she tells her will lead to the end of their friendship. “Steve and I broke up, I lost him and everything with it.”

“Oh my god it’s not the fucking same thing!” Jen slams her hands on the counter.

“I know!” Judy walks around to face her. “And I’m so sorry for lying to you, for betraying you I never wanted to do that. I went to the grief group after…loosing a child, I had a really late miscarriage a few months ago and I needed something, somewhere to talk about it because Steve wouldn’t he just dumped me and told me to forget about her..” Judy’s voice breaks, she sits on the stool, she feels Jen’s a little calmer by the way she’s not breathing so raggedly anymore. “I couldn’t, it was going right, we were almost 7 months, the longest-“ Judy shakes her head, “I had 4 miscarriages before and I really believed that this time I was going to be a mother, clearly I’m not up to being one…” Judy dares a look at Jen, who’s looking to the counter tight lipped. “I made it up about Steve because I wanted to talk about my grief without blame, I know it’s my fault that they didn’t make it, that I lost _her_ because I worked too much during the pregnancy and I ate all the wrong foods and did everything wrong-“

Jen places a hand over Judy’s clenched fist then, resting them on the counter. “Hey, losing a child, or multiple, that wasn’t your fault.”

“It was,” Judy nods, staring at something invisible to the side of Jen while she chews her lip furiously. “Steve-“

“Blamed you, it sounds like. And that’s fucking wrong Judy okay?” Jen narrows her eyes at Judy, “that’s a fucking awful thing to do.”

Judy shakes her head like she doesn’t believe it and continues instead. “Once I’d told everyone about Steve at the grief group I couldn’t take it back, people always-“ Judy sniffles. “I’ve never been good enough to be a part of anything, not _just_ by being me, and when we became friends I was so scared you were going to see the real me that everyone dislikes so I had to keep up this lie because that’s the me that was accepted in the grief group, the _me_ that you invited into your home, the poor widower, not the poor woman who can’t keep children.” Judy says, turning her nose up at herself as she says it.

Jen gasps in audibly, Judy lying had been _fucking horrible_. She pretended to understand losing a husband and had let Jen share her grief over her husband with her. But this is way worse, Judy seemingly _hating_ herself like she doesn’t matter, like Steve had the right to come in here and take a hold of her. Like he had the right to blame her for losing their children and had the right to dump her after _five miscarriages._

_Who the fuck does that?_

Jen sighs with a firm shake of her head, moving to stand in front of Judy. “I wouldn’t have seen you as that.” Jen kicks the floor with her foot, _fuck_ why can she not be angry at this woman. Judy had lied to her, but maybe lying about that is easier than telling the truth about the other stuff.

Judy stands then, forcing Jen to step backwards as Judy hops off of the stool and starts walking towards the back door. “I’ll get my things, whatever I can’t manage you can just sell them or burn them or whatever you want…” Judy says, heading outside across the walkway to the guesthouse.

Jen pauses for a second, she could let her leave. She lied. Jen _hates_ liars. If she just _lets_ her go then she won’t have to furiously order her to leave and to never get in touch with her or the boys like she had planned to the second Steve turned up, when she realised. Judy could be gone out of their lives as quickly as she came into it.

_Fuck._

Jen pads outside in her skippered feet towards the guesthouse where Judy is frantically gathering her things. She’s not gotten very far.

“Hey stop.”

Judy visibly flinches at her voice and turns around, looking up at her with timid eyes. Just like when she saw the painting; the one that makes so much sense now that she knows what Judy’s lost, she feels an aching in her stomach, that after witnessing how Steve behaved earlier merges into anger. Jen wonders if Steve has ever hit her, or whether he used his cruel words often to belittle her, toxicity bleeds out of that man. She hopes with all her might that he hasn’t, she’d probably go and murder him on the spot if Judy asked her to, even after everything.

“I don’t want you to go.” Jen says. She doesn’t even care at this point if she’s doing it for partly selfish reasons, having Judy here makes everything easier because it makes Jen feel like she isn’t navigating all of this alone. She cooks for them, helps Henry with homework that she gets frustrated with, is understanding with Charlie and his typical teenage emotions. Judy’s basically Jen’s rock since they became close enough to share things with each other, close enough to be able to cry about their not so shitty lives now they had one another.

Jen doesn’t want Judy to leave. She’s kind, caring, and is like a slight ray of sunshine on the most miserable of days. Her smile puts Jen at ease, one look calms her down and grounds her, Judy reminds her she isn’t alone. She doesn’t deserve to be alone either.

“Stay please, I want you to stay.” Jen says, easing the bags out of Judy’s hands that are only half packed.

Tears form in Judy’s eyes and she slumps down on her bed, once the first tear falls the rest pour down like an unbroken stream. Shoulders wrack up and down through violent sobs. Judy scrubs at her nose and at her cheeks, as if forcing the tears to go back in and Jen quickly pries her hands away that have already left harsh red marks on her cheeks. They don’t speak, Jen just holds her as she continues to cry and eventually Judy allows herself to be held, bringing her own arms up to Jen’s and squeezing. Jen presses a kiss against Judy’s cheek, the salt from Judy’s drenched face mixes with her cherry flavoured lip balm, and she leans her chin against Judy’s hair, slowly rocking them back and for in what she hopes is a soothing manner.

Once Judy’s sobs have subsided and her stuttering breaths have become even, she sits up from her place against Jen’s chest and rolls her back in a stretch, _godknows_ how long they’ve been sat there for. Jen eases her arms off of Judy’s back, still sitting close. She looks around the room then, its mostly Ted’s shit occupying the space, and she thinks it’s about time they get rid of some of it.

“Hey let’s clear this room out…” she says casually, nodding her head in affirmation.

“Are you sure?” Judy says, voice cracking a little.

“Yeah, tomorrow?” Jen says once she’s stood up, holding a hand out for Judy.

Judy takes the hand with a tearful smile, “tomorrow.”


	11. There’s a river full of memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe...enjoy <3
> 
> Come say hi on twitter; chlo_barnes12

**_Sirens._ **

****

**_The rattling of handcuffs. Policemen raiding her home, dragging her mom from the couch and outside._ **

**_They order her outside, it’s cold, she’s only in her pyjamas._ **

****

**_Possession of drugs-_ **

**_Substance abuse-_ **

**_Theft-_ **

****

**_A car door slams, she’s left on the street with the remaining officers. They ask questions, body search her, ask if she has any other family she can stay with._ **

****

**_Her mom gazes out of the police car, banging on the side of the door with her elbow, hands tightly cuffed behind her back._ **

****

**_They take her to a car, telling her she’s going to the station with them._ **

****

**_A social worker is mentioned._ **

****

**_She begs the police to let her see her mom._ **

****

**_She’s sent to a quiet room in the station, an officer present and a lady who has kind eyes but professional motives._ **

****

**_There’s lots of grey, dull walls and cold floors. Judy can’t look at them, her foot drums against the table._ **

****

**_‘We’re you aware of your mothers drug abuse?’_ **

****

**_‘Has she ever coerced you into participating in the use of drugs?’_ **

****

**_‘Are you aware of-‘_ **

****

**_‘Do you know how-‘_ **

****

Judy jumps awake in a cold sweat, blankets twisted all together around her body as she struggles to escape from them. Her eyes roam around the room, the guesthouse, Jen’s guesthouse, and her breathing calms again. She focuses on a slow rhythm, rolling her heart to mirror the ticking of her Maneki-neko, eyes fixated on the arm of the cat as it moves up and down, up and down. She stands up and grabs a spare sheet and heads outside to the sun loungers, laying down on one of them and feeling her body cool instantly. It’s barely dawn, but Judy knows she won’t be able to sleep again, these nightmares haven’t occurred recently for a while but when they do she can never fall to sleep after them.

The quiet allows her thoughts to all come at her at once, she hadn’t had that particular dream in a long time, it used to be reoccurring, when she’d moved into her first foster home, The Russel Family, into a new bed, and then again for a few nights when she’d moved into her dorm at college. New roots always came with past thorns, memories of her mom being dragged away in the early hours of the morning, herself being sent to a temporary group home where the kids looked at her like she was something from the bottom of their shoe. It hadn’t happened on her first night in Jen’s home so she figured this time it was different, this time her current contention would cancel out the bad dreams. Perhaps it was because of yesterday, her emotions were all over the place after Steve and-

“Jude?”

Judy jumps, turning to look up at Jen, who’s looking at her confusedly.

“Oh! Hey.” Judy says casually, eyes roaming up and down Jen’s body, tight leggings and a lose shirt tell Judy she’s been running, there’s a light sheet of sweat on her forehead and she’s panting just a little.

“What are you doing out here?” Jen asks, coming closer.

“Oh just-“ Judy shrugs nonchalantly, “admiring the early morning view.”

Jen frowns like she doesn’t believe her, but her current state means she most likely just wants to get inside and have a shower, so she says “okay” and invites her inside instead of sitting out in the cold. Judy follows her and slides up onto the stool as Jen prepares herself a glass of water.

“Did you have a rough night?”

Judy shakes her head, “it was fine.”

“Alright…” Jen says, downing her water. “Well if you wanna talk about, _anything_.”

“Yep!” Judy stands then, goes to the cupboards to bring out a few eggs and slices of bread. She’ll make breakfast, it’s the least she can do. And she’ll pack the boys lunches and maybe make Jen one because she doubts the blonde makes her own. “You too!”

Jen puts a clammy hand over hers on the counter, stilling her for a moment. “I mean it.”

Judy smiles a little, not used to someone caring this much, especially after what she did. “Thank you.”

Jen pats her hand and then makes a ‘yuck’ sound, “I feel disgusting I’m gonna go shower.” She grabs her water bottle and takes it upstairs with her.

Judy hears the shower running a few moments later and lets it drown out the ugly dream she’d had earlier, downing a cup of coffee while making breakfast to spur her on.

*

Judy’s waiting for Charlie and Henry when they come downstairs, pancakes at the ready and syrup in hand. She’s still slightly nervous around the boys, _well_ not nervous per say, more apprehensive, she wants them to like her, and _truly_ accept her because they want her there and not just because their mom says so. Their opinion is important to her, the more she gets to know them the more they reveal, they’re smart kids but also troubled from losing a parent at such a young age, Judy knows better than anyone how that can have an impact.

Henry is a lot like she was when she was younger she thinks, he loves art and animals and is bubbly, he’s more outgoing than she was and she wonders where he gets all his confidence from. Maybe from his mother, Jen’s definitely not shy. Charlie is more like his mom, he’s practically a younger version of Jen, Judy thinks. He’s reserved and angry at the world but somewhere underneath his face there’s a softness, Judy just can’t wait for him to let her in, for him to be his full self around her, Jen didn’t wait long to show her true, adorable, funny, charming self and she hopes Charlie will soon feel comfort enough around her to do so as well.

“Morning Judy!”

Henry’s chipper voice spurs her into action, she gathers their plates and puts them on the breakfast bar.

“Morning, I made you pancakes…” Judy says, glancing at Charlie who’s hair is messy from sleep, he still looks _half_ asleep Judy thinks. As she sprinkles chocolate chips on Henry’s pancakes she raises her eyebrows at Charlie who nods, dragging the stool out to sit.

“Syrup?”

Henry nods enthusiastically and Charlie grunts a ‘yes’, she makes a rough heart on top of the pancake with it and slides the plates back towards them both.

“Orange or apple juice?” Judy goes towards the fridge and holds out cartons of both.

“Orange please.”

“Apple.”

She pours their respective drinks in glasses and slides that along the counter too receiving simultaneous thanks from the two of them.

“I made you peanut butter sandwiches for school is that okay?” Judy asks, opening their school bags ready to pop their lunches inside.

“Sure! Thanks Judy.”

“I usually get money for lunch.” Charlie’s says, and Judy’s face falls for a second until he says, “can I have that money for a new PS4 game instead?”

Judy smiles, relieved, and puts his sandwiches inside his school rucksack, adding an apple into each of their bags. “Well, you’ll have to ask your mom about that.”

Charlie rolls his eyes. “That’s a no then,” he says. He brings his plate to the dishwasher, empty, and turns to Judy. “Thanks for the pancakes.”

Judy grins, “no worries.”

Charlie sighs then, checking his phone after a ping signals a notification. “Ugh,” he types something back and then looks up halfway through his text. “Would you be able to drop me off at school? First period has been cancelled because our teacher is sick and they haven’t got cover, mom’s working so…”

Judy raises her eyebrows. “Of course! I’ll drop you off on the way to work.” She says, a little surprised he’s asked her but she’ll take this as a way of him reaching out, slowly accepting her.

“Thanks.” Charlie heads upstairs then and Judy hears him say ‘morning’ as he bumps into Jen on her way downstairs.

“Morning mom.” Henry says, “ooh you look nice!”

“Hey, thanks boop.” Jen strolls over and presses a kiss to his forehead, ruffling his hair after.

“Charlie says your dropping him off?” Jen asks, making her way round the kitchen to get a coffee.

“Yeah is that okay with you?”

“Course, thanks. Also, I told him no to the PS4 game.” Jen says, smirking a little as she averts her eyes to Judy while pouring milk in her mug.

Judy laughs lightly, grabbing a spoon to stir Jen’s coffee for her as she pours in the little milk so it’s slightly frothy. Her close proximity allows Judy to take in Jen’s outfit, Henry was spot on, she looks gorgeous, her hair is blow dried and Judy thinks if she ran her fingers through it, it’d feel like cotton wool or what clouds would feel like if you could touch them. The suit she’s wearing, black with a dark red blazer, gives off all sorts of power woman vibes, Jen could conquer the world in those heals and no one would batter an eyelid.

She moves away reluctantly to put the spoon in the skin with the other pots she’ll wash up before leaving. She grabs her own plate of pancakes which are slightly cold now, and sprinkles berries on top. Henry pats the stool beside her and she goes to sit beside him, he tells her about the art workshop they’re doing in school today, and Judy thinks it sounds exciting. Every now and then she glanced over at Jen, rushing around the kitchen and popping things in her work bag every now and then, she’s trying to gauge whether last night was a mistake and Jen doesn’t actually want her to stay, whether having her here is inconvenient and she’ll just be a burden if she stays. But when she glances again after hearing keys drop on the floor, Jen eyes meet hers and smile slightly, both averting at the same time with a certain amount of colour flooding their cheeks.

“I made you lunch.” Judy says, pointing to the fridge where it’s packed up in a container.

Jen looks around the various other foods and wine bottles, and then finds a box with a label on reading ‘Jen’ and a heart, with pasta salad inside. She turns around, pursing her lips.

“Thank you.”

“No problem” Judy says with a shrug.

Jen takes some folders, rearranging them in her bag so she can fit the lunch inside, and once it goes she looks up again at Judy and smiles. “Henry ten minutes…” Jen says after, rushing out of the room with keys dangling from her finger.

Henry finished his juice and thanks her again for the pancakes, “I’ll see you later,” and then heads upstairs.

“Have a good day at school.” Judy replies before getting started on the washing up.

Jen and Henry leave late by ten minutes, Judy’s in the guesthouse organising some more of her things when she hears the front door slam and two distant voices yell ‘bye Judy’, and then the skidding of tyres. Judy makes her bed, adding her multiple pillows on top and then straightening her tapestry when she notices it’s fell a little. She stands back to look, nodding when it’s in the right place.

Ted’s things take up a lot of the space in the guesthouse, Judy walks over to the desk to take a look. Jen mentioned he worked with music a lot, and it’s full of all sorts of equipment in here like drums, microphones, speakers… She walks towards a frame on his desk, it’s of the boys and him when they’re younger, Judy’s not sure how old, but Charlie has his front teeth missing and Henry’s practically a toddler. Judy thinks it’s strange that Jen isn’t on the photo, in fact she doesn’t think she’s seen one picture with her on in the house either. There’s lots of the boys, school photos, ones with their dad, but not one of Jen. Unless it’s hiding somewhere and Judy hasn’t seen it. Judy picks up a glass with whisky still inside and goosebumps appear all over her body as it sends a wave of chills and grief through her, the rim of the glass still has his lip print. She puts it down and wipes her hands on her skirt, feeling as if she’s just imposed on something she shouldn’t have.

She rounds the side of her bed to where her phone is charging and notices the time,. Quickly, she puts her coat on and unplugs her mobile, before heading inside to fetch Charlie. He runs downstairs and she reprimands him for it gently, before they head out of the door in toe and towards Judy’s car. Charlie comments on it not being ‘her style’ and it isn’t, but Abe left it for her when he gave up driving and she didn’t have one before, she used Steve’s. They hop in and Judy turns the radio on quietly until Charlie asks if he can play music through his phone. He hums quietly to the rap songs playing over the device and Judy eyes him more than one, _how can he memories all of those words?_

She drops him at school and waits until he’s all the way inside before heading to work. A text comes through on her way from Jen asking if she can borrow any packaging stuff from work so they can put Ted’s stuff in something to transport it to the storage place Judy has.

**I’ll ask around, if not I can go pick some up on the way home x**

She’s sent the text before registering that she’s used the word ‘home’ and now she can’t erase it. Autocorrect will take the blame if Jen’s weirded out by it, _you’ve only been there five minutes Judy for gods sake._ She drums her fingers on the steering wheel when she doesn’t get a text back straight away. Jen’s probably busy, Judy says aloud and before she can’t each for her phone to check if she has signal she clicks the radio on with her free hand instead.

Judy thinks she must have really messed up and she’s considering sending a ‘ ***back** ‘ to correct herself when she arrives at work and there’s still no texts. It’s nearing 11, Judy wonders if Jen has had her break already, whether she makes her own breaks, Judy bets she does. She waves at Abe and heads over to where he’s playing a solo game of cards for distraction.

“Hey Abe.” Judy slides her coat off and hangs it behind her chair, sitting down beside him.

“You up for a game?” He asks, clearing up the cards into his hands to shuffle them.

“Sure.”

They end up playing go fish, and Judy’s got her cards balanced on every surface she can find in hopes that Abe can’t see them because there’s no way her hands can hold all of them, she’s losing too. They play one long game that takes them to lunch time and still there’s no text from Jen, just sighs after checking her phone for what’s probably the thousandth time.

“Have we got a third player?” Abe asks, Judy looks at him confusedly.

“Huh?”

He nods his head gesturing at her phone, “you’ve not put that thing down, is something wrong?”

Judy apologies and then shakes her head, “I’m just waiting for Jen to answer, we had sort of an argument last night; well a one sided sort of one because she was mad at me for something that she should’ve definitely been mad at if not more so than she is, and I said I was coming _home_ on a text earlier and now she’s not replying.”

Abe frowns and dumps his cards on the table. “I win.”

Judy scoffs a laugh, “alright?”

“And don’t worry about it.” He pats her hand and is about to say something else before Judy’s phone chimes and she takes a look quickly.

“It’s Jen.” She says with a wide smile, and Abe rolls his eyes fondly at her.

“I’m going to grab some cake, it’s Helena’s birthday, you want some?” Abe says, standing slowly using the table as a support. He groans and stretches his back.

Judy nods, not looking up from her phone. “Thanks.”

Judy feels Abe leave, he knocks into the table with a grunted ‘fuck’ as he passes, and then she unlocks the text.

**Never mind Lorna has loads in storage apparently, she says I can use it. What time will you be home?**

_Home._ Judy feels a weight lift from her shoulders and replies quickly.

**Good! I finish after my art class so if everyone behaves *rolling eyes emoji* I should be done by 6 x**

A text comes back quicker this time.

**See you then**

An added,

**xx**

comes after and Judy grins.

“Here.” Abe comes back with her cake and she asks if there’s any left, it’s a three tiered one so she asks Helena later if she can take some home.

Helena says, of course she can take it.

For her _family._

*

Judy arrives home to half the guesthouse turned upside down, boxes litter the walkway from the main house, and there’s a crash and a loud curse sounding inside. Judy hurries inside and dodges the rolling tambourine, clattering as it stops just outside the door.

“Um… hey.” Judy steps inside, over the speakers and photo albums and everything else.

“Oh, hey.” Jen says, Judy leans forward, trying to catch Jen’s eye, but the woman is focusing on…ripping up.. _what exactly?_

Judy steps further inside, lowering her bag onto her bed amongst the other bags and boxes.

“Jen are you-“

“You know it was _him_ who wanted to live here.” Jen shoves something in the trash can, half it it spills out on the floor and she angrily punches it further inside.

“Uhh Ted?”

“ _He_ wanted to buy all this stupid fucking music shit instead of a new car which we desperately needed, _he_ wanted to have a house with a fucking enormous pool that hardly gets used… _he_ wanted to keep all these stupid fucking photos even though they don’t mean a fucking thing anymore…”

Judy holds her hands out, cautiously, as if approaching a wild animal. “Jen what’s wrong?”

Jen tears the papers up she’s got in her hands, “you know what these are? Our fucking marriage papers, he didn’t even stick around enough to let me divorce him, _fuck him_ …”

The papers fly around them like feathers from a startled bird as Jen just tears up anything she can grab a hold of, Judy’s got to stop this before she hurts herself, or somebody else. Although for some reason Judy thinks the one Jen wants to _really_ hurt is already hurt enough six feet under ground. Or dust- she never asked whether he was cremated or buried or whatever else people do these days. A burial at sea, maybe-

“Jen just sit down for me please, tell me what’s going on?” Judy takes Jen’s wrist and tugs her towards the bed, there’s hardly any space so Judy shoved some things onto the floor so they can sit.

Jen slams herself on the bed, gripping the sheets in one hand. “Ted was having an affair.”

“What?”

“Yep, right in fucking front of me, he’s a coward that’s what he is, he’s a fucking-“

“How do you know?” Jen gives her an exasperated look, “I mean are you sure?”

Jen stands, retrieving a laptop from the desk in the corner and placing it on Judy’s lap, tapping on the screen. “Does that look sure?”

Judy narrows her eyes at the screen, showing Ted’s online conversation on a game website with some woman named ‘Bambi’. And they’re, not very PG. Judy winces and closes the laptop, placing it into a free space on the floor so she can comfort her friend. In any way she can. Probably the only way is to continue smashing up this room or to go find this Bambi and punch her. Neither of those are very healthy ways, maybe if Judy plays some of her metal rock type of music. She pats her thigh with a tut.

“God Jen I’m so sorry.” She says, knowing it can’t make anything better. She always had a feeling Steve was cheating on her, with their secretary Danielle, a young hot redhead that followed Steve around at work like a lost puppy. She’d never been sure or brave enough to ask him, but she has a feeling she wasn’t just a paranoid fiancé. Steve would probably say she was.

“Who even has an affair with some girl named _Bambi_ I mean what is this fucking Universal Orlando?”

“I think Disney made-“

“Oh I know I’ve seen it maybe once…”

Judy sighs. “Did you ever have a feeling something was going on?”

Jen’s face morphs into one of ‘are you fucking kidding me’, and she shouts “of course not! If I did I wouldn’t have stayed with his boring ass for years.”

Judy holds her hands up, “okay, I just…never mind.” The last thing Jen needs is for her to pile on the fact that her fiancé was too having an affair and she never confronted him either, just practically let it happen. Jen’s better than that though, she can’t have known. Or even been suspicious, she has a feeling he’d not be getting off lightly if Jen had had any kind of incline.

“I mean, our sex life was basically non existent…” Jen says, shaking her head. “I thought it was because of me, but now I know it was because he was getting it everywhere else.”

Judy frowns, “why would it be because of you? You know this isn’t your fault right?”

Jen sniffs up, and Judy bends down to check she isn’t crying. She’s never seen Jen cry, isn’t sure she’d be able to handle it just yet without breaking down too. There’s tears in her eyes but they don’t fall, Jen blinds rapidly to stop them. Judy runs her hand along her knee hoping it’s comforting, if not grounding somehow. “It kind of is, we didn’t have a sex life any more after I had the operation.”

“Operation?”

“Double Mastectomy. Clearly Ted thought he’d be entitled to get what he wasn’t getting at home elsewhere.”

Jen says, so casually, and Judy’s still trying to process, wait-“you had cancer?”

“No, my mom had the gene, I got rid of them before it became a problem.” Jen says gesturing to her chest half heartedly.

“Wow, that’s so brave.” Judy says, repeats the latter half of her sentence when Jen shrugs like it’s nothing.

Jen stands then. “I need a drink.”

Judy stands quickly beside her, “well then let’s get you that drink,” and takes Jen’s hand to guide her around the mess over the floor. Jen pauses to look at the damage in the doorway, the room looks as if a bomb has exploded inside and she feels Jen’s hand tense in her own at the thought of having to clear this all up. To look at all of Ted’s stuff again and pretend like it matters where it ends up to the boys.

Judy rubs a hand up Jen’s arm and back to her hand, “come on, we’ll sort this later.”

Jen nods and let’s Judy lead her into the main house where she is poured a very large, _multiple_ glasses of wine.

*

Dinner is the last thing on Jen’s mind so Judy suggest they order in, Charlie says he wants pizza _with_ meat on it and she tells him ‘sure thing’ with a click of her fingers, he rolled his eyes, she thought it made her seem cool. Down with the kids and _whatever_ they do these days.

Their food is delivered around 7 and the boys eat downstairs with them, the latest episode of ‘The Masked Singer’ plays in the background and they each have a guess who it could be, and once dinner is taken care of Charlie and Henry head upstairs with a quick ‘thanks for dinner’ to do their own thing.

Jen has been quiet all night, and whenever Judy takes a glance at her it’s like looking at a pot of burning lava waiting to boil over. _Who can blame her?_

Judy clears the empty takeaway boxes and then sits back on the sofa beside Jen with yet another glass of wine, she’s diluted it a bit this time but with how many Jen’s supped she doesn’t think she’ll notice.

“Fuck, the guesthouse is still a mess.” Jen says after taking a large gulp of wine, face relaxing as it slides down her throat.

“I can clear up some of it and then just leave the rest until morning.” Judy offers, switching the channel after getting a nod from Jen. An episode of ‘Friends’ is on so she goes with that.

“You can’t sleep in there, it’s a tip.”

“I’ve slept in worse places trust me.” _The trailer, mom’s car, foster home number 3._

Jen gives her a look, if she wasn’t so intoxicated she’d probably push for more information about that. Instead she just sighs. “You can stay with me.”

“In your bed?”

Jen nods casually, while Judy’s heart is hammering. Sharing a bed with a _friend_ isn’t bad, they already did that the other week, it’s sharing a bed with _this_ Jen that seems-

“Are you sure?”

“Yep.”

“Thank you.” Judy side hugs her briefly and Jen leans into it slightly, although it could just be the wine finally catching up to her, she struggles to sit back up after.

“Oh god,” Jen rubs her fingers on her forehead.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have any more wine tonight.”

Jen nods, “seems like a good idea.” She leans back on the couch and closes her eyes. “You always have those.” She says softly, opening one eye to look at her.

Judy feels a swirling in her chest. She smiles back and says “thanks,” before taking the glass to wash out and suggesting they head up to bed now. Jen jokes that she’s eager and Judy feels herself turn red. Her arms immediately go to support Jen while she heaves herself up off of the couch and walks unsteadily up the stairs. It’s a familiar routine they go about before bed, Judy knows where everything is and she grabs night clothes from Jen’s drawer for them to wear. Jen doesn’t need help changing into them and Judy’s actually quite thankful because she doesn’t think she could stop her hands from shaking. Even drunk Jen is beautiful, there’s no doubt about it, like _this_ she looks loose, her hair is messy and her cheeks are blotchy, the lazy smile on her face is the prettiest thing Judy has probably ever seen.

Judy brushes a hair away from the side of Jen’s face as they lay side by side, Jen staring dazedly at her. It’s familiar, tender, it’s moments like this that shocks Judy at the fact they only met a few weeks ago in a grief group, and Jen wasn’t exactly willing to speak to her. She persisted though because for some weird reason seeing Jen spitting out coffee in disgust and warning her that it was terrible had ignited a fire in Judy’s belly, a need to get to know this coarse, foul mouthed, genuine woman. Judy’s not sure what she’d have done if Jen hadn’t called that night, it’s as if she’s been waiting for _whatever this is_ for a long time.

“I can hear you thinking, stop it.” Jen mumbles, half of her face squished into the pillow. That are _extremely_ soft, Judy leans into the blankets further. Jen’s bed is so warm, cosy.

“Sorry, should I turn off the light?” Judy asks.

“Mhm.”

Judy leans back to flick off the lamp beside her bed, careful to mind the glass and tablets that she put there earlier for when morning comes and Jen’s hangover comes knocking.

“Night Jen.” Judy whispers, receiving a muffled ‘night’ back.

She waits until Jen’s asleep, _all the way asleep_ , and then mirrors her breathing with her own and closes her eyes. It’s not long until she’s sleeping soundly, forgoing the worries of nightmares.

*

“Can I have the drums?”

“Nooo mom please can I have them?”

“Henry no that’s-“

“Okay please!” Jen stands with a huff, walking over to where they’re arguing over Ted’s drum set. Judy watches it unfold while she tapes the box she’s just packed the speakers into.

“Henry, you’ve already got his headphone ornament, let Charlie have the drums…” Jen says, as gently as she can but Judy knows she’s about to flip any minute. Judy stands from the floor them and heads over to them.

“But-“

“Hey Henry would you help me carry this box outside?” Judy asks.

Henry nods with a sigh, and Jen mouths a ‘thanks’ when Judy turns around to give a quick smile. Henry grabs one half of the box while Judy takes the most weight, and she walks backwards carefully to the car, putting it in beside the other bags and boxes they’ve already packed. They’d started tidying after breakfast this morning, Judy’s got the day off work and Jen called in sick, ‘it’s Saturday anyway who the fuck works on Saturday’, she had a mighty hangover this morning but brightened up after taking headache pills and breakfast. Jen had been the one to encourage the boys to help out, a sort of ‘last thing’ they could do for their dad, she didn’t want to keep any of his shit, not after finding out about the affair, but Ted was still their dad after all, and Jen seemed to know how important that was. To have a piece of him. Judy wishes she had a piece of her mom, it’s not the same but-

“Come on Judy these are the last ones.”

Judy nods, closing the trunk that’s now full, they’ll have to use the back seats instead of making two trips.

Judy follows Henry, telling him to be careful when running down the garden. Charlie carries his drums inside and Jen asks Henry to help open the doors for him, he reluctantly agrees.

Judy smiles gently as she closes the door behind them, it’s practically empty in here now, except for her things and the remaining bags. Jen’s sat up against the bed flipping through a photo album it looks like, and Judy lowers herself to the floor to sit beside her.

“Just checking in.” Judy says, “are you alright?”

Jen rolls her eyes but there’s a small smile playing on her face. “I’m fine. It’s strange seeing this room not full of his shit but-“ Jen let’s out a sigh. “I feel better, like I shouldn’t have put it off for this long.”

Judy pats her shoulder, letting her hand rest there. “I’m glad I could help.”

Jen turns her head to look at her with an appreciative smile, and then looks back down.

“Is that Charlie or Henry?” Judy points at the baby pictured in the top right of the album.

“Henry. Camera’s were shit when Charlie was born.” Jen says with a lightly, airy laugh.

“It is good quality.” Judy agrees, tracing over the photo before Jen turns the page.

Judy looks outside, where the boys are carrying the last of the bags inside the car.

“No way, I can’t believe I still have this.” Jen says, prompting Judy to look at the drawing in her hand.

It’s of a girl, a black and white sketch with smudges and shading, she’s looking off towards the side of her, posing unconsciously.

**_The blonde poses beautifully without even knowing it._ **

****

_Wait._ Judy holds her hand out, “can I see that?”

“Sure.” Jen hands it to her gently, the papers a little crinkles from age, a tiny tear in the top corner and creases from where it’s been folded. There’s a whole in the top too, as if it’s been pinned up somewhere before.

Judy frowns, tracing the sketch lines on the page. Of a girl that Judy now believes is Jen, on a subway-

It hits her like a wave would at the ocean, overpowers her and drowning her in the memory. All of a sudden she’s fifteen again, leaning over, **_tapping a strangers knee who looks up immediately and moves a phone away from her face, a questioning smile._**

Judy drops the paper in her hand and turns to Jen, she’s tearing from the memories and- they’re friends now, she’s living with Jen, _her Jen._

“Oh my god-“ Judy cups her hands over her mouth, suddenly taking in every inch of Jen. Her teal blue eyes, her perfectly shaped nose that she captured on the drawing, the smile that’s grown harder with age and hurt and experience yet softer and humble. Judy takes Jen’s hand, remembers holding them and they were always cold, even now, Judy’s warm ones envelop Jen’s.

“Judy what?” Jen laughs, and Judy’s catapulted into the happy memories they shared together, the beach, the swings, sharing pizza on cold work and dance nights.

She doesn’t even know how to tell her, that they’ve known each other all along. That somehow they lost touch, Judy got ripped away from everything she knew, Jen included and dumped in a foster home on what felt like the other side of the world. _What if Jen hates her for not contacting?_ But… There was no way of doing so, Judy never had a phone, that was always the problem. So close to something amazing yet so far away.

Judy must have gotten herself worked up because Jen’s turning to her and pulling her hands away from her face to hold them in between them both. “Judy what are you doing?” Jen shakes her head frowning.

Judy swallows. “I drew this picture Jen.”

Jen tilts her head, picking the drawing up again. “You-“

Judy waits for it to hit her and sees it in waves.

“Oh my-“ Jen’s jaw drops and her eyes stare at the floor as she thinks, as she travels through the past unlocking the few amazing weeks they spent together. It wasn’t long, just one summer in New York City, a random meeting on a subway one evening. A couple of sleepovers, a lot of laughs. Two lonely souls ripped apart and forced to carry on existing without the other even though it felt like loosing an arm, a piece of one another.

“That’s why…” Jen reaches forward and rolls up Judy’s sleeve, showing the crescent tattoo that had only been a drawing in felt tip pen back then. “I remembered this, you used to draw it on yourself and say that when you turned 18 you were gonna get a tattoo just like it, you started to say that that this was the moon and we were the two stars…” Jen traces the outline softly with her finger tip, looking up to meet Judy’s eyes.

“And no matter where we were we could look up at the moon and know…”

“That _we would both be looking at it no matter where we are_.”

They finish in sync and bubble over into laughter, a little tearful, shocked and painful all at once. Judy remembers looking up at the sky after she arrived in her new group home, it had been the first time she hadn’t spoken to Jen. She knew it was the time Jen finished dance when the moon finally appeared in the evening sky, imagined her alone on the subway, headphones as big as the day they met. Weeks after they were torn apart, wondering whether Jen still looked up at the moon for her.

She always did.

“I can’t believe it’s you.” Jen says, taking a look at the drawing again. “I haven’t seen this in years, I think the last time was when we moved here and I transferred everything from New York…”

Judy shakes her head, it seems like a dream that she can’t fully remember but is slowly recalling, putting back pieces of the puzzle.

“So, Ted, is the guy you kissed during spin the bottle?”

Jen grimaces, “please don’t remind me of that party.”

Judy laughs, “it wasn’t pretty.”

“I think I almost threw up afterwards.”

“You kissed me afterwards.”

Judy says and it turns quiet suddenly, as if she’d said something she should but _had_ to be said. Jen nods slowly, not quite smiling but there’s a questionable glint in her eye, a cautiousness, a slight boldness.

“Yeah.” She smiles then, she can’t help it. “I seem to remember you kissing me back.”

“Oh I did.” Judy affirms, a nod of her head.

“This is all-“ Jen shakes her head trying to find the right words.

“Crazy?”

“Yeah, it’s fucking crazy, and I’m sure there’s a lot we wanna talk about, I mean, I’d like to know what happened to you…” Jen says, tilting her head sympathetically.

Judy nods, a tight lipped, half smile.

“But I’m starving so, wanna talk about it later tonight or something? I just, don’t fancy sharing our teenage, sorta romance story with my sons over dinner.” Jen says, offering a hand as a promise, that they _will_ talk about it.

“Come on, Charlie may have killed Henry by now.” Judy takes Jen’s hand, squeezes it once and then uses it to pull her up.

“I swear, if drums are mentioned around the dinner table…”


	12. Coming home to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I’m back. Trying to do 3 essays at once is not fun so I took a lot of breaks to carry on with this. 
> 
> Firstly, another massive thanks to everyone reading. If you have any ideas or prompts you’d like to see please comment them!   
> (Special shout-out to Carrina, here you are hun hope you like it :) ) 
> 
> Secondly, I’m not sure where to take this. I might incorporate the fraud thing and have Judy potentially be linked to the trouble through Steve and the paintings and Jen helps her out? Or who knows? Haha 
> 
> Hope you like this chapter, hopefully it gives a bit of context. 
> 
> :) x

The boys are turning in for the night and Judy is taking her time with Henry, he wanted a story before bed; they’re reading Harry Potter, and while Henry usually slows the process by asking a lot of questions during reading, she would know, Jen can’t help but worry that Judy is stalling. She knows it’s stupid but once they’d caught up with the universe and realised who they were, and had been, to each other, her stomach had warmed but had sparked a pain, hundreds of questions and guilt. All those years ago she’d promised to keep Judy’s secret, and she couldn’t-didn’t, and Jen knows it’s stupid to blame herself because _obviously_ it was the right thing to do, but after seeing that drawing and Judy and remembering everything it’s as if she was a teenager all over again, crying for hours on end in her room silently because Judy had just disappeared and she’d believed it was her fault. No matter how many times her mom had assured her she was just protecting Judy by telling her the truth she blamed herself for Judy getting taken away, she assumed by the police or social workers, knew Judy didn’t want anyone like that involved and that even if she did see her she may not ever want to speak to Jen again.

Jen gathers her thoughts while changing into her pyjamas for the night, once she’s finished folding her clothes away she heads downstairs and locates the drawing, pausing to take it in again. She looks so young, carefree, it makes her wish she was that age again, worrying about whether she’d remember her dance correctly or what poem to use for an English assignment her school forced her to complete instead of about mortgages and cheating husbands and…death. Not that she regrets her life, maybe a few decisions she made but, she’s ended up with two amazing children, a lovely home and a decent job. There are a lot worse things that she could be.

Jen hears the door of Henry’s bedroom door close and the padding of Judy’s feet along the upstairs hallway, so she quickly takes the photo, checks that the doors are locked and the lights are off, and then heads upstairs. The bedroom door creaks as she opens it slowly, Judy turns around with a smile, already wrapped up in checkered pyjamas that look slightly too large for her. Jen smiles at the sight softly and walks further inside.

“Henry asleep?”

Judy nods. “Didn’t even reach the end of the chapter.” She says as if she’s actually quite upset about that.

“Sorry.” Jen says with a fond roll of her eyes. “Oh,” she holds the drawing up and makes sure Judy sees as she takes folds it inside of an old frame that was empty on her desk, then she takes it to her bedside drawers and places it carefully on top, tilting it until it’s perfectly in display. “There we are.”

And Judy can’t resist anymore, she walks around the bed and engulfs Jen in a hug. There are hugs that are of gentle arms, that still gives the space to breathe, and then there are the hugs with strong arms that tells everything that your are - body, brain and soul - that they are with you. Judy’s is the latter, her arms wrap around Jen’s neck, linking at the back while she rests her head against the side of Jen’s. Blonde hair practically tangling into brunette, melding together as Judy squeezes her with everything she has. Once she regains the air that had been knocked out of her, Jen hugs back just as tightly, an ‘I missed you’, ‘we’re here, _together_ now’, perhaps an ‘I love you and I think I always did’.

Just when the world seems to melt away around them, Judy pulls back, only slightly though, just enough to take Jen’s hands between them, cupping her fingers, and look into her eyes. “I’m sorry about your mom, I only just realised- when I was reading a story to Henry, there was a photograph of him and your dad that I must not have seen when I first got here….” Judy says quietly, sympathetic eyes meeting Jen’s.

Jen doesn’t say anything, she just nods, Judy understands, she always does.

They gravitate towards the bed, sliding all the way inside until they’re sat against the headboard and the sheets are pulled up to their waists. It’s hard to know where to start, so much has happened. Jen thinks back to the day after telling her mom about Judy, remembers answering even more questions about it that next morning. It’s mostly a hazed memory, something she’d rather forget, it was the first time she’d truly felt as if she’d lost someone even though Judy was just gone, not _gone_ gone, she’d practically grieved their friendship for weeks after until it got too hard, until keeping up with college and dance and her extra curricular activity in the Chicago show-helping with backstage wasn’t exactly fun but it gave her experience, a way in-had overwhelmed the deep sadness about losing her best friend. It was a distraction until it wasn’t, until it become what she lived and breathed for.

She wants to know about Judy and where she went, what happened to her mom, what she studied in college, whether she got another waitressing job, how she met Steve, _why_ she met Steve because what on _earth_ did Judy do to deserve _that._ Jen starts easy though.

“Do you remember that time I didn’t catch the train _once_ and you thought I was friend breaking up with you?”

Judy slaps her on the shoulder lightly, “stop!” And her cheeks turn red. “That’s so embarrassing!.” Judy shakes her head, “and it was more than once.”

“It was sweet.” Jen pouts jokingly mirroring Judy’s, and she receives another light slap to the side of her cheek, it’s more of a pat, and Judy’s hands are freezing so she takes it and brings them under the coves for warmth.

Judy shakes her head, looking over at the turned off tv with a distant look in her eye, in deep thought as her laughter dies down. “I still _can’t_ believe it, you’re here, _we’re_ here together after all this time.”

Jen nods in silent agreement, noticing a wave of sadness overcome Judy’s features. It’s too late to stop and the tears spill from Judy’s eyes, “sorry! God” Judy sniffles, a choking sound escaping from her throat as she tries to compose herself, “I don’t even know why I’m crying.”

Jen shakes her head, “I have no answers for you there honey…” she says, letting out a sigh. Her thumb runs circles over Judy’s knuckles.

“I felt so _sad,_ for such a long time after.” Judy admits, using her other hand to dry under her nose and her damp cheeks, wringing the sheets tightly in her fist when she lets it fall back to the bed. “It was horrible, I _loved_ being with you, I wish we had more time together then…”

Jen feels herself welling up and bites down on her lip to stop the sob escaping, goosebumps cover her arms and she has to take a shuddering breath before replying. “Me too.” She manages before feeling a tear roll down her cheek and she says “fuck” under her breath and as Judy turns to her she can’t hold them back anymore. Her shoulders collapse and she has to look away from Judy’s concerned eyes.

“God Jen, we make a pair don’t we?” Judy says, shuffling forward to lean into Jen’s arms, opening instinctively for Judy, who melts into her chest as she lays against the blonde.

Jen can’t speak, so she nods against Judy’s head and tries to count _seconds or whatever_ to calm herself because it feels like she’s sinking, suffocating and Judy’s her anchor, the one that grounds her and always has. But she’s sinking too, Jen holds her tight as she cries even more, but at least she’s not alone, she can be _sad_ just...with _her_.

She finds a way to cheer her up once she’s collected her own emotions which are a mix of sadness, relief and grief. Jen kissed her head and spots the moon outside, it’s crescent shaped tonight and Jen thanks whatever is up there, thanks the universe for it, she points it out to Judy who sits up to see, awe in her teary eyes as she gazes outside through the window, the view from Jen’s bed capturing the starry night perfectly. It serves as a happy reminder of star gazing at the lake with Judy, and she turns to look at her now, the same purity and beauty radiating from her as it did back then, Jen wonders how still, she manages to be the light amongst the darkest times, the star upon the blackest of nights.

Judy catches her staring and smiles anyway, Jen can’t find it in her to be embarrassed at being caught gazing at her friend, she just keeps looking, a look of adoration and love.

Judy tells her about her foster families, the Russell’s, the Jackson’s who she thought were so cool because they had the same name as the singing group, Emily and David, William and Lisa, and by the time Judy’s finished giving her a description of her time at each and every single one of them she finds her fists clenching, she wants to punch them all for even daring to give someone as amazing as Judy up. The first end up deciding fostering isn’t there thing, Judy was their first child and Judy said she was too much for them. The Jackson’s had her for the winter, Judy recalls spending Christmas Day with them and their other children, Elliot and Katie, there was Christmas lights and food and Christmas movies. It was one of her first Christmases where she felt part of the festive spirit instead of on the outside of it, her mom didn’t used to do much for the day but Judy liked to decorate her room anyway with paper tree decorations and handmade holly. It wasn’t as if she got as much presents as their _real_ kids kid, Judy says, but remembers receiving a new pair of shoes that she wore every day after, until they had sellotape around the souls and holes in the front and Judy had to give them up. By new year she was back in the group home, the Jackson’s deciding on trying for another baby. Judy doesn’t talk much about Emily and David, apart from how they were a fairly old, conservative type couple with a cat. Lisa and William were her last before she went off to college, Judy tells her Lisa was like an angel sent from god, she was so kind and cared about everything, her husband William was the problem. Jen discovers he was most likely an alcoholic, and those and foster children never mix well.

Jen wishes she hasn’t had to go through all that, Judy says it was rough but she doesn’t wish to change any of it, it’s “ _character building and made me who I am today”_ she says with a shrug. “ _And it ended up leading me back to you_.”

A whir of guilt crawls it’s way into the pit of her stomach, a younger, more naïve self telling her how this is _all her fault_. She distracts herself by brushing a hair away from Judy’s eyes and slotting it behind her ear, hand lingering for a little bit to tell her “I think you’re amazing.”

Judy shyly raises her shoulders, leaning into Jen’s hand until it falls back to her own lap. Judy misses it there, so she reaches for Jen’s hand and holds it in one of her own. “I think _you_ are.”

Jen’s throat clams up, and she nearly cries again because Judy truly means that, and no one has ever been as kind as she is towards her. No ones ever said she’s _amazing_ , she isn’t. But Judy thinks she is and that’s coming from the most wonderful fucking person that has ever _walked the earth_.

Judy makes her brave enough to tell her about her mom, how one day she was so sick that she couldn’t get out of bed. Jen remembers it like yesterday.

**_Blood. So much blood, Jen tries to avert her eyes while her dad wipes it from around her moms mouth but she can’t look away, like when there’s a car accident and something sick and perverse makes you want to see what happened. Her eyes are transfixed on her mom, so much that she doesn’t hear the paramedic team barge through the door and ask her to step aside. She jolts out of her trance when a lady moves her to the side gently with a nudge to her shoulder._ **

****

**_Her dad stands aside, his arms coming up to his head, hooking them behind his neck. Blood is on his t shirt, the sheets, the littered tissues._ **

****

**_Jen feels sick. She has to leave, grab a glass of water and count to ten to ease the nausea. She feels dizzy and she’s desperately trying not to cry._ **

****

**_For some reason it didn’t feel like the other times, when her mom was carried out in the stretcher it felt like an ending, it felt like she wasn’t coming home._ **

****

****

“I was 19, my dad basically fell apart after that by ignoring his grief and working non stop, he’d barely talk to me.” Jen scoffs then, leaning her head on the back of her hand, arm propped up against the headboard. “I guess I’m more like my dad than I realise.” After Ted she’d basically done the same thing.

“My grandma Lynn insisted I stay with her for a while even, my dad wasn’t eating, he was drunk a lot of the time, and he barely left his office. By the time I’d left college I’d only visit on occasions, Christmas, birthdays, moms anniversary, until eventually all that stopped too.” Jen doesn’t know if she’d want a relationship with him now, so much has happened, she might not even recognise him on the street. The last time she’d seen him was when Henry was born, Charlie had met him twice, he’d not contacted and she hadn’t either. Last she knew he was living in North Dakota with his partner Stefanie and her son who never left home Nathaniel. It’s ironic, she’d give anything to have her mom back here, for her boys to be able to meet her, while she doesn’t even speak to the parent that’s still around.

“I don’t speak to my mom either, you’ve probably figured-“ Judy starts, “She was arrested and I had to give evidence at court through video, they told me to tell the truth and I did and that’s why she’s there.”

“No, she’s there because she broke the law, she dabbled into drugs and whatever else-“

“They found a large jewellery collection when they searched the trailer, she’d stolen it, obviously.” Judy adds.

“See, it’s not your fault.”

Judy shrugs. “She thinks so.”

“Well, who cares what she thinks?”

“Me, I shouldn’t but-“ Judy stutters, there is no sensible reason why she still cares, she knows that much, Abe had always told her to not care about what she thinks, he didn’t believe in ‘deserves’ but he’d always said her mom didn’t deserve Judy’s time or care.

“But you do because she’s your mom and for a long time, she’s all you knew.” Jen says, it sounds like the whole situation with her and Ted, she shouldn’t have cared what he thought about her _fucking titless_ _chest_ but she did, doesn’t anymore-he’s dead, at least she’s free now, because for all those years it was only him, she’d never _strayed or been a fucking cheater_ like he had.

“Yeah.” Judy says, smiling because Jen understands, she always does.

…

“That is so amazing!”

Jen tilts her head coyly. “It’s-“

“You’re practically a west end star.” Judy gushes.

They moved on from the heavy stuff to college, scholarships which Judy had applied for, like Jen had advised, dance and Jen’s few shows she performed in, ‘Chicago’, ‘Wiked’ and ‘My fair Lady’ were the main ones. Judy’s astonishment and then pride made Jens heart flutter, Judy saying she’s proud of her is probably the best thing she’s ever heard.

“I’m sad that you stopped dancing.” Judy says then, a pout on her lips.

“Ted was the only one allowed to pursue his hobby.” Jen says, a sarcasm lacing her tone. She rolls her eyes in disgust, she can’t believe that she ever stood for that, but someone had to be the responsible one for the kids, she couldn’t exactly leave them home alone while she fled to a dance class and Ted banged his head in a club to music for inspiration _or whatever he fuck he did_. She’s quite glad she was the one to give up what she wanted because it gives her a bonus, something to bring up to Lorna when she’s criticising her parenting skills. It proves she is a half decent mom at least, despite the boys often favouriting Ted, she could tell.

“You should go to a dance class again, I’m sure they do some around here.” Judy suggests. Jen loves the fact she even mentions it, she wouldn’t have even thought about going to one until Judy offered it up so hopefully and encouragingly.

“Maybe.” She decides, she doubts she’ll find the time though, with work and the boys, but then remembers with Judy she’s got less of a weight on her shoulders. She can do all of that and go to a dance class, if she wants. Judy gives her options, something she never had with Ted.

It feels tainted with what she did, and it feels wrong to even think about Judy giving her options and freedom and love and car when she’s half the reason her mom isn’t here, the reason Judy spent half of her life feeling unloved, small, belittled.

Jen turns, “Judy you know-“ she has to tell her. She was angry when Judy had lied about Steve and now she’s lying about this, Judy would be heartbroken if she kept it a secret any longer.

So she doesn’t. Jen tells her everything, and watches as Judy’s face expresses every emotion, shock, surprise, hurt, pain, all of it. When Jen says she told her mom about what Judy had been made to do she’d looked angry but tried to hide it, fists clenching and nails curving into fair skin instead of releasing the anger at Jen. But then when Jen takes her hand Judy let’s her, leaning into her as the memory of her mom being dragged away comes back to her. Jen asks about what happened, Judy tells her about the police showing up, taking Eleanor to the prison and charging her, assures her once she’d realised her frustration is fruitless that if Jen hadn’t told Samantha about the drugs then someone else would have eventually, or she’d have been arrested for the stolen jewellery she’d hidden for god knows how long. Judy goes onto say that everything happens for a reason, maybe if Jen hadn’t had told Samantha and she hadn’t reported it, they wouldn’t be here together today, Judy’s forgiving and lovely and understanding like that, Jen believes she doesn’t deserve her, no one does. She’s a real life angel, she was then and is now. Her compassion and kindness still shocks Jen every time, it shouldn’t because they’re two things that practically run through Judy’s veins.

“I thought you’d be mad at me.” Jen admits once the conversation slows.

Judy shakes her head. “If it was the other way round I’d have done, I’d have been so worried about you getting hurt. I wouldn’t be able to help myself.”

Jen nods. “I was, I thought-god, anything could’ve happened.”

“I know, I wish-“ Judy grits her teeth, “I wish that I’d had the strength to say no to her, but I never could.”

“Maybe you should start saying no more in general.”

Judy winces sarcastically, “even when you ask me for a hug?”

Jen frowns, “what? I never asked you for-“ she shakes her at at Judy’s smirk, pulling her teeth between her lips. Jen opens her arms wordlessly and Judy crawls into them, Jen’s legs are under one of Judy’s as she creeps impossibly closer. Jen let’s her chin rest on the top of Judy’s head, hands hook over one of Judy’s shoulders.

Telling Judy didn’t push her away or make her mad at all, it just made them even closer.

*

“I do have a question.”

Jen starts with the next morning, while Judy plates up scrambled eggs and pours orange juice and Jen washes the dishes. Judy hands her the empty orange juice carton and she tosses it in the trash momentarily, drying wet hands on the towel.

“About?”

Judy hands her a plate and rounds the breakfast bar to sit at a stool, waiting to start eating until Jen joins her. She sits and reaches for the glasses of juice and hands Judy one.

“Steve.” Jen deadpans, raising one eyebrow at Judy.

Judy upturns her lip, “do we have to?”

“Well-“ Jen takes a sip of orange juice, it leaves orange residue around her lips which she kicks off, Judy turns away back to her own plate questioning _why she even noticed that?_ “I wanna know first of all why you got with that douche-y bag of shit.”

Judy coughs, muttering “douche-it” under her breath as a joke.

“Well?”

Judy shrugs.

“Wait did you say douche-it?” Jen says, an amused look on her face.

Judy nods, spooning in a mouthful of egg, coughing slightly because she’s sprinkled too much pepper over it.

Jen laughs and Judy smiles back, she loves making Jen laugh, it’s on the list of some of her favourite things to.

“God…” Jen shakes her head despite herself, taking another gulp of orange juice to wash down her food, that’s not uncooked in the slightest unlike her eggs would be.

There’s a few minutes where they’re just eating and Jen guesses Judy doesn’t wanna talk about him but then Judy scrapes her plate clean with her toast and says, “we met a few years ago, I’d just got back from travelling to Paris and he was starting a gallery up, it was one of the opening days and I went in their to look, he looked so handsome and business like-“

Judy makes gestures with her hands when she speaks, and Jen finds it quite distracting.

“I complimented the lace, and he asked if I painted, obviously I said yes and he asked to take a look, the next day I carted a few of my paintings in my car and asked him outside to take a look. He said they were amazing, he was the first person to really take them in, other than Abe.” Judy turns to Jen then, pouting with a tilt of her head to say “and you of course”, sweetly. “He asked me out afterwards, just for a date down by the beach, nothing fancy… Then things went really fast from there. I got pregnant about a year into our relationship, not planned or anything but I really wanted them-“ Judy gets a distant look in her eye and Jen’s hand wanders to Judy’s wrist, traces circles on her skin comfortingly. “Steve wasn’t sure at first, but then we talked and he got on board. He was excited, we decorated a nursery, blue and with red cars painted on the walls because he was sure it was a boy, when I lost the baby he-“ Judy shakes her head, moves her arm from under Jen’s so she can hold her hand instead. “I knew he blamed me, he never outright said it but the way he acted afterwards, he was so distant but not because of grief, he was angry, he resisted for so long, he made excuses to go out at night and organised way too many meetings during the day because he couldn’t be around me without losing it.”

Jen wills herself to calm down, but just like the other day when Steve had come barging in here, she finds herself clenching her free hand in a fist. She notices Judy has stopped and leans forward to meet her eyes, “carry on,” she encourages with a gentle smile.

Judy nods, her hand squeezes Jen’s for strength. “One night, he’d been out with his friends and he’d been drinking and something just switched, I expressed my worry about his drinking and he-“ Judy chokes up as her vision goes blurry, the kitchen counter becomes a big white blob as the tears well. “He threw a glass at me, I stepped out of the way but it really frightened me.”

_Fucking piece of shit,_ she wants to say. Instead she rubs Judy’s back soothingly, apologising.

“It’s not your fault.” Judy says, “don’t say sorry.”

“I am though, it’s not fair that you’ve had to deal with all this shit.” Jen hisses almost with fury, _how can there be a fucking god when Judy’s been treated this way?_ There isn’t, _that’s how._

Judy just gives her a half smile, tight lipped. “He apologised after it, I’ve never been able to tell when people are just saying sorry to _say_ it and not actually mean it, my mom did it all the time, I’d always forgive her, I always forgave him. He said we should try again, and we did, and I lost it again. And again. And again.”

“Fuck Judy I’m so sorry.”

“All I ever wanted was a family, it’s why I tried so many times to make it work with Steve even though it was never truly right since my first miscarriage, he became worse, shouting all the time, covering up holes in the wall where he’d hit them, he’s the picture of professionalism on the outside, all smiles. No one would believe me if I told them what he’s really like.”

“I would. I do.”

Judy looks up, running her hand over Jen’s, “I _know_ , thank you.”

Jen pauses for a second, taking in Judy, even when a slobbering mess she’s beautiful. Her eyelashes are long and dainty, they flicker up to her, wide eyes peering underneath. Tear tracks line her cheeks, she can see where each and every one has raced down, dropped off her pointed chin. Jen follows her lips, to her nose and reaches her chocolate brown pools of emotions, they’re staring back at her.

Jen smiles, “and, you do have a family, here with us.”

Judy’s eyes beam, a shimmer of hope. “Really?”

Jen’s eyebrows crease, “yeah,” as if she’d even question it.

Judy clams up again and Jen pouts, “oh honey that was supposed to make you feel better.”

“It does, more than you know.”

Jen smiles. “Good, the boys will be down soon.” She says, checking Judy’s reasonably okay with a glance before standing to tidy away their plates.

“Let’s do something fun today! I don’t wanna cry anymore.” Judy slides her plate towards Jen and thanks her for cleaning her plate away.

Jen raises her eyebrows, glad to have this Judy back, the one that makes her feel young and free again. “Like what?”

Judy stands and comes to stand behind Jen while she washes up the plates, in a rush of overwhelming love for Jen and her _family_ she wraps her arms around Jen in a hug, leaning her cheek against Jen’s shoulder from behind. Jen laughs lightly and brushes a wet hand over one of hers.

“Surprise me!”

Judy says, slapping Jen’s backside before jogging towards the guesthouse with a cocky smile.

“Wait what-“ Jen throws the dish towel her way and it falls to the floor before reaching Judy, she smirks and shakes her head as she hears Judy’s laugh as she walks to the guesthouse to get dressed for the day. That’s she’s apparently planning, and will do so because Judy deserves a ‘fun’ day, she’d asked for it and Jen will be sure to do everything to give it to her.

She recruits the boys and asks them what there is to do on a random weekend afternoon, Henry mentions the zoo but Jen is _shit_ scared of any animal that’s bigger than her, so she pretends to ignore that suggestion by asking if there’s anything else that interests them. Charlie brings up the theme park and then the two are adamant on going, Henry tells Jen how Judy had lit up a few days ago when he mentioned it was in town, and Charlie backs him up by saying “you said just wanted fun? _This_ is fun.”

So she agrees and books them wristbands online for that afternoon. Now, she’ll just have to avoid as many rides as possible and encourage the boys to take Judy on all of them which she wants to go on because, well… it’s like the zoo.

She’s _fucking shit scared_ of heights.


	13. Judy Anne Hale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 
> 
> It’d mean a lot if you could all check out my cover to Olivia Rodrigo’s new song Drivers License, https://youtu.be/BF7yKJtgAc8  
> Someone should defo write a Jen and Judy fic to it. 
> 
> This chapter took me a while, but hopefully I’ve started a new little narrative by the seed I planted further on in this chapter. This is also a lot of dialogue, I hope you like it! 
> 
> :)

“Kids come on there’s gonna be traffic already, if we wanna actually get to where we’re going we have to leave…” Jen fusses over her hair in the mirror hung in the hallway, blowing stray pieces away from her face. “-like now.” She shouts when there are no signs of movement.

It’s stressful enough planning a day out never mind one with two excited kids and a Judy, who shares that excitement even though she has no idea where they’re going yet. Judy keeps pestering her asking where it is they’re heading, even wages her wide puppy dog eyes and a pout, _she knows_ Jen can’t stand it, and she almost relents when Judy hooks her hands around the back of her neck and brings her face close to her, whispering in her ear “please tell me Jen”, but she _doesn’t._ Judy’s still unaware of the surprise and she’s getting a little impatient.

Despite being in the dark she’s packed them all a lunch up and some drinks, Jen had said it was a slightly longer car ride than ones within their usual proximity and Judy had been trying to guess where abouts it is since. She’s currently packing the car up, whizzing past her to go to the car with bags and bottles in hand. That reminds Jen to key the sat nav in before they go, so she tells Judy to tell Charlie and Henry they’re not going if they aren’t downstairs in 2 minutes. Judy salutes her, physically with two fingers and _clicks_ her tongue, and Jen raises her eyes brows at her amusedly before heading to the car.

It’s a few minutes later when they get in the car, then they have to wait again because _of course_ Henry has to go and pee, and then finally, they’re on the road and Judy’s practically bouncing in her seat beside her, mirroring Henry’s excitement in the back seat. The journey is fine, the roads are actually fairly empty and Jen’s glad because they set off late as it is, especially for a theme park that’s going to definitely be busy on a Saturday afternoon. Judy starts little games with them all, eye spy, association, one word story; that gets very interesting, especially when Judy’s character Cleo ends up on a spaceship singing to Jesus songs while fighting off the mafia. _(As if Henry even knows what the fucking mafia is?)_

They’re nearing closer now and Judy’s looking out of the window trying to guess where they’re going, she sees a go karting place and asks if that’s where they’re going, a beach, a shopping centre, Jen shakes her head to all of them, earning her a huff from Judy.

“Can you at least give me one clue?” Judy asks, looking through the mirror at Charlie and Henry who’re averting there eyes trying not to spill the secret.

Jen stays quiet, and then smirks, “look, there’s your clue-“ pointing in front of them.

It takes Judy a while but when she sees the rollercoasters peeking out in the distant mist she squeals and claps her hands together, it makes Jen jump but she refrains from saying anything, clutching the wheel as she glances at Judy at a stop light.

“How’s that for a surprise?” Jen says cockily, she’s actually managed to do something nice for once. Even if it means she may have a heart attack at some point today, probably the point where Judy takes her on the _fucking Ferris wheel_ and she says yes because she does _that face_ that Jen can’t refuse.

“Best surprise ever!” Judy beams, “I can’t wait! I haven’t been to a theme park before.”

“Seriously?” Charlie asks before Jen can. Although she can’t imagine Steve or Eleanor taking her so it makes sense.

Judy just nods, steering the topic to how excited she is to try the rollercoasters.

“We’ll show you the best ones, dad used to take us here all the time.” Henry says.

Judy must have noticed her tensing at that, and she rests a hand over hers on the gear stick.

“Can’t wait!” Judy says, flicking the radio back up until they arrive.

*

“Come on mom!”

“Yeah how long’s it take to change your shoes…”

“I’m almost done!” Jen shoves her left foot into the flats, replacing her signature black heels, she’s glad Judy had packed for her because the car park is on gravel, she’s sure her tyres are ruined after driving on it.

“Quick before the lines get long-“

“Alright!” Jen huffs, it’s a fairly hot day and her hair is _sticking_ to her face. “Done.”

Judy offers her hand to pull her up and out of the car seat and she accepts, locking the car with her free hand and just _not letting go_ right up until they have to put on their wrist bands and she kind of has to. Judy asks Jen to do hers and vice versa, when Judy’s finished putting Jen’s on their eyes flicker up and meet, capturing each other’s gaze until Charlie tells them to hurry up because the lines moving. Judy smiles and jogs to catch up with Charlie and Henry, Jen hangs back for a bit, watching as Judy wraps one arm around Henry and hooks her other through a reluctant Charlie, her smile gets wider when she sees him laugh the next minute.

“Jen?”

Judy outstretches her hand and Jen strides over, taking it with a content smile and walking through the barrier to the park, she winces at the screams that hit her as she walks amongst the crowds of kids and families but she’s here, with hers, Judy’s hand squeezing gently reminds her of that, and that’s all she needs.

…

They stick fairly close together as they navigate the park, Jen and Judy watch as Henry and Charlie go on a few of the rides, Judy’s brought her camera with her, a little Kodak one that you take lots on and then print; she’s going to make a photo wall afterwards apparently, every so often Judy snaps a picture of them all, mainly Henry and Charlie who pose with their heads through the walls displaying ice cream cartoon characters or the sun and moon. Judy even gets Jen to stick her head through the moon one while she puts hers through the sun, Charlie snaps the photo and Judy’s pretty sure Jen’s frowning on it, she hears another click when Jen starts laughing though so she’s satisfied with that.

Around 2pm the kids are hungry, and Charlie is itching to go around the park with Henry by itself so he can take him on the big rides without Jen’s lecture before each of them, and Jen agrees to give them money and meet them back near the exit around 5pm, that should give enough time to get on a good amount of rides even with the lines. She makes sure they have money for food and then they’re heading off into the crowds of bustling people not looking back, she turns to Judy and smiles to block out the worry.

“Wanna go grab a burger or something? Vegetarian for you obviously.” Jen asks, smirking as flashes of burger vans, benches and late city nights pass through her head.

“Sure! Then after can we go on the rides? I really wanna try the one where you sit on the motorbike seats it looks so cool!”

_Ha. Fuck._

Jen turns to Judy, who looks as if she’s trying to contain all of her excitement, seriously, she may as well join the line for the tea cup rides because she’s basically a fucking adorable child.

*

“So, what do you wanna do? We can check out the arcades or…” Jen secretly hopes Judy’s forgotten about the motorbike ride, or _all of them._ The burger full of grease, onions and melted cheese will definitely be making an appearance, Jen guesses when Judy scans the park and then drags her by the hand into the sea of people. Jen trips over her own feet as she tries to keep a hold of Judy as they push their way through the crowd of people lining up for some pirate ship ride or something. When they emerge from the sweaty crowd, Jen composes herself and pushes her hair back. She wishes she’d tied it back because it feels like it’s fifty _fucking_ degrees and her forehead is sweating.

“Can we go on it?”

Judy points to the Ferris wheel she’d pulled them too, not the motorbike ride Jen notices, and she takes in the tall, moving _death machine_ and her heart beats a little faster as the carriages come past their heads.

“You wanna go on that?”

_Shit. That was her hard ass bitch image flushed down the toilet._

“Sure! Sure” God no. It’s probably the most terrifying thing she’s ever seen, but Judy can’t know that. _No way. Nope._

Judy gasps and quickly pulls them towards the line, it seems quite long so Jen figures she has time to try make up an excuse or at least prepare herself to go on that moving death trap.

“The boys will think we’re awesome after this” Judy beams beside her, unfazed by the rattling carriages and screaming customers looming over the park .

“Then it’s totally worth it, yeah” _fucking worth it? It’s not worth it, risking our lives but no danger, the boys will think we’re fucking cool and shit. Can’t wait._ Jen knew Judy would end up being some adrenaline seeker or _something._

“Smile!”

Jen jumps as a flash flickers in her face and a click sounds near her ear, _that photo will be unflattering_ , and Jen hates how she pouts when turning to Judy and begging her to stop taking photos.

“One more-“ Judy holds it out in front of them both and then huffs, “wait-“

She ends up asking the person beside them to take a picture, and while Jen was reluctant at first she can’t deny the smile that grows on her lips when Judy side hugs her and says ‘cheese’ (out loud) for the photo, thanking the young girl afterwards profusely.

A good half an hour later and they finally reach the front of the line, it had been a full 30 minutes of Judy wittering about anything and everything. It’s nice to just listen, and Jen could do it every day until the end of time if it was Judy speaking.

“Let’s go ladies-“

A deep, miserable voice urges them forward past the barrier, Jen side eyes Judy with a turn of her lip and Judy beams at the man, Jen’s surprised she doesn’t ask how his days going, they’re lead to a cart and the operator opens it for them, it wobbles as they climb in and her heart would probably be falling out of her ass right now if it wasn’t already logged in her throat. Jen tries to slow her frantic breathing as she lowers herself into the seat next to Judy, her hands wringing in front of her. Jen hopes Judy didn’t notice them trembling, she seemingly doesn’t as she turns to Jen and grins, flashing her pearly whites as she extends her hand towards her, and Jen grabs it quicker than usual, it makes Judy frown a little. The operator slams the carriage shut and tells them in a monetary tone, “enjoy your ride” and the cart closing makes Jen jump in her seat, which she tries to hide with a cough.

“Okay?”

Jen just nods and turns her head to look forwards. She feels Judy’s grip begin to slip and in a flash of panic she grips the younger woman’s hand tighter, her palms sweating.

“Are you scared?” Judy asks and before Jen can deny it, a fearful gasp erupts as she feels the wheel start to move.

Judy tuts and squeezes Jens hand. “Jen! You should have said something I’m sorry-“

“No, no, I’m fine I-oh my fucking…” Jen’s eyes glue shut after she takes a look down and they’re about a fucking thousand miles from the ground, everyone and everything looking like dots.

“Jen breathe…it’s fine we’ll be down soon” Judy rubs her hand up and down over Jen’s knuckles, they’re white from squeezing so hard. They’re only about half way up to the top. She dreads the drop down.

“Really because it feels like we’re about to fucking die”

Judy tugs her hand, “look at me Jen”, she grips it and Jen turns to her, her eyes mad and panicky, looking as if they were about to pop out of her head.

“I promise you, we’re gonna be-“

A sudden jolt of the ride makes Jen let out a scream and even Judy flinches as they stop. It doesn’t carry on moving, they’re about ¾ of the way up to the peak of the wheel, the park looks like a painting, people spill into grass and benches and arcades like watercolours, green pours into orange from the artificial lights, the ground is non existent.

“What happened?” Jen asks, her eyes closed again, squeezing shut.

“It’s alright…” Judy says, she turns to look out of the window in awe, smitten by the view. It’s like when you look out of an aeroplane but in more detail, things are sharper and closer yet blurred, it feels as if they’re in a simulation, everything mechanically working on the ground while they watch over it from up in the air. There’s a stillness, Judy basks in it.

Jen’s eyes slowly peek open, wet from panic, _fuck she knew she was going to have a heart attack today._ Judy turns back around to her, smiling reassuringly. Her hand swipes a tear that had escaped from Jen’s cheek and she whispers that she’s sorry. She _shouldn’t_ be sorry, and Jen tells her as much, she vows internally to never let Judy say sorry for anything that’s not worth it again, she’d noticed how it had become part of her core vocabulary. _Fucking Steve._ Jen looks out of the window then, her heart quickens as she realises just how far they are up in the air, it’s not as bad as when flying, but at least when flying she’s _drunk_ or unconscious. Jen looks up at the sky and clouds, it feels close enough to touch.

“You should take a picture.” Jen says, her voice seemingly steadier.

Judy agrees and takes out her camera, pressing it against the window to capture the view. Judy rests the camera against the seat across from them, sliding up in the seat closer to Jen.

“It’s so peaceful.” Judy says. Jen wonders _how_ because they could literally drop to the floor and _die_ any time, but she nods anyway. “Like our own bubble and no one else can see or hear us.” Judy adds, tilting her head to Jen to give her a sweet smile.

_Fuck,_ everything about Judy makes Jen want to _melt_ , they’re stood still in a rickety Ferris wheel cart with potential to _kill_ them yet all Jen can think about is how warm her chest feels when Judy smiles at her like that, how she wants to trace the lines framing her mouth, brush her lips with hers just because. Like they did once before, Jen smiles then, remembering Judy sitting on her lap on the swing set in a scrubby old park, the chains covered in rust, the seat with holes in it, Judy’s thighs warming up hers and lips working together in a turn that only they knew about.

“Yeah I guess it is.” Jen replies, delayed by memories of what once was, the hope of what _could be again._

If it happened once, Jen would’ve ignored it, but she watches _again_ as Judy’s gaze falls to her lips and back up to her eyes, she seems to get lost in them, flickering from one to the other. Jen feels her cheeks colour as realisation dawns on her, _does Judy want to kiss her_? Suddenly the cart has become too hot, the heat and tension and the slither of desire bubbling around them. The stillness overwhelming. Jen swallows and takes a slowing breath, a magnetic energy pulling her towards Judy.

She thinks she leans in, but Judy could’ve done first, she doesn’t know because within a second all she can taste, feel is Judy’s soft lips around hers, moving slowly, testing the waters. And then her own hand automatically appears on Judy’s jaw, tilting her closer, embracing whatever this is, whatever it could lead to. Jen wants it to lead to something she thinks, her lips press further and her tongue swipes slowly across Judy’s lips, asking whether Judy wants it too. Jen releases a breath when Judy softens further, grants her access, let’s her lips dance with Jen’s like the ocean brushing tenderly upon the sand. Judy’s breath shudders, and she stops for a moment to take a breath, leaning against Jen’s forehead with the widest smile before she leans in again freely, a combination of teeth and laughing and relieved sighs. In that kiss was passion, memories consented into once touch. It was coming home, finally.

*

There’s no time for _anything_ apart from work, food and sleep recently, though the latter is hard to come by. The kids are more of a stress than they usually are because of Henry’s rehearsals (he’s extremely serious about nailing his solo for Holy Harmonies, it’s Judy’s first time watching) and Charlie’s caught up in exams, he’s stressed. Both Jen and Judy can tell, and Judy tries to help in anyway she can; she was good at school, Jen remembers, especially the social subjects like History and English. They’ve not had time for each other, but mornings are always better with Judy freshly out of the guesthouse preparing breakfast for them all, and nights are cosy, warm, especially the ones where Judy’s too tired to go to her own room, or it’s raining, and she stays in Jen’s room. Since their kiss, neither of them have thought to bring up how much they enjoyed it, how much they want it to happen again. Honestly, there isn’t time. Money is tight, Jen doesn’t remember how it got this way but before she knows it she’s telling Judy she can barely swing the mortgage for that month.

It’s Friday night where they finally get some space, Henry is at Shandy’s house for her birthday party and Charlie’s with Natalie, who he swears isn’t his girlfriend but Jen thinks otherwise. Judy had been the one to persuade Jen in the first place to let him go and see a movie with her, a drive in one, in _her_ car.

Jen doesn’t want to think about _that_ though, or the condoms she swore she saw Judy slip into his hand before he left earlier on. What she does want to think about, is the large glass of wine Judy’s pouring that’s calling to her. It’s a new one, an expensive one, and it tastes like fireworks exploding in her mouth, it’s _so_ good.

“So, I have a proposal?”

It doesn’t sound like one, Judy’s voice is hesitant and unsure, it sounds like she’s asking if Jen has one instead of the other way round.

“Go on…” Jen cocks her head.

“Well,” Judy leans forward to rest her glass on the coffee table. “I was thinking the other night about our money problem.”

“My money problem,” Jen interrupts, “I don’t want you to worry about that Jude.”

“I’d like to think it’s _our_ problem, I live here don’t I?” Judy says hesitantly, as if maybe she shouldn’t have assumed they’re in this together.

“Yeah of course I-“ Jen rests a hand over Judy’s gently, a way of saying ‘I didn’t mean anything like that and deep down you know it’. “I just didn’t want you worrying about shit like money, I know that-“ Jen clears her throat, looking for a better way to broach the subject Judy hates talking about, “when you were younger you know, you had money problems then. I wanted to think I could take care of you better than that, than _she_ did.”

Judy knows she’s talking about her mom, the way her eyebrows crease and her top lip upturns into a subtle snarl, she doesn’t even say her name and Judy wants to scratch her eyes out until she stops picturing the trailer, the drugs, the vomit encrusted floor and glass covered table. Jen’s hand on hers stops her from spiralling, and she shakes her head, “you aren’t supposed to take care of me.”

“I like to.”

“No, I mean-I’d like to think we take care of each other…” Judy clarifies with a soft smile.

Jen mirrors it, looking down at their hands, she starts tracing over Judy’s knuckles, featherlight touches on soft, warm butter skin.

“So, I want to help, in anyway I can, not just for you but for the kids. Charlie needs a new laptop and I think after the exams he’ll definitely deserve one.”

Jen frowns, “alright but no offence but, you work in an assisted living facility that pays barely above minimum wage which-“ she stammers a little, getting worked up “I think is outrageous because you’re basically the backbone of that place and you deserve a bonus, a raise even like-“

Judy laughs lightly, resting a calming hand over Jen’s shoulder. “Alright Little Miss Rampage.”

“There wasn’t one called that.”

“No?” Judy shakes her head. “Anyway, I’m not talking about using my wages. I’m talking about my paintings.”

Jen tilts her head, “your paintings?”

“Yeah, they’re literally made of money.”

“You’d have to sell them first.” Jen adds.

“No I mean it.”

Jen pauses for a second thinking she’s missed something. _Hmmm, nope._ “Mean what?”

“The frames, they’ve got money inside.” Judy gushes, smirking. “I saved up all the money I’ve ever had and then Steve added to it, The only problem is him, he has them. I doubt he’ll just let me collect them all, they’re in the house some of them but most are in the gallery.”

Jen taps her chin in thought, Judy’s words processing around her head, forming an idea. A not well idea maybe, they’d get in trouble if _fucking_ Steve caught them and called the cops, but for their family Jen figures it’s worth it.

“We’ll get them back.” Jen concludes, firm eyes set on the glass of red, swirling around the glass.

“But how?”

“Leave it with me babe.”

*

_Knock knock._

It’s a few seconds before Steve opens, _in a fucking robe_. She wasn’t expecting that, although Judy did say he was a lying _fucking_ cheat, he’s probably just finished fucking his secretary or something, and Jen has to clench her fingers and embrace her realtor role fully to force a smile, she’s done it enough times. She’s practically an expert.

“Hi.” Jen smiles, with her teeth and all, eyes bore into Steve’s.

“Um… what’re you doing here?” Steve pulls a confused face, hair flopping above his eyes and Jen wants to punch that creased look off of his face.

Jen scoffs, “well-“ stepping forward and into the house uninvited, she pushes Steve back with a clawed hand on his chest. He just lets her, and she’s pretty sure his cheeks have turned red, and smirks to herself behind his back. “I came here to give you an offer.”

Steve’s eyes widen and then he schools his features, cocking his head to the side with a smarmy grin. It makes Jen feel sick. She’s surprised she isn’t gagging yet, but her smile remains and her lashes flutter because she fucking _needs those paintings._ And she’s gonna do anything to get them.

He takes her wrist, not gently and his hands are scratchy, despite being a businessman who just sits in an office all day, she’d expected them to be smooth, slick, untouched. She resists the urge to pull away and walks further into the house, she doesn’t know where she’s going but the rooms are that empty they could all be a duplicate of the other. There’s no trace of Judy living here, not even a weird cat ornament or a choice of wallpaper, Jen knows she didn’t choose the white décor or any of the décor, it’s like a show house that no ones ever lived in. Jen feels an ache in her stomach for how long Judy seemed to have suppressed herself away in here, let Steve control everything.

“It’s a lovely home.” Jen says, detaching her arm from Steve’s to walk around, size up the living room, picking up little bits of ornaments every now and then. When Jen gets to a painting she’s looking at, it’s simplistic and boring, framed in a golden wood, _ha_ _ironic_ , and it’s definitely not one Judy’s, she feels Steve lurking over her shoulder, can practically feel the particles from his breath travelling to her neck, she feels warm and disgusting so she escapes quickly, rounding the large couch to the stair well. Steve follows her like some lost puppy waiting for it’s dinner.

“You mentioned a proposal, and well I’m flattered but-“

Jen grimaces internally hoping it doesn’t show on her face. “Let’s go upstairs.”

Steve widens his eyes and his jaw drops, “after you-“ he gestures and his jaw is still wide open.

“Careful, you’ll end up catching flies.” Jen closes his mouth, tapping her finger on his nose with a wink before heading up the winding stairs, making sure to add a little extra sway to her hips. She feels a buzz in her pocket then, she knows it’s Judy, asking how it’s going, and she takes her phone out smiling at the text.

‘ **Just checking in (Purple Heart). Be careful’**

Steve notices her and she quickly slots her phone back in her pocket.

“Boyfriend?”

“Oh, ha, no-“ Jen steps forward.

Steve grins at that and touches her forearm, tugging her further down the hallway.

“Anyway, I’m here to offer you something, and if you knew what was good for you you’d take me up on it.” Jen states, leaning back against the banister.

Steve steps impossibly closer and she swears she’ll throw herself off if he gets any closer, his breath _stinks_ like prawns and whisky. The smell of aftershave plagues her nostrils, she wants to cough.

“I’m listening-“ Steve trails a finger down her jaw and she tenses it, grinding her teeth so she doesn’t kill him right there and then.

“I want to sell your house.”

Steve steps backwards then, his smell lingering. “My-“ Steve stammers and laughs to himself, blowing up his hair away from his flustered face. _Nice one Jen._ “Right, well, I’m not selling.”

“I think you might want to reconsider, you want to get away from here right? Away from your _crazy_ ex.” It hurts when she says it, but she’s got to hit him somewhere. And Judy’s given her the backbone of what Steve likes and what wins him over, _‘a good pair of tits and a submissive woman’_ , she’d come up with. She doesn’t even have the former but, Steve will never know that.

“Judy? Thought she was living with you.”

“Ha, no way, I kicked her out, she’s fucking nuts like you said.” Jen steps closer. “Anyway enough talk about _her_ , I want to talk about you and this house.” Jen scans the hallway, shaking her head in an act of disbelief, “I mean-you’d made a good amount, only a fool would turn down this offer.”

Steve frowns, “how much?”

“$10million.”

“Sold.”

_Huh._ She didn’t think it was going to be that easy. “Well, stop by my office and we can talk details.” Jen pulls out her card and hands it to him, a real smile on her face this time, at least they’ll have access to the house now.

“Nice.” Steve says, “hey did you want a drink?”

“Umm, I’m good actually, I’m late for my next viewing, I’m extremely busy so-“ she’s not but it always makes clients more eager to work with her, Steve pulls a face as if he’s intrigued.

“You do well for yourself huh.” Steve was, as if he’s impressed.

“You could say that.” Jen shrugs, “oh, could I use your bathroom before I leave?”

Steve nods, “sure, I need to go check on the steak I’m cooking but it’s just there to the right…” he points to a white door and Jen nods.

He heads downstairs and Jen makes her way down the hallway, most of the bedroom doors are open, there’s a cinema room, a master bedroom that’s _fucking huge_ , even if they don’t get the paintings she’s still selling his house, money like that will go a long way. But it’s not just about the paintings, and Jen tries to find any sign of a nursery, there’s a closed door right at the end of the hallway and she takes a breath before pulling the handle and slowly pushing the door open. Her guess was right. And she’s now standing in a nursery, with a cot and _again_ white walls. It’s got the same monotone feeling as the rest of the house, the only colour coming from the hanging set of plush clown fishes and dolphins attached to the top of the cot. Jen slips inside the room, careful not to knock anything. It feels like an intrusion, on an empty room that should be homing giggling kids and toys and high chairs, not the bare cot and wardrobe holding a singular hanger with a small all in one in white with red polka dots. Jen brushes a hand over the fabric and releases a mournful sigh, shaking her head to get rid of the picture she’s created of in her head of Judy’s baby wearing this, a girl with a head of thick hair, or a boy with Judy’s piercing eyes and a cheeky smile.

Jen moves further around the room, it’s like a vacuum, she thinks, it feels like everything has been sucked out of it and it’s hard to breath. Every so often she just wants to cry, feels the sob crawling through her body to get out. Jen peers at the shelf, something draping over the top. She reaches up and pulls it down, opening the folded material to reveal a blanket, ‘Judy Anne Hale’ etched in light pink across a dark green. It still smells like Judy when she brings it up to her face, clutching it tightly to her.

Jen quickly folds it back up once she hears Steve yelling for her, shouts a quick ‘coming’ and then takes one last look around the nursery before closing the door quietly. Heading downstairs, she pushes it further into her handbag and blows hair from her face, pulling the mask back on.

“God sorry, just had to freshen up, the lighting in your bathroom is-“ Jen scoffs, gestures with her hands.

“I _know_ right…” Steve says wiggling his eyebrows boastfully. Jen wonders what it actually _looks_ like for him to be reacting like a smug little kid who had the most candy on Halloween.

“Anyway, thanks for showing me round. You won’t regret accepting my offer.” Jen makes her way to the door, Steve following closely behind.

“I hope so.” Steve opens the door and rests a hand on it while Jen walks out, cocking his leg behind the other ankle in a sort of naked modelling pose.

Jen finds it absolutely infuriating and she has to get out of here before she does something she regrets.

*

“Jude?”

Jen calls out when walking in, it’s dinner time so she knows Judy won’t be in the guesthouse, and there’s the smell of spices and sizzling onions that hits as she’s heading to the kitchen. The kids’ shoes are at the door, they’re not downstairs so she guesses there upstairs.

“Jude!”

She shouts again before reaching the kitchen. There’s music playing, Charlie’s next to the speakers (he must have carried them down from his room) and Henry’s dancing with Judy. He’s stood on her feet and they’re holding hands, pulling and pushing each other’s hands to the beat of the song, which if she remembers correctly is from Shrek. It must’ve been Henry’s choice, he’s obsessed with that movie lately, has even asked for a Shrek themed lunch box instead of the Cars one he has currently.

Judy notices her when she swings Henry around in a turn and skips over and pulls her into the kitchen further, which apparently has also turned into a dance floor.

“Hi!”

Judy’s bopping her head still, tugging Jen’s hand so she dances along with her.

“Hey, havin’ fun?” Jen asks, complying when Judy lifts her arm up for her to twirl, Jen does even if it’s a little difficult with Judy being smaller than her.

Judy’s smile answers for her, and Jen looks around the room trying to work out what she’s cooking.

“I’m making fajitas!” Judy yells over the music and Charlie takes it as a hint to turn it down a notch.

“And I’m helping!” Henry saddles up to her, jumping to the music on the spot.

“He is, he’s cut up all the peppers and onions and salad, and didn’t cut his finger once!” Judy says, and that last one is a dig about her chopping skills, the last time Jen had offered to help make she’d sliced her finger when chopping an apple for the dessert crumble Judy was trying out. _It was round_ , to be fair, and _round things are hard to cut._

“Is it almost ready?” Charlie pipes up, standing up to come and join them near the breakfast bar.

“About ten more minutes, just waiting for the peppers to soften.” Judy says, turning back to the hob then to stir the pan with a wooden spoon.

Jen sniffs up, it smells great. And she’s pretty hungry. “I’m just going to get changed then I’ll be down.”

“Okay!”

She decides to leave the blanket inside her bag, she’ll give it to Judy later when they’re alone. For now she undressed and puts her work clothes in the wash and changes into her pyjamas, she may as well there’s nothing else she’s doing. A few minutes later Judy shouts her down saying she’s dishing up, and Jen replies, telling her she won’t be long, before quickly taking her earrings out and contact lenses, slipping on her glasses and then heading downstairs.

*

Once dinner’s over, which went down a treat that’s to Judy’s magical hands (Jen doesn’t know how she does it), and they’ve watched a their nightly episode of ‘The Big Bang Theory’, the boys say goodnight and head to their rooms. Jen helps carry the speakers back upstairs while Judy reads Harry Potter to Henry until he’s spark out. They’re almost finished with this one, and when Judy comes in Jen’s bedroom that night, she does every night whether she’s sleeping there or not just to say goodnight, she asks her to order the next one in the sequence. Jen adds it to her Amazon list.

“So you haven’t told me how it went with Steve.” Judy starts while washing her face beside Jen in the ensuing.

“It went good. He’s agreed to sell the house so we just need a plan to make sure I’m there one day alone so I can get the keys to TKG arts.”

Judy turns to her then, wet faced, holding her hands out for a towel which Jen quickly located and gives her. “About that-“ She dabs her face dry and then hangs it back up. “I don’t know where he keeps them.”

“You’ve never used them yourself?”

“Nope. He never let me see where he kept them, he was so secretive about business stuff.”

They vacate to the bedroom and Judy takes it upon her to fold Jen’s clothes from that day while Jen applies her moisturiser in the vanity mirror on her desk.

“Well, they can’t be that hard to find. Everything’s so clean in there they’d stick out like a sore thumb.”

Judy nods in agreement.

“Oh.” Jen wipes the remaining cream onto her hands and rubs it in, “I have something for you.” She finds her bag and pulls out Judy’s blanket, handing it over to her folded.

She knows what it is immediately and her eyes tear up. Judy unwraps the blanket delicately, as if the seams could burst any second, and holds it close to her chest closing her eyes. Jen sighs softly at the sight, she’d probably do just about anything to see that smile.

“Thank you! This is so sweet.” Judy pouts and reaches her hand out to squeeze Jen’s arm gratefully. “Did you steal it?”

“Kinda. Steve doesn’t know I have it anyways, but it’s yours, I wanted to return it to you.”

Judy looks at the blanket with a tender gaze, finger tips tracing the letters forming her name just like she did a few hours ago.

“You must have gone into the nursery then?” Judy asks, coming to sit down on the bed.

Jen joins her. “Yeah, it-“ she shakes her head, “everything in that house has Steve written all over it, even the nursery, it seemed like that blanket was the only part of you there.” She pats the soft material over Judy’s knee.

“Steve was always very particular about décor.” Judy says.

It’s not fair, how still Judy believes she has to make an excuse up for him. He was toxic, after the house viewing today she’s never been more convinced. Hopefully once she’s sold his dull, boring old house neither of them will ever have to see him again.

Jen turns to her then and the words are out of her mouth before she can think over it. She’s glad, or else she may have talked herself out of asking. “Move in here.”

Judy waits for her to say something else, but then is confused. “I already live here…?”

“No I mean, in the main house with all of us.”

Judy’s shock and sheer surprise brings a moment of quiet, and Jen can practically hear her own heartbeat as she waits for Judy to say something. A wash of excitement visibly washes over Judy then, and she throws her arms around Jen saying ‘yes’ repeatedly along with ‘thank you’. Jen returns the hug just as eagerly, telling her she doesn’t have to thank her. If anyone should be thanking anyone it’s Jen, the amount of light and happiness Judy brings into her life, she truly doesn’t know how she went so long without it.


	14. I’d paint you if I could

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! 
> 
> This is a long one, sorry for the wait.  
> I had so much fun writing this, especially the latter half. I haven’t read over it yet but I wanted to get it posted ASAP, I may read over it again for mistakes tomorrow so try to ignore them :) 
> 
> These are the dresses I was picturing for their date outfits, you’ll see further on what I mean; 
> 
> https://www.netflixqueue.com/linda-cardellini-not-looking-back/ 
> 
> https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/wornontv.net/amp/post/139606/
> 
> Anyways, hope you all enjoy this :) 
> 
> xx Chloe

Since Judy moved her things into the main house, all except her art supplies; Judy uses it as a studio set up, it seems so much fuller, and like a real home. There’s always noise coming from one of the rooms, whether chatter or music, and it’s a far cry from the silent months after Ted’s death where the boys would stay in their rooms and Jen would nurse a glass of wine alone in front of a blank television screen. Judy brings life into the place, _and_ all of her crystals. Jen wasn’t going to deny her of that though, not like Steve did. She’d even encouraged her to spread them out around the house if she’d wanted, Judy had said it would make it a safe and happy space for them, the kids even had one each in their rooms. Another addition to the house was photographs, of Jen too unlike before where she didn’t feature in any of them, Judy had printed out the ones of them all at the theme park, and additional ones taken randomly. They were mostly of the boys, Judy had gotten a huge one framed of them both and displayed it on the walls so you can see it when entering. Then there was the one Jen found herself starring at more often than she’d like to admit, it’s framed in _their_ room (automatically Judy had moved in there) on their bedside table, picturing the two of them together on the Ferris wheel, cheeks squished together and smiles wide and genuine.

Judy’s been mistaken as Henry’s mother twice this week, the first she’d volunteered to do the school run and he’d made a new friend called William, of course all the other parents new that Jen was Henry’s mom but when Henry and William had asked to arrange a time for them to go over to each other’s houses one day after school, Kate (William’s mom) had asked William to _‘thank Henry’s mom’_ when Judy had offered to let them come to their house first. Henry hadn’t even corrected her, and when she arrived home she debated whether or not to tell Jen because she didn’t want to feel like she was imposing or taking over, especially when Jen believed she wasn’t the best mother. She definitely is though, and Judy had told her as much when she’d told her what Kate had said the same night after dinner.

Jen makes out like it’s normal whenever it happens now, and it does happen a lot. People assume they’re married, sometimes they ask ‘who carried who’ and Jen and Judy just smile and slowly walk away. It’s not like they’ve not noticed they act a lot like a couple, holding hands in the grocery store, but Jen puts that down to fearing Judy will scurry off on a hunt for baby sweet corn instead of corn on the cob and then they’ll be in the store forever. The first time they’d gone shopping together Judy had been gone for half an hour looking for cashew nuts, Jen had had to ask them to do a shoutout over the speakers in the store. Then there’s the compliments, they fly out of Judy like water from a tap, smooth, and Jen would find it annoying if it was anyone else. But the way Judy speaks about her to other people; Henry’s teachers, ‘ _she’s the best mother, she’s always understanding_ ’, to Lorna, (they’d not gone down well; Judy had just gotten a death stare in return when she’d met her), ‘ _she’s so kind for letting me move in’_ , to Christopher even, one night where Jen and Judy had ‘double dated’ (it wasn’t a date for them but it was for Alan and Christopher who were eye fucking each other practically the whole night), ‘ _she looks gorgeous tonight doesn’t she? The colour of her dress really brings out her eyes’._

Neither of them mind though, and maybe they should. But Judy has never felt more at ease than when she’s with Jen. So she’s unapologetic about the compliments and the hand holding because it makes Jen feel wanted, needed. In the way she didn’t when it was just her and Ted, nor Judy with Steve.

*

Judy’s forgotten her packed lunch, and it’s Thursday so Jen doesn’t have any showings, Steve was meant to be calling about the house but he hasn’t as of yet and she doesn’t want to look too eager by making the first move. So Jen decides to forgo the leaflets dumped on her desk by Christopher that morning, showing her Lorna’s advertising, ‘ _we need new pictures Jen’,_ and save her emails for later so she can take it to her.

When she arrives Judy’s in the middle of teaching a class, there’s small kids paired up with residents and art supplies are scattered over the floor and tables. Jen hovers by the doorway, nodding to the receptionist whom she recognises by now, she receives a wave in return. Judy doesn’t notice Jen straight away, she’s too busy demonstrating how to blend light and dark coloured chalk together. Fingers smudge on the paper and she scratches away on top of the colour she’s already put down to make it darker. Jen smiles as Judy turns to the students every so often, nodding her head and asking them something, Jen can’t hear from where she’s stood. Then Judy stops demonstrating and starts going around to look at everyone else’s pieces, her smile genuine as she bends to look and chat with the kids. Everything about Judy is so genuine, even the way she compliments some _fairly_ bad painting; Jen can’t really tell what it is. Judy holds it up to everyone then and says it’s a ‘farm yard landscape’, and encourages everyone to gush over it. She’s good with everyone, Jen doesn’t know how she does it.

“Hey.”

A familiar deep voice calls out from beside her and she smiles, carefully making her way to him avoiding all the chairs.

“Hi Abe.”

He pulls the chair out and pats it, she sits and unhooks her bag from her shoulder.

“So, to what pleasure do you owe this visit?” Abe asks.

“Judy forgot her lunch.” Jen replies with a smile, eyes still looking Judy’s way. She shakes her head when she sees her put a dot of red chalk on her nose to make a couple of kids laugh, they do and Judy’s smile grows impossibly wider.

Abe waves a hand in front of her face then, “Earth to Jen…”

“Oh-“ She sits back in her chair, “sorry, what were you saying?”

“Never mind about that,” Abe curiously leans forward closer to her, “tell me something Jen…” He clears his throat. “Is something going on between you and Judy?”

Jen feels her jaw drop and quickly shakes her head, eyes not focussing in one place but somehow gravitating back to Judy still.

“You’re making _eyes_.” Abe tilts his head.

“What?” Jen finally gets out, stammering a little.

“Don’t tell me you’re just looking at the paintings.” He coaxed, raising his eyebrows in waiting.

Jen sighs, shaking her head. She can’t eel her cheeks turning red and it’s _fucking_ embarrassing, Judy’s her best _friend_ , emphasis on _friend_. Although the kiss didn’t feel _friendly-well it did but-_

“We kissed.” Jen admits quietly, head turned away from Abe and honestly she’s not sure he even heard her until he pats her on the back with a sympathetic tut, prompting her to bring her head up.

“But we haven’t spoken about it…” She continues, “so I’m unsure whether it was just a spur of the moment thing.”

Abe nods slowly, “it wasn’t.” He states with an ounce of certainty.

Jen makes a face as if she’s not convinced, but then frowns, “how do you know?”

“I may be old but I’m not blind.” Abe chuckles, schooling his face when Jen sighs deeply. “Talk to her.”

He concludes, patting her hand once before reaching for his walking cane to heave himself up and out of his seat. “Nature calls.” He grumbles, bowing his head and saying ‘talk to her’ again more firmly.

Jen thinks about it, head tipping backwards to stare at the ceiling, _would it be so bad?_ Judy might want to take this further, to try again at what they could have had all those years ago before the universe stepped in and ruined it. But she also might not, Judy may not want to ruin their friendship and Jen’s not sure she wants to either because she doesn’t want to ever live without Judy in her life again. And what if they split up? Or it didn’t work? Would it be awkward from then on?

But then would she always be wondering, _what if_?

Two hands cup over her eyes then, it’s Judy’s, they’ve got rings on almost every finger, but Jen feigns obliviousness.

“Guess who…”

“Hmm, I dunno, Wendy?”

Judy rounds the table, “shh!! She’ll hear you.”

They turn around to where said Wendy is, hand deep in blue paint, mechanically banging her hand on the table to do hand prints, eyes staring into nothing.

“Maybe not.” Judy quips, covering her mouth to stop herself laughing.

Jen rolls her eyes fondly, “here,” she says, and then pushes over her lunch box. “You forgot this.”

Judy takes it, realisation hits her with a face palm, “oh! You know I knew something was missing in my bag this morning I just couldn’t work out what.” Judy slides the box down to the far end of the table. “Thank you!” She adds with a sincere, soft smile.

Jen shrugs bashfully, hair falling in front of her face which she brushes behind her ear with a smile.

There’s a few moment silence between them, finding watching Wendy ‘finger paint’ fascinating, Jen raises her eyebrows at the hysterical display while Judy questions whether to go help her paint on actual paper instead of the table surface.

“Do you wanna-“

“Judy can we talk-“

They start at the same time, laughing lightly afterwards with slight blushes, deeper on Jen’s cheeks than Judy’s. Judy tips her head, “you first.”

Jen exhales a shuddering breath, pinching her hands together under the table so she knows what she’s about to ask is real, knows Judy’s possible rejection won’t be an imagined nightmare.

“Would you-“ Jen stammers, reconsidering everything until she looks back up at Judy who’s smiling earnestly with the most caring, beautiful eyes she’s ever seen, encouraging her without even knowing it. “Do you want to go out this Saturday? Like just the two of us.” She clarifies, rubbing her lips together aware of how awkward that sounded. _We go out together all the time, how’s she gonna know this is any different?_

Judy opens her mouth eagerly, about to say ‘sure’ and then Jen murmurs “ _asadate”_ , instantly looking away and down at the floor, _maybe_ she can pretend Judy misheard her if she’s outraged at the idea.

Then Judy leaned forward, tilting Jen’s face up with her index finger hooked under her chin, lingering even once Jen’s eyes meet hers again. Her own crinkle with a smile and she looks at her knowingly. “Of course I’d want to go on a date with you…”

And there’s a silent _I thought you’d never ask_ that neither of them address, but it’s been a long time coming for both of them. Judy can’t believe her luck and neither can Jen, she thought for sure it was going to be a mistake, she’s glad she’s right about this one.

Jen’s mouth forms the shape of an ‘o’, releasing a light laugh as she nods her head. “Well, good.” Jen thinks she should say thank you, but she just mirrors Judy’s smile instead and reaches to take her hand, squeezing it before returning her own to her side.

Judy turns around then, there’s mayhem over in one corner and she’s pretty sure the kids have got red paint in their hair. She sighs begrudgingly (for once), “I should get back to work.” Judy says apologetically with a small pout.

Jen shrugs, “it’s fine, you go do what you do,” ushering her away and back to the screaming kids and grumbling elderly’s Jen still can’t fathom how she handles without ripping her hair out. (Or one of the kids’, she’s sure the blonde with red painted pig tails would benefit at this moment in time.)

Judy stands up, patting down her skirt from the creases and then grabbing her lunch box, holding it up again with a small thank you.

“I’ll see you at home?” Jen stands too, taking her bag from the floor to put back on her shoulder.

“See you at home.” Judy echoes, watching Jen leave with an extra swing in her step.

…

“She asked you out then?” Abe pipes up from beside her making Judy startle a little.

She pushes her bangs from her face shyly, “how did you know?”

He taps his nose and winks.

*

Steve ends up calling by the office Friday afternoon ten minutes before Jen’s about to leave for the day, much to her annoyance. He’s cocky, with Christopher too, belittling him with just a look and Jen wants to punch that smirk from his face. Steve decides Jen’s right about selling the house and asks her to get a for sale sign out of there ASAP. They arrange a viewing for a fortnight later, Steve asks for some pamphlets so he can spread them around his associates and Jen complies saying not to worry, she’ll make enough. Jen makes sure to ask to take another look at the house in order to do a staging and take a few photographs, while doing that she’ll hopefully find the keys to TKG arts unless he shifts them before. There’s still the basement that could hold some of Judy’s paintings and she asks to clear that out too, Steve’s reluctant at first saying he needs more time than the beginning of next week to get his house in order before she comes, but she urges on telling him that ‘that’s my job’, and he eventually agrees, telling her to come around in the afternoon, around 3.

While Judy’s at work still, Jen brainstorms ideas for their date, which still feels unreal. She wants it to be special, Judy deserves the best but she has no idea what that is. They can’t go to a club or a bar, they always do that, and a restaurant is pretty basic. Although, Judy loves the new vegan restaurant down town…

“Henry!” Jen calls from the kitchen counter, he’s into all the same stuff Judy is, maybe he can give her an idea.

He hurries down and saddles up beside her on the stool, “a-huh?”

“So…” Jen turns to him, hands interlinking on her knees. “You know Judy and I like each other a lot right?”

Henry nods, “sure.”

“So, if I was to take her out somewhere really special, where do you think she’d like to go?” Jen braces the question casually, as if her whole future with Judy didn’t depend on this date-if doesn’t, she…knows? _That. Ha._

Henry scrunches his face, “well surely it’s special if _you_ decide?”

Jen scoffs, “well yeah okay I know-“ Henry smirks teasingly in return.

“I’m kidding, you know she likes music, maybe you could see a show? My teacher Miss Peterson went to see Six this weekend with her husband, Judy loves women empowerment.” Henry says, and Jen reckons Henry was born old at birth, or maybe school are finally teaching students something worth learning.

She smiles in return, “yeah, I guess she does like history too…”, but then she thinks about how it’d pan out, they’d go see the show, sat in silence throughout and then maybe get dinner and go home, the thing she loves most about Judy is when she speaks, when she laughs, and while she may laugh once or twice during the show, Jen doesn’t know whether she wants their first date ( _assuming she gets another, if this one goes back she might get a second or even third try)_ to be sat in a dark theatre watching other people.

“Or go to the theme park again! Judy loved the Ferris wheel.”

Henry says and she flicks her eyes up to him, wondering whether he knows _why_ Judy enjoyed it so much.

“Whatever you do-“ Henry hops off the stool to get something from the fridge, a soda it looks like, “don’t take her on a boat because she told me the other day she gets sea sick, and don’t take her to the sushi place beside Burger King because she says the staff there are misogynists.” Henry deadpans, the sound of him cracking open his can filling the silence.

Jen manages to close her jaw before she catches flies and Henry makes some smart remark about it, _he’s growing up by the fucking minute it seems_ , and nod her head, still slightly in a daze by what her kid has just come out with. _So, no sushi place then._

“I gotta go, Shandy’s FaceTiming me so we can play temple run together….”

Henry says and then heads upstairs, Jen’s delayed ‘okay thanks…Boop’ following. Jen shakes her head, an amused half smile growing in her face as she Google’s what shows are on nearby, or within a decent distance.

*

**Jen (10:45):** Lorna’s agreed to have the boys

**Jen (10:47):** I want to KILL Steve

**Jen (10:52):** Don’t?

**Jen (10:53):** Okay if your phone is at home again then…

**Judy (10:55):** Hi!! (Purple Heart) Sorry, Abe and I were playing cards, he’s winning me 1-3. Please don’t kill Steve, unless you have a murder plan in place for afterwards, I hear Bora Bora is lovely for runaways ;)

**Jen (10:56):** is playing games all you ever do at work ??

**Judy (10:57):** It’s brain exercises!

Jen just sends an eye roll emoji and huffs when the phone rings, _fucking_ Steve, _again._ He’s called the office more times that any other customer ever has during their full time working with her just within these last few hours. Reluctantly she locks her own phone and picks up the office landline, clearing her throat to greet Steve in the least aggravated tone she can imagine.

“Steve…hi-yes I’m very aware that you have arrangements Monday afternoon, I’ll be fine staging the house myself I mean-it’s not like you and I are strangers now is it?” Jen smiles, _she has him_ , “Alright, bye now.” She hangs up and her face drops immediately, scoffing before picking her own phone back up with four texts from Judy.

**Judy (11:00):** You okay? X

**Judy (11:01):** I have to go, it’s lunch time and Kathleen isn’t working tday so I’m helping out, hope you’re alright xxxx

**Judy (11:01):** Lyv you!

**Judy (11:02):** sorry, love you (Purple Heart) xxxx

Jen smiles and heart reacts her latest text, sending her own back and finishing with a red heart emoji.

*

Saturday comes around quickly, Lorna’s car even quicker around the corner; Jen nor Judy don’t know how she hasn’t crashed that thing yet, she drives it like she’s driving a super fast jet ski on water, Jen’s unsure whether the boys should even be riding in her death trap on wheels. Her reaction time is excellent, she’ll give her that, and when she pulls up outside the house and beeps the horn twice Jen shimmies the boys out of the door with kisses to heads and overnight rucksacks. Charlie grumbles and gives her a death stare on the way out, rubbing her kiss off of his cheek.

“You owe us. This is a load of bull-“

Jen frowns, “uhh I am your mother so you’ll do as I say,” and taps his cheek with the back of her hand.

Charlie huffs, and then Judy strolls up beside Jen, one arm wrapped around her shoulders. “Well, be as loud as you want because I swear if I hear you when we get back I swear to god I’ll move out.”

Judy sniggers behind Jen, covering it (or trying to) by burying her face into the crook of Jen’s neck.

“See ya.”

“Oh yeah you better go get in that _fucking-“_ She mouths it, Lorna hates swearing, “car before I snap your legs.”

Charlie makes a noise and upturns his lip, breaking into a smile when Jen mirrors it sarcastically.

“Bye.” He shouts again with a genuine smile, climbing in the car while Jen and Judy stand in the door way, they wave them off a few seconds later and wince when Lorna almost skids into the next door neighbours car while putting her foot down to reverse.

“So…” Jen turns to shut the door, ushering Judy back inside. Her hands come to rest on her shoulders, “our date starts in, like a couple of hours and I still have something to sort so, go finish your painting or whatever you were doing in there-“

“Origami!” Judy chimes in, following as Jen steers her towards the back door.

“Right, you go do that, be dressed and ready for…4.” Jen says, walking out to the guesthouse with her.

“Oh, what sort of outfit shall I wear?”

“Casual will be fine, and I _mean_ casual because-“ Jen stops before she spills too much. “See you soon..” Judy doesn’t have time to ask anything else because Jen jogs back inside with a quick wave, heading upstairs to get everything in order.

Judy smiles in excitement, she’s giddy and she can’t wait to go out on their date, _date,_ it still doesn’t feel real. Jen had seemed so excited the night before when she said everything was in hand and she had something planned for them, Judy’s not sure what they’re doing but whatever it is she knows she’ll love it. She’d gladly sit on a roadside eating greasy takeaway for a date if it meant that she was doing it with Jen. She’s waited for this for a long time, probably since they were kids without even realising it. Judy thinks it’s fate that they met again, even in the way they did. Once upon a time they found each other, then years later the universe gave them another chance, hopefully this time it’s for keeps. Judy would love nothing more than to stay with Jen and the boys, her _family_ , for as long as she can, _forever_ if she had anything to do with it.

*

Jen checks the website once again for directions, she’s sure she knows where it’s based but if she doesn’t and they get lost they will miss their slot, and the others were fully booked up, despite it only being a low key organised event. She also checks the reservations went smoothly for afterwards, in the rooftop restaurant, sizing up how _fucking_ high it is again when she sees couples’ reviews and photographs on the website. It does look beautiful though, especially at night where the lights twinkle below the sky full of stars. Jen just hopes it doesn’t rain, a rooftop open bar seems more romantic than a sodden rooftop bar with a flimsy gazebo for shelter.

It feels strange to be going out on a date with Judy because it feels like somehow they’re past it, they don’t need to get to know each other because they already pretty much know everything about each other, even the ugly parts, although those wouldn’t be revealed on a first date (in Jen’s case) anyway. Jen feels so _young_ , despite being a middle aged widower with two kids and an aged body, she feels like she’s going on her first date _ever_ , the nerves and exhilaration whirling around in her stomach while she chooses an outfit for the dinner. They’ll come back here, she’s decided, getting changed in some restaurant toilet is hardly _first date_ material, and they can’t go wearing the same clothes she’s currently wearing; leggings and a loose grey t-shirt, a blue and white flannel over the top, she’ll have to wrap it around her waist once they get there.

“Is this okay? Or did you mean smart casual maybe-“ Judy poses as she meets Jen by the doorway, rubbing out the creases on her loose, floral dress, paired with a woolly white cardigan and flats.

“No you’re perfect, exactly what I meant” Jen rubs her hands together, looking Judy up and down with a grin. “You look gorgeous. As always.” Jen adds in a soft, sultry voice before turning back to find her car keys, they’re on top of the kitchen counter, by the fruit bowl where she left them.

“Thank you!” Judy breaks out into a smile, and returns the compliment.

Jen drives them, Judy singing along to her playlist, currently playing Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5, Jen doesn’t mind though, Judy has a great voice even if she is a little biased. They don’t really talk on the way there, the silence filled by music, and it’s comfortable, Judy doesn’t feel the need to start conversations just to cater to the quiet, and Jen’s glad at that because it suggests they’re making some progress with Judy and her needs to always please other people.

Jen hears a ping from her bag when they’re about 20 minutes into the journey, there’s probably only another 10 to go. Judy reaches to check, it might be Charlie and Henry she says, or Lorna, and before Jen can stop her she takes Jen’s phone.

“Wait it-“

Judy clicks open the phone. It’s not a text or call from the boys, or Lorna, Jen should’ve remembered…

“We’re going to a pottery course!”

“It was meant to be a surprise!”

Judy looks over at her, delighted, “it still is!” She assures, fingers gripping the phone tightly with excitement.

“Well, yeah I suppose.” Jen flicks her eyes momentarily to Judy, reluctantly for only a second, turning back to the front to pull away from the stop light, turning green simultaneously to Judy’s epiphany.

“Thank you so much for this Jen,” a hand reaches over to squeeze her thigh, slightly _high_ , close even, it makes Jen’s stomach tense but Judy pulls it away to take her hand instead before she can acknowledge it. “So thoughtful” Judy thinks aloud, another gentle squeeze.

Jen doesn’t say anything, the proud smirk coyly making its way onto her face. She’d decided against the theatre, she almost did book tickets for the showing of The Lion King, Judy’s favourite Disney film (she cries every time), but then she thought of what Judy really loves, _art._ It’s the one thing Jen practically hates, but she’ll like it for Judy. She thought about going to an art gallery but she can imagine them traipsing round the place in silence because Jen gathers those things are always quiet and quite conservative, she’d drag her feet because even art galleries would be a push for Jen (house showings are enough of a gallery for her) and Judy would look at the paintings and think _why aren’t hers good enough to be here_. Jen knows it, so she decides against it, purely selfless reasoning obviously. Then she’d taken a look at other things to do ‘in Laguna that are creative’, her literal wording when asking sir google, her new favourite advisory, and it had suggested a pottery workshop. Jen had chosen one where they had free reign, a do it yourself sort of course instead of a teacher-y one. At least that way they’d be able to do what they wanted, Jen just hopes Judy knows how to work these spinning things, she’d YouTube’d the way to do it but it seemed too complicated. Judy can turn her hand to anything though, and as long as she has fun then she guesses they’ll both be satisfied.

They pull into a narrow road, Jen recognises it from the website and slows the car, telling Judy to keep an eye out for ‘Preston’s Pottery Studio’. Judy points to a building, Jen recognises it and pulls up outside. It’s fairly small, white on the outside with red painted calligraphy lettering, and vines cling to it’s side. Jen switches off the ignition and asks Judy to pass her bag over, she turns her phone to ‘do not disturb’ and then dumps it back inside her bag.

“Ready?” Jen asks, un-clipping her seatbelt.

“Yep! I’m so excited.” Judy follows, slamming the car door against the force of the wind. Jen locks the door and beckons Judy over.

“Let’s get inside it’s fucking freezing…” Jen trails off, pulling at her hood to keep it from blowing backwards. Judy’s hair flies all over her face and they laugh at how far from a date it seems, they’re wearing comfy clothing and not even _Jen_ has heels. It’s different, and that’s what makes it perfect for them.

When they walk inside Jen checks them in and she’s handed two aprons, she gives one over to Judy and helps her tie it on before Judy helps with her own. The receptionist tells them to follow the green arrows on the flooring to where the studio room is, Jen thanks her and takes Judy’s hand casually. It still surprises her how easy it is to do that. It smells of paint, Jen’s not used to it like Judy is and she bets she’ll leave with a headache. There’s also a strong stomach of the ovens in the back where people go back and forth from to collect their pots. Jen steps inside, bending her head under the low doorway, and into a large room with different tables and stations. There’s one long table in the middle which a few elderly people occupy, Jen nudges Judy, whispering ‘home from home huh,’ with a wink.

They choose a table at the back, apart from the group in the middle there’s hardly any one else in. Jen’s glad there’s not a lot of people here to witness her potentially terrible pottery skills. Jen takes her coat and hangs it over the back of the chair, shoving her bag underneath their table.

“So I’m kinda counting on you to lead this…” Jen starts, Judy laughs and tells her she’ll be right back. She returns with two pottery wheels and struggles holding a large bag of clay in the other, Jen helps with the wheels and steadies them on the table. The clay bag is placed on the floor beside Judy and she takes a handful out and puts it between them on the table.

Jen widens her eyes as Judy gets finger deep, “wow you’re just gonna-“ Judy heave some more on, scraping the excess clay from her wrists. She’s covered in the stuff.

Judy takes a breath after loading clay onto the table. “They left paper instructions on the desk over there, I quickly read them so I think we got this.” Judy claps her hands together once excitedly and then wipes the remaining clay onto her apron.

Jen nods amusedly.

“Alright grab a ball. Like…” Judy digs her hands into the clay and takes a fair chunk, “this, and then start-“ Jen takes some too, wincing at it going down her finger nails, it’s squishy and Jen rolls it between her hands so it doesn’t stick, “-doing this so that it goes into a ball shape.” Jen copies her, Judy’s expert hands having already smoothed the ball into a nice spheres shape while Jen looks like shit, _no a literal shit._

Jen forms her hands around the clay, curving it so that it shapes, it’s kinda touch, and when Judy does it in the short sleeves she’s wearing, Jen can see her muscles flexing and veins on her arm tense, it’s quite distracting. Not to mention the sheet of sleek sweat that’s already made it’s way on to Judy’s forehead. Jen clears her throat and holds up her clay.

“Is this okay?”

Judy takes it, shows her how to smooth it out a little more and then hands it back. “Perfect.” Judy pulls the wheels closer to them, sliding one further to Jen’s side of the table. “Okay so, all you have to do is centre the clay, and then use this part,” Judy traces the side of her hand with her finger, “to shape it when it spins.”

“Alright, sounds simple enough…” Jen trails off, coping Judy as she wets the wheel with a wet sponge, they share the same one. She then takes her clay and dumps it in the middle, Jen does hers and pushes it so it’s to the centre. Doing well so far. Then the wheel starts spinning and Judy moulds the clay with her hands, every so often dipping her hand to wet them. Jen waits for a few minutes so she can get a hang of it while watching Judy expertly do hers. “Okay…” Jen mutters under her breath, and then starts mirroring Judy, she bens over a little while doing hers and Jen copies, getting eye level with the wheel every so often to check her progress.

“You’re doing great so far!” Judy chimes, already a quarter way up on her pot. Her hands don’t leave her clay as she speaks, she doesn’t even need to look as she shapes it. Jen can’t help thinking it look so…elegant. Which, is a strange thing to say about someone who’s got dirty fingers and dusted clay over their nose.

“Thanks…” Jen says, it’s quite hard actually to keep the shape, it’s gone a little wider than she’d like it to but she can work with it, Judy makes it look easy.

“Oh! I forgot to tell you, I invited Abe for dinner next Thursday, it’s his wife’s birthday, Elsie, or it would’ve been…” Judy finishes sadly, a frown creasing her forehead. “Is that okay?”

Jen continues working the clay, she thinks it’s going okay now. “Course it is, Abe’s the only elderly person I actually like.” Jen snipes with a small smirk.

Judy smiles gratefully, “thank you, it’s just I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be without the person you love, Abe was with Elsie for 54 years, it would’ve been 55 this year…” Judy says solemnly, pausing her work on the wheel for a minute to sit down, she dries her hands on her apron and stares at the wheel as it spins.

Jen nods, “yeah…”

Judy suddenly looks up then, “oh! Jen I’m sorry, I guess you don’t have to imagine what that’s like, with Ted… even if he did have an affair.” She places a dusty hand over Jen’s clay coated ones.

Jen shrugs her shoulder, methodically still working on the wheel. “Hmm,” She struggles to find the right words because even if she lost Ted, she loved him for a while sure, it wouldn’t feel like losing the great love of her life though like Abe has. That should bother her, the father of her kids whom she spent a good decade (at least) of her life with doesn’t even make the cut.

“I guess I can only imagine what it’d be like if I lost you,” Judy continues. “I’m not sure how Abe carries on.”

“Yeah you do, you did it once, and if you lost me now you’d do it again, that’s who you are.” Jen says, “and with Ted-it’s not the same, I-“ Jen shrugs, “losing my mom was way worse, losing you would be way worse…”

Judy rubs her thumb over her knuckles where they’re still holding hands. “Good job I’m not going anywhere.”

Jen nods, “yeah. Me too.”

There’s a moment where they just look at each other, if they were in a film there’d be paper roses raining down around them, a soppy romantic song playing. Jen’s never been one for public displays of affection, but even she can’t help leaning over to kiss the smile on Judy’s mouth,. She returns it gladly, her hand cupping Jen’s face to deepen the kiss, but Jen can’t help pulling away quickly to wipe the clay from her face.

“Sorry it just _stinks_ of earth and ground and-“

Judy pecks her once and sits down again on her stool, “we’ll save it for later,” and continues working on her pot.

“So afterwards…” Jen starts after a few minutes of pure concentration, it’s not bending the right way and it’s _fucking annoying._ “I’ve booked us a reservation at ‘The Fifth’, don’t worry we can get changed at home before going.”

“Wait isn’t that the rooftop bar?”

“It is.”

“But Jen! You’re scared of heights…” Judy worries, Jen quickly chips in.

“It’ll be fine…” Jen dismisses, “trust me I’ll be fine, being in a restaurant that’s attached to the ground seems a lot better than a Ferris wheel that rattled when it set off.” Jen says, and she almost convinces herself.

“Well, we can ask for a table that’s inside instead of out if it makes you feel better.”

“I already reserved the VIP table…”

Judy tuts, “Jen…” she puts down the sponge she was using and shifts in her seat to face Jen. “You didn’t have to…”

“I know.” Jen says, “I wanted to.”

Judy smiles, “well thank you…”

Jen shrugs. “Oh…fuck look,” Jen moves so Judy can see her pot. She’s making a vase shape, a tall cylinder with a wide bottom, although now the top is going off kilter and messing the shape up. Judy peers over Jen’s shoulder and slows her wheel down to check.

“Here… let me.” Judy stands behind Jen, a little taller because Jen’s sitting down, and leans forward until Judy’s front is pressed against her back.

Jen shifts a little, tensing as Judy leans her chin against her shoulder, from the corner of her eye she can see Judy’s lips caught between her top teeth in concentration, a lock of hair falling in front of her eyes which she blows away huffily. Her eyes shift back to the pot, bulging when Judy’s hands go over hers and move them against the wet clay, moulding it as she goes with delicate yet firm fingers. She swallows, the feeling of Judy’s wet hands slotting between her own, along with Judy’s breath tickling her ear sends a shiver up her spine. Judy dips her hand in the water to lubricate the clay even more and cups her fingers over Jen’s, guiding them to the side of the pot to pull it back into shape.

“The problem is you were being too gentle, you have to be a little more firm to make sure it stays straight.” Judy tells her, smiling as the clay moves back into place and starts widening out a little instead of closing up.

“No ones ever said that to me before,” Jen says, “the gentle part that is…” she clarifies, clearing her throat awkwardly.

“What, ‘cos you’re a ‘ _tough bro’_ ” Judy mimics Jen’s Brooklyn accent, turning to look at her in the eyes while her hands still work expertly away on the pot. Jen let’s her own relax, allowing Judy’s to work their magic over the top.

“Exactly.” Jen whispers, eyeing Judy’s with a smirk, regaining confidence after her stumble in confidence to lean in and whisper “maybe you’ll find out later…” and then turn back to the pot as if nothing had happened.

Judy finds herself pausing at that, her hands tracing over Jen’s, all the way up her arms despite the clay to bring back to her own side. A slight blush has made its way onto her cheeks and Jen’s grinning satisfied.

“Think you’ve got it from here?” Judy asks once recovered. She’s back at her own seat now, eyeing her pot up that she thinks is finished.

“I’ve got it, actually I think it’s about done.” Jen stops the wheel and gestures it to Judy, “what do you think?”

“Looks great.”

“Well I had help…” Jen says, averting her eyes quickly before they start something (again) that they can’t finish just yet.

“Should we pop these in the oven?”

“Sure.”

Judy heaves hers up, it’s quite heavy and wider than Jen’s, it’s in a more bowl shape with a small base and wide interior, she’s also carved out holes making flowers in the body of the vase, she’ll paint them once it’s dried. Jen’s is a simple vase shape, she says it “ _looks like a dick_ ” the more she looks at it but Judy assures her it looks fine. And paint will help with that.

…

“I can’t believe you…”

“It was funny! You can have a shower when we’re home…”

“People are gonna see me driving!”

“No look here…”

Jen catches Judy’s fingers before they can make it near her face.

“Just go get our pots before someone steals them…” Jen says, it’s hard to keep a smile off her face, _even though_ Judy has used her face as a canvas. She’d drawn a huge tornado shaped squiggle in bright green on her face when they were painting there pots, not realising it can’t just be wiped off with paper towel and it’s as good as permanent. So Jen’s left with a huge blob of green on her face. But Judy’s left with a smile, and she’s not stopped laughing since so, _how the fuck can she be mad at her for that?_ She can’t, but she can pretend to be. Not very well though.

Judy comes out with their finished pots in boxes, courtesy of the studio and puts them carefully in the boot of the car. “Are you mad?” Judy asks, a slight concern creeping in her eyes despite trying to fight it.

“Do I look mad?” Jen asks with a laugh. There’s the biggest smile on her face and her eyes practically dote over Judy as she shuts the boot and leans against it beside her.

Judy shakes her head, her pout turning into a smile.

“Come on, we have reservations for 7 and it’s gonna take hours to get this off…”

Judy rounds the car, “a good concealer’s always an option…”

*

Judy picks out a teal green coloured dress with minute black needs dotted on the top. It’s netted almost, a little transparent and there’s a slit halfway up the leg while the fabric flows around her knees. It’s a long v neck, and she’s paired it with a moon and star necklace, the cool chain sitting on her chest. Her hair is left down, in softer waves than usual and she’s neatened up her bangs. Makeup is one thing she’d never used much, Jen has her signature red lip look that she wears quite often and maybe Judy should try something new, perhaps Jen would like that. She takes her usual lip balm and applies it before digging through her limited makeup collection to find a colour. Jen’s only in the other room and she could go and borrow one, but they’d decided to change in different rooms so it feels a little more special when they see each other. Judy’s idea. She’s changed in Charlie’s room while the boys are out, she needs to have a word with him about the strange fusty smell in his room when he’s home, and she’s sprayed air freshener more than five times. Judy picks out a red lipstick and carefully applies it through Charlie’s mirror, rubbing her lips together afterwards. It’ll do.

It’s not that cold of a night, she reaches her arm out of the window when she opens it to let some fresh air in, so she decides on the white heels and a small white cropped jacket. After a spray of perfume to her neck and wrists she calls for Jen and asks if she’s ready.

If she didn’t think Jen was heaven on a stick before, she certainly does now, she’d live and breath that sentence to make Jen believe it. Jen meets her on the hallway, wearing a black tight fitting sheath dress that hugs her waist perfectly. Her hair is down and falls in its natural waves, her legs are bare and Judy feels her jaw drop as she trails her eyes up from head to toe, a little she’ll shocked.

“You look gorgeous.” Judy says, finally managing to speak. She steps forward, heart hammering in her chest as she reaches to brush a strand of Jen’s hair behind her ear.

Jen leans into it, and for once doesn’t deny the compliment, Judy smiles more at that, and then Jen returns it, “you look like you’ve just fucking dropped from heaven…” She says, a hand coming to Judy’s waist.

Jen’s phone ringing interrupts whatever Judy’s about to reply with, “the Uber must be here,” and they quickly grab their things before heading outside. Jen opens the door for Judy and offers her hand out so she can climb in first. They hold hands in the back seat on the way there while Judy chats away to the driver.

Once they arrive, Jen leads Judy inside, it’s quite busy and Judy’s a wonderer so she keeps a tight hold on her hand while checking them in.

“Jen Harding…”

“Come this way.”

The waiter leads them up to the elevator and clicks buttons to the top floor, Jen’s stomach is in knots the further it goes up and she doesn’t mention it, but knows that Judy senses her nerves because she grips her hand tighter and shoots her a smile.

“Here is your table…” the chairs are already pulled out for them and the waiter places napkins on their laps once sitting. “And our menus…Someone will be up to take your drinks and first course orders shortly, enjoy.”

Judy waits until he goes to lean across the table, “this is so fancy!” She says, opening the menu to look at the options.

“It is,” Jen says, raising her eyebrows at the prices. Reservations were steep enough. “Hey do you wanna maybe share a starter? I’m not that hungry yet…”

“Jen,” Judy tilts her head, “I’ve seen the prices on here, maybe we can just get a main?”

“I want you to have the full _shabam_ Jude.” Jen resists, nudging the menu.

“Right, but I don’t need wining and dining…”

“But I want to-“

“And I’m grateful, so let’s share a starter, get drinks, mains and split the cost.” Judy offers.

Jen tuts, “I’m taking _you_ out though-“

“And you still are, Jen.” Judy deadpans.

Jen turns her lip up in defeat. “Alright we can split…thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me.” Judy taps her hand lightly.

“What about dessert?” Jen asks.

“We’ll save that for later.” Judy winks, and covers her smirk with the menu.

Their starters come fairly quickly, they’re sharing a bowl of soup. Judy insists on Jen being the one to try it first and so she does, blowing the steaming liquid before trying.

“Good?”

Jen confirms with a nod. “Here…” She spoons a little from the side of the dish so it’s not as hot, blows on it twice and then holds the spoon out to Judy. “Open.” Cupping her hand under the spoon, she eases it into Judy’s mouth, and Judy’s giggling so it’s far from elegant, her teeth hit the spoon and Jen cringes.

“Well that wasn’t romantic at all.” Jen wipes the soup from around Judy’s mouth with a napkin and takes another spoonful for herself.

She laughs and uses her own spoon for the next mouthful, complimenting the good amount of flavour quantity.

For the main course, Judy orders a pasta dish, with grilled goat cheese and cherry tomatoes, garlic bread comes as a side, while Jen chooses practically the same but the meat version, chicken Alfredo pasta and she forgoes the garlic bread telling Judy she’s gained some pounds recently. “ _You look beautiful”_ Judy tells her and Jen replies with a halfhearted shrug, blushing from ear to ear.

“It’s so nice out here.” Judy twiddles pasta around her fork, looking up at the stars in the night sky and the beaming lights coming from the buildings below them. Luckily there wasn’t even a cloud in the star speckled sky, and there was a certain warmth in the air, although perhaps it was just hot flushes from the wine. A full moon hovers above the luminous cityscape, slightly clouded by a fair fog. “The moon’s out tonight.” Judy comments and Jen takes another bite of chicken before looking up to where Judy points.

“Do you know what a full moon symbolises?” Judy asks.

“Nope but I know you do, tell me.” Jen encourages, putting down her knife and fork and resting her chin on her hands.

Judy grins, leaning forward in her seat as if telling a secret. “It represents completion, clarity and a time to reflect on what you’ve achieved, it means you’ve realised your desires…”

Jen hums, “and have you?”

Judy asks “what?”

To which Jen answers quickly “reached your _desires_ …” with a sultry smirk.

Judy smiles, taking Jen in, she leans over on the table, her arm positioning pushing her cleavage prominently. Her arms are tense, hands linked under her chin, and Judy watches as her tongue darts out to lick sauce from her bottom lip. She leans closer, and with a smile she says. “I think so…”

*

When they arrive home, Jen kicks off her heels and takes a sigh of relief.

“God those shoes have been killing me…”

Judy takes her hand and leads her to the kitchen, she needs a glass of water and she wants Jen to come with her just because. Jen complies, lazily swinging their hands as she follows.

“I’ve loved tonight.” Judy says, letting go of Jen’s hand to run the tap, Jen feels slightly lost without it and she flexes her fingers before folding her arms emptily.

“Me too.” Jen replies, rounding the kitchen counter to put the car keys on the side.

“I think it’s been the best date I’ve ever been on, _Steve_ always wanted to shut me up with a posh fancy restaurant dinner and then we’d go home and end up having sex to drown out the silence, it’s so different with us…”

Jen winces, “can we not mention that asshole.”

Judy downs the water in one, a little dehydrated, they hadn’t had a lot to drink, just a glass of red with their meals. Jen watches, a drop of water drips down the side of Judy’s mouth and she catches it with her hand before it slides off her chin. The flush on her cheeks and slight blur in her eyes is quite hot, and the way her hand tenses when she slams the glass back on the side when she’s done has Jen transfixed.

“That other part sounds good though…” Jen poses casually, as if she isn’t asking her best friend slash whatever they are now to go upstairs and have _fucking sex_ with her. Truthfully the thought is terrifying, she’s extremely out of practice and she’s never actually _practiced_ at all with a woman. Or anyone since her chest become a war zone.

“Huh?” Judy frowns and then realises with a slight chuckle, “oh…”

Jen nods, “yeah, I mean I’d like to but we don’t have to obviously-“

“Jen.” Judy stops her out of character rambling, rounding the counter to Jen’s side where she brushes a lock of hair from her face gently, looking up into those ocean blue eyes she’s come to feel at home in. Jen takes a breath, calming under Judy’s gentle touch. And then she ignites again, breath quickening when Judy leans forward to kiss her, hand tangling in that same lock of hair. Jen’s places her hand on Judy’s back to pull her closer, the need to touch every part of her was consuming. Judy fists her hair now, gently still but passion seeps through her clutching fingers, her mouth opening eagerly. Jen’s back hits the kitchen counter, one hand comes to rest on it to balance while the other hooks around Judy’s neck. Thankfully the counter’s there to support her, because she thinks she would’ve collapsed on the floor right there and then with how week her knees are, how she can’t feel anything other than the stroke of Judy’s tongue against her own. Judy’s warm hands on her cheek and jaw and hair.

And then they’re gone, Judy pulls back and takes Jen’s hand. “Let’s go upstairs.” She poses, not quite a question, but not firm enough to be a statement either, her eyes wait widely, hopefully for a response.

Jen wordlessly takes Judy’s hand, walking to the stairs quickly and then turning around at the bottom, walking up them backwards as she draws Judy towards her again, connecting their lips in another kiss hungrily, Judy steadies her with a hand on her hips. Jen makes it to the top and then turns back to pull Judy into their bedroom. Jen draws the blinds shut and debates whether to turn the light on, _her scars_ , and Judy must notice her deliberation because she walks to the lamps on either side of the bed and turns them on. The small gleam less intimidating than the ceiling light.

“Just um…” Jen gestures with her hands nervously, because _of course she’s fucking nervous,_ Judy is practically a goddess and here she is about to _do this_ with her. “Just so you know I haven’t done this before, with a woman.” Not that she expects Judy to have done, it’s just a slight feeling. The way she’s so confident, and the way she compliments women on their looks on the tv as well as the men. Jen knew Judy had been with Steve, she’s just never thought to ask about any past relationships, she feels slightly guilty since Judy knows of all the shitty one night stands she had in college, and those after but before Ted, (all is an exaggeration, it wasn’t that many.)

Judy shrugs, “you’ve never done pottery before but you got a hold of that quickly enough…”

“True.” She guesses.

“But if I could give you a tip…” Judy steps forward, leaning impossibly close to Jen, their noses almost touch, “just use your hands like you did today…” she whispers in her ear, kissing her jaw line as she brings her head back to look at her straight on. Jen swallows and nods, “sounds simple enough…” Jen pulls Judy back into her, loosing herself in just the kiss, she can’t imagine how she’ll be after.

Judy’s hands come to Jen’s back, fingers spreading as hands move up and down. Judy brings her leg up around Jen’s waist with her encouragement, the blonde gripping her thigh and supporting her as she drops back onto the bed. It creaks underneath their weight and Judy laughs against Jen’s mouth, small puffs of air making Jen pull back. She’s smiling, and it’s not long until their lips are back, a little greedily, moving in unison. Judy moves further to the top of the bed and Jen follows, it’s difficult since they’re still kissing but they manage. Even when Jen accidentally nudges her knee into Judy’s stomach, she apologised quickly but Judy laughs it off, blowing hair from her flustered cheeks while they pause to catch their breaths. Jen practically melts when she takes her in, practically glowing under the soft lighting.

“You’re beautiful.” Jen murmurs before leaning down to trail kisses over Judy’s warm, slightly sweaty neck. All the way up to her ear, where Jen teases the lobe gently, Judy exhales slowly and rocks her hips slightly, impatiently.

Slowly, Jen makes her way down Judy’s jaw, neck and then she’s peppering light kisses along her chest. Jen quickly takes the necklace off she’s wearing, dangling it over the bedside table until it pools and she releases the chain. The slight pause gives her the confidence to move further down Judy’s body, leaving small red marks as she goes from her lipstick.

Judy reaches up to swipe at her lips with her thumb, it’s already smudged and it makes Jen look _insanely hot_. Judy tugs her down once again and while kissing, she moves her hands to Jen’s dress, stroking up and down her side over smooth fabric that hugs the slight curves. Jen’s own hands run down her chest, and she moans softly as Jen palms over her breasts.

“Sorry I got carried away…” Jen says pulling back quickly.

“No…” Judy tugs Jen’s hands to small sleeves of the dress, “I liked it,” she says and that encourages Jen to hook her fingers under the sleeve and pull it down over her shoulders, the fabric loose enough to be pulled all the way down to her stomach where it bunches up beneath Jen’s thighs.

“Oh, you did?” Jen leans down, her front presses against Judy and closes any distance left between them, their bodies coming together as one.

“Mhm I did.” Judy grins, biting on her lip to stop herself crying out already when Jen squeezes her beasts, when her thumb runs over her left nipple gently. You know you said you’ve never done this before-“ Judy let’s out an ‘ _oh’_ , hips lifting as a wave of pleasure rushes down her body, Jen trails over her nipple with her tongue, “but you seem to be an expert at it already.” She finishes, and the fist that’s not in Jen’s hair clutches the sheets.

“Can I take this off?” Jen practically purrs in her ear, her breath and hair tickles her ear and gives her goosebumps all over.

Judy nods and lifts up a little so Jen can reach her arms behind her back and undo her bra, it’s strapless so Jen can just pull it away from the front, she flings it somewhere, they’ll find out tomorrow where exactly, but all Judy can care about is the feel of her breasts against Jen’s chest, and her fingers tracing over the indents from her bra on her back. It’s unbelievably slow and Judy quivers impatiently.

“Jen, I appreciate you easing us into this but I’m gonna need you to sped this up a little bit-“

Jen laughs deliciously in her ear, and she holds Judy’s face in her hands when she leans backwards a little, “alright bossy,” she says rolling her eyes teasingly.

Jen’s about to take Judy’s dress off when Judy stops her with a hand on her wrist. “Wait-“

“Is something wrong?”

“No, course not I just…” Judy braces herself for Jen sinking into herself, “I want to see you as well…”

Jen nods slowly, taking a deep breath. “Alright…”

She doesn’t sound sure, and Judy fingers the zipper at the back of Jen’s dress. “Do you trust me?”

_Completely._ “Yeah.”

Judy nods, slowly pulling down the zipper to the bottom, leaving the choice of pulling the dress down to Jen. Judy takes her own dress off in the meantime, just pulling it down enough so her top half is bare, the dress bunches at her waist.

“Can you-“ Jen pauses, bending her head self consciously. “Do you mind closing your eyes? Just until…” Jen trails off, shaking her head as she truffles to find the words.

When she looks up Judy’s already closed them, and blindly she reaches out to hold one of Jen’s hands. There’s a burning inside of her that _wants_ Judy to see everything, to feel every part of her. A distant voice in her head is saying they’re ugly, Ted thought they were ugly, _why won’t Judy_ , but Judy’s not Ted. But she may be the love of Jen’s life, which she just realises in this moment because she didn’t think she’d even consider trusting anyone ever again. Jen wants to say it, but she bites her lip, instead she lets go of Judy’s hand to pull down her dress, she didn’t wear a bra with this dress. Jen looks down at her own chest, eyes tearing up at the red lines scratched into her skin. She averts her eyes, even after all this time she can’t look at them for long. Jen looks up at Judy, who’s still got her eyes closed.

“Okay, you can open.” Her voice sounds so unlike her, quietly so and without edge. It’s vulnerable, and she braces herself for any sign of hesitation in Judy.

If never comes, Judy opens and manages to keep a straight face, Jen doesn’t know if she tries hard to or whether it’s easy. Judy reaches a hand forward and touches the surprisingly cold skin, Judy’s shocked at that, and she delicately brushes her fingers over the raised scars, some more than others. Jen’s breath hitches as Judy whispers “ _you’re beautiful”_ and she doesn’t want to be one of those _fucking weirdos_ that cries during sex so Jen pulls Judy down into a searing kiss quickly, Judy’s happy to comply and the heat is back up again, desire creeping its way in replace of embarrassment, vulnerability.

Judy strikes up and down Jen’s chest with her fingers, moving in the same rhythm as their lips do against each other’s. A warmth pools between Jen’s legs when Judy replaces her fingers with her mouth, and she whispers “fuck” in the crook of Judy’s neck. Jen arches her back making her even closer to Judy, and she shifts off of Judy’s lap to take her dress all the way down, flinging it off of the bed carelessly.

“Someone’s eager…” Judy teases, tilting her head quite cockily. Jen finds it hot.

“Says _someone_.” Jen chirps back, hand making its way to the waistband of Judy’s underwear that peeks up underneath the green netting of her dress. Jen fingers the material, waiting for a nod before going any further, but Judy grabs her wrist and pushes her hand down desperately.

“You’re already wet…” Jen says, the feel of Judy through her underwear on her fingertips is overwhelmingly sexy.

Judy’s breath shudders as Jen traces her fingers up and down the length of her underwear, “you sound surprised…”

Jen smirks, applying a little more pressure and watching as Judy huffs impatiently.

“Jen…”

She decides to give in, slipping her fingers underneath the lace into a slick wetness, taking a few seconds to enjoy the feel of Judy’s freshly shaved ( _it’s as if she fucking knew, unlike Jen who’s fairly unprepared down there, although it’s not her fault her electric shaver broke last night)_ wet, pulsating skin on her fingers.

“Oh god…” Judy moans as Jen takes down her underwear and parts her lips, one hand holding her legs apart. Judy sits up slightly, leaning against the headboard to watch Jen start circling her fingers against her clit. She looks up to check if she’s doing okay, and by the closed eyes and gaping jaw, she guesses she’s doing just fine.

“Faster Jen…”

Jen complies, harder too, feeling the twitch of Judy’s thigh between her clutching fingers.

“-my god _, yes…”_

Her wrist work faster, and Jen moves her other hand to palm Judy’s breast, squeezing and then plucking over her hardened nipple.

“You like that?” Jen whispers, and Judy rolls her hips in her fingers in response, exhaling as a response.

She keeps talking, whispering in her ear until Judy clenches underneath her finger tips, her whole body jerking upwards into her hand, and Jen moves her other hand quickly behind her head so she doesn’t bang it against the headboard. Jen kisses her through the wave of pleasure that ripples through Judy’s body, she cries out Jen’s name into her lips as she comes and Jen wants it to engrave in her memory forever, the sheer pleasure in Judy’s eyes as she slowly starts to breathe normally again after riding out her high is magic, and if Jen were a painter like Judy was she’d paint her like this. Free, relaxed and insanely beautiful.

“Judy I fucking love you…” Jen whispers, “I was going to wait to tell you but I can’t, I want you to know that I love you with _everything_ I am and I really hope you feel the same”, she says shamelessly, she can’t hold it in any longer.

Judy brings a hand up to Jen’s face lazily, her palms are red from gripping the sheets, and she cups Jen’s jaw. “I love you too, so much.” Judy whispers.

Jen slides off her then to lay beside her, hugging up close to Judy’s arm. A few moments pass while Judy recovers, Jen loosely holding her hand and kissing her bare shoulder every so often.

Judy slings an arm over her waist then, “can I show you how much?”

Jen nods against the pillow with a small smile, laughing when Judy goes ‘yesss’ and fist bumps the air. She moves to straddle Jen’s lap, hips grinding against Jen’s centre as she holds Jen’s hips.

“You’re gorgeous…” Jen says again, bringing her own hands to Judy’s waist and moving with her as she moves hips.

Jen groans at the friction then and Judy takes the hint, bringing her palm to rub against Jen’s underwear, it’s soaked and Judy tells her so with a laugh. She quickly removes her lingerie, that’s dark purple and _totally_ Jen’s vibe, and brings her hand back to Jen’s throbbing centre.

“Fuck Judy…Keep going…”

Judy didn’t think Jen would be as vocal, but she definitely loves that she is. She works her fingers faster from side to side and suddenly is engulfed in a wet heat. She had the urge to use her tongue, to taste her, and as she moves down the bed Judy lifts her head, silently asking Jen if it’s okay.

It makes Jen want it even more, in every way and she says “please Judy just fucking do something because I feel like I’m about to explode…”

Judy doesn’t need asking twice, Jen’s sexy when she’s angry, and Judy smirks as she pulls her legs further apart and dips her head. She kisses the top part, a crease is there from where her underwear’s been, and then makes her way down, lapping up the slick warmth. Judy flicks her tongue and starts a rhythm, up and down, and Jen cries out the moment her tongue makes contact with her clit.

“Oh god…” Jen elongates the ‘g’, hissing through her teeth as Judy starts circling with her tongue.

“Yes, baby…”

Judy keeps her tongue moving, occasionally sucking and then it’s like a tsunami, Jen’s wall breaks and she collapses back into the bed, Judy pulls her head up and kisses her thighs as Jen rides out her electric orgasm.

“That was amazing…” Judy whispers, wiping her mouth with the back of her wrist before coming up to seal it with a kiss, a soft, slow peck against Jen’s lips. Her breath laboured against Judy’s mouth.

They fall asleep after peeing and a quick face wash, Judy grabs nightmare from Jen’s drawer for the two of them and then slips into bed beside Jen, turning off both lamps as she goes. Jen’s still tired out, and her eyes are closed as Judy lays down with her head on her chest, wrapping one arm around Jen’s front.

“I love you,” Judy whispers, kissing Jen’s nose before nesting her head back on Jen’s chest.

Jen pulls the sheets further over the two of them, “love you too,” and then falls into a deep, satisfied slumber. 


	15. Love you like I’ll lose you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy!  
> Sorry for the wait on this chapter, I just didn’t have an idea of where to take this story next, I think if I’m honest it’s coming to an end, as much as I’ve enjoyed writing this story I can’t wait to start the next (I don’t have one in mind so comment suggestions or prompts!). I made the end of this chapter the way it is because I needed something to prompt Jen into seeking out her dad, leading Judy to want to do the same. I think coming full circle with the parents, especially Judy’s (get ready for Jen vs Eleanor) seems like the best thing to do in order for Judy to fully be at peace and be happy with Jen. 
> 
> Hope everyone likes this chapter! 
> 
> :) X

Sunlight casts in through the slit in the blinds, Jen’s the one facing the window so the intensity of the light wakes her up. She stirs, blinks to get rid of the dog in her eyes and she comes around, a little concerned at first by the sleeping body beside her but then she remembers their night. Their amazing, mind blowing night, even if Jen thinks so herself. Her back is a little sore from the position she’d been laid in holding Judy from behind, but that’s a fair price she’ll gladly pay to have Judy close to her like this. She’s facing Jen now, bangs almost covering her closed eyelids and hair splayed on the pillow. It reminds her of tipsy sleepovers when they were younger, Judy in her ¾ sized bed tucked in close beside her.

Jen leans up to check the clock behind Judy on the bedside drawers, its probably the latest she’d woken up since her college years, 10:30am, and it’s just another example of why being with Judy is freeing. There’s no _rules_ with her, whereas with Ted she was the early riser, she got the boys ready for school and then let him take the credit just because he woke up in time to drop them off, she’d head to work and grind herself all day to pay the mortgage for _his_ choice of home while Ted played parent of the year at the school gates. She’s never just been able to lay in bed before without the need to send an email or attempt to make breakfast clawing at her. And she revels in it.

Judy’s the first to wake up around an hour later, Jen having fallen back to sleep. It’s to a face of blonde hair and light snores and it makes Judy smile sleepily. Her hand cups Jen’s cheek and she runs her thumb along her cheek bone, soft warm skin seeping into her cold hand, she’s always cold. Judy huddles closer to Jen, shivering a little despite the beaming sunlight. Blankets pull up around her head and she moves into Jen’s chest who unconsciously leans closer, arms parting for Judy. Their faces touch, Judy’s nose to nose with Jen and she loves it, the tickle of Jen’s breath on her face, she laughs at the difference between now and a few hours ago where Jen’s breath was pants and screams. It wakes Jen up, and grins before opening her eyes.

“Are you watching me sleep?”

Judy laughs lightly, “I might be.”

“Perv.”

“Shut up…” Judy lightly hits Jen on the arm with her hand, then pecks her nose.

Jen opens her eyes then, going cross eyed as she looks at Judy. She pulls back slightly and blinks to get rid of the sleep in her eyes.

“Morning.” Jen murmurs, snuggling deeper into the pillow that seems way more comfortable with Judy in her bed.

“Good morning!” Judy says, still smiling widely. Jen, for once, can’t blame her after last night.

There’s obviously no regrets and a weight lifts off of their shoulders when they silently address that issue with more lazy kisses and roaming hands.

When Judy sees the time she jumps up into action, saying that she’s going to make them brunch in bed and she orders Jen not to move with a ‘please…’, which Jen rolls her eyes at when she’s left the room but she remains in bed, checking her phone while Judy potters around in the kitchen. She ends up making pancakes and bringing up a tray of fruit and decorative sauces, the strawberries are eaten teasingly, by Jen, who sucks on each one with a wink before swallowing. They share the bowls, carefully balanced on the bed in front of them, and Jen, who usually is a stiffer about crumbs and food in her bed, spoons pancakes and Nutella into Judy’s mouth unexpectedly only for her to wipe chocolate all over the white sheets. She’ll have to clean them anyways.

*

When Jen arrives to Steve’s house on Monday he’s outside leant up against his car waiting for her, kicking a pebble underneath his feet as if he’s been waiting ages. She’s on time. Checking her makeup in the mirror before leaving, Jen takes a breath and forces a smile, grabs her bag and then climbs out of the car and wipes down her dress unconsciously. She shuts the car door behind her and strides over to Steve swinging her handbag over her shoulder.

“Steve, good afternoon.” Her tone takes a professional edge, her smile hurts.

“Finally…” He mutters, she hears but clenches her jaw together.

“So, if you’ll hand over the keys and the paper work…”

“Oh.” Steve throws his keys her way, she catches them with one hand and twirls them on her finger. “The paper work is already lined up on the counter, and I’ve not had time to clear the basement-“

“Well that’s what I’m here for.” Jen assures, a hand on his shoulder, it almost burns.

Steve practically _fucking_ melts into it, _he’s too easy_. Nodding he says “yeah, thanks Jen,” and it would be genuine if Jen didn’t see the drool dripping from his mouth like some male porn star. She backs up and nods her head.

“I’ll go and get started.”

“Just keep the keys when your done and I’ll collect them on our next meeting.”

That’s surprising, and maybe this will all be easier than she thought.

“Great, goodbye Steve.”

Steve waves a hand and steps into his car, speeding off down the street with skidding tyres. Jen sighs, _dick,_ and makes her way up into his house.

A rustle in her bag reminds her of the little device toy thing Judy had made her bring to keep her updated, a Walk-y Talk-y. One of Henry’s she thinks, she’d asked to borrow it and Jen had questioned whether this woman was 40 odd or 4 years old, they had phones she didn’t understand why it was needed. But Judy had been so _fucking_ excited when Jen had agreed to take one in her bag, reluctantly, and had said they were ‘like spies’.

Jen dumps her bag on the kitchen counter beside the paper work and removes her jacket, tossing it messily on the counter as if to spite Steve. Her own tidiness forces her to hang it over the back of the chair a few minutes later though. Taking the Walk-y Talk-y from her bag, she fiddles with it for a bit before remembering what Judy had said, _click the button and hold_.

“Judy… I don’t fucking know if I’m doing this thing right but, if I’m not then I’m just talking to fucking thin air so… like maybe answer if you’re there, Judy?”

Jen sighs, but then there’s a few scuffling noises and Judy’s muffled voice is coming through.

“Jen!”

She’s whispering.

“Jen are you inside?”

Jen shakes her head amusedly, “yeah, baby-you don’t have to whisper ya know? Steve’s not here.” If he was she wouldn’t be speaking into a weird phone toy.

“I know.” Judy’s voice gets louder and a giggle accompanies, “I’m just embracing the spy spirit ya know?”

“We aren’t spies Jude.”

“Sure…” Judy laughs. “Anyway, have you gone into the basement yet?”

“No, he’s conveniently left it untouched so…”

“There’s a lock on the basement, he probably forgot to tell you that part.”

Jen huffs, _idiot_ , “yep,” she heads over to the door beside the utility room, and Judy’s right, there’s a lock on the door asking for 3 numbers. “Do you know the passcode?”

Judy doesn’t respond for a second and Jen thinks she’s lost connection, “Jude?”

“Sorry, I’m thinking…” Judy’s side is silent for a few more moments, then there’s a click, “oh! I remember, I think it’s 696”

Jen slides the numbers in place and sure enough, it opens. “Huh, it opened.” Jen slides the lock off of the door and heads inside and down the stairs, it’s musty and Jen coughs at the thick air.

“There’s a light switch beside the stair case to your…left.”

Jen turns her head at the bottom of the stairs and reaches out to blindly find a switch. “Aha.” She flicks it on and the basement comes into view.

“Fuck…”

Everything is in boxes, there’s about five dozens stacked up all on top of each other, without labels, making her job of finding Judy’s paintings-if they’re even in here-ten times harder.

“Are you busy?” Jen asks.

…

Judy appears half an hour later with grocery store sandwiches, two packets of chips and a flavoured water. She makes a little table out of one of the boxes and kneels on the floor beside it to eat her Falafel sandwich while Jen hints at her with her eyes to come and help rummage through the boxes, she’s been doing it by herself for the past ten minutes while Judy comments on how good her _ass_ looks and how _strong_ her arms her, it’s distracting yet Jen finds herself smiling into box faces behind Judy and her makeshift picnic.

Soon, with Judy’s help after Jen agreed to eat her chicken salad sandwich and Cheetos, they’re about halfway through the boxes, so far having found nothing other than old war medals from Steve’s grandfather, old photo albums that must be Lorna’s because they’re all of Steve and his twin brother Ben Jen didn’t realise he even has, and a wad of fake dollar bills. No paintings. Jen’s starting to get restless, they’ve been in here hours, if feels like, and it’s like a sauna with how hot it’s getting.

Finally, something gives.

“Jen! I got them…”

“What?” Jen moves the box to see Judy.

“Look, I can’t reach thought hold on-“

“No!” Jen pushes past before Judy stands on the other boxes to reach the top one, “You’ll fall, let me…”

Judy stands aside and hovers her hand behind Jen’s back as she stretches and reaches up for the box without stepping on the box as a makeshift ladder, a moment of cheer when she drags the box down with a slam to the floor. Jen tears the tape around the box and then pries open the top.

“Jackpot!”

Jen nods her head, looking up at Judy with a smile. They make quick work of transporting the box upstairs and into Judy’s backseat, Jen does still have to clean the house after all, and once they’ve ate the rest of the lunch Judy had brought in Judy’s car Jen leaves Judy with a chaste kiss and a wave from Steve’s doorway.

Once she’s done with putting the boxes back into place, Jen quickly takes photographs of upstairs, lingering in the now empty nursery. She’s glad she got the blanket before Steve could get rid of it like he seemingly has done with everything else. She sighs and snaps a photograph and then closes the door behind her to head into the next room. The master bedroom has Steve written all over it in the form of his clothes littered around the room, she gags when moving one of his socks to hide under the pillow on the bed for a photograph. The balcony is a lovely addition, and Jen revels in the fresh air while doing some measuring up and more photographing outside. It makes her want to use her own balcony more actually, she makes a mental note to take Judy out there when she’s home, she’s been living with them for a while now and she still hasn’t been out there.

Steve calls once she’s finished the master bedroom and asks how it’s going, she says it’s fine and not to worry. He asks to see some photos and she sends them over to him, Steve’s pretty pleased with how they turned out and she can tell his enthusiasm about selling the house through the phone. She’s pretty proud of herself too, if she can secure a deal for this it’ll be the best and most successful listing yet. With the commission and Judy’s paintings, the mortgage will be old news and Charlie will be able to have this laptop he _so desires_. And Judy had promised Henry a canvas and a paint set of his own if she managed to retrieve her paintings, Jen’s glad he didn’t get his hopes up for nothing.

*

Steve doesn’t find out about the paintings, he doesn’t even notice they’re gone. He proceeds with his house as normal and Jen’s glad things are moving swiftly on so that she can be done with helping him. When Judy had said that her paintings had money in them she literally meant _in_ them, and when Jen returned home that same night after retrieving them Judy had handed her a canvas and told her to pretend it was Steve’s or Ted’s face and smash it. So she did without fucking question and cheered gleefully when money had spilled out of the back, she’s smashed the back so Judy can reframe them.

So, they cleared the mortgage debt, brought Henry some art sets as well as his own karaoke machine, Judy’s planning on treating Charlie to his own car so it’s only fair. He still gets his laptop and he hugs them both in thanks, Judy first, which makes her smile and tear up just a little.

They’re on their way back home in a shiny, new black Range Rover car, a red ribbon tied on the top in decoration. Jen drives, Judy makes jokes about needing to sip pin-a coladas in the rain while in Bora Bora; Jen suggested they take a vacation there after everything. It’s not like they don’t have the money. Going away with Jen and the boys to somewhere with a crystal ocean, new culture and sun sounds like heaven to Judy.

“So it’s a deal?”

Judy widens her eyes as if to say, ‘ _as if I’m gonna say no to that offer_ ’, “of course! We can start looking at all inclusive a when we’re home.”

Jen grins, not only at the holiday possibility but the way ‘home’ slips so easily off of Judy’s tongue now. Like _she_ believes that it’s home too.

“Ugh good.” Jen shakes her head, moving on, “Charlie will love this car, thanks for this.”

Judy’s hand, that’s resting on her thigh while she drives, squeezes and pats her leg. “I wanted to give him something, it’s not like he can drive it yet though…”

“Yeah, I’ll finally have to get him a license.” Jen says, and Judy notices there’s a strain in her throat, as if she’s reluctant about doing so. Judy recognises the look on Jen’s face as one that’s just worried about their kid, Charlie’s growing up and Jen hates it. Maybe because it reminds her of herself and her own life when she was his age, a childhood plagued with hospitals and chemotherapy and cancer. Or maybe just because he’s growing up too fast, meaning Jen’s getting older too, older than her mother ever was.

“He’ll be a good driver, I can tell.” Judy tells her, “he’s confident yet not cocky, he’s sensible.”

Jen nods in agreement, “you don’t think he’ll be a sheep with his friends then? Ya know, offer to drive them round and-“ Jen trails off sighing, Charlie’s not stupid, she knows that. He wouldn’t do anything to put himself in danger in a car, she hopes anyway. Judy seems to have faith in him though.

“You’re a good driver, was Ted?”

Jen scoffs, “no he fucking wasn’t, one time he _crashed_ into another car while reversing-“

“No…”

“Yeah, so embarrassing-“

“God, well I bet Charlie will get his driving skills from you…” Judy says, like it’s a good thing and Jen smirks proudly.

“Yeah I hope he fucking does because mamma can drive-“

…

There’s a ringing in her ear, smoke coming from all around her suddenly. A rattle of glass falling to the floor. The grinding of cars smashing together echoes loudly in Judy’s pounding head. She hears voices but they’re blurred, someone tapping on the car door her head leans on. She can’t open her eyes straight away, and it’s only the feel of something wet and sticky on her cheek that makes her sit up in shock. Judy winces and a shaky hand comes up to her face, bringing back a coat of blood on her fingers as she pulls her hand away to grab on to the seat belt digging into her neck. She pulls it away from her and squints at the people outside, they’re saying something about an ambulance and a car crash. Judy turns her head to the dashboard that’s covered in shattered glass, the car radio half hanging out of its socket. Only then does she realise there’s a weight on her shoulder, _Jen._

Judy sits up suddenly, taking a breath to calm the nausea and dizziness, and turning her head to Jen.

“ _No…”_

Judy lifts Jen’s head up with her hand, cradling her limp head. Judy’s eyes widen as she sees the glass stuck in the side of Jen’s head, blood pouring down the side of her cheek, the red a stark contrast from her pale skin.

“Jen…” _This can’t be happening._ Judy trails the blood trickling from Jen’s right eyebrow, eyes roaming down to where her arm lays across Judy’s lap. She’d pushed her back, Judy shakes her head at the thought and taps Jen’s shoulder repeatedly, stroking her face, yelling her name, telling her how much she loves her, _anything,_ Jen can’t die, not when she pushed her back into the seat to save her from the wreckage. She won’t wake up.

“Jen please, _I love you_ so much-“

A lady outside the car asks her if she’s okay, if she hurts anywhere, and Judy tells her Jen won’t respond. She manages to snap herself out of her frantic state enough to tell the woman that Jen has a pulse but she thinks it’s week, truthfully she’s not sure; she could be imagining the faint beat against her fingertips because she needs to hear it, she needs Jen to be okay. Judy opens the car door then and holds onto the back seat so she doesn’t fall out from where she’s been slumped against the door. Everything hurts, and the cut on her face from whoever the blood trails from stings, but when the ambulance arrive she tells them to focus on Jen, not her. She’s fine as long as Jen will be.

They drag Jen out of the car like a rag doll, fire engines arrive on the scene and have to cut away some of the car trapping Jen’s legs. Judy waits with a foil sheet around her back and when she scans the scene she notices that the other car they’d slammed into isn’t there, she frowns and cranes her neck to look around but it’s no where to be seen. A paramedic, Dave, asks her to come and wait in the ambulance so he can stitch her forehead and check for signs of concussion but she refuses to budge until Jen’s inside. She rushes to her side once they load her onto a stretcher and holds her hand beside the other paramedics carrying the stretcher.

“It’s going to be okay sweetie I promise…” Judy says fruitlessly, she has no idea whether she will be or not and it terrifies her.

On the drive to the hospital she has to throw up, she’s not sure whether it’s because of the concussion or because Jen’s still lifeless beside her, her hand lays cold in her own and despite the blonde being knocked out unconscious Judy desperately prays for a gentle squeeze back. The ambulance drives quickly and blue sirens flash against the windows, the only comfort for Judy being Jen’s chest raising up and down, she doesn’t take her eyes off of it until she’s pulled away when they arrive at the hospital. It’s a scramble of doctors and nurses and grabbing hands and then Judy’s calling Charlie to tell him about the accident while being patched up by a kind nurse named Elenor who’s allowed her to use her phone.

It’s hard to describe the boys’ faces when they rush into the hospital, Henry first, he barrels into her and asks a hundred and one questions about the accident and her slowly bruising eye and where his mother is. Judy tells them as much as she knows, telling them that because she’s not listed as family they haven’t let her see Jen yet.

“I don’t even know if she’s had surgery or whether she’s even-“

“It’s okay, I’ll go get a doctor, grandma isn’t far behind by the way…” Charlie tells her to sit and steers herself and Henry to a pair of chairs. It’s like her feet are numb and she can’t even feel them moving. She can just about register Henry’s warm hand in her own, gripping tightly in worry.

They hear Lorna before actually seeing her, she’s shouting at one of the receptionists until Henry runs over to hug her. Judy shifts uncomfortably in the seat, impatiently waiting for Charlie to come back. Lorna shakes her head when she sees Judy and does something quite surprising. She hugs her. A one arm around the neck for a brief few seconds sort of hug. But it’s a hug nonetheless and Judy’s grateful for it.

“Hey guys the doctor says he’ll take us to mom…” Charlie yells from down the corridor and Henry runs off in his direction, Judy doesn’t even reprimand him about running indoors because if she could she’d run all the way to Jen’s room too. Lorna follows behind and pushes the doctor for answers, Judy’s thankful she’s there because she still can’t find her own voice.

“Miss Harding suffered a serious head trauma, the impact of the crash caused a contusion…”

They stop walking outside of a hospital room, patients covered by mere curtains.

“It’s a bruise on the brain.” He elaborates, “she also needs an operation on her left wrist, it’s broken in two places, we hope to get her into surgery within the next couple of hours, the nurses are in there dressing the lacerations on her temple, you’ll be able to go in once they’ve finished.”

They look at him in shock, Henry’s face looks as if he’d just seen a ghost, and Judy reaches for his hand before asking.

“The bruise on her brain, what does that mean?”

The doctor pulls out a scan from the file he’s carrying under his arm to support his explanation and illustrates on Jen’s brain scans. “See here…This indicates some swelling so Jennifer is currently in a medically induced coma while her body heals. We’re hoping to bring her round in a few days but when we do we’ll have to test Jennifer’s coordination, memory, reaction time to see how much effect the contusion has had. Then we can start making a plan for recovery…”

Lorna asks questions after while the doctor does his best to respond and Judy’s grateful because it feels as if for the second time that day she’s been hit by a car. Her chest aches and twists violently under her skin, the only place she was injured was her forehead. She can’t see Jen yet but she can imagine what state she’s in, wires hooked left right and centre while a monotone machine beeps next to the bedside.

“Can we see her now?” Charlie asks and it draws Judy out of her spiralling, she desperately wants to see her even if it is in that state.

“You may, but I need to ask that you do so two at a time, your mother is still very sick, there’s a button to press to call if you need us, press that right away if anything changes.”

“Thank you.” Judy says, turning to Charlie and Henry once he’s left.

“Are you two okay?” She asks, because she isn’t but she can pretend she is, she wants them to let her know if they’re worried or scared and not keep it bottled up inside. Charlie looks like he wants to punch someone and cry at the same time.

Henry nods his head, “I prayed for mom on the way here, holy harmonies are going to have a group prayer at rehearsal too, I think God will make sure she’s okay.”

Judy wishes she had his faith, and her own but right now she can’t seem to find that little ounce of belief inside of her. It’s just pain and desperate hope.

She thinks Charlie rolls his eyes, but she crouches down to Henry and smiles the best she can, “that’s lovely Henry, the doctors are very clever people aren’t they? If anyone can help your mom it’s them…”

Judy stands upright and reaches an arm out to Charlie, gladly wrapping it over his shoulders when he doesn’t pull away. “Would you two like to go and see your mom first?”

Charlie relaxes under her shoulders a little and then shrugs out of her hold, taking her hand. “Judy I think you should go see her first, I can’t even imagine what she was like when you last saw her…” Charlie winces thinking about it and he must see it on Judy’s face too because he nudges her in the direction of where Jen’s laid up. “Go, Henry and I can go get something from the cafeteria and then we’ll see her when we get back.”

Henry nods in agreement. Judy quickly hugs them both and then watches as they head in the direction of the elevator with Lorna, she’s kindly offered to drive home and grab Jen some pyjamas and essentials which had earned her another hug from Judy.

Judy walks briskly by the other bedsides, she hated hospitals beforehand but seeing people laid up in a row of beds like this is horrific. They all have family around them, some have nurses tending to their various wounds and broken bones and Judy quickens her pace to the end of the row where Jen is.

When she sees Jen she can’t help jogging the last distance between them to her bedside and taking her wounded face delicately in her hands and capturing Jen’s lips in her own. Judy presses little chaste kisses on her lips, pulling back after each one to roam her eyes over Jen’s face, gradually tearing up as she does so. Judy stands and takes Jen’s hand in between both of her own, tracing her fingers around the iv line attracted to her arm. Jen’s other arm is wrapped in a temporary cast until the surgery, she laughs lightly despite herself as she imagines Jen’s reaction to it. 

“I can’t wait to draw on your cast Jen…” Judy whispers tearfully, leaning down to stroke over Jen’s bloody and matted hair with one hand. “I’m not sure whether they do black casts so, you’re gonna have a hard time matching one to your outfits…”

There’s a flicker over Jen’s eyelids and for a minute Judy thinks she’s waking up but the room is still silent after a few minutes of holding her breath in waiting, and Judy deflates a little, lowering herself into the chair which she drags close to the bed with her ankle.

“The boys are here, Lorna came too, she went home to pick up you’re pyjamas and-don’t worry, I told her the bottom drawer is off limits…” Judy smiles, hearing Jen’s voice replying in her head, ‘ _fuck I bet Lorna would take the stuff for herself it’s not like she gets any action lately…’_.

_Not that we know about._ Judy would say and Jen would laugh. She sighs and traces her finger tips along her hand, feeling her pulse steadily through her wrist.

“I was so scared Jen, I’ve never been scared like that before…” Judy admits. “I thought I was going to lose you and I couldn’t even breathe Jen I-“ Judy feels herself getting choked up and she swallows past the lump in her throat, “I never want to lose you, I couldn’t live without you now, you’re everything to me. I love you so much…” Judy strokes over Jen’s head, fingers tangling in unkempt hair. The blood dried on her face makes Judy sick to her stomach. A nurse comes in then and she quickly dries her eyes and plants on a smile.

“Hi, is everything okay?” Judy asks.

“The doc just told me her surgery has been pushed forward…” A Texas accent speaks back, Jen would mimic it if she was-well, if she was _here._

Judy widens her eyes, “oh! Um do I have time to go and get-“

“If it’s Charlie and Henry you’re worried about they already know and are fine with seeing her after…”

“Oh I-“

“They’re outside, Cha-no, _Henry_ , has been talking my ear off- you have such lovely children…”

Judy grins proudly, _our_ _children_ , “thank you, they’re probably really worried about their mom…” Judy says turning back to Jen.

The nurse reaches to unplug something and gathers the sheets in her hand, tucking them under and getting ready to wheel Jen out.

“Are we allowed to walk with her?” Judy asks, standing up when a few other nurses come inside to change some of the machinery around, Judy has no idea, she stands back with one hand still hooked in Jen’s.

“Sure.” The nurse responds with a reassuring smile.

Judy joins Henry and Charlie outside and the three of them wait for Jen to be wheeled out, walking alongside the bed until they go through to theatre.

“Hi mommy, I hope you’ll be okay soon..”

Judy takes Jen’s hand and ushers Henry in front of her, a hand on his shoulder protectively. Charlie presses a quick kiss to Jen’s head and then tugs Henry back to let Judy have a few minutes.

Before going through the double doors Judy leans over Jen and takes every inch of her face in as if it’s the last time she’ll ever see her, as if she’s engraving it in her mind like a drawing. “I love you so much baby,” Judy whispers tearfully, then presses a kiss to her closed eye lids, nose and then her lips.

She stands back and drops her hand gradually as Jen gets further away, the nurse from earlier assures her she’ll be fine and there’s a family waiting room they can sit in. Judy watches as Jen disappears around a corner and for a while she’s just stood there, silently praying that everything will be okay. She knows it’s just a broken wrist she’s having surgery for but there’s a _bruise_ on her brain, she may never recover from it, she could have brain damage or paralysis and she may not remember Judy at all, or anything. She’s seen it online, stories of people involved in traumatic events like this and they’re damaged for life. Charlie’s hand on her shoulder jolts her back to the hospital room, this is _Jen_ she’s thinking about, the strongest woman she knows. She’ll be okay, Judy has to believe that, there’s no other choice.

“Come on, we got you a chai tea and a breakfast bar, it’s not breakfast but…”

Judy lets him steer her to the room where they sit down, the sound of the ticking clock taunting them while they try anything to make time go faster.


	16. New beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! 
> 
> Sorry for the massive wait for this chapter, it’s taken me ages to figure out how to start wrapping this up but I think I’ve sorted a nice ending for yous :)   
> This is the second to last chapter, it’s a large one but there’s a lot of stuff happening in this one. There’s flashbacks too in italics. 
> 
> I hope you’ve enjoyed this story, if anyone has requests of anything they want to see in the final chapter then please comment them! Or ideas for any other fics :) 
> 
> I haven’t proof read this because I wanted to just get it out there. 
> 
> Anyways, enjoy this xx
> 
> Come say hi on Twitter if you want @chlo_barnes 12

The breeze whips around Jen and Judy carrying flares of blonde and brunette with it’s gushes. Tiny flowers bloom on the grass on their daily walk, a new addition to their lifestyle since almost dying, ‘ _we need to take everything in Jen, when was the last time you went to The Botanical Gardens’_ , never, is the answer, Jen hates walking especially in the slight sun of the spring weather that’s just there to tease summers’ blister. It reminds Jen of the fact that they never did get to go on that vacation, Judy had been reluctant since Jen’s injuries, it’s been a few months so they’d almost healed now but traces of the accident still linger. Nightmares and all. Only sometimes though, most nights the warmth and safety net of each other’s arms is enough to chance away any plagued dreams of crashing cars and hospital rooms.

_Days after Jen’s operation, and she’s finally allowed to come home. The boys are excited of course and Judy just can’t wait to get Jen home, away from the dirty hospital food she’s been complaining about for the past week while she recovered, and away from the doctor that Judy see’s eyeing Jen up on his rounds. Frank, his name was._

_And no, she wasn’t **jealous** , worried more like, Jen was in no fit shape to fight off the leering stares of Dr Frank, so Judy would have to do it for her. Her unusual sharpness with him raised questions from Jen, and a flutter in her stomach. _

_Judy helps her out to the car despite the protests that she’s fine. Her wrist’s tied up in a purple (Judy’s glad they used that colour) cast and a sling, while there are still bruises on the side of her head from the abrasions. The ‘you’ve been brave’ sticker is still stuck on the bottom of the cast, nurse Abby had given it Jen after Judy had egged her on, insisting she needed a sticker to congratulate her on being a decent (not good; she’d put up a fight about staying in the hospital once she’d woken from her induced coma, itching to get back home and to normality) inpatient. Jen falls asleep in the car on the way home, surprisingly being back inside a vehicle doesn’t bother her unlike the sickly feeling Judy had in her stomach for days after the accident whenever she even heard a car out on the road. Once they’re home Judy grabs Jen’s bags for her and takes her hand as they walk slowly through the threshold. Henry runs downstairs upon entering and gently (after a warning from Judy) hugs his mom and then Judy._

_That night they sit playing monopoly after the coddling had finally stopped, Judy had insisted Jen should sit on the couch with her feet up with a blanket round her shoulders and a glass of water on hand, she’s even gotten her a little nanny bell to ring incase Jen needed her while Judy was working in the kitchen, they’d persevered with the workspace so that Jen didn’t have to sit in the guesthouse to be near Judy (because Judy wouldn’t have it any other way) and Judy could be near Jen while she painted in the kitchen. It’s a commission for Ellen, daughter of Vera, one of the residents, her best friend’s getting married and she’s asked Judy to paint a photograph of them both with a pop art twist, it’s different but exciting to try new styles. Jen has trouble remembering the rules and who’d already bought which properties, and it makes her head hurt just looking at the cards piled on top of the board so she teams up with Judy half way through to play with and rely slightly on her. The doctor had told them of possible changes, with her memory and concentration specifically due to the knock to her brain. Thankfully, Jen’s assessment after she’d woken up had confirmed there would be no long term damage. Judy’s patient with her as always, the boys take the piss which makes her smile at the normality._

_The first nights sleep back in her bed after being in the hospital is bliss, having Judy lying next to her comfortably, not cramped up on a hospital chair or even on her bed when the nurses weren’t watching, was like heaven. Jen’s wrist was annoying and she’s sure she hit Judy a couple of times with it by accident during the night but Judy wouldn’t tell her whether that’s true or not. In the morning when Jen’s a little flustered, checking around the room to see where she is, Judy whispers ‘good morning’ in her ear and calms her down with peppered kisses._

Having the cast removed 4 weeks later was a relief, Jen swings it along with Judy’s hand in her own now as they walk, Judy’s bracelet brushing against her wrist. It’s fairly warm despite the breeze so they’re in short sleeves and cropped trousers, a skirt for Judy, the sun beats down and blinds their eyes through their shades. Henry and Charlie are a little in front, kicking a ball back and forth with one another, Jen winces when Henry almost runs into a stray toddler, running for the ball until their mother drags them away kicking and screaming. Judy turns to her and asks if she wants ice cream, spotting the small cart just ahead, the boys run back and confirm their orders while Judy goes to fetch them.

“Here we are…” Judy comes back to the bench they waited at with two cones in each hand, handing Henry the Oreo ice cream, Charlie the mint, Jen the caramel and keeping the strawberry one for herself. Each have flakes and sprinkles.

“Thanks Judy!” Henry says, half his mouth covered in ice cream.

Jen stands to let Henry sit on the bench beside Charlie and then her and Judy occupy the one across from the boys.

“Are you having a nice day?” Jen asks, exhaling a short laugh at the ice cream on Judy’s nose as she wipes it off with the back of her hand.

“Yes! Are you?” Judy returns the question, hoping that it wasn’t too much of an ask for Jen to have actually enjoyed herself today, although the crinkles around Jen’s eyes she can just about see through the sun glasses tell her that she has indeed enjoyed today. Even if it was just a walk about the park and a trip to McDonald’s later on.

“My feet hurt-“ Judy had told her not to wear the open toed sandals and gives her a little glare as an _‘I told you so’_ , “but it’s been nice today, they’ve enjoyed it too…” Jen says nodding to Charlie and Henry, laughing at something on their phones.

Judy reaches over and pecks Jen’s slightly chocolate-y lips. “Good.” She smiles, kissing her again before starting on the cone of her ice cream.

Jen stares at her for a while, watching how Judy smiles at the strollers and kids that go past, how she waves to Henry and Charlie every so often. Even under the glasses Jen knows her eyes shine brightly. Her cheeks are red from the sun and the walk, her hair tied in two plaits that reach her lower chest, her hairs grown a lot during the past few months and Jen’s glad she hasn’t cut it, it looks lovely.

“Aww look Jen!” Judy points to a spaniel trotting along with a tennis ball in its mouth beside its owner, “I’m gonna go say hi…”

Jen grins as she sees Judy a few seconds later leaning down to pet the dog, chatting away with the owner as she does. The dog jumps up on Judy’s skirt them, messy paw prints going across the fabric while the woman apologises profusely, Jen shakes her head amusedly.

“It’s fine! He’s so lovely, what’s his name?”

The woman bends down so she’s eye level with Judy, taking the ball out of the dogs mouth to throw it across the park for him to fetch.

“Chester, I’m Kimberly…and you?”

Judy reaches her hand out for a handshake as she answers, “Judy, it’s so nice to meet you.”

“You too.”

Judy reaches for the ball that Chester drops at her feet and throws it for him, it doesn’t go very far, she’s a terrible thrower, but Chester runs off enthusiastically to retrieve it anyway.

Henry comes up beside her then to greet Kimberly and the dog, beaming when Chester lays down for belly rubs.

“You’re good with dogs Henry…” Kimberly comments, handing him a treat to give Chester.

Henry holds his hand out and gives Chester the treat, “thanks, mom had a dog when she was younger but she keeps saying no whenever I ask her, I want a puppy, either a Labrador, a poodle or a boxer rescue dog, specifically one named Rory at the shelter nearby…” Henry gets out, hinting at Judy with a persuasive smile.

Kimberly looks between him and Judy with a nod as if putting the pieces together. “Oh- that’s Henry’s mom over there, Jen.” Judy gestures towards her, gazing a little longer than necessary at her but she’s just _so beautiful,_ the way her hair blows in the wind and her smile grows when it lands on Judy.

Jen waves and Kimberly waves back with a polite smile.

“You know they’re always looking for dog walkers down at the shelter, my son Daniel volunteers there, if Judy here or Jen would sign up then I’m sure they’d allow you to accompany them on walks Henry…” Kimberly says.

Henry’s eyes light up, “that’s such a good idea!”

Kimberly grins, “anyway, we better be heading home, looks like someone needs a bath…”

As if on cue Chester jumps up on two legs to Henry, paw shaped prints are now on Henry’s _white_ top mirroring Judy’s skirt. Kimberly looks horrified and waves goodbye to them both, Chester following shortly.

“Judy?”

“Yeah?”

“We have to convince mom to get us a dog.”

*

_Steve fucking Wood._

_Steve, annoyingly patronising, douchebag, fucking lousy Wood, crashed into their car, then spread off leaving them to potentially die. Detective Perez, the cop who’s been investigating their case, informs them after interrupting a family dinner one Thursday evening. They’d matched a piece of the car to the very same 66 mustang that Steve owns and coincidentally he’d ‘gone out of town’ so they couldn’t reach him. They’d already started investigating his business though, and when Perez had told them about TKG arts Judy had confessed all she knew and said she’d help wi the investigation. Jen had been hesitant but Perez had assured her no trouble would come Judy’s way, especially after hearing all the threatening voicemails Steve had left her about keeping quiet. Jen had wanted to track him down there and then just so she could punch him, maybe burn his shitty ass a couple times, then run him over with his own car._

_“So Judy will be okay?”_

_Jen asks once Judy’s gone to sit back down at the table, Jen assuring she’ll see Perez out._

_“She will. If you see or hear of anything else is relevant then give me a call.” She says, bowing her head with half a smile before Jen shuts the door._

It’s his court hearing soon, he’s pleading not guilty (like a dick) and is forcing Jen and Judy to stand and recount the whole incident when all they want to do is forget about their almost death. A couple of weeks ago they’d finally caught up with him, Judy had gotten the call during a tea break at work, he’d been on the run since the accident and had tried to skip the country, they’d caught him at an airport in Miami. He’s been held in a cell ever since, no one can pay for his bail which Judy’s happy about, even his mother hasn’t been in touch as far as she knew. His money was tied up in TkG arts which they’d investigated months back, finding out all sorts about Steve’s money laundering and work with the Greek Mafia. He’s requested multiple times to see Judy and she’d thrown the letters away each time, talking Jen down from going to see Steve herself was also another task.

*

“Judy, look at this one…”

Henry points to a 2 year old Doberman named Felix, Judy scans the pictures and the description, **Hi, I’m Felix! I love going on walks and playing football. The volunteers here helped me from a scary home where I didn’t get a lot of food** **L but now I’m here and I get all the food I need! I’m good around kids and other small animals! I’m not lead trained, but I’m working on it!**

They spend hours looking at different dogs on the pet rescue website, they move on to look at cats at some point but then Charlie joins them and pushes for a dog instead.

**Rover, 4 years old. German Shepard.**

**Hello** **J I was rescued when I was just 1 year old and have been without a home for a long time now** **L I’d love to settle down in a home, preferably child and pet free with owners that love the outdoors! I’m super energetic, but have arthritis in my hip** **L I love football, fetch and swimming.**

**Lucky. 7 months old. Terrier mix.**

**My name is Lucky, I’m just a pup and I’m unfamiliar with being in a home since my first owners abandoned me when I was just born. I’m good with other people and dogs, I have a lot of friends here at the shelter!**

Jen comes in after work to see them shutting the laptop lid as soon as she comes in, Henry distracting her with a tight hug.

“What’s going on?” Jen asks in a teasing, accusatory tone.

“Nothing!” Judy rounds the counter to kiss her and take her jacket off for her, a distracting technique that Jen’s well accustomed to by now.

“Aw, right well if we’re keeping secrets then I’ll just have to _not_ show you what’s in my bag…” Jen says, sultry with a wink. She heads to the fridge to grab a bottle of water and Judy follows eagerly behind.

“You’re keeping a secret?” Judy pesters in her ear, taking her hands and holding them between them both. “

“Well if you’re not gonna tell me what you’re hiding I suppose-“

“We’re getting a dog!” Judy blurts out.

“Judy! She’ll never let us now-“

“You’re what?”

“I mean, can we get a dog?” Judy beams, teeth gritting together as she tries to hold the impossibly wide smile.

Jen huffs, “a dog? Really? We can’t just have like a fish or something-“

“Fish are boring.” Henry pipes up, siding up beside Jen and linking his arms with hers, pulling on his best puppy dog eyes.

“But dogs are lots of work, who’s gonna take care of it when me and Judy are at work?” Jen asks, raising her eyebrows at Judy in question too.

“We can take them to doggy day care!”

_Fuck._ Jen scoffs amusedly.

“Pleaseeee Jen!” Judy stands on her tiptoes to kiss her again, lingering while she whispers another ‘please’ into her lips.

“Yeah, please mom!”

“It’s not like we won’t look after it.” Charlie huffs impatiently.

Jen feels their eyes on her in anticipation, this is totally Judy’s fault if the dog turns out to have rabies or shit around the house 24/7.

“Fine. We can get a dog…”

*

In between a heavy work load and planning Judy’s birthday party, Jen feels like her head is about to fucking explode. Charlie’s been helping with the party side, he’s agreed to be a sort of DJ for the night and had helped her invite Judy’s friends over on a group text chain. Jen didn’t want lots of people because it’s still her home and there’s no way she’s having a bunch of art loving elderlies occupy her living room, but some of Judy’s friends are bearable. So she’s invited Abe obviously, Karen despite how annoying she can be, she can bake, so she’s making cupcakes, Daniella; a lady who Judy trades painting tips with, apparently they met in a painting class a while ago and they’ve just stayed in touch ever since, Chris and Alan are coming too. And Abe may bring people from the residents home.

The present is more of a whom, not a what, and Jen’s on her way to pick her up with Henry and Charlie in the back seat, holding a small blanket, a couple of chew toys and treats.

Once that’s sorted, and Henry and Charlie are busy entertaining their new permanent house guest upstairs on a huge sheet spread on the floor in case of accidents, Jen prepares a simple buffet, consisting of Judy’s favourite snacks and the usual chips, dips, pizza slices… She’s made the cake by herself, last night while Judy was fast asleep in their bed. She’s surprised she didn’t wake at the smell of burning after it went wrong the first attempt, but thankfully the cake is still a surprise. It’s carrot cake, her favourite, and Jen’s decorated the top with white buttercream icing and purple icing saying ‘happy birthday Judy’ with a heart, the letters are a little messy but it’s _authentic._ Decorations hang from the ceiling, it was a little difficult getting them up their but Jen’s satisfied with the collection of balloons and banners dotted around the room. Judy will love it, she hopes.

Judy’s arriving home later than usual since she’s helping out with a fitness class, Jen has no clue when she started getting into Zumba especially _well, old people Zumba,_ but the class gives her a chance to let everyone inside and get a party started before Judy comes home.

Half an hour after everyone arrives, Judy pulls up outside.

“Quick everyone hide!” Henry yells, tugging Charlie into a corner.

They do, Karen literally fucking _squealing_ , and if it wasn’t for Judy then none of this would be happening, Jen sighs and smiles when she sees Judy walking up the path.

She walks out to the hallway to meet her, leaning casually against the wall after opening the door for Judy.

“Oh!”

Judy startles when the door opens before her, a hand coming to her chest briefly.

“Hey baby.” Jen grins, stepping aside for Judy to come inside.

“Hi!” Judy takes her coat off and frowns confusedly when Jen helps her out of it, hovering around her.

“How was your day?” Jen asks, blocking her from going up the stairs and sort of steering her towards the living room.

Judy stares amusedly, “great, work got me a gift!” She holds up a gift bag with a smile, “how was yours?”

Jen takes the bag from her and places it on the couch as they walk inside, grabbing Judy’s hand before she walks any further.

Suddenly a chorus of voices ring out, “surprise!!” And Judy jumps in excitement.

“Oh my god! Wow!” Judy turns to look at everyone, giggling when she turns back to Jen.

“Happy birthday Judy!” Henry comes up to give her a hug which she leans into.

“Thank you! This is-wow,” Judy’s eyes are getting teary and before she lets them fall Jen presses a kiss to her lips.

“Happy birthday Jude.”

Judy looks at her as if to say, _you didn’t have to do all this, but I’m so glad that you have._ Before she can say anything, Jen tugs on her hand, “I have a present for you…”

Christopher, wherever he is, tuts and shouts “ladies please save the love making til after the party…”

Judy laughs and follows Jen upstairs, when they reach the top Henry jogs up beside them and says he left Charlie in charge, the grime music playing over the speakers a few seconds later is a tell.

“Close your eyes Judy!” Henry says, reaching for her hand to guide her.

“Alright…”

Henry checks they’re closed by asking how many fingers he’s holding up, and then leads her inside the spare room.

Jen shushes something, Judy can’t tell, but she doesn’t have time to guess before Henry tells her to open her eyes and she does quickly.

Gasping, she bends down to the floor and gathers the bundle up in her arms, “we got a puppy!”

Jen smirks, “sure did.”

Henry reaches to pet the little golden retriever snuggled into Judy’s arms, and she leans into his hand excitedly. Her little tail wagging against Judy’s arms.

“I can’t believe this! Thank you so much!!” Judy leans across to kiss Jen and then kisses the pup on her forehead. Jen smiles at the scene proudly.

“You are _so cute!_ ”

“Mom said you can choose the name…” Henry adds then, Judy raising her eyebrows at Jen.

“Really?”

“It’s your birthday after all.” Jen smiles, leaning over to pet the pup once Judy puts her on the floor. She runs off though, grabbing one of the tug toys they’d bought her earlier on. Judy seems to think about it for a minute until she looks up with a grin.

“Let’s call her Rose…” Judy says.

Henry tests out the name on her with a whistle and she runs straight over to him, taking to the name (more than likely the whistle but) perfectly.

“Rose? Cute.” Jen says, reaching her hand out for Judy to hold.

“After Rosie.” Judy says, grinning at Jen knowingly.

“It’s perfect.”

They spend the night dancing, eating, laughing and drinking. Judy’s very tipsy by the end of the night, dancing with her arms draped around Jen’s waist insisting that she wants to do the Macarena still (Henry’s song choice). Jen holds her up while she tries her best to do the actions but she fails terribly, and after telling Chris to see everyone out she helps Judy up to bed, Rose jumping on the bed next to her to lick her all over her face.

Judy giggles and cuddles the pup close to her.

“I love Rose already.” She murmurs sleepily. “I’ve loved today.”

Jen grins, she slides off Judy’s shoes, deciding that there’s no way she’s going to be able to change her clothes so the loose dress she’s wearing will have to do to sleep in, and then she sits on top of the covers beside her. She brushes some hair away from her face, thumb caressing her warm cheeks.

“Good. I’m glad.” Jen says softly.

Judy sighs, half asleep and whispers “I love you so much”, nuzzling further into Jen’s palm.

Jen exhales softly, presses a kiss to her forehead and says “I love you too”, then leans back to up turn out the light.

“How long will you be?” Judy asks, rolling on her side to get further under the sheets.

Jen shifts to pull the covers further around Judy, fluffing the pillow under her head. “I’ll get rid of everyone, make sure there’s no vomit everywhere-“

Judy giggles, “Karen is a little tipsy…”

Jen widens her eyes, her and Karen were doing shots with each other earlier, they’re both more than a _little_ tipsy.

“Yes, well, Chris and Alan are gonna walk her back home.”

Judy nods. “Good.”

Rose clambers on over and tries snuggling under the sheets, “ah, no way…” Jen lifts her up, cradling her small body against her chest.

Judy whines and reaches an arm out for her which Jen swats away gently.

“No way is she sleeping in our bed, that’s the first mistake we made with Rosie, she’d never sleep in her own.” Jen says, standing up with Rose in her arms.

Judy grumbles into the pillow and Jen shakes her head. She presses another kiss to her cheek this time before leaving with Rose and telling her she’ll be back soon.

Henry and Charlie have already cleared some of the empty glasses and cups from downstairs with Christopher’s and Alan’s help, the food can wait til morning to be out away along with the decorations. Thank god, there’s no vomit and nothing seems to be broken, so Jen sees out Karen, leaning heavily on Alan’s shoulder while Christopher turns around and mouths ‘you owe me Harding’. She rolls her eyes back. A text from Abe appears on her phone then, letting her know that him and Julie (a _date_ from the residents home) had gotten back safe when they’d left a little earlier on.

“Did Judy enjoy her birthday?” Henry asks as they head up to bed.

“Yeah, she did, I think Rose was the icing on the cake.” Jen winks, she’d left her in her crate in the spare room before heading downstairs and so far there hadn’t been a peep.

“Judy always says she hates her birthday so I’m glad she enjoyed it with us.” Henry says with a yawn.

Jen’s got an idea of why she might hate it so much, starts with E and ends with fucking _worst mother_ in history. She can’t imagine that she made much of an effort or any at all on Judy’s birthday when she was younger.

“I can’t wait for my birthday…” Charlie says, leaning against his wall with a smirk.

“You’ve basically just had your birthday…” Henry says. “For my birthday I want-“

“Okay, let’s stop right there before I have a list as long as my arm, come here-“ Jen tugs Henry into her and kisses him goodnight, doing the same with a reluctant Charlie who wipes her kiss off with the back of his hand and scrunches his face. “Goodnight.”

“Night mom.”

Henry heads in first, Charlie rolling his eyes before he does so, Jen knows he’ll be playing some game with his friends until 4am or something anyway. She heads into their bedroom and quickly changes out of her outfit, brushes her teeth and then climbs into bed, switching off their bedside lamp as she does. Once her eyes have adjusted to the dark she can just about make out Judy’s closed eyes, hair in front of her face and mouth half open with little puffs of air escaping. Jen brushes a strand of hair from her face and can’t resist winding the little curl around her index finger. Judy still smells of fruity alcohol, and Jen’s glad she’s bought in tablets and a glass of water from their bathroom, god knows Judy’s probably going to need it in the morning.

*

Steve ends up receiving a guilty sentence of course, for perverting the course of justice, the car accident, the money laundering, Judy can hardly keep count of everything they convict him of, she wonders why she ever fell for his dirty, cruel lies. It’s tense in the court room with Steve’s false smiles and stories to cover up the truth, he mentions Judy more than once and tries to convince everyone that she’s practically a basket case. Jen’s hand tensing in her own.

As he gets taken down Judy looks him in the eye, smiling at him as he walks away, it’ll hopefully the last time she sees him, and a wave of relief rushes over her, letting out a sigh of contentment. She turns to Jen afterwards and says, “let’s go home”, and the two head out to the car knowing that the bastard won’t be able to reach them-ever again, if Jen has anything to do with it.

*

“Mom?”

Jen peers over her glasses at Henry, pausing the email she’s currently typing out to a potential client to ask, “what’s up Boop?”

He sighs and slides a piece of paper across the table, he’s sat doing his homework from school. Judy and Charlie are out taking Rose for her first round of injections at the vet, one more round and they can finally take her on walks.

“I have to do a family tree for school and I don’t even know where to start? I mean dads _well,_ do I still do him a box? Or do I do Judy instead? But then I don’t even know-“

“Okay hold on…” Jen closes the lid on her laptop, figuring this may take a while. She used to _hate_ doing family trees in school, she was an only child, she only saw her moms side of the family and all the other kids had about ten aunties and uncles and a load of cousins. Henry slides over to the chair closest to her and brings his pencil case with him, pen in hand ready to start.

“So I’ve done me you and Charlie because that’s easy.” Henry points to where their names are already on the page a coloured box surrounding them. “And then I need to put dad and Judy somewhere but…” Henry looks at his page.

“Here…” Jen reaches for the page and adds a couple of lines, Ted’s is a darker colour than the rest and she adds a couple of Purple Hearts around Judy’s name. “There you go.”

Henry smiles, “thanks!” He colours in Judy’s box a little more, his teacher said they could be creative, and adds a cartoon bird next to his dads name. “Okay and then Judy’s mom and dad?”

Jen frowns, but it’s for a school project so…”Eleanor and Johnny.”

Henry writes in their names above Judy.

“And then, Samantha and Fred…” Jen points to her side and Henry pauses a little before writing their names in. He knows her mom isn’t with them any more, she’d told him when he was young but she isn’t sure if he fully understood properly, at least up until Ted anyway.

Jen keeps talking, adding family members whom she knows their name off and with most of them; nothing more. Henry asks her why she doesn’t talk to her family anymore, and it’s hard to answer because unlike Judy and her own mom there’s no _specific_ reason why she doesn’t contact her dad, she just doesn’t and they’ve both become used to being…well, strangers. They do cards at Christmas and that’s about it. Jen knows Fred has a partner and they live with her son, but that was years old knowledge and lots may have changed. Fred knows about Henry and Charlie but only the fact that they were born, he came to Ted’s funeral but hardly spoke two words to her. But then again, she didn’t speak either. She wonders what her mom would think…

“Judy always says life’s too short…” Henry says, continuing with his work.

Jen’s not certain what he’s getting at, but it hits her later on when she looks at the photo of Fred and baby Henry in his room that might, and then looks at her own photo of herself, her mom and her dad hidden away in a photo album. They don’t have many of the three of them, Fred was camera shy and Jen was a reluctant teenager, she’s so glad they gave these photos now, especially with her mother. 

“Judy?”

She brings up the topic while they’re laid in bed watching The Facts of Life, empty wine glasses side by side on the bedside table.

Judy shifts to the side so she’s facing her, one arm resting on the headboard. “Yeah?”

“Do you think I should,” Jen clears her throat, “contact my dad?”

Judy widens her eyes, as if that was the last thing she expected to come out of her mouth, it was. “Do _you_ think you should?” She asks, there must have been a reason she was even thinking about her dad in the first place, Jen never speaks about her family outside of the four of them.

Jen shrugs and Judy’s hand finds her own underneath the blankets, encouraging her to open up. It works, “Henry was doing a family tree today, he asked about why I don’t see my dad anymore and the answer I came up with was just so shitty ya know? Like apart from the distance eyes no real reason he shouldn’t be in Charlie and Henry’s lives…”

Judy nods, tipping her head, “or yours.”

“Well, yeah…” Jen sighs. “It’s just, we almost _died_ Judy, and he doesn’t even know…” She doesn’t think it’s guilt, the uneasy feeling that’s creeping into her stomach when thinking about it, thinking about Fred and everything he’s missed out on, everything she misses about having a fatherly figure like she used to. Perhaps regret, or longing.

“When was the last time you contacted him?” Judy asks.

“Probably around the time Ted died, he wasn’t even in the…” Jen gestures with her hands, “first circle of people I told, how fucking messed up is that?” She thinks aloud, a deep frown between her eyebrows.

Judy understands, a little, she knows what it’s like no to have a father figure, she doesn’t know what it’s like to have one and then just _lose_ one for no real reason though. “Why is that?” She asks, trying to understand in some way.

“Maybe because it was always mom that held us together…” Jen muses, turning her head to look at the photo of them both on the drawers. “But she’d hate us not talking, I’ve always thought that but now that I’m happy with _you_ -“ she turns to smile at her, receiving one in return, “and after almost crossing to the land of the un-living..” She scoffs a laugh as Judy slaps her arm with her free hand , “I’ve realised, as Henry said that you told him, life’s too short…”

Judy nods slowly and then shifts closer to lean her head on Jen’s shoulder. “So contact him.”

“Just like that?”

“Yeah, just like that.” Judy’s hair tickles her chin as she talks with her mouth and hands, “don’t think about it too much, just _do_ it before it might be too late.”

Jen gradually comes around, she’s right, _she always is_. She needs to take a leap, like she did with Judy and look how that paid off. It’s not as if she’s commuting to a full daughter dad relationship just by sending a text, or calling, maybe a calls better…she’ll decide tomorrow. Or whenever she decides to do it, she can’t leave it too late though, like Judy says, _just do it_.

“You’re right.” Jen confirms with a kiss on her head.

“Course I am.”

Jen snorts lightly, gently moving Judy’s face around to look at her with her palm, “cocky..”

Judy leans up to kiss her, “you love it.”

*

“Rose…”

“Rose!! Yess! Good girl!”

They’re teaching her recall. Judy has her on a longline and Jen’s got treats and her favourite orange rubber stick toy that squeaks. The boys have chosen to ‘opt out’ of this stage in Rose’s growth, Henry going over to play Just Dance at Shandy’s house and Charlie going to a football match with his friends. Yet Rose still chooses to listen to them over Jen herself, it’s not like she can even be mad because of that cute _little fucking face_ , reminding her of someone else she knows _oh so well_. She turns to Judy, who’s managed stay dry and completely, perfectly clean unlike Jen because _guess who had to go get Rose out of a muddy puddle?_

“Throw the ball for her Jen, she just came back to me then hopefully she will with you too.” Judy hands her the thrower and slots the ball inside.

“I somehow doubt that…” Jen mutters before throwing the ball, it goes a lot further than Judy’s and once Rose reaches the ball she gets distracted by a dandelion blowing in the wind.

“Aww Jen look!” Judy points, giggling as she watches Rose from a distance, she takes out her phone to capture a quick video.

Jen can’t help but smile, “I guess I’ll go get the ball then…”

Judy tugs on the line and calls Rose and after two shouts she comes running over on her little legs to get a treat from Judy, a few moments before Jen returns carrying a wet and muddied tennis ball. Her index finger and thumb grip it reluctantly, “ew,” and she waves it in the air to try at somehow get the mud off. Judy reaches forward and takes it to put in her pocket, drying the mud off on her coat. 

*

Jen unlocks her phone after letting it turn off for the hundredth time, she really should’ve asked Judy to stay instead of taking the boys shopping, at least then one of them could’ve distracted her from the impending phone call with her dad or provided an excuse for it to be cut abruptly short. She sighs, she doesn’t even know why she’s so worked up about this, it’s her _dad_ , after all, there’s still a bike rising in her throat though as she hovers over his number.

_Just do it._

Jen ruffles Rose’s fur as she brings the phone up to her ear, she’s laid asleep in her lap snoring lightly. It reminds her of Rosie and how she would curl up in bed next to her while she was doing school work, when she’d stretch she’d crumble the papers or kick over her pencil case so pens and highlighters flooded out on the bed. _So much for not letting Rose up here_ , she still doesn’t sleep with them though and she’s not changing her mind on that.

After a few rings and a moment where Jen thinks she might just fuck it and hang up, there’s a clicking noise on the other end of the phone and an unfamiliar voice answers.

“Jen, hi…”

_At least it isn’t Jennifer…_

“Hey…”

There’s a long pause and then Fred clears his throat. “How are you?”

“Good, I mean-“ maybe starting with the accident isn’t the best choice but…”in recovery from a car accident but still going strong…” she says a little sarcastically, he doesn’t laugh.

“You were in a car accident?” He says shocked, concerned.

“Yes, some-“ _fucking bastard_ she wants to say, but Fred never liked swearing. “Someone hit us and drove away, they’ve only just sentenced him, I was in hospital for a little bit…” She trails off, “Judy looked after the boys.” She says, only then realising Fred probably doesn’t even remember Judy, and she never told him of anyone else after Ted. “We’re together now…” she adds before he can ask.

“You and Judy?” Fred repeats, probably for confirmation as Jen had practically thrown a hundred things at him at once, hitting him like waves to sand castles, it’s hard not to be overwhelmed. Jen understands that and takes a breath to cool herself off anyway, she _can_ be mad at him for not calling to ask about her life.

“Yeah, she’s really been here for me after everything that’s happened, she’s my rock ya know?” Jen says, “it’s Judy Hale by the way, do you remember her? From when I was younger?”

Fred hums, “bangs? Short? Loves to draw?”

Jen nods then remembers she’s on the phone, “yep, that’s her, still _all_ of those things…” She says, smile evident in her tone.

Again there’s a silence, until Fred says “I’m glad you both found each other again, although the accident? Jen? You should have called…”

“Well it wasn’t _that_ big of a deal, I didn’t need to worry you.”

“You were in hospital!”

“Yeah, and I came out a week or so later with nothing more than a few memory problems and a broken wrist…”

She’s aware she could have worded it better than that. “Memory problem? Oh Jen…”

“It’s fine!” She assures, “I’m fine now, at first-“

And she tells him everything what happened, how there was a bleed on her brain and sometimes she forgot how to do the simplest of tasks. How Judy had to pick the kids up from school and take them everywhere even though she almost had panic attacks whenever she was near a car alone, never mind driving one. He asks questions not just about her but the kids and Judy too. It’s quite nice talking freely with him like this, they haven’t done this in god knows how long. The months after Samantha’s death had been strained, and after that it’d just gotten to the point where they were like two ends of the same thread, living in the same space and eating the same food but never really connecting or talking like they used to. Like parallel lines.

Usually the conversation veers off to Stefanie and her son, how she’s _cooking dinner tonight for us_ or _we’re going on vacation soon, off to the Canary Islands_ , yet Fred doesn’t mention her once. She doesn’t ask either, she thinks maybe he’d prefer it that way? But she doesn’t know honestly.

“Oh, I think Judy and the boys just got back…” Jen comments when she hears the door open downstairs and Rose clambers off her lap to go and greet them. The laughter that comes next confirms it’s them.

“Say hello to them for me.” Fred says.

“Well-“ Jen sighs, _just do it._ “Maybe you could tell them yourself?”

Fred asks what she means, and she blurts out before thinking it over, “let’s meet up sometime soon, Saturday?”

“Oh!” Fred sounds startled, and Jen clenches her fists together, _it should be him asking her to meet up, he’s the parent_ , but she’s also aware that if he did she may not have agreed, most likely wouldn’t have. “Okay, umm-“ he stammers a little, “this Saturday?”

“Yep.”

“Well, alright then.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes… you’ll bring Judy and the children?”

“I’ll ask them yeah, I’ll text you where?”

She isn’t sure she wants him in her home yet, judging eyes and all. Even if he is her dad. Also, if Stefanie comes then she doesn’t want her anywhere near, there’s nothing _wrong_ with her, except for the fact she’s a little stuck up, from what she’s gathered from photos. And, she’s not her mom.

“Okay.”

“Right then,” Jen stands up, ready to greet the kids and Judy. “Bye.”

“Goodbye.”

_Well…_

*

They arrange to have food in a Thai restaurant in Laguna so Fred is travelling over and staying in a hotel the night before, Judy asked if she wanted to let him stay at theirs but it was just too soon. Fred didn’t even ask to anyway. The week leading up to Saturday is chaotic, Lorna’s been in her ear about a new estate that they’re competing for, she’d almost make Jen _flirt_ with the owner to make it go their way until she saw he was at least 70. Lorna had done the flirting instead and honestly it’s scarred Jen for life.

Judy’s signed Rose up for doggy day care as work needs her back doing classes every day, she’s been working from home on days Jen wasn’t since they’d adopted Rose because there was no one to take care of her and she’s only 18 weeks and a mischievous so and so even when they are at home. Jen can’t imagine leaving her in their pristine house alone, where even at a young age with her tiny legs she can hop on the counter and steal their cereal, they’d moved it right to the top after catching her downstairs one morning, Cheerios spilled out across the counter and floor.

And, they finally got to meet the girl Charlie has been fawning over for the past month of two. She’s called Natalie, has gorgeous, curly red hair and is vegan, she gets on with Judy very well. They had her over for dinner Thursday night and Jen was pleasantly surprised, she’s certainly nicer than Parker who he’d brought round once, she’d done nothing but subtly insult her cooking (which to be fair wasn’t all that but still) and complain about _everything._ Natalie’s sweet, she’s into animals and wants to be a vet, she’s already decided to go to university to study Animal Sciences, she doesn’t leave Rose alone that night and vide versa. She watches a movie with them afterwards and gets a lift home from her dad. All in all the night was perfect, none of them had embarrassed Charlie too much, except Henry when he teased him about getting out the family photo album.

Friday night is pizza night and Judy brings it home from work with her to three starving Harding’s, they sit in the living room and watch The Masked Dancer, sharing the large margarita pizza, garlic bread and carton of fries placed on the coffee table.

“Can you guys stop?” Charlie says, disgust and embarrassment laced in his tone as he sends a scoff their way.

“What, so you can kiss your girlfriend but I can’t kiss mine?” Jen teases, leaning further into Judy’s side.

“Well were _tryna_ watch something…” Charlie says, reaching for the remote to turn the volume up.

Judy giggles and takes Jen’s hand, “follow me…”

Jen frowns, “what?”

Judy stands up and stretches, not so accidentally putting a smear of tomato sauce over her outfit,“oh would you look at that…” she says, and Jen bites her lip to stop herself laughing at how ridiculous she looks. Judy slaps her hands against her thighs when she brings her arm down, “I better go change… be right back!”

Jen smirks and her eyes follow Judy as she heads out of the living room, hears her trodding upstairs quickly. With Charlie and Henry arguing over who they think the dancer behind the mask is, she takes the last bite of her pizza and stands. “I better help her…”

When Jen walks in the room, Judy’s laid on the bed in a red bralette and blue jeans that she wore to work, the tomato covered floral blouse discarded on the floor, Jen steps over it with a smirk.

“Well hey there…”

Judy cocks her head to the side and leans backwards on her palms, “we better hurry I told them we’d be right back-“

Jen stops her halfway through her sentence by straddling her legs, quickly stripping herself of her own shirt and leaning in for a searing kiss. Judy moans immediately, hands going to steady Jen’s waist.

“Better take this off then,” Jen says, reaching her fingers around Judy’s back to i strap her bralette, leaning it up to Judy to pull the straps down her arm. She does, flinging it to the side and then falls back against the bed, it rocks loudly and Judy scoffs a laugh before tugging Jen back in. Lips bruise against the others, cheeks redden because it’s spring and it’s _fucking_ boiling. Jen’s own palms are sweaty and she runs them along Judy’s Jen’s, gripping her thighs. Judy leans back up and shifts Jen so that she’s sat closer to her, she can feel a heat throbbing between her legs and she smiles knowingly before leaning to trail open mouthed, breathy kisses along Jen’s breasts, removing her bra naturally as she does.

Judy’s gotten into the habit of complimenting her body every time they do this, and Jen never gets tired of hearing the way she says it so genuinely, “you’re beautiful”, “they’re perfect”, “incredible”. Jen reaches to unzip Judy’s jeans and pulls them down to her ankles before, after a struggle-they’re skinny fit, finally tossing them down by the bed, her underwear coming with them. Jen leans forward, hand expertly trailing down from Judy’s breasts to her stomach, where she pushes her back on the bed with a grin, and then down into her slick wetness. Judy’s eyes roll instantly and she exhaled a shuddering breath, telling Jen to “keep going”.

Both are exhausted once they’ve finished, yet feel as if they could continue all night if they had the strength, maybe years ago they would have. For now, Jen’s content with cuddling into Judy’s warm body for a few more minutes before going back downstairs to the boys. The episode of The Masked Dancer has probably finished now and the food will be cold, they can stick it in the microwave though. Missing out on sloppy takeaway pizza was _well worth it_.

*

“Does this look okay?”

For the seventh time that morning, Judy pulls back the closet door to show Jen her outfit, spinning around to show her the full view.

“Jude, for the hundredth time, you look fine, just as you did in those other outfits you tried on…” Jen remarks while tying a necklace around her neck.

Judy huffs, tugging at the sleeves. “I know it’s just…”

Jen goes over to stop her fluttering hands, “baby, you look beautiful, I doubt my dad cares what you wear.”

Judy nods but itches to change the way something looks, hands tense in Jen’s and the light squeeze she receives back eases her paranoia. “I just wanna look the best I can today, the last time he saw me I was a ratty kid with greasy hair and-“

“You were never _ratty_ …” Jen tugs on her arm with a frown. “He never thought bad of you Judy none of us did.” Jen says, knowing that _this_ is what her fussing is really about, she feels like she needs to make the perfect impression to remove any other image he remembered in his head, with her messy bangs and torn clothing.

“I want him to see I’ve made something of myself and I’m not that…” _poor, helpless, trapped,_ “little kid with a drug addict for a mom, a shitty waitressing job and practically no plan for the future…” Judy says, and she’s so close to tears and it makes Jen’s heart ache, she thought Judy had accepted her past, not forgotten it but at least realised her worth no matter how awful her childhood was.

Jen drops one of her hands and leads her to their bed, dropping down and turning to Judy. “I mean, I did like the waitressing job…” Judy says with a sniffle, the back of her hand coming to wipe her nose.

Jen wraps one arm around Judy and rubs her shoulder. “Judy, even back then you were one of the kindest, smartest, genuine people my parents knew, they worshipped the ground you walked on because well-“ Jen shrugs, “I did, and still do.” Her hand dries the tear sliding down Judy’s face and lingers there afterwards, caressing lovingly.

“Did he ‘approve’ of Ted?” Judy asks, “you know like we approve of Natalie…”

Jen smiles softly at hearing the latter part of that, it shows how far Judy’s come in knowing that she is an equal part of the boys’ life as Jen is. She gazes for a second in thought, then clears her throat and answers, “I can probably count the amount of time he met him on one hand, but he said he seemed like a safe guy to go with, Ted’s music impressed him and he liked that he was a present father but, they didn’t know each other really, he just found that Ted was a decent enough person for me to be with.” Jen explains, she remembers him finding out about his death with probably the same nonchalance he did when he found out they were together, and when he got the news about their engagement.

Judy nods slowly, pulling Jen’s arm around her further.

“You don’t have to impress him though because at the end of the day, I don’t care what he thinks, you shouldn’t either…” Another nod, followed by a deep sigh prompts Jen to add “but I know you do care, so I’m glad you opened up about it to me.” Jen says with a soft kiss, breathing a sigh of relief when she feels Judy smile into it. Jen turns around then to check the time, it’s just gone 11:30 and they’re meeting for lunch at 1:00.

“I love you.” Judy half pouts, half smiles, the latter growing when Jen says it back before planting a kiss on Judy’s awaiting lips.

…

There’s a tension so thick you could cut it with a knife, moments before entering the restaurant, Jen isn’t sure whether they’ll be the first ones there or whether her dads already inside, but one thing he always prided himself on was his punctuality, so she has a feeling he’ll have been sat there for a good few minutes already. The boys go ahead to read the menu displayed on the door and Jen tugs Judy’s hand back, frowning deeply.

“Are you okay?”

Jen shrugs, “this is weird isn’t it?” She scoffs, “god it’s fucking weird Jude I don’t even know what I’m gonna say to him-“

Judy wraps Jen up into a hug to stop her rambling, and while resting her chin on Jen’s shoulder she assures her everything will be fine, and if it isn’t them they can leave straight away and either try again later, or not, Judy makes sure Jen knows that no one is forcing her to stay, the ball’s in her court, as they say.

Jen heads inside first, Judy at her side and the boys walk closely behind. She’d spoken to them about this and both were compliant, Henry more eager than Charlie but that’s what they expected. A waitress greets them and once Jen gives her name she leads them into a family table in the corner, a figure with his back to them already waiting there. Jen doesn’t stop in her path as she walks over there, if she did she probably wouldn’t go through with it, it’s now or never, quite literally, and she clears her throat once she gets to the table feigning confidence.

“We’ll be right over with a drinks and starters menu…”

Judy quietly thanks the waitress and a smile graces her face as she ushers Henry and Charlie in the booth, she climbs in next and then Jen sits across from Fred, they still haven’t said a word to each other and Judy nudges her leg under the table.

With a light squeeze from Judy, Jen opens her mouth to say something, Fred beats her to it.

“Hello Jen, you’re looking well.”

Jen nods tight lipped, “thanks, you too.”

_It’s a normal thing to say right?_

Freda eyes roam to the boys and then Judy, politely bowing his head in greeting. “This must be Henry and Charlie, my grandsons.”

Jen nods again. “Yes, Charlie and Henry.”

Henry waves enthusiastically and Charlie raises his eyebrow, “sup.”

“It’s good to see you again, sir-“

Fred pats Judy’s hand, “Judy, Fred, please…”

“Right, course. Well, thank you for paying for lunch it’s very kind…” Judy replies, “Boys if you wanna choose you’re drinks and starters and we can get ordering…”

Jen grabs a menu, _fuck this is awkward_ , and her eyes scan the options slowly. She knows already what Judy’s gonna have, she’ll go for-

“I think I may have the spring rolls.”

_Knew it._

“Me too, can I get mine non vegetarian though?” Charlie asks, leaning back into the seat after he’s decided to go on his phone.

“Henry?” Jen asks.

“I’ll have the same, with chilli sauce!”

Jen nods, “right, I’ll get the-“

“Oo those look look.” Fred points to something Henry’s suggesting while showing him a menu and Jen peers over, those _do_ look good.

“I’ll get those.”

Jen doesn’t like spring rolls and the waitress is already heading over to take their order so she agrees to get the same, Thai chicken satay, the _limiting time_ being the only reason…

Drinks come quickly and Jen’s glad Judy’s agreed to drive home so she can have a glass of wine, only one though, she’s not prepared to look like an alcoholic in front of her dad. The wine runs down her throat, and after a few sips it loosens her up, just a little, enough to contribute to the conversation happening between Henry and Fred about music. He’s telling Fred about holy harmonies, of course, and how he’s had _many_ solos.

Halfway through their starter, which is delicious and they need to come here more often Jen tells Judy, Henry asks Fred if he has a partner or lives with anyone, Jen perks up at that because she’s kinda intrigued why Stefanie hasn’t waded her way into this family outing yet. She takes a sip of wine and side eyes Judy.

“…Stefanie and I aren’t together anymore.” He finishes with and Jen frowns, _seriously?_

“Why not?” She asks, a little forwardly and her cheeks colour in embarrassment.

Fred huffs a laugh, “well she and I wanted different things, she started talking about having another kid-adopting and I just _did_ _not_ want the same.”

Stefanie was like a decade or so younger than him so it made sense that they butted heads at some point, Fred is rational, calm, _dull_ sometimes even, while Stefanie seems outgoing and adventurous, Jen had slightly stalked her Facebook account and seen photos of all sorts; her climbing Kilimanjaro, her scuba diving, her and her son with elephants in Mexico. They’re polar opposites, like her and Judy in a way but her and Judy actually work, they love each other. There’s no way Fred loved Stefanie like he did Samantha and deep down both parties knew that.

“So you’re living alone now? That’s sad.” Henry says outrightly.

“It’s quite nice actually. No one bosses you around, nags you, no one to clean up for except yourself” Fred replies with a small smile.

Charlie pipes up then, “I agree, sounds nice…” he says eyeing Jen and Judy with a sarcastic grin.

“Yeah but guess what, you actually have to cook for yourself and clean for yourself and do _laundry_ too, ain’t that right da-“ Jen stammers halfway through the three letters, the _tiny_ word that means so much more than _dad_ , something she hasn’t said (or even thought) in so long. Judy feels her unease and takes her hand under the table, her thumb tracing soothing circles on her knuckles. She’s so glad she doesn’t have to do this without her.

Fred senses the tension too and chimes in quickly to avoid the awkwardness, “that is true…”

The waitress brings over their mains then, providing another distraction Jen’s glad of, not just because of the colouring of her cheeks but because she’s starving and didn’t have breakfast that morning, even though Judy made her signature banana and chocolate chip pancakes Jen usually drooled over. They’re _so good._ Judy must have been a chef in her past life, Jen often says.

“This shit is spicy.” Charlie says fanning his mouth.

Jen agrees, she’s ordered the same curry as him and her mouth is _fucking on fire,_ still, she doesn’t want Fred to know that he’s allowed to use language like that, especially around his elders. She glared at him across the table.

“Judy pass the Mayo please.”

Henry says afterwards, telling everyone how nice his own meal is which moves the topic swiftly on thankfully.

The boys head to the bathroom after eating, together with their phones meaning they’ll probably be sending snaps or playing games against each other until dessert comes, and Jen _really_ needs to pee but she doesn’t want to leave Judy alone with Fred.

She tries holding it in but her mouth is still burning up, so she drinks the tap water the waitress brought over and ends up clenching her tights together desperately until she can’t hold it anymore. She stands abruptly, “I have to go to the bathroom, sorry, I’ll be as quick as I can.” Jen’s eyes land on Judy instinctively, and when Judy nods with a smile she figures they’ll be fine for a few minutes. She rushes to the bathroom anyways.

Judy takes a sip of orange juice, smacking her lips together in the silence Jen’s left behind. Usually she’d be chatting away about her life or asking the other how their day was, what they’re doing on the weekend, if they had pets… It’s different with Fred, like she’d told Jen, she wanted to impress him, wanted him to still like her even more so now she was _with_ Jen. They’re so alike in the subtlest of ways, Judy studies the way there’s a near to permanent crease in between his brows, his button nose, the hair Jen definitely gets from her mom but Judy can see the resemblance between father and daughter more so as Jen’s got older. The way they’re both a little restrained is similar too, she always remembers how open Samantha was.

“So, how did you and Jen find each other again? It’s been, so long…” Fred says after a little bit, a softness to his voice Judy appreciates.

“We both met at a…” Judy scoffs a laugh, “a grief group-I know,” Judy nods at Fred’s raised eyebrows, “it’s the last place you’d expect to see Jen but, I think going there really helped her open up, _eventually…_ ” She adds with a laugh.

Fred smiles, “I’m glad you found each other again, I’m just sorry for whatever loss you went through beforehand…”

Judy’s eyes cloud a little, only a small amount of guilt creeps in her gut, it doesn’t settle like it used to, and maybe she’s forgiving herself for lying about Steve to Jen, she smiles, “thank you, I’ve had quite a few miscarriages, I just needed to find someone who felt grief ya know?”

Fred nods, “I know.”

Judy wants to say she’s sorry for Samantha but he probably doesn’t need that right now, instead she tilts her drink towards him in a sort of cheers. His glass meets hers with a clink, and he says “cheers” in the spirit, knocking back the remainder of his drink in one.

Turns out it wasn’t as bad as Jen was expecting, she’d actually had a good time and knew the kids and Judy had too. After dessert they’d chatted for a little while longer until calling it a day around 4, Charlie wanted to see Natalie so he’d been hinting at Jen since half 3. Fred walks out to the car with them and Jen allows him to hug her goodbye for a few seconds. They decide to not leave it too long before meeting up again, internally Jen thinks she’ll leave it to him to do the chasing since she’d set up this meeting. It’s up to him no whether they start to form a relationship again or not.

Judy tells her she’s proud of her. And says Samantha would be, Jen cries a little and knocks back another glass of wine before bed, not that she needs help sleeping after the day they’d had. Jen and Judy sit in bed without the tv that night, instead they talk about Fred and Samantha, even Eleanor comes up. Judy mentions maybe one day she’ll want to meet with her like Jen has, but she doesn’t predict it’ll be any time soon. Jen assures whenever she’s ready, _if_ she’s ever ready, she’ll stand with her every step of the way. A text chimes from Jen’s phone before they’re about to turn the lights out and sleep, it’s from Fred and it reads,

**Thank you for today Jen, I enjoyed meeting my grandchildren properly, they’re amazing young boys. You’ve done a superb job with them. I hope we can meet soon, perhaps over my side of town this time? There’s some great restaurants around that you’d all love.**

**Sleep well, thanks again.**

**You’ve got a good one with Judy, hold on to her. You’re mother would have been so proud.**

**Goodnight**

**-Fred**

He signs off at the end formally as ever, and still Jen can’t help the single tear that slips down her face and onto the pillow after reading that.


End file.
